confused

[kbloom2]

Hello everyone, I have a question, I have been with MS for 6yrs now. In July I got very very sick and Lost all mobility for many months. I had a parasite that attacked my red blood cells. Went to rehab and came home to where my husband had to help me transfer.

My question is do your caregivers/husbands/wives use hurtful words? To the point you feel like you got MS as a punishment and you feel the need to apologize for get sick?
I am just so very sad and tired of feeling like its my fault for getting sick.
Than you for any advice you have. thank you
Kari

[tommylee]

My question is do your caregivers/husbands/wives use hurtful words? To the point you feel like you got MS as a punishment and you feel the need to apologize for get sick?

Than you for any advice you have thank you
Kari

Yes it happens.
If you can stop and think about it , they are frustrated and pissed about MS also.
They can't see MS but they can see you...so they take it out on you?

It sucks and its not fair and it really hurts to hear and live with.

I cope with it thru grace and try not to buy into the twisted thinking myself.

Just because they are dealing with the problems poorly does not mean they don't care. (they are just frustrated and pissed!)

If it is not dangerous and you are strong enough to work on it with him; it will probably get better with time.

Sorry for your pain.
Working on 13 years Dx and things are looking up some.

[lindajot]

Kari -
Your post made me want to cry -
I have seen so many incidents where the caregiver is just not emotionally stable enough to realize what a terrible thing they are doing by being so insensitive.

I was a caregiver to a quadriplegic for over 16 yrs and I admit that I understand the frustrations, but I wouldn't dream of being verbally or physically abusive - I think some aren't cut out for compassion? Some perhaps are self-centered enough to be angry that they, themselves are having their life style impaired.

I read once that spouses should never be caregivers, but that is hardly practical in most cases. I swore that if my husband ever made me feel badly about my health issues that I would figure out some way to deal with it all on my own. Again . . . not always an easy answer.

No, you shouldn't have to put up with verbal abuse, whether you need help or not! It's hurts badly, and it is lasting.

It would be great if someone cold talk to your husband . . . someone he might listen to and who can tactfully make him understand that you are being so strong just to deal with MS to begin with, much less having to ask for any help; and that he is such an important part of your life, someone you can lean on and who can help make you smile. Sometimes, they just need a smack in the ego to wake up.

I hope things turn around for you - take care, Linda

[kbloom2]

Thank you so very much for those encouraging words. I just feel so soooo very sad that when he is feeling under the weather he feels the need to say hurtful things.

I brush it off because its not me to have it bring me down.I am a very strong person, I used to work and bring my wheelchair everyday to work Ms didn't stop me from being me until this past july it took my driving and my work.
So when he says hurtful things to me, I cry and brush off tthe pain and try not to think about it, because I know he loves me alot thank again for your thoughts

[foxz71]

Yes, sometimes; but as hard as it is for us to live with this disease....it's hard for them as well. They are living with it also, albeit in a different way.

I think one thing that helps is to have our spouses attend as many of our appointments as possible because then they see first hand what we are dealing with and get to ask questions. It is a good refresher for them of why we are the way we are...

I also think that one reason they sometimes lash out inappropriately is because they feel helpless themselves and for many that is one of the hardest feelings to deal with.

Personally, my spouse wouldn't consider counseling if his life depended on it...and that's ok, that's him...but at times he does say things that hurt and my standard reply is actually one that someone in one of these threads on here told me to say...and it works "I didn't choose to get sick but would gladly trade with you..." Its a way I can gently but firmly remind him that he is hurting me.

hugs. you aren't alone...my email is in my profile if you or anyone else on here ever needs a shoulder.
Kim

[Fallout]

I don't doubt he loves you, or that things can change, or his own frustration and emotional turmoil as I also have a husband who deals with my disease. But it is never okay, in any situation, for a spouse to call you down or treat you like a lesser human being. Seek help for both of you.
You are a good person, and you didn't do anything wrong. This disease makes very little sense regarding all aspects, from why we get it, to individual severity, to why no one persons MS is the same.
It's not your fault. You have a right to stand up for yourself. You're not alone.

[kbloom2]

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]I thank you so very much for your kind words. My husband doesn't think he needs to go to therapy either. I go to therapy which I just started.

I wish he would do something to get involved you know to at least understand. He think its easy to for me to just consider not working or driving. It literally told me just this summer to not work or drive. It was on my terms to not work and not to drive. I just wish he knew how much I wish i could just get up and to things and not feel so wiped out.
I mean when friday comes around I just lounge around from going to pt all week.

I love him so much I just wish he could stop.
Kari[FONT]