How do you manage anger?

[Snowdrop]

How do people here manage anger?

As I have gotten older and become more aware of inequalities and unfairness in the world, I have often been moved by a sense of injustice to campaign on behalf of others and even if we don't always get the outcome we want, at least I can feel as though I have done all I could.

With myself right now I feel powerless and at times very angry because not only myself but many others are not getting seen by the people we need to see, ok, we may not be emergency cases, but losing feeling in half of your body feels like an emergency. I also keep hearing about people whose experiences with their neurologists or GPs are dismissive or very blunt etc etc.

I am having times of feeling vulnerable and upset by my symptoms because I don't know when they are going to happen and also angry because although I have been to see a GP (who was very kind to me) and although things are moving fairly quickly in comparison to some people, I still find it all very difficult.

I am worried that I will move from one stage of a disease to another and bypass the criteria for treatment, so I move from feeling frustrated to angry that valuable time is being lost when I could get to a point of being untreatable.

How have you dealt with angry feelings?

[roo613]

Your words could be my words at certain points in my life. While I am doing ok with it right now, I would rec. an anti-depressant if you can't manage it. After my fourth child was born, I dealt with those same feelings of helplessness; like you, instead of manifesting in the way we traditionally think of depression, it manifested itself in issues with anger/rage. My doctor prescribed Cymbalta, and it helped tremendously. I was on it for 15 months, and I have been able to handle it since I came off of it.

Granted this was all before I even had an inkling of MS, but I just know the feelings you are experiencing.

[Snowdrop]

Thanks roo

I really hadn't thought of it as depression since I thought that depression was when you denied anger.

I am seeing the GP next week so I may run it past her.

[QuickType]

I used to have so much patience and was very easygoing. Now I find that I get angrier (or even just "irritated") much more easily and it is harder for me to control.

What I do:
I try and remind myself that I'm overreacting a lot of the time, that my feelings are often exaggerated.
Deep breaths and waiting for a little bit before responding helps.
If I'm on the phone with someone, I keep a smile on my face, even if it feels like a grimace by the end of the call. It sounds silly, but it does actually work.
If I'm confronted with a situation that makes me angry, I either look for a way to do something constructive about it, or I accept and move on to something I can do something about, even if it's just the pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen.

In your scenario, I might call and ask to talk to my doctor's nurse (they're sometimes a LITTLE less busy than the doctor) and explain what I was afraid of and worried about.

I also try and remember that I personally benefit most from patience with myself and my disease. I know it feels like something must be done "immediately," and I went through the same thing during my disease process, but I learned fairly early on that things just weren't going to move all that quickly and, generally speaking, they really didn't need to except for my own peace of mind.

[Snowdrop]

Never thought of calling the nurse, may even call one of the MS helplines instead.

In theory, things may not need to move along quickly, but we only know that in hindsight when we know where we are in the disease process don't we?

I think you are right though, I need to calm down because it isn't doing me any good getting upset and angry. In fact, I am trying very hard to stay calm and appear unworried in front of my family because one of my daughter (adult now) took the news very badly indeed, so now I feel as if I must be a bit careful not to take it too seriously and not get emotional in their presence.

[QuickType]

In theory, things may not need to move along quickly, but we only know that in hindsight when we know where we are in the disease process don't we?

Well, that may be true. Others here have longer experience with MS than I do, to be sure, but I did a lot of reading and research when I began having symptoms and they first mentioned MS, and I was fairly comfortable with waiting a few years to get an official diagnosis and begin treatment after that. Yes, they do say "the earlier the better," but it also seems as if it's never "too late."

I hear you about your family - we always do feel like we need to stay strong and calm, but remember that you need an emotional outlet as well. While setting a "good example" might help, especially right at the beginning, I think finding a way to talk as a family about the feelings this process causes might help as well.

Best wishes and good luck to you!

[grammyabc]

I think your feelings are right on target. When it comes to the quality of a person's life, time is vital. Please continue to be a self-advocate and voice your concerns to the doctor because you are the one who knows how your body is progressing. Yes, if that means being aggressive then be so. I honestly feel you have a right to feel angry but it is how you channel that anger that is important. Maybe you can use that anger while being a self-advocate and an advocate for others. How long have you been diagnosed? On the NMSS site there are some great suggestions on how to be a self=advocate.

[Tawanda]

There is no such thing as a "wrong" emotion. We are going to feel the way we feel.

When you don't feel good physically, it's really hard to put on a happy face. Of course, I want people to be with me and enjoy my company. If I let my sourpuss-ness get the best of me, people will leave me in droves...and I wouldn't blame them.

I suppose I have learned to be an actress of sorts, and for the anger? Well, thank goodness for this site. I can gripe all I want here with no repercussions in my real life.

Also, I agree that researching antidepressants is a good idea. Unfortunately, there is still a huge stigma about these drugs and I think they are highly under-utilized. I think any negative emotion that goes on too long is going to start manifesting itself in your physical well-being, as well as your emotional well-being. A devastating 1-2 punch that nobody needs.

If you think this is just a temporary, normal right of passage, I would work through it and push myself to do some additional exercise.

Just keep throwing spaghetti at the wall until something sticks. You don't have to live like this, whether you have M.S. or not.

[mortisha]

One of the most important realizations that helped me cope with my negative feelings (are there positive feelings?) about MS was that I was constantly going through "little griefs" as things got worse and I needed to go through the grieving process over and over again for each of them. One of the stages of grief is, of course, anger, and I needed to let myself be angry and then move on. Prozac helped immensly too by keeping me from getting to deep into depression that I couldn't do the emotional housekeeping I needed to get through.

Remember that MS is affecting your brain in subtle ways and emotions can be one of those ways. An antidepressant can be a simple tool for you start changing what's going on in your head.

I also remind myself of the first part of the Sereinity Prayer "God grant me the sereinity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Nieber. I am not religious but this is a wonderfully clear way for me to sort through the garbage that seems to flood my life and keeps things manageable.

You can do it.

[Chais Papa]

aner can be caused by stress and stress exasperates our MS. I use meditation to help relieve stress. The practice has been very helpful. There are several different types of meditation, do a google search about meditation and you may find one that fits. I do transcendental meditation which has proven health benefits. Twice a day for 15-20 minutes is all it takes.

[Snowdrop]

QuickType, I am relieved to hear that it can never be too late, so I can start now even though I feel a bit late lol
Grammyabc, thank you for the encouragement to be my own advocate, I think it would be easy to become a victim of the medical professions criteria and the obvious pressure of one against a group of GPs or hospital staff. I think the MS journey can be a lonely one.
Tawanda, I love the idea of throwing the spaghetti at the wall, but I bet I will be the one to clear it up ha ha. I am normally naturally good-natured but fatigue makes me rather grumpy I am finding, it seems to make me a bit noise-sensitive as all I seem to want is to lie down, it is that bad at times.

I am seriously considering the anti-depressant idea, it isn’t something I have ever had to take but MS is a big deal and I don’t have time to go under, my life is quite interesting right now.
Mortisha, yes, I am beginning to understand the little griefs: the first was the very first very clear indication that I may have neurological problems when I encountered shock and then the deep sadness within seconds as I ‘knew’ what it was. Second was when I had the worst set of symptoms all come at once that almost put me in hospital, that was deeply disturbing and depressing, so yes, each time there is a little more numbness that doesn’t go away or something like that, I grieve a little.

Chais Papa, I actually do meditation, I have a wonderful book that explains the three basic types and how they affect the mind and body, it is really good
Thank you all for replies.

[onlyairfare]

I had MS for 20 years before they even had DMD's so I spent a long time "just living with it." One eventually learns patience especially when there is nothing to do anyway. And back then I pretended nothing was wrong because if I had an "official diagnosis," I would just become uninsurable.

Now I stay well-informed and I go mainly to my PCP because once I quit Copaxone, the neuro wasn't doing anything special for me anyway. Then when we moved, I got a new PCP, and she also has MS - what a difference! She really understands what I am going through.

I do two other things to help cope:

1) I am a policy activist. I don't mess with politics, but I do go to the state capitals to meet with my reps and talk to them about health care programs, and I sometimes go to Washington, DC to meet with my reps or senators, or more likely, their staff person who deals with health care. Sometimes I meet with them "in the district" - that is when they are in our home state during Congress recess. I might mention my MS, but mostly I advocate for better programs for all people with chronic diseases.

2) Each year I spend one or two weeks of vacation volunteering where people really need help - usually overseas in third world countries, but I also volunteered in New Orleans after Katrina, and I am working on an Indian reservation here in the US right now. There are many people in this world who not only lack plumbing, clean water and electricity, but they have no idea where their next meal is coming from, and they don't have access to free public education to learn to read and write. They certainly don't go to the doctor, because there is no doctor available. After something like that, I feel very lucky, and I quit my bellyaching, at least for a while. :-)

[ShakespeareMama]

It probably sounds weird, but I don't like being angry..so....I busy myself with children (sometimes, my friends' baby). I take them to the park or even something as changing the baby's diaper or feeding him.

My cure for anger = Distraction. :P

I don't know if that helps or if you have any access to a baby to steal for a while but they do wonders!

[Snowdrop]

Now I stay well-informed and I go mainly to my PCP because once I quit Copaxone, the neuro wasn't doing anything special for me anyway. Then when we moved, I got a new PCP, and she also has MS - what a difference! She really understands what I am going through.

You got lucky there. I found my GPs very helpful, what I find challenging is the sudden change in my lifestyle and knowing that whilst I am waiting, there are people using our NHS for things that don't seem as urgent to me. I heard of a man coming over to England from Turkey who is going to get a sex change on the NHS, that to me doesn't seem as important as my sudden decline in health.

I do understand that it is normal to feel anger after having read so many other peoples experiences on MSWorld though and it does seem natural that I might feel like this, so that at least is a relief. It is quite easy to think one is going mad in the beginning.

I do two other things to help cope:

1) I am a policy activist. I don't mess with politics, but I do go to the state capitals to meet with my reps and talk to them about health care programs...

2) Each year I spend one or two weeks of vacation volunteering where people really need help... They certainly don't go to the doctor, because there is no doctor available.

I think this is great that you do this, I also do a lot of volunteer work and also very much appreciate the fact that we have modern medicine over here, however, I am being kind to myself too and saying how I am feeling and asking for help.

Thank god for all of you here

[Snowdrop]

if you have any access to a baby to steal for a while but they do wonders!

No babies near me but lots of written things to do and a very demanding cat lol