Mother of the groom

[palmtree]

My son is thirty-five and is finally making the plunge. He has a good solid career and has been going with a wonderful girl for quite a few years. She graduated from a professional program so she will have a career. He is getting the ring, they are deciding on the China and all the excitement is beginning.

I feel the excitement but this is a time my MS is causing me the most pain. I’m not talking about the pain that we take Lyrica and gabapentin for. I mean the pain in my heart. I would love to be having a formal meeting with her parents, planning the rehearsal dinner and walk down the aisle with my son.

They have not set a date or a venue yet but it is likely going to be in Southern California. I don’t live there any more so it would be a very tiring journey. I can never do things without a day to rest in between no matter how much I force myself. If there is a rehearsal dinner the night before, I’m sunk. Traditionally, it was the brides family that planned the wedding but it seems couples have been more often planning it themselves.

In Southern California everything is very spread out. I would have to stay in a hotel because no one has space for an extra person and rent a car. I haven’t driven for five years and am terrified of driving in LA. That means someone would have to take me. I have thought of bringing the guy who cares for me now. My son would take care of me but his wedding day is likely to be hectic.

I’m trying to figure out what role I can play given that I have advanced MS. That means just near end-stage. Putting on a beautiful rehearsal dinner would give me so much joy but that will not be possible. Walking down the aisle...maybe. Going to the reception, being in the pictures I don’t know. This is a time when I wish I had money to offer but I don’t.

I have a good relationship with my son and his girlfriend and I get along really well. So I know that is what is important in the end. It’s just for this special day I want to be the mother my son has always wanted me to be.

Does anyone have any creative ideas about ways to help make it wonderful for them? Does anyone have any suggestions about ways to be a disabled mother of the groom? I wish I could come back to life for just one day but I get about three hours of waking time and then start to fade and need to lie down and sleep for six hours.

[Mamabug]

Do you have other family members who can pitch in -- father of the groom, siblings, extended family, etc?

When I was mother of the bride ten years ago, there were many things I couldn't do either. My family knows my limitations. My daughter, my family, my extended family, my husband's family, and even my son in law's family were all great.

[palmtree]

There are so few of us. Father of the groom might help but I suspect my 93 year old mother will get his help. She has given him so much money and vacations that he feels indebted.

Sister will likely be making the cake. She makes cakes for events.

The bride is an only child, which makes things more complicated. The father of the groom, my husband, has five brothers who I am very close with. One of them might be able to pitch in and help. Maybe one of my cousins.

Right now there is so much that hasn’t been planned. I just want to get a chance to meet her parents. The only possibility would be to plan a Zoom meeting with bride and groom and her parents and the grooms father. It just feels sad because normally we would be sharing a meal together and spending time. I guess this really is a time to mourn.

I forgot to mention that this is a cross cultural wedding. My son is half Indonesian as I’ve mentioned before and the bride is half Japanese. Both of them identify with their ethnic heritage.

The hardest part is to stay focused on making this a nice day for them and forget about silly protocol. It would be easiest to stay home but my son really wants me there. He has the fantasy that many children have with their parents that he has the power to bring me back to life.

Thanks for your suggestions. No one responded to this so they are probably as stumped as I am.

[Mamabug]

If your son wants you there, he likely wants you to be there because he loves you, not for what you are able to "do". Someone here once said, "I'm a human be-ing, not a human do-ing". It's their wedding; they are adults. Protocol is not so important anymore.

Go, if you can. Participate, as you are able. Store away the memories. Choose to make it a day of celebration and not a performance.

[robert152]

What city in

California? Any wonderful MS people there that would like to pitch in? WOW, wouldn’t that be something?

[Marco]

One of my favorite movie quotes is, "A man's got to know his limitations." Clint Eastwood.

In this scenario you first need to be honest with yourself and know what is and isn't possible. Can you safely make it to the ceremony? If you had a driver could you do "X?" I would say throw all other traditional roles and obligations out the window.

Next you need to be honest with your son about what your limitations are. Maybe they can setup a livestream so you can watch the wedding from your home.

I'm sorry that things aren't what you might have hoped they would be.The exciting news is your son is getting married and that's cause for a celebration. Congratulations that your family is growing and you're gaining a new daughter.

You can zoom call this week with her parents and start to get to know them. There's no need to wait until the week of the wedding.

I wish you and yours blessings!

[lindaincolorado]

I have learned to ask for help. I do not ***-u-me people know what I need (anymore ). I am 71 years old, was dx in 1988. My, then, 32 year old son got married; he's now almost 45. I did the best I could..

Be happy and enjoy as many moments as you can.
Linda

[pennstater]

I am sure you son wants you to be part of the ceremony because you are his Mom. Have you talked to him about your concerns?

If it is feasible to go, do the bear minimum that you have to and delegate everything else out to conserve your energy for your son and his wedding. You son and his fiancee might be able to help with solutions - but they need to know the issues.

I hope you are able to go, but if not, if they can live stream or zoom for you to be part of their special day, you can still participate.

[palmtree]

If your son wants you there, he likely wants you to be there because he loves you, not for what you are able to "do". Someone here once said, "I'm a human be-ing, not a human do-ing". It's their wedding; they are adults. Protocol is not so important anymore.

Go, if you can. Participate, as you are able. Store away the memories. Choose to make it a day of celebration and not a performance.

That is so right on. I have always been valued on what I can do until I couldn’t DO anymore. My mom planned my wedding and made it a ridiculous performance. Everything had to be perfect. But I wasn’t present.

She is already starting to plan my son’s. The world according to Garp.

So much of this narcissism has been healed but I regress when pui the line of Fire.

I know my son loves me and the dinners he, his girlfriend and I have had were much more meaningful than a ceremony.

Robert, the city is Los Angeles. It is a sprawling metropolis with traffic 24/7. Once I find out the venue I might contact NMSS to see if they can connect. It’s a good idea.

Marco, the thought of not traveling sounds wonderful but I know my son can’t help but feeling loss. I sewed him a mask and he sent me a picture. There were tears in his eyes. But you are right it may get down to acceptance. That would be a nightmare if I ended up in the hospital down there.

Thanks everyone for all of your thoughts. It helps just to talk to other MS people.

Zoom or some sort of live stream sounds like the answer. I am a human BEing not a human DO-ing. Well said Mamabug.

[Cat Mom]

I was the Mother of the Groom on March 21. Their wedding included 150 guests and it was planned so perfectly. Then COVID-19 crept in and 1 week before their venue told them they could have a bigger room so people didn't have to sit closely. 2 days after that the City of Toronto banned gatherings of more than 50 people, 2 days later it was 20 people then 2 days later it had to be cancelled. They ended up getting married in a park (in the dog leash free zone), with 10 of us there. His wife's Mom's family all had COVID because she worked for WestJet so they weren't there. Their photographer live-streamed it. It was very touching and very beautiful. The day after their wedding all parks were closed.

I'm just telling this story to say that all the planning in the world can be taken away very quickly. All that mattered to my son is that I was there. Nobody would dare to criticize you not doing as much as you wish. We can beat ourselves up thinking of all the stuff we can't do meanwhile all that matters is that you are there, either in person or a zoom call/live-stream. Please give yourself a break and try to enjoy every minute of this amazing celebration, both leading up to it and at the event. Take it all in, guilt free, and don't forget to get your rest and be kind and gentle to yourself.

Jen

[Myoak]

...Does anyone have any creative ideas about ways to help make it wonderful for them? Does anyone have any suggestions about ways to be a disabled mother of the groom? I wish I could come back to life for just one day but I get about three hours of waking time and then start to fade and need to lie down and sleep for six hours.

Hello Palmtree,

I suggest composing two thoughtful letters... first, of course, to your son and future daughter-in-law, expressing your love, support, and desire for their enduring happiness.

The second letter... to your neuro presenting how very important this occasion is to you and that your supreme desire is to participate as much as possible starting with being awake and alert for more than 3 hour stretches. Ask him/her if there is anything he could prescribe for the short-term to help you during the few days involved for this occasion. I believe you will get a very helpful response from your doctor. It is a quality of life issue so he has all the basis he needs for prescribing.

Also, be brutally realistic with yourself concerning your capabilities. What you desire to do must be lassoed into what is realistically doable for you. Something simple done well is much better than anything messy.

Good Luck! You are a delightful, wonderful person and a very special mother. Just be you.

Palmtree is so fitting for you... everyone loves being in the shade of a palmtree! You do not need to do anything but be there to be truly appreciated but your attitude of love gracefully given to those you encounter will be cherished by everyone, and especially by your son. And if you can't go, gracefully contribute your love in every way you can to make your son happy and proud! You are his mother and he wants you to be, you know that. No one can replace you; even if they act as though they are trying. You and your son are bonded forever, no matter what happens in either of your lives.

Best wishes!