Really? Till Death Do Us Part...

[All4Matt]

I don't know about you, but when I married Matt, diagnosed in 2002, I took my vows seriously. Part of those vows were when I promised him I would be with him through sickness AND in health. I knew about Matt's MS before we got married.
I hear of so many people, caregivers, saying that dealing with their significant other's disability is just too hard for them. I have ever heard people say that they just can't handle/take it anymore. What about our spouses though? Do you seriously feel that they choose to have something as horrible as MS? Can I honestly say that Matt had dreams when he was younger of having to walk around with a cane at the age of 35? Don't you think that they would do whatever they could to be cured of this horrible, life taking disease? Of course they would!
I have been extremely guilty of feeling sorry for myself. I work more than full time in the operating room. I come home and on Matt's bad days, have to clean, cook, and take care of our children. I get tired. There is relief for me though. I should look at it as I GET to work, clean, cook, and take care of my children. Matt would do anything to get his life back. His family back.
My hope and prayer is that I can be more sensitive to Matt's feelings and needs. I hope the same for you and your significant other.

"By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established." Proverbs 24:3

[metwo]

You have such a good outlook. I am the one with MS in this marriage and I have so much quilt for getting sick. I feel so sick all the time and I feel like my life sucks but why should his. I love him so much that I want him to be with someone like you healthy and vibrant and able to enjoy life and participate. He doesn't see it that way.

[Larry]

BRAVO !!! All4Matt Bless You

[Krysalus]

you're special

Matt is a lucky guy. He didn't choose his dx but he chose a special person to share his life with. I don't blame people who have a hard time dealing with the difficulty of having a partner with MS. Not everyone can deal with the challenge and stress even when they know ahead of time. The reality and what they had imagined can be very different.

You said you sometimes feel guilty about feeling sorry for yourself. I can tell you that sometimes I feel guilty about putting my family and dbf throught the stress of being with someone who has MS. We aren't always easy to deal with. So don't feel guilty. It's okay to have a pity party once in awhile. <hugs> The important thing is to pick yourself up and go on.

Everyone who cares for us is special. I try to remember to thank the ones who help me every day.

so thank you. You are appreciated.

I hope Matt stays well. I wish you and your family well.
I wish you little stress and lots of love...

[Jules A]

Some people can handle it, some people can't. As nurses we know exactly how difficult, nearly impossible, it is to provide total care for someone and we are trained professionals!

As the one with MS I won't blame DH if the time comes when he needs to stash me somewhere so he can live his life. I wouldn't want him to be miserable also just because I am sick.

Your family is very luck to have you. Hang in there and remember to do some fun things for yourself also.

[jazzgirl]

I don't know about you, but when I married Matt, diagnosed in 2002, I took my vows seriously. Part of those vows were when I promised him I would be with him through sickness AND in health. I knew about Matt's MS before we got married.
I hear of so many people, caregivers, saying that dealing with their significant other's disability is just too hard for them. I have ever heard people say that they just can't handle/take it anymore. What about our spouses though? Do you seriously feel that they choose to have something as horrible as MS? Can I honestly say that Matt had dreams when he was younger of having to walk around with a cane at the age of 35? Don't you think that they would do whatever they could to be cured of this horrible, life taking disease? Of course they would!
I have been extremely guilty of feeling sorry for myself. I work more than full time in the operating room. I come home and on Matt's bad days, have to clean, cook, and take care of our children. I get tired. There is relief for me though. I should look at it as I GET to work, clean, cook, and take care of my children. Matt would do anything to get his life back. His family back.
My hope and prayer is that I can be more sensitive to Matt's feelings and needs. I hope the same for you and your significant other.

"By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established." Proverbs 24:3

How very lovely that you DO take your vows seriously! I've been married for almost 33 years and was diagnosed with MS 2 years into my marriage (I'm 53 now) My husband hasn't left yet, and I don't expect that he will, either. . I know that if the situation were reversed I'd stay right where I am because I promised that I would.

It's nice to know that there are still "stand up" people in this very complicated world.

[justacowgirl]

Some people can handle it, some people can't. As nurses we know exactly how difficult, nearly impossible, it is to provide total care for someone and we are trained professionals!

As the one with MS I won't blame DH if the time comes when he needs to stash me somewhere so he can live his life. I wouldn't want him to be miserable also just because I am sick.

.

In sickness and in health. Why in the world would you think it ok to "stash" you somewhere so your spouse can "enjoy his life?" Maybe he would enjoy caring for you?

Justacowgirl

[newidme]

bless u and yours

[All4Matt]

Thanks to you all. I hope that we can all learn, grow and cope through each other.

Another thing, how do I know I won't get breast cancer or something else down the line? I don't. I do know that Matt would be right there next to me, fighting it with me.

Praying for you all....

[Topcatt]

New to DB

Hi all

Having a rough time. My wife has MS - uses a poer wheelchair and cannot transfer herself at all. I'm her only real caregiver. I have not had an outside job in 4 years.

We just took a trip to Ireland. Our first real vacation in a couple years and the first since we met 6 years ago that didn't involve visiting family. The day we came home from the trip, she had friends tell me I needed to get out of the house and leave her. No explanation. Finally, almost a week later, our marriage counselor found out from her that it's my anger - which is a direct result of my frustration with the whole situation, having a wife with MS, seeing her get worse (6 years from walking with a cane to all but bed-ridden), dealing with the mental limitations of fatigue and so much more as well as the non-stop caregiving.

And now I'm out on my own. Possibly forever. I'm currently trying to both get on my feet (I have no money of my own since I haven't earned a salary for 4 years) and trying to see if eventually she'll be willing to reconcile and compromise on some issues to reduce my stress and help bring the power dynamics back close to equal.

I take my marriage vows seriously (and I knew she had MS when I met her) but there's only so much one human can do in giving up almost their whole life to care for another.

Yes, she can't get away from the MS and wishes she didn't have it, but that doesn't mean I should be able to just 'suck it up' and handle the stress. We were in marriage counseling and we're both in individual counselling, all with therapists who understand MS.

At this point, I don't know if I can do anything to get her back and my therapist is telling me that it may be for the best if I don't. Of course, I'm afraid that her life will be worse without me, but I could be wrong.

[newidme]

sorry, tops

this seems 2 be a situation where, in a perfect world, your wife would have a paid care-taker and you working a real job away from home. i get scared for myself when i read your post because i don't have any money, nor anybody, aside from my kids, to take care of me. iam sorry your are already there. i dont work yet cuz the unemployment rate is so high where iam at. i so anxiously want 2 start saving every dime i can make!

[matathias]

Topcat :I sympathize with you and your wife, I often think my wife should leave...

...for a better life. I have ms and have huge feelings of guilt because of the limitations I cause to my wife and my family. Luckily, my wife is in it for the long haul but I think if you give her time and let her know that you will be around forever is she wants you to, she will get that message. As far as your temper and stuff, I think your wife should try to give you a longer leash. I know in my situation, my wife as the caregiver has a TON of frustration and stress. I understand that, it kinda comes with the territory. I try to let her blow off steam and give her her opportunity to vent without judgment.

As far as your therapist goes, while I don't know the whole story, I would never listen to someone (paid professional or not) who suggests you should divorce your wife when you want to make it work. All4Matt had it right when she talks about taking your VOWS seriously. While ms can make your wife very weak physically it can make your partnership A LOT stronger than the average marriage. Hang in there, get a new therapist (preferably someone who believes in the vows made before GOD), and show her that you're in it forever.

Good luck and God Bless,

Matt

(full disclosure: my wife is All4Matt and I am the luckiest guy in the world)

[shellyat2003]

MS it changes all the lives it touches

I will pray for all of you caregivers, as I am one. My husband had his first MS attack the last day of our honeymoon. We had no idea the road we were going to travel on together. There are days that are VERY hard, then you have the good days. It amazes me that no scientist has cured a disease since TB. That is crazy. We as caregivers give up our selves for our loved ones. I, as many of you have had to quit work and only take care of my husband who is only 43 years old, and I am 38. We have been married for 9 years, together for 11. Before Mike (my husband) got sick our lives were so full. We have 5 kids between us, we were always going to Motocross races, fishing, camping or whatever as a family. Since Mike's MS has progressed we have lost everything, Our home, cars, etc. I love him with all my heart, but there are some days you question God and ask why? This disease is terrible and the medical world needs to come up with help for the caregivers. We need to learn how to take care of ourselves. The ones of us that are caregivers know what I am talking about. We are always taking care of our loved ones, and we are falling apart. I love my husband and would NEVER leave him, as you have taken the marriage vows, so have I. I just wished we had a way to learn to deal with all the stressors we go through as caregivers. Kuddos to all you caregivers.

[Jules A]

In sickness and in health. Why in the world would you think it ok to "stash" you somewhere so your spouse can "enjoy his life?" Maybe he would enjoy caring for you?

Justacowgirl

Have you ever changed the diaper and attempted to properly clean a bedridden adult? It is physically grueling, difficult to actually get them clean/dry and rather unpleasant, imo.

My husband is a decent guy but no he definitely wouldn't enjoy doing that nor would I enjoy him having to do it.

Acutally it is more about me because I would be so bitter about having no control over my life that we would both be happier if I were in a nursing home.

[Mamie2]

Love does conquer all.

If it is the real kind of love for all the deep reasons than a marriage can survive changing diapers. My fiance's parents are in their 80's and he is declining, but his wife would never want anyone but herself to change the diapers. Its her gift to him, maybe her last gift to him as he slowly leaves her.

All4Matt, Bless you. BUT remember to take care of you. Please allow yourself to have peace and self care. Massage. The best thing I did for myself when I had to work was have a housekeeper come in weekly. MS wore me out and so does being a caregiver. I also worked in a massage every other week. I had to let go of shopping for clothes or buying that new car, but it was worth it. For myself and my husband.