Rant,pity party and questions for the brillant accepting of you folks????!!!!

[jkforrest]

Don't know where to start so you folks can figure it out. Just consider it like an Easter egg hunt for adults or are we (this is speaking about myself for sure)? First note I will be serving only 10 adults per time (which is limited by your ability to tolerate my food choices and banter). Since my current abode is only about 2200 sq ft. some of you may have to sit in different rooms with a megaphone or hearing aide and yell. You will be allowed dogs pets however cats will have to stay outside guarding the birds from overeating in the feeders we just put out. We called Jimmy Buffet and the entire area dropped from the sky.

Warning I will be w(h)ing at this event and will be putting out the human Jimmy Buffet of a selection of cheeses and crackers as I don't like to cook and current do not have enough sanatizer to provide a complete meal nor can I stand long enough to provide the effort. Unless of course I can sit in the chair next to stove and continue to cook warm pudding. But then how can I absorb the brillant ideas I'm hoping to come my way. As it is all about me you know. and if not now you do just saying.

I have NOT been approach to STAR on the hoarder show YET, however it could happen after this disgusting interupption of Covid. Such an inconvience. Just how many times do I need to sanitize the door knobs. Rhetoric pun 2x per day I already know this thank you.

Yesterday while unloading the small fridge/freezer upstairs next to media and bonus room and waiting for the minscule freezer to defrost, I decided to wash and air fluff the beds---- for the only dog we have left dear Bailey ( she has one under desk near Dad, one in the media room so as not to be left while we watch movies, one in livingroom while Dad cooks in kitchen as she is not allowed in there she trips him (I do still enjoy eating as long as I don't have to fix/unless pudding from my chair/remember to to numerous surgeries I can't stand longer than about 5 minutes and yes this is a huge huge huge issues) Stamp foot here!!! and one last (actually 2) one in master bedroom and one in small bedroom in case hubby is banished due to snoring cause I have chronic insomia (insert whine here).

I was cleaning what seemed like 5,000 doorknobs and lightswitch covers (I did embelish here). But did feel that way for sure. I came back upstairs to ck on the defrosting. Note: small tray just under freezer part that can be pulled out to dump water only if you are an acrobat and can pull out without dumping the water into the just alcohol cleaned fridge. I attempted ( this is where it goes south way south) to sit dwn on very very short stool to ck the ice breakeage and not ready yet----- when I missed the stool and fell totally backward directly into corner of door with head and shoulder and hit back (of 5 surgeries and numerous burning of the nerves /ablation).

Wave of on great I've done it again!!!! This WILL ruin my record of attempting to pursue getting the house cleaning before I die. Yes it did sound like a heard of water buffalo as dh yelled per our normal "are you ok" and per my normal I always immediately yell I'm ok whether I am or not just to let him know not to call the EMTs as they cost too much for us. I really really did hurt. No trip to ER and conserving on face masks.

Here is the (am unable to accept part). Hubby says you KNOW you will be unable to do anything tomorrow as you have really hurt yourself (duh she thinks in her head seriously duh). We have this discussion often. He is always right but problem is I'm still fighting reality. On a good day I am limited way more than I would like to admit. But when I do something like this is just irked me beyond what I can articulate!!!!!!!!!!! True I could barely get out of bed and walk to bathroom (note not outhouse I'm happy and gratful to say).

I believe if I had no legs, was in a wheelchair ALL the time instead of just occasionally, was paralized or brain dead I would have a legit reason for no doing all I want or once did before I was vintage and had 20 surgeries and MS. However, I have fatiue and HUGE heat issue is most of MS issues. Thus I am NOT able at this time to realize and or accept my limitations. Yes I realize the facts are true and I am in fact only irked about this and don't like at all and it is just me not others that say anything about my lack of abilites as I won't allow anyone inside to view possible new hoarders star (currently won't accept as there still is a path to each room and ablity to find clothes in closet).

Here is your brain teaser---------How do I learn to realize I'm a human being instead of human doing and be OK with accepting my limitations???? Feel free to submit as many suggestions as you desire. All will be appreciated. Please someone pleas answer please or I will have to cancel party.

[Seasha]

OK- I'll join the party, but only if you read this article (and especially the part about "Bringing it all into perspective" and beyond.)

There are some good tips to think about and engage in - some of which I know you are already doing!

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/healt...living-with-ms

Let me know what resonates with you. What are you willing to try?
In the meantime I'm glad you didn't seriously hurt yourself!

PS. I've lived with MS for 31 years now. Acceptance took a long time, but I'm stronger and calmer because of it.

[jkforrest]

Only two of us here so far just what are they missing bahahahaha

Thanks Seasha truly great article for sure. I APPRECIATE YOU TAKING THE TIME.
Not sure how to respond without another huge saga and don't want to go there so I will just number things to address particular to me. Perhaps it may make sense I hope.

1. I have accepted I have MS as when I found out for sure I was actually relieved I knew what I had.
2. Clearly I try to use laughter as a coping mechanism with ALL life (massive abuse issues as a child thus used therapy to help and took way longer than the 6 months I thought it would take to work through it lol!!!
3. Used support group during that time helpful. However not looking to just whine about same thing over and over as I want to get on with things. Figure out new ways of deal with that thus attempting new ways of dealing with MS. Example : yrs and yrs ago purchased Steele Vest for cooling as I cannot be outside over 70 degrees (gardening kinda hard in summer and I enjoy so learned to limit self( do I like it no but just have to get over myself).

4.My appearance is what it is. Does anyone like getting vintage. I think not but what is the alternative bahahaha Here IS an issue----must depend on dh who is great about fixing most meals unless a soup and sandwich cause I can't stand more than 5 mins. and only excerise is in water cause of standing and heat issues. Yeah ymca closed now darn you covid.
5.My way of dealing with life has ALWAYS been like the song" Roll with it Baby" meaning whatever comes my way I will deal with it with humor.Nothing defines me.

6.Think you may have hit upon something I am failing to do. Set aside time to reflect and journal. I journaled for years to get through abuse issues however since there is nothing I can do about having MS heat and EXTREME back issues. Ice vest helps, tens unit & RX helps but doesn't get it down to below level 5 very often. Not sure what to say or reflect other than I will get thru this however it's a sucky day. And by reaching out on my post this is just an example to what many of my days are like. I am an accident waiting to find a place and when I do I try to laugh about it. Way more fun than crying (here I'm guessing a problem as I refuse to cry about almost anything & believe me I've had opportunities/ sure a coping skill learned as a child).

7.Unless you have MS, live with someone or know someone you have no clue what it is to deal with all the random symptoms. The invisible disease unless your in a wheel chair. I don't care if anyone knows what I'm going thru just irked that I can't do/accomplish what I want. This is where the rubber meets the road. I'm having real difficulty working around what I want to accomplish. I get the "new normal" and why often it's difficult or nearly impossible however, the feeling inadequate is quite difficult to accept guessing from past experiences.
8.Emotional feelings never drive me with anything as I have learned that is of no value. I refuse and have for a long time not to be in toxic relationships. I end them immediately if unable to restore normal and safe behavior with the other person. If after trying to reason and explain my point of view and understand theirs and no change can be facilited I just have to let go of that one.

9.Yes financially an issue cause can't work. On disability. But blessed for that as many currently are way way worse off than us.
10. In article #6 stress and sick with worry does not apply as what good does that do you (me)?
have never worried about something as just deal with the situation when it actual materizes cause it may not even happen. Thus a waste.

11. Regarding compassion with self I do just live one day as it comes cause we are never promised ahead. Having typed that-this I find is the most challenging thing of entire article and probably you hit the nail on the head------I don't know how to do this.My husband says if I could read myself to wellness I would be well from everything. For me knowledge is power. I believe in staying informed and learning new things. Attempt what may work and let go of the other things. Please explain how or where to go to find that as I am my worse critic. I know this about myself and always have even through therapy. However, I seems to be clueless on how to do it. Please SPELL it out like to a small child lol.

12.Relaxing rituals are another thing lost on me. My relaxing is to actually get things done and feel satisfied in a job well done. Clearly that can't happen as prior days. I get that however other than warm bath with candles ( yeah I get overheat and husband may have to drag me to bed naked with a fan on me bahahahaha) I can't think of anything to try. I do enjoy reading, sewing etc. but that does not *relax* me. Obviously patience is not in my vocabularly lol.
13. Pampering myself (other than mani/pedi in days of ole) or self soothe is lost on me.

Thank you for suggesting the article. I can say I appreciate your time at the party and you are a great intellegent guest. With stimulating conversation, profound listening skills and grasp at my lack of hors d'oeuvre skills cause with self distancing I could not hire Emeril Lagasse!!! PS Thanks for your suggestions. Sorry it turned out to still be way too long just consider this journaling ????

[pennstater]

A few things that jumped out at me are that you are great at not worrying about things you can't control and also smart to end toxic relationships. These are great life skills!

You also said you are your own worst critic, a trait I can relate to. Since you are struggling to accept your changed ablities, maybe if you view them in the context above, it may help you get to a better place.

You can't control your changed abilities, so let it go and don't worry about it. This in itself is a toxic relationship with yourself, so you need to end it for your own peace of mind.

All easier said than done. I have found journaling helps and I end each journal entry with 3 gratitudes. It truly lifts me. The other trick I try is to ask myself if this was a friend or family member with the disease and struggling, what would I want to tell them to comfort them.

It is ok to grieve lost abilities, but at some point, we have to cycle thru and get to acceptance for both our happiness and also our loved ones.

[jkforrest]

thanks for joining party

Pen:
Thanks for info. I have in past started each morning stating 3 things I'm grateful for often being the same thing several days in a row.

I am able to help say things to other folks, however unable to accept this for myself. Example: my daughter was mowing part of our yard when she was a teen yrs and yrs ago. She developed hives (whelps on legs from the cold). I had her immediately stop as I was worried about her and did NOT want her to be in any type of pain or discomfort. Here is my issue-----I expect myself to suck it up and unless I can't move period and have to lie down, I continue to TRY to get something done. I do realize with my intelligent brain this is absurd. However, I seem to be incapable to filter this down to being emotionally ok and accepting of this for myself. Do I realize this is necessary for me to have a happier more fulfilling life yes! Do I know how to do it no!!!!! Not for lack of trying or desire, but I seem to be clueless on how to do this.

I have taken on many tasks in the past folks thought I could or would never be able to do===surprise I did. However, this one has me stumped. I'm certainly trying NOT to be a whiny baby but I don't know where to get a clue or buy a vowel for sure. I am asking out there to community how is this done??

1> accepted MS no issue, just figured out what treatments to try
2> accepted new normal, figured out what I could do and how to do it
3> accepted I will probably never be able to do what I once could, however
currently lack skills to be able to accept that is ok for me. I can accept for others but not myself thus a feeling of failure that I don't know how to "do this".
4>btw do know I don't and am NOT perfect at all things as no one is we are all just human.

[jkforrest]

think I found in another post imagine that

could the answer be self esteem and sense of well being that I'm lacking? if yes how does one get this job done?

[pennstater]

On gratitudes, mine sometimes repeat. Sometimes just really simple things, like a beautiful bird appeared on the feeder or my blueberries tasted extra sweet today.

For me, it is everytime,I start to beat myself up for not doing something or not doing it as well as I would have liked, I ask myself a few questions:

1. Was I able to do something, but just didn't feel like it?
2. Did I slack off on effort?
3. If it was someone else in this position, would I be as hard on them as I am on myself?
   
   If the answer is "No" to all, then I reassure myself I did the best I could in this moment of time.
   
   I have found that over time, it is second nature and led me to stop being as hard on myself to begin with. It took a lot of effort to get there, but like any other bad habit, it takes time and consistency to break. Are there times still frustrated, of course. But these times are fewer and further apart.
   
   If you can't accept on your own, I really would work with a therapist to help get you there.
   

[KoKo]

Hi jk

Here is my issue-----I expect myself to suck it up and unless I can't move period and have to lie down, I continue to TRY to get something done. I do realize with my intelligent brain this is absurd. However, I seem to be incapable to filter this down to being emotionally ok and accepting of this for myself. Do I realize this is necessary for me to have a happier more fulfilling life yes! Do I know how to do it no!!!!! Not for lack of trying or desire, but I seem to be clueless on how to do this.

It sounds like you have zeroed in on what the issue is - good for you!

Awareness of the problem or challenge is the first step to change!

Changing our thinking and attitude is doable, with consistent self-talk.

Say to yourself the type of loving and supportive things that you would say to your daughter.

You have to become your own best encourager and supporter!

It's nice to get that from others, but it's much more beneficial when we learn to encourage, support, love, and respect ourselves.

We are with ourselves and our own thinking, 24/7.

Good luck - you can start being your own best friend at anytime!

[jkforrest]

Thanks for the therapy

Pennstater and KoKo: You both have been a Godsend for me. Thank goodness I didn't have to go back to therapy for this. Asking the three questions of myself is a fab idea and really spelled it out for me. Perhaps I need to cross stitch on pillow, tattoo on forehead, or make a beaded necklace stating thosed words. lol

Realizing what I would say to another person and BEING more accepting of myself than I have in the past. Will this be easy or fast I think not. However, most worthwhile things do take time.

You both deserve a gold star by your reward list for the week as you truly did help me figure out things to try to help turn around a very bad habit I've had for years. So thanks again for responding.

[Mamabug]

Thanks for the therapy
Pennstater and KoKo: You both have been a Godsend for me.

Kudos to Pennstater and Koko for finding the right words.

I'm glad, JKforrest, that they were able to help you figure things out. Glad you're feeling somewhat better.

[pennstater]

Glad that we were able to help. I laughed about places you need to put reminders - I had them everywhere. I put them in a doc, printed it out, then put them on a kitchen cabinet, bathroom, bedroom, even the living area!

Now the only thing up is a sign on the pantry door - "are you really hungry" -eating too much during our stay at home orders! Having Easter candy around while bored is a double whammy for me.

I hope you can come to some sort of truce with yourself. We are hear when you need extra support.