need advice my wife was diagnosed with ms a year ago. i thought things were fine between us we have had problems and i may have not been the best husband but i love her we were looking at buying a new house together a month ago then two weeks after that she said she wanted a divorce it just hit her while she was at home working she said something is wrong with her she does not act this way she does not know if it is the ms or what i know it is not somebody elese. i tell her i love her and i will always be here for her no matter what happens but we have 4 year old and i dont want to loose my family i dont care how bad she gets i will take care of her. can somebody tell me what to do. she doesnt talk to me her parents or my dad who was her best friend a councler said she is not depressed
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HB
Dear HB, I have had ms for 25+ years and I often wonder why my husband stays with me. I don't know your situation but do you think your wife asked for a divorce because she doesn't want you to have to deal with her illness? It can be really scarey but it is easier to deal with if you have lots of support. Just ask her! -
I agree, I think she may be feeling some kind of guilt for you having to deal with her MS when/if it gets worse. The only reason I say that is because I've had the same line of thought myself. DH is always supportive and helping me, which makes me feel this is more of a life sentence for him rather then me. I hope you two can get to the bottom of why she's feeling this way and resolve those issues, best of luck to you both.
~EllyI choose to live and to grow, take and give and to move, learn and love and to cry, kill and die and to be paranoid and to lie, hate and fear and to do what it takes to move through.Comment
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When I was first dxd 11 years ago the first thing I did was to tell my husband to leave. He didn't. He has stuck around and dealt. I find it hard to beleive that your wife is not depressed. The first few years of a major life changing event can put yu in a tail spin. I would get a send opinion on that. I take paxil faithfully because I have mood swings. It just levels me out and makes me feel normal. Don't know if any of this help. Hang in there.Webbles
Weebles wobble but they don't fall down (much)Comment
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Breathe...
Hello and welcome, J. I know that you are in shock and that this has turned your world upside down. I would really like to know what this counselor's credentials are. MS and depression are a package deal. Please- get a new therapist and make sure that you ask if she/he has knowledge regarding autoimmune disorder as it relates to impact on areas of the brain which control mood, impulse control, etc. Did you speak with the therapist? I very seriously doubt that she will leave you-- she is angry, scared, and overwhelmed.
Try to speak softly and listen; don't try to reason with her right not; if you remain calm and let her know you will ride out the storm with her, she'll begin to feel grounded and safe. My husband took/takes that approach, and it works. He is my rock and he's learned that the best medicine for me is a calm voice saying, "I'm here and it's okay."
You need someone to talk to as well; in some ways , you both have the disease. It will be okay. Let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself too. Be Well,
Shalom
You never fail, until you stop trying__Albert EinsteinComment
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Hummm, My spouse has no access to my Dr's
I think I like that!Comment
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hugs
Hi J.
I have RRMS. I have been planning on moving to a new state with my bf after the holidays for a while now. Then I had a very scary relapse. I was scared. He had never seen one although he knew I had MS. I have been very scared about him having to take care of me and would have understood if he 'ran away'.
To my surprise, he was fabulous. He lives 200 miles away. He called me every day and came up when he got the time off work to assure himself that I was alright. He contacted my friends and family here to make sure I was telling him everything because he was worried. Who knew?
Talk to your wife. She might be scared, angry, etc... Also -someone else here suggested a counselor that is familiar with depression in people with neurological problems. Mood swings are not unusual, I believe.
Good luck. I wish you well.Comment
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I know that feeling all to well, I too was deeply in Love with a woman with MS and even though she did strange things sometimes, I accepted her for who she was. At times it got a little frustrating, but I figured no more frustrating than she got with me at times, so I would learn to get over it and learn from it, it takes time to learn as you go, it doesn't happen overnight, and well, I was totally in Love with her, I could never abandon her for her illness, and even knew in my heart I would be by her side no matter how hard it became.
I was not ever going to run from that, isn't that what Love is about ?
But even so, she decided at the spur of the moment to leave, had her son quit his job without notice so he could drive her far away and even though I promised her I would help her settle in somewhere if it came to that, so we could at least remain friends, she vanished leaving most of her treasured belongings behind even tho she had several days before I was due home from work , she left like she didn't put any thought into it or like there was an emergency or she was just stepping out for a run to the store.
I came home to a house full of memories confronting me and let me tell you, it was probably the hardest thing I was ever confronted with...all that love for her and disbelief she would do that to someone that was her best friend and lover was too much to take in.
It has been over a month now and I still cannot bear to put any of her things away.
Sometimes I wake up thinking it is a bad dream and she is only a phone call away and sometimes I think maybe I have gone mad and I am imagining the whole thing with her wondering where I am and why am I doing this to her. It is very disturbing to have someone that supposedly loved you as much as you loved her to just walk out and never look back.
And the feelings I was left with alternate between sadness and anger on how she could do that so callously. Never even heard a word from her after she left. I treated her kindly and took as good as care as I could for her and she left me coldly like she had no regard for me whatsoever.
I hated being gone from her with work, but was planning on changing that as soon as possible and until then, she had her son and my friends to watch out after her if she needed anything.
So please...hold her, talk to her,try and reason with her. Nobody should have to go through what I am over this, it is unbearable.
****post broken into paragraphs by moderator for easier reading****
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Give it time
Hi,
I am the one with the dx. And I have the most fabulous husband, children and inlaws. I could not imagine having to live my life with out them.
However, I have days like your wife and have told my husband the same things. I have times when I tell him that his life would be happier and he did not deserve to have a wife like me. And my children a mother like me.
I do have depression and because she says she does not doesn't mean thats the case.
My DH gives me confidence in our relationship, love and understanding.
I can say maybe just step back from her "negative" feelings sometimes and let them pass if possible.
Give her love, HUG her, let her cry, scream and yell. Let her smile and laugh.
I know you do these things. Just remember we do have BAD days and go into self pity mode even if we don't mean to or know we do.
She doesn't want to leave nor have you leave. She is just really lost and confused and I know you are too.
Give it all time and remember these days will come and go.
I have faith that you will find the best way in your marriage that works for you too to make these days easier to deal with.
My thoughts and UNDERSTANDING are with you and your wife.
Dx'd RRMS 7/12/2010, Back in the Prob. Pile 2/1/2011 "Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall”...Ray BradburyComment
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I want to re-emphasize rawksea's post here and her messge! I could have written this myself as I am the one w/ MS and told my husband in the early stages of my dx that he didn't deserve to be with me! I'm so glad he didn't listen or act! My only advice to you and your wife is that maybe you could find some other counselor that will be willing to meet with both of you. Either together or separately.Originally posted by rawksea76 View PostHi,
I am the one with the dx. And I have the most fabulous husband, children and inlaws. I could not imagine having to live my life with out them.
However, I have days like your wife and have told my husband the same things. I have times when I tell him that his life would be happier and he did not deserve to have a wife like me. And my children a mother like me.
I do have depression and because she says she does not doesn't mean thats the case.
My DH gives me confidence in our relationship, love and understanding.
I can say maybe just step back from her "negative" feelings sometimes and let them pass if possible.
Give her love, HUG her, let her cry, scream and yell. Let her smile and laugh.
I know you do these things. Just remember we do have BAD days and go into self pity mode even if we don't mean to or know we do.
She doesn't want to leave nor have you leave. She is just really lost and confused and I know you are too.
Give it all time and remember these days will come and go.
I have faith that you will find the best way in your marriage that works for you too to make these days easier to deal with.
My thoughts and UNDERSTANDING are with you and your wife.
Hang in there, my friend and some back to let us know how it's going!1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
Administrator Message Boards/ModeratorComment
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For those of you wondering, yes, this is the same woman from my other posts.
The time she left me before she went back to her controlling Ex and after some time apart we started talking again and I asked her to come back to me and she agreed.
The problems started again when we both listed each other as being in a relationship on Facebook and her Ex's daughter pointed it out to him and he quickly contacted her and told her he was cutting off her support because of it.
I assured her that I took care of all the bills and gave her everything she needed, but she wanted her own independance and since she was not able to work because of her symtoms this left her very unsure of her future.
This new developement escalated into a argument about how she let her Ex control her life on more than one occasion and finally I thought we had come to a plan where I would fly her back home where she could take up Legal proccedings against him.
I even went to Loan institutions to see what was involved in borrowing the money for all the expenses and thought we had come to an agreement on how we were going to handle this before I had to leave for work again.
Even though I loved her and would do anything for her,
I guess she figured this was not enough and i'm pretty sure she chose to move back with her Ex instead of fighting him.
She would not have had the money to do anything else and what she recieved from him would not pay all of the bills of her trying to live on her own, so I guess she traded Love and a future of caring for security with a man she could not stand.
Originally posted by Soggydog View PostComment
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A year isnt enough time for her to begin to think rationally about anything.In her mind she is wheelchair bound and dependant on you for everything
In her mind shes been given a death sentence and loves you too much to share the journey
I still tell my husband to leave.he doesnt deserve this.
who does?
My advise for what its worth is to give her time, love and lots of understanding even when nothing she is doing makes sense
I rarely make sense to my husband and he refuses to leave
stick to your guns and tell her you are not getting divorced.Maybe thats all she wants to hear
DBlessed be
DianeComment
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Yep I agree Tell Her
TOUGH S**T You are not Leaving and neither is she, That I can say from myself I needed to hear and still do somedays
Hug her tell her you LOVE HER and you are in this together,
Try to find a councilor that specializes in these things with illness and marriage they are out there.
She loves you I know she does She is just scared and some of her independence is lost. She feels guilt for taking on extra to her its a Burden she has caused
Let us know how things are goingDx'd RRMS 7/12/2010, Back in the Prob. Pile 2/1/2011 "Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall”...Ray BradburyComment
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J this is something a lot of partners go through. I have been dealing with this for 35 years, although I married a woman already DX with it.
What she is telling you is that she loves you so much, she does not want to burden or make you suffer and have to give up a lot of your life for her. If you truly love her then no matter what you will stick by her. Remind her of those words you both spoke " in sickness and in health " .
Marriage is a partnership, and no partnership is always 50/50sometimes it's 70/30 and sometimes it's even 99.9/0.01.
All I can tell you is love her as much as you can, show her everyday how much she means to you, no matter what tomorrow may bring. You can get through this together, others have done it, the two of you are not this first to have this come up, and you won't be the last.
Hang in there, I tell this to a lot of partners, "MS may take there body, it may take there mind, it can NOT take there heart, soul or that special love we have for each other" .
We are all pulling for the two of you.Comment
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