Anxiety and depression may just kill me.

[kittysmith]

I just spent the last 2 weeks in a partial inpt. hospitalization program trying to deal with my anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. My antidepressants were readjusted and I was given several "tools" to learn to relax including deep breathing and yoga.
I was feeling better for a day or two and now I'm back to being a shaky, crying mess. Today was my 1st day back at work. I have an extremely stressful job, but the hours work for my family. I feel like my life has been spinning out of control since my diagnosis and my son's diagnosis of Autism (both 2008). I am also wondering if some of my MS meds might be interfering with my antidepressants.
I have a therapist and a psychologist, and a wonderful family. When I'm alone, though, these feelings creep back into my mind. I need some sort of advice or maybe just some words of encouragement.

Thank you.

[a.nukem]

When were you diagnosed or suspected of having MS? Was it recently? I really feel for you. It's been 1 year and 2 months already for me and I still go through bad phases of depression/anger/suicidal thoughts. Luckily I've dealt with depression my entire life and know the signs of it so I quickly get talking to someone as a coping techinque. It doesn't work for everyone but maybe it will for you. Or busying yourself with something you enjoy or a game to take your mind off your life.

On your son's autism. I have a cousin that I love to death who is Autistic. The parent who currently has him just uses his autism as a way to get pity for herself instead of loving her son and caring for him. You have a double whammy. I can't imagine how stressful that must be. Remember though that your son loves you without a doubt. Think of him when it gets rough. My cousin loves me and he shows it in little ways. Look at the ways your son shows you and try to think of him often.

[babygirlamy]

Hi kittysmith! I noticed your in Tn! I am also! So sending a big wave neighbor I hope things get better for you. I know things get tough sometimes. I have a son with a disability. Dealing with the MS is hard enough. Just remember to keep that chin up and keep smiling through the pain!!

[salamandertom]

HUGS. I have just started to have some strange thoughts recently and i am quite sure it is from my meds, though who really knows? I deal with a very high stress life. Sigh. HUGS, I hope they are able to find a combination of meds that will work for you. I wish I had words to help, I am not very good with that kind of thing. But, I am always here to listen and lean on.

Hi Kittysmith.

Sorry you're feeling blue. I would imagine your son's diagnosis is the biggest stressor you have going on. We always worry about the ones we love more than ourselves, don't we? You're probably weighing the impact your diagnosis may have on your ability to deal with your son's.

I think that when we worry ourselves to the point that you are currently, it is a waste of the imagination. Although I don't have a kid with autism, I was treated treated for depression and anxiety a couple years ago. I was having relapses more frequently that were more severe than they had been before, and it seemed I had developed a tolerance or resistance to the interferon I was taking. Making things worse, I was really depressed because I did not seem to be effective at my new job. Before my dx, I had been the queen of multitasking, and now just listening to the phone ring while trying to organize files nearly turned me into a possessed Linda Blair from the frustration of being distracted. Then there was that pesky suicidal ideation.

Long story short, I was let go from my job (horrors!), I switched doctors to one that was able to offer me treatment on a different med not available elsewhere in my area (Tysabri; your mileage may vary) and I was put on an anti-depressant by my family doc. Tweo months later, a brief but very effective interaction with my state's bureau of vocational rehabilitation, and I went back to school. It's been three years. I have my associate's degree in drafting and design. i am working for an engineering firm that produces a really neat product, and I love it and the people I work with. Is it high pressure? Yes, but in a good way. Because, back to that point I was trying to make about worry being a waste of the imagination: We know that stress can be a good or a bad thing.

Stress can make you flip out from worry, it can give you high blood pressure, stomachaches, insomnia, etc. Left undealt with long-term it can kill you. But stress can be a good thing too. It can drive you to achieve things you would not otherwise. It can motivate you. It can make you stronger. Worry can be a good thing also, properly channeled. The key, my friend, is to figure out how to use your stress for you.

When I wrote that worry is a waste of the imagination, I meant that worry is only the start of a process. You short circuit the process when you don't develop your worry into a plan to deal with your stressors. Instead of worrying, start actively planning. A lot of the stress you are feeling is the feeling of powerlessness over your circumstances. Yes, it is true you cannot change your diagnosis or your son's; It is true the diagnoses can make bad things happen. But it is also true that you can take steps to alleviate the bad things from affecting you so negatively.

You're depressed, but you're going to have to reach out for help from others to help you deal with it. If I were you I would be calling around to local referral agencies to see what support groups are near you for parents of autistic kids. They are out there, believe me. We have two in my county alone. And if you found this web site for MS, it won't be hard to find one for parents with autistic kids either.

Identify what your strongest fear is and what steps you can take to make that fear less likely to adversely affect your routine. Worried you'll get fired or the job is too demanding? Brush up on your resume when you have time, or work on developing your skills so you can go part-time, contract, or become self-employed in a field you like. Your ideal employment opportunity probably won't happen overnight, but your stress level will go down because you are doing something about it.

Just feel alone? Who are your closest friends and family? Wish you had more? Go out and meet new people. What are your interests? You might not have time to do all this but if you're networking with other parents, you'd be amazed how small the world is, or how helpful people want to be toward someone who asks.

I'm not sure how you feel about churches, but I will tell you am not the religious type, at all. I have a very hard time believing the dogma that is held to by devout people at any church. I can't discount the voice of doubt in my head telling me the bible was written by many hands over many years. People ALWAYS will put their own spin on things. Nevertheless, there are tenets of religion (any religion) that are worthwhile to consider. And the social aspect of church can be very nice. I wound up going to the church my mother in law had been taking my kids to on the Sundays they visted because the kids wanted me to see the church and meet their teachers. I wound up going to one of the bible study classes there since my kids were already in class and I needed to do something during that time. I don't talk much but I enjoy hearing the things they talk about. I never thought much about what they did on Sunday the rest of the week, until the weeks I didn't go and realized I kind of missed the fellowship. It gave me a serenity to deal with the work week coming up, and when I ran into situations or thoughts that gave me pause, I contemplated running them by the class to see what they had to say. It was a bit of a surprise to me, but I don't consider myself brainwashed or anything. I still don't believe half of the stuff that church espouses but the people are nice.

Anyway, you're not alone. You just have to reach out like you did here. Don't give up, but do give yourself a break.

[Jules A]

I just spent the last 2 weeks in a partial inpt. hospitalization program trying to deal with my anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. My antidepressants were readjusted and I was given several "tools" to learn to relax including deep breathing and yoga.
I was feeling better for a day or two and now I'm back to being a shaky, crying mess. Today was my 1st day back at work. I have an extremely stressful job, but the hours work for my family. I feel like my life has been spinning out of control since my diagnosis and my son's diagnosis of Autism (both 2008). I am also wondering if some of my MS meds might be interfearing with my antidepressants.
I have a therapist and a psychologist, and a wonderful family. When I'm alone, though, these feelings creep back into my mind. I need some sort of advice or maybe just some words of encouragement.

Thank you.

Hi,
I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. As I'm sure you know antidepressants can take a few weeks for full effect and in the meantime I was wondering if you are still using the yoga, deep breathing, guided imagery etc.? Those skills really should help but you do need to get in the habit of using them.

It sounds like your job is causing stress, as most do, but it makes sense to me that today since was your first day back that you are probably tired and overwhelmed. I'd try to give yourself some time to get back in the swing of your job. If you really just don't want to continue working in that position that is a whole other thread.

If you find that you aren't able to calm yourself and/or are having thoughts of self harm please call for help. Hang in there.

[spring]

Please ask about those interferons...

Please ask your doc; Avonex and Betaseron can aggravate or cause depression ( it was horrible for me).

Hope this isn't the case for you; just wanted to let you know that this may be adding to your problems.

Please take care and get well

Email me

hey Kittysmith,

I see you're in Nashville. You ought to email me. I have some info about employment you might be interested in but I don't want to post it publicly. if you're job is stressing you out, email me.

[kittysmith]

Is it the Tegretol?

The last med I started taking was Tegretol. It's helped a lot with my spacticity, but at what cost? I've been on it since March. I was reading yesterday that Tegretol can cause depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Hmmmm. So I stopped the Tegretol for now and am waiting to hear back from my MS doc who usually blows me off.
I'm sure it's a combination of all my drugs (antidepressants and ms). I've had panic attacks since I was a child. I've had a lot of depression in my life as well. What's new is the strong feelings that I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like a burden to my family.
I am continuing to practice meditation, deep breathing, and yoga.
All I can say when anyone asks how I am is "I'm trying".

[SNOOPY]

Yes, it is possible for Tegretol to cause the problems you are having, especially if you were not having difficulties before starting Tegretol.

Tegretol is used for pain, depression and seizures. A side effect of Tegretol is anxiety. If you already have a problem with anxiety it is possible for Tegretol to increase it. I have used numerous medications that have caused depression, suicidal thoughts and an increase in anxiety.

Note: if you are using a Disease Modifying Drug for your MS, depression and suicidal thoughts are known side effects in many of them.

All of us need to be careful when taking prescription medications, it is possible to have medications cause more problems than they may help with.

[kittysmith]

Good Point, Snoopy.

I am on Avonex. I know it must be slowing the progression of my disease b/c I haven't had a new lesion in 3 years.

I also take tramadol, neurontin, prozac, klonopin, trazadone, and buspar among other things.
Every time I see my MS doc, he offers me another drug, never asking how I am feeling emotionally. I feel like if I complain about something, he just writes out another prescription. My psychiatrist doesn't know anything about the MS drugs and the MS doc doesn't seem to care how all these pills may be hurting me.

I'm so frustrated. Every other day I'm crying and sad. I hate that. That's not me.

Also, compounding my frustration is I have so many dr. appointments that I can't get to. We only have one car. b/c of the panic attacks, I don't feel comfortable taking a bus or taxi.

I have no control over my life at all. It scares me.

[pummers]

Same here! I wonder is it the meds or is it the fact that our brain cannot accept seratonin because of damage to the receptors??

[kittysmith]

Grrrrrr.

Just got a message from my MS doc with suggestions for different meds. He seems to think I've been on Tegretol for a long time. It's only been since the end of March. He suggested I try gabapentin, which I've been on for 3 years now. He also suggested lyrica, topomax, or dilantin. I told the nurse I don't want to just be put on meds here and there. I am already on tramadol and gabapentin, not to mention Avonex. Why do I need to be on so many drugs?

[Jules A]

I'd just like to add for everyone, please, please call your physician before stopping any medication. There are so many that can cause real problems if discontinued abruptly.

[babygirlamy]

I am on Avonex. I know it must be slowing the progression of my disease b/c I haven't had a new lesion in 3 years.

I also take tramadol, neurontin, prozac, klonopin, trazadone, and buspar among other things.
Every time I see my MS doc, he offers me another drug, never asking how I am feeling emotionally. I feel like if I complain about something, he just writes out another prescription. My psychiatrist doesn't know anything about the MS drugs and the MS doc doesn't seem to care how all these pills may be hurting me.

I'm so frustrated. Every other day I'm crying and sad. I hate that. That's not me.

Also, compounding my frustration is I have so many dr. appointments that I can't get to. We only have one car. b/c of the panic attacks, I don't feel comfortable taking a bus or taxi.

I have no control over my life at all. It scares me.

Do you go to Vandy???