I sooo miss the person I used to be

[deb46]

Although I have had symptoms since 1985 I was not diagnosed until 2003. I so miss the person I used to be. I was an apartment manager and used to run up and down stairs to apartments. Clean when tenants moved out. Help my elderly tenants with things like taking them to the Dr., move their furniture etc. Keep the grandkids, take them to the park etc. Now I feel like a nobody!!!

As I sit here typing, I hurt all over, am always stiff, sooo tired, head feels crazy and when I get ready to get out of this chair I will have to slowly move around, stand and wait for my legs to get in the right position to move before I take a step.

I have progressed in the last year and am so depressed. I guess today when my daughter was telling me she was looking at 2 options for the kids daycare this summer it just really hit me. I feel so bad cause I can't keep them but my body just won't let me. But then last year I did keep them and struggled cause I really wasn't able and it seemed nobody understood that I wasn't. Although they seem to understand now I still fell so bad about it.

I guess I am just having a little pity party today and that seems to be happening more often lately too. I do know I could be a lot worse off than I am but I am still missing my life as it use to be. I am only 53 and feel like 100. Sorry so long but thanks for listening.

[mjan]

OH my dear major HUGS and warm wishes for the YOU you know so well will return..and soon!

Sounds like your brain/body is in that inflammation stage where EVERYTHING is not right, hurts and hard to move.
Trust me, I thought I was old at 35..that my warrenty must've ran out..not knowing I was sick then.

Go through the stages of grieving: shock, denial, depression, regrets, bargaining and then aceptance. You may stay in one stage longer than the others.

What I do is compare myself to persons and situations that could be MUCH worse..floods, losing my home, a loved one..cancer..you know the drill. BUT you also have to grieve the could've beens, should've beens too.

This just doesnt mean you'll stay at this crappy stage of feeling like you do now. Keep MOVING, eat well..rest rest rest. If it were me, I would see my specialized nutritionist who would safely detox me, the inflammation and build UP my sytems..to return to a better "normal".. ok?

Do you take vitamins, supplements, eat well balanced (no sugar, low carbs) and rest??

Again.. more hugs.. gentle ones though

IF you need to talk privately, email me, its on my profile.

Warmly, Jan

[deescee]

Missing my old self, too

So get how you are feeling. Although I never was able to function at high levels, I sure was able to function 100% better than I do now. Each year takes its toll. I am a few years older than you, and I feel bad that I can't take care of my grandchildren for very long periods of time. Just too exhausting. Also it is very frustrating to try to get people to understand how you are feeling. They see you walk a short distance and assume everything is just fine, and that you are like your old self of many years ago. I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Edge Of Ruin]

I can relate to everything you said!!!!!

I was diagnosed with RRMS when I was 53 and now I'm 58
and although I'm supposed to be in remission, since many major symptoms are gone, I too miss the person I used to be.

I used to enjoy surfing but with balance problems I could never stay on a board now. I sit on the beach and watch the surfers doing their terrific stunts as a spectator. I go down the hard wet sand with my Rollator feeling like an ancient cripple. I feel embarassed.

The great "Surfer Ed" is now like a cripple. I use a quad-cane too. My body gets stiffer every year. I don't go out as much and even when I do I need someone with me in case I fall. I can't drive a car. I'm chronically exhausted.

I have to depend on others. I guess that's the hardest thing to bear; losing my independence. I used to be the life of the party but Surfer Ed is not so amusing anymore.
I can only comfort myself by knowing by reading so many tragic threads about people who are so much worse off than I am. By comparison I am lucky. There by the grace of God go I.

[NeuroNixed Craig]

deb, everything you are experiencing has been experienced by most of us, so you are NOT alone. It is still part of the feeling of loss related to the grieving process and adjustment. Some of us never get past the loss. We are all unique on this journey of adaptation.

I no longer miss my old self rather push the envelope to see who I can become in spite of my chronic and progressive health changes. My disease allows for no remitting or periods of plateau, rather always worsening with time running out quickly.

Looking in the past or trying to bring it back, I no longer attempt. The constant adjustments to the ever changing symptoms and severity keep me focused on the present. In pushing the envelope in the last two years, I've para-sailed, made several attempts to zip-line through the jungle tops of Kauai in Hawaii, but had to settle for slipping away from my wife on an excursion and making it to the top of a 10,000 ft. volcano using forearm crutches. I paid a high price for that escapade but would not change a thing and do it again.

All of this, my attitude, total disability, and what I've learned from pushing the envelope is the reason my new book is titled, "Evaluate, Adapt, and Overcome: Accept No Limits in Life."

[Thinkimjob]

I can hardly remember the person I used to be physically. Mentally, though, I'm still 'me'.
My 90 year-old Grandma gets it. She said she never imagined getting old and she can't believe how quickly her life has gone by.
There's just a constant sense of loss.
Poor old duck - Grandpa died last year. They were married for 65 years, survived WW II, migrated to Australia from The Netherlands, had a beautiful life together.
If only you could make time stand still.

[JudySz]

Oh Deb, I am so glad I found your post. I have been feeling the same way lately. I used to be such a vibrant person and now my life is taking dogs out, planting flowers, playing on computer and cleaning my house. I am becoming a neat freak just cause I have nothing better to do. Years ago, I worked for hubby in his insurance office, then I wetn to Old Navy cause I LOVE retail. I enjoyed going to work every day and interacting with all the young kids there. I still have a 21 yr. old best friend, and I am 60. We just clicked....

I always told my dd's that I would watch their kids and now I cannot and it hurts me not to be able to help her, plus it also hurts that I know she is paying $800 a month to keep him in day care. She is an administrator at a day care, but they do not take babies, so when he is 18 mosl, he cqn go for free. Thank god

Other dd lives in DC, and I could not even help her move the last time.....

We lost our big house and have downsized and I am pretty happy here, but I have to tell myself daily. That is wierrd to tell myself that things are not that bad. I cannot think about others who have it worse when I get in these moods, I just ask myself, Is that all there is?

Dh bosses were in talking to him about early retirement cause he is not selling enough. That would kill us financially.....the ony thing is that I have family and dh and I have gotten through loosing house, my MS, and now this. We will make it but I just thought it would be so different when I got older.

Hang in there and remember you are not alone.

JudySz

[CasinoKathy]

deb, I so can relate to how your feeling! I too miss the old me. The last 5 or 6 days have been pretty rough- can hardly lift my weak foot to clear the floor. I walk like a drunk and feel like I'm 90!

Sorry I'm so late in responding- just now saw your post. Hope your feeling better!!!!!!!!!

This d---ms sure is a royal pain isn't it? It takes and takes and all we can do is hope that someday in our lifetime they will be able to STOP it!

[Windwalker]

I go down the hard wet sand with my Rollator feeling like an ancient cripple. I feel embarassed.

The great "Surfer Ed" is now like a cripple. I use a quad-cane too. My body gets stiffer every year. I don't go out as much and even when I do I need someone with me in case I fall. I can't drive a car. I'm chronically exhausted.

God...give yourself a break.! Your 58 and have MS. Who made the rule that at 58 or more we have to be physically active...run, bike, participate in athletic events as we did 30 years earlier. It's BS societal pressure.

There by the grace of God go I.

One of my favorite sayings.

[bulldogman]

I too miss my old self. The who could hike 10 miles in a day chasing after elk out west each fall or the one who could work all day in the Florida heat. Now I can't walk down my driveway to get my newspaper or spend a half hour outside. But that is life now I just do the best I can. MS sucks.

[salamandertom]

HUGS Deb. I miss her too, every single day. She is still in there, but gone forever. It is weird.