lost and alone

[mrs.khan]

Im DH was dx in April 2010. Slowly MS has become a huge part of our relationship almost like a 3rd person thats always there.I can't talk to him anymore about anything thats bothering me. Everytime i try i get sidetracked by some new problem he is facing and we shift the focus to him again. None of my problems seem important enough by comparision and i don't want him to be bothered about mine. He is going through so much as it is i just try to be there for him. i can't bring myself to talk about my feelings to him. I can't talk to anyone else because i don't know anyone who is or has gone through a similar situation. My friends and family offer pity and a sympathetic ear but i don't want that! I just want to be understood. I just feel so alone now. I miss my husband.
I thought i'd get used to this shift in our relationship but its getting harder and harder. I feel like it can't be healthy to have just a one sided communication in the long run...Does any one have any advice?

[Jules A]

I don't have any advice but wanted to say that we will listen and in many cases actually understand what you are facing. Hugs, Jules

[tommylee]

Does any one have any advice?

Talk to your DH about your troubles and wishes?

Just because he struggles with some problems does not mean he does not care about yours.
If he is like most guys he wants to be a "fixer".(that means it makes him feel like he has purpose and value when he can help.)

It sounds like you are the one dismissing your troubles just because you feel like his are bigger?

If that is the case, stop it! Start letting him hear you and try to help make life better.
I have MS and when my DW keeps everything bottled up it only makes me feel alone and useless.

It is very humbling for a man to slow down or stop working.(we tend to be competitive and gauge our value on how we provide for our families)
Start treating him like he is too weak to help you and you take away one more avenue for him to build some feeling of worth.

I think your heart is in the right place. (sounds like you are trying to spare him more trouble?)
But sparing him your woes also robs him of feeling close and valued by you?

Just because he got hit with a bad problem does not mean he still does not strive to be your hero.

If you don't vent at some time with him, there is a good chance you will end up venting on him at some point.

[amandarianne28]

I do this to my DH on accident. I am focused on staying helathy and the Tysabri infusions and the pain and the things we need to do for/with the kids and chores and errands and then Im worn out and crabby and at the end of the day I recap it in my head and it was all about me. Not that I wanted it that way, or noticed until I thought about it. Alot of days its this way.

My hubby takes this in stride, day by day, but over time it wears on him and our relationship. Once, in a very honest conversation he vocalized to me what you said in your post, that there is no time for him to have a problem because Im always sick (PPMS so its very true) and we have to focus on me 24/7. I cried, but it was good for him to say because I started doing those recaps, seeing where I could interject and make his needs and feelings as front and center as mine are.

If he had never said that, I wouldnt have known how he felt. It wasnt to hurt me, belittle me or degrade me, and he was sure to say that before and after. It was to say hey, Im important too, and once in awhile I need the same focus that we give you turned to me. Had he not said a word his resentment would have grown and I wouldn't have known what our problem was, only that he was unhappy.

Phrase it however you feel is best, but as your husband surely loves you as much as you love him, tell him how you feel. As the MSer in my relationship, I can vouch for most of us that we dont enjoy our loved ones on eggshells or overburdened because of our illness. You both deserve love and understanding from one another, let him give it to you now by sharing with him what you have here. For me, it was a great turning point that has been 100% positive

[thisiscrazy183]

I understand

I'm there too. I wish I had the solution for both of us. I want to be understood and I want to feel loved. I do feel alone. My depression is getting worse. It's a downward spiral it seems and it's scary. Good luck to you, I hope things get better for you. Please remember your happiness is important too. YOU are important. You're doing great for your husband but it should be a two way street.

[Leola Stotts]

I SO AGREE WITH THE OTHER POSTS. BY SPEAKING UP YOU ARE VALUING YOUR RELATIONSHIP. NONE OF US WANT TO BE SELF CENTERED AND WE NEED THE INPUT OF OTHERS. LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, THE GOOD AND THE BAD. HE CAN TAKE IT. IT WILL MAKE HIM FEEL IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE. TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH BE ENHANCED.