Who is this stranger in my house and where did my husband go?

[dontlika]

Hi, I need some help. My husband was just diagnosed with MS. We are both in our early 30's. Lately I feel like nothing I do or say brings him anything but frustration and annoyance. He is a very calm person by nature but has been yelling and arguing and being generally mean lately.

I don't know what to do. This is breaking my heart. He refuses to go to therapy alone or with me because "he has no need for it.

He has lesions all over his brain and spinal cord so I am wondering if the frontal lobe lesions could cause him to be a different person to me after over 9 years of being together. Or is it the normal grieving process of his diagnosis? Or both perhaps? I try to be patient and explain away my broken heart with "he cant help it" but at some time I cant feel like a worthless nothing all the time.

He misunderstands everything I say and we can not even hold a normal conversation without it turning quickly into something negative. I feel like I am out of ideas. I should mention I have sought help and am taking care of myself alone with no support from him.

I should also mention we both still work full time, so it is not as if he is bedridden or immobile adding to psychological and physiological symptoms. He is active and still fly fishes, skis, rock climbs and mountain bikes regularly. So he is very healthy and getting good endorphins and other hormones through his lifestyle on a very regular basis (at least every other day but often every day)

Anyhow, who is this person in my house and where did my husband go. I feel like all my hopes and dreams have been flushed down the toilet and am having trouble feeling like I have a purpose. I wish there was a wand involved in all this pain. Any replies would be greatly appreciated and I am open to all ideas.
Thank you
jmm

[Redwings]

If "I have sought help and am taking care of myself alone" means that you're seeing a therapist, then perhaps the next thing for you to explore in therapy is why your entire sense of worth and purpose is defined by ONE person, even if that person is your husband. Once you figure that out, you can decide how you want to respond to your husband and see what the possibilities for your life are.

In addition, you should be prepared to be entirely self-supporting. If your husband is being generally mean with you, it's possible that the same temperament will creep into his work relationships and jeopardize his job and income. You can't allow yourself to be caught off guard or brought down by that.

He's responsible for his choices and you're responsible for yours. Your therapist can help you decide what those choices should be.

[aitch10]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this... the DX and the grumpy H.

I don't really have much in the way of advice but will say that he's almost definitely grieving and that, even once he's come to grips with his DX, there's the possibility of him remaining a grump. I know I am much, much grumpier since my DX and my sweet DH is a saint for putting up with me sometimes.

I'd say give him time and keep working on him to go to therapy.

[Des]

When you say he was just dxd, how long ago was that? He may still be learning to handle having MS and learning whe his MS is like.

It sounds to me like he is showing psychological sx. I have MS, and I don't dump on my DH all the time. Having said that, there are times when I'm mad at the world. My psychiatrist added Cymbalta to my meds, which helps me keep on an even keel.

Even if he won't go for counseling, you can go by yourself and talk about how you are feeling.

[dontlika]

still grumpy

Tank you all,
He was diagnosed just after Thanksgiving (4 months ago). Went to Neuro this week and asked about our relationship being difficult lately and he said it was definitely a "getting used to the diagnosis" normalcy, especially for his young age. How long does that last? They also told him that he was in the top 20%of severe cases? What does that mean?

He has good and bad moments. I love what I do and my patients (I work in physical therapy). I volunteer coach youth soccer, and I am active. I just have a hard time with my best friend not feeling like a friend at all sometimes. I try not to take things personally, I try to be supportive, I take care of his needs and love him but still seem to make him miserable. That is what is so hurtful to me. I just want my predictable friend back.
sad wife

[heyman_niceshot]

I'm pretty sure I know what these dudes are going through.

And don't take anything they do or saypersonally. Easier said that done.

These guys have been hit pretty hard, its like taking their identity away. Sometimes dudes just need a little space to make peace/deal with it. This isn't exactly a disease that you can go out in a blaze of glory like most dudes prefer.

I know I get a little irritated when my friends say "keep the faith" or "it'll be ok."

So hang in there. They will make peace with it even though there will be times that they'll get "grumpy." Just remember it isn't anything personal

[jojo18]

i was dxd at 13. it took me a year to accept the dx.

the next year i was depressed and angry at the world/universe. i also was forced to question everything that i thought about my self (note: part of that was just high school but the MS didst help)
at my lowest point, i did think about killing myself but didn't b/c i thought that was what the universe wanted.
i wouldnt call it an epiphany, but one day i woke upp and thought
"you know MS sux, but that doesnt mean life has to with it"

i pulled myself out of the depression in another year. i am now more of an optimist than before my dx. im now 20 and a junior in college

i think ur dh is dealing with the dx. maybe talk to him/ his neuro about anti-depressants(im on some now for anxiety)

my best wishes to u and ur dh

[rubberlegs]

If someone needs changing- I try to remember- I cannot change anyone excpt myself.