Can anyone relate? Feeling alone...again...

[ShakespeareMama]

So I was contemplating bothering my bf with my feelings of the moment but later decided I would burden you guys.

Not that he's not supportive... It's just that you guys have a bit better of an understanding of this stuff so maybe I won't drive you to break up with me. Haha

Anyway...I'm having a rough night. It feels different than other times, though. I mean, of course I've been frustrated with doctors and symptoms and stuff like that...but tonight I got this overwhelming thought that scared the crap out of me:

"what if something is seriously wrong with you?"

I'm sure it sounds like a silly thought but I guess I never really think about it. I always focus on the current symptom I'm having as opposed to looking at the whole picture. And I mean REALLY looking at it...and then examining the worst case scenarios...and then thinking about it again and again...

Of course I've thought about MS...but I've never really imagined myself completely immobile. I'm doing that, tonight.
That spinal lesion they thought might be a renal cyst? That thought turned into cancer, tonight.
The Lyme disease? Heart failure....respiratory failure...

I mean, I am in the pit of unlimited doom. Might I add that I have compulsive, repetitive thoughts, as well, so I just keep recycling the same thing, over and over, torturing myself until I'm in tears or, at the least, up all night from a lack of sleep.

I know what I'm supposed to do. I know I shouldn't be thinking this way. It just doesn't want to stop.

Thanks for reading. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow... I just had to get it out.

[CasinoKathy]

SM, yes, you are not alone in your feelings. Not at all! Just the other day I had some scary thoughts of what the future may bring. But I knew that I had to snap myself out of those bad thoughts or I would go berserk!!

If I remember right, you haven't gotten any answers yet for your sx. I can relate, I went 13 years until I knew what was wrong with my body. I remember thinking many times, why can't I just be "normal" like others? Why do my feet feel funny all the time, and why can't I stand the feeling of the bedsheets on my legs? Why,why, why????

The whole thing of what do we have and what can be done to help us is nerve racking for sure! Sometimes like you, I get very scared, this balance thing has turned my life upside down.

I know that for you, not knowing for sure what your dealing with is alot worse. Yes, I think it's only natural to think of what all could be wrong, and if the docs don't figure it out soon, what might happen.

Try to think of something, anything that makes you happy, and just concentrate on that, friends, family, a hobby, ect.

Here are afew things that I saw on this site that I wrote down for myself- maybe they will help you too.

--Live in spite of adversity
--Wellness is a state of mind
--Live and savor every moment
--When today is bad...tomorrow is generally a better day

AND THE BEST-- Worrying will not take away tomorrows troubles, but it will take away todays peace.

Wishing you peace of mind ShakespeareMama

[ShakespeareMama]

Thank you, Kathy. You brought me to tears.

It IS very hard not knowing what all these issues with my body are about. As it stands right now, I had gotten the dx of Lyme and 3 weeks of antibiotics to treat it but just continued to get worse. They found a spinal lesion but haven't investigated it, yet. I'm going on year 4 of noticed sxs.

My "new" doc just recently told me that I don't have Lyme disease anymore, none of these issues are physical and I'm probably just depressed. Mind you, this is with no current tests or even a glance into my most recent medical records.
So I'm back at square one, again... Well, maybe square 2 since I have a history to show, now.

Screw him and his depression theories.

Oh! Sorry for that outburst. That's where I am, though. Psshhh.... 4 years of depression... Right.

I like the quotes you posted. And I agree, the best one is the best one. It's a nice, positive kick in the butt. I try not to concentrate too much on this stuff. THAT would lead to depression.

I don't know what's so special about tonight, though. I did have to break out my cane after a few months of it being tucked away because of horrible pains I can't even describe in my left leg. The pain seems to have subsided for the most part but the cane must have been the trigger.

OK, now I'm just debating with myself and making you read forever. Bah!

You made me feel not so alone, Kathy. Thank you again, so much. Your posts always make me smile and you're a super inspiration to me.

By the way, I'm happy to see the Packers won. I didn't get to watch the game but I was silently routing for them.

Have a wonderful night. You deserve it.

[booklady]

Worrying will not take away tomorrows troubles, but it will take away todays peace! Kathy-words to live by!

We spend so much time struggling to figure out what causes our issues that we stop living. It is such a difficult situation but keep trying to find some balance in your life. Most recently I have been thinking about that saying "It's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got." You can apply that to life not just physical things and posessions (as it is usually applied).

It is no easy task! But I do try to apply that to my life. And...you can spend soooo much time worrying about MS, and something else far more devastating can happen. I don't mean to belittle the worry that comes along with having such a disease or the not knowing that comes with awaiting a diagnosis. Just remember that today is all any of us have; there are no promises of tomorrow or health for anyone.

Hang in there!

[ShakespeareMama]

Thank you, booklady. You've also written a very inspirational quote to keep in my mind at all times.

Both of you are very right and I appreciate your kind words so much.

I am much better today (physically and mentally) and feel a lot more confident.

Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times!

[golfwidow]

Hi ShakespeareMama, just read your thread and glad you are feeling better today. Sometimes attitude is everything.......as I say that, I am having a quiet day on the sofa as my body is struggling and with that my attitude !!
Thank you for posting your situation, as the words of wisdom and comfort you received from others have certainly meant a lot to me today !!! ( and I am sure others who read these threads !) I will be better tomorrow.........and hope you continue to have better days as well !!!

[minivanmama]

You are not alone in how you are feeling and what is going on.

I am glad that you are feeling some better. Lots of ((((hugs)))) just know that i am a e-mail away and i will send you a e-mail soon.

I will also leave you a post on limbo island.

[ShakespeareMama]

Golfwidow, I'm very happy to read that this thread has helped you. Some days are just worse than others but this forum always seems to be the perfect place to go for a sanity fill and encouragement. I'm sorry your day, today, is going rough for you. Your attitude is great, though, and I'll be crossing my fingers that you'll be better tomorrow. I send you these --> in hopes they will give you a head start.

I'm sticking close to this thread today. As my day seemed to get better, I was recently told some bad news. My ex-dh's grandfather, who was very close to all of us, passed away unexpectedly. He was nearly 91 and he had lost his wife about 3 years ago. What makes this so hard is that these were 2 of the liveliest people I had ever known, for their ages. There is a silence in their places that will be hard to fill.

On a good note, I believe those two are together, again. They had long lives and did wonderful things with them.

The clouds are hanging heavy, today, but we shouldn't forget that the sun is always waiting for us behind them.

I'm sending hugs to all of you. Big, giant, skwishy, warm, fuzzy, smiley, optimistic, friendly, healthy, heart-filled hugs.

[ShakespeareMama]

Hi, minivan. You must have posted while I was writing my last reply.

Thank you for your wonderful words. I'll be sure to stop in on limbo island.

I look forward to your email and you've reminded me that I should probably update my add to the one I actually use, now.

Those hugs I passed out, earlier, apply to you, too.