How can I help my friend who needs a handrail?

[claudine]

My friend K has a new stairway in front of her house but no handrail. Her husband wants her to pay for the expenses which she cannot afford. She has secondary-progressive MS and has been on disability for years. She walks with a cane, has terrible balance and right now, because there is no handrail, she is climbing the stairs up on all four and climbing them down on her butt. Her husband is abusive, not approachable and she is trying to bear with it with a smile. We are in NY state. Are they laws against this? Can he be forced to install a handrail? Can an organisation like the MS society intervene? I don't want to get her into trouble if he thinks she triggered some "trouble" for him, but this situation is so unfair and I want to find a way to have it resolved.

[Redwings]

You already know that the problem isn't the handrail -- it's the abusive husband. If that situation could be remedied, the handrail would be a piece of cake. Are you saying that -- as a form of abuse -- the husband is forbidding his wife to have a handrail so she has to crawl? Or does he just not want to spend the time and money to put one in? The way you've described things, "unfairness" isn't the issue.

As far as a law requiring a handrail, you can check the laws of New York and county and town where your friend lives. It could be that the building code there requires a handrail for residential stairways as a safety issue. Otherwise, federal laws don't require handicap accessibility in private residences. If the husband is as vindictive as you're implying, he's going to blame his wife for making him put in a handrail, no matter what the reason.

The NMSS does have a grant program that might pay for the purchase and installation of a handrail. That way there wouldn't be any cost or "trouble" for your friend or her husband. However, your friend's husband would still have to allow it to be installed. The NMSS might be able to intervene there, as well.

But even with a handrail, it sounds like your friend's life isn't going to get that much better. There might not be a laws requiring a handrail, but there are laws against spousal abuse. After the handrail issue is resolved, the next step might be convincing your friend to do something more important that might save her life.

[nappy]

Amen!

I am with Redwings. The handrail sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

You need to have a heart to heart with your friend. And it sounds to me like your friend really needs to have a strong friend to be beside her and behind her.

I know it is so much easier to mouth off being in my shoes not yours right now but what if you were in your friend's shoes?

Best of luck, I will be thinking and praying for both of you.

[Tomjadg]

I think it is fine to give your friend support, but it is dangerous for both of you to become involved in her personal life.

She needs to take steps to stop the abuse.

Good luck

[Jules A]

I agree that it isn't about an inexpensive handrail and that she needs help getting away from an abusive husband.

Makes my heart sick to read about handicapped people who live in less than respectful situations because they can't afford to go it alone.

This is one of the reasons I advocate working as much as you can and saving money while you are still able. If push came to shove I have enough saved to rent a tiny dump for years which I would gladly do rather than live in an abusive relationship.

[claudine]

Yes you all are right, it is about the abuse. I have discussed that with my friend many times, offered to go with her to the police or wherever she needs to go, but she doesn't want to do that, so I offer her the friendship and support I can. The handrail is not a money issue, it's about control. I have contacted the MS society (NYC chapter) and will see what they suggest. Thanks all for your input. I'm never disappointed by the MS World Forum!