I am so ready to admit defeat right now. I use that warrior rhetoric in my head, but lately I've been saying, for what? Why? When my doctor called and said "you're pregnant" it was the happiest day of my life. I said when I got that 6 week ultrasound I would announce, and right after I did she died. I decided to take a break so three months later my thumb and index finger went completely numb.
At work this person I was hiring began to show really bad judgement and downtown elected not to process him but he flipped out and was recording me and taking photographs without me permission. Before I sent a cease and desist letter he said he hoped I would die alone because I would make a horrible (used another word) mother. Completely unrelated but I was downtown buying teaching supplies and this guy running tackled me from behind, injuring my hip, slammed my head into the ground, and spat in my face. I went to the preliminary hearing and he didn't show and it didn't matter because they hadn't arranged for an interpreter for him. Three days later I was robbed at a gas station.
I went to an urgent care center and asked her to do a really through differential with an open mind. I've been relapse free for over six years and was hoping it wasn't progression. The sx went away around the first week of January and I was so happy, but then I got L'hermitte's in those fingers and it was like being slapped in the face. This sx breaks your heart, you get distracted and forget about MS but then you move your head a bit without a thought it's like I'M STILL EATING HOLES IN YOUR PRECIOUS CPU. I know it's not the worst relapse ever but I believe I have tumefactive MS and it does seem to have that progression profile but I also read some people with it have one major attack and that's it. But not me. Neuro no hope because he "doesn't believe in labels."
I was getting ready to move and seemed to have good communication with the person I was going to rent the house from but he ghosted and I just let it go if he's a flake, my credit score is near perfect zero debt no smoking, etc. etc. so I don't know, but it doesn't matter because of my hip I'm in a maze of half packed boxes and I can't even vacuum. I stopped going to my therapist because I forgot two appointments and was charged, they were in my day planner and I had a post-it note but it didn't matter. I was speaking to my boss and I spoke over her and she lectured me about how I was rude and I was shattered inside but the cognitive stuff is always making your life difficult and undermining you too, I am not a rude person.
I'm also totally alone which is very difficult right now. I went back to my home state for a little under a week but I had a bad cold and PMS and was basically just a lump my mother shoveled food into. Everyone seemed to be under the impression I wasn't coming back up here but I'm not sure why. She said, "you're leaving" and I'm like well I'm not independently wealthy, so. If we dial 911 we have to call our boss so when I was telling her about the ex-in-hire before I flew down she said in most condescending voice imaginable you have to put the request in writing and I said I emailed you over three weeks ago so she said resend it and I will consider. So I had to nail bite because I had already bought the tickets.
One last thing. My old boss we used to be closer but not anymore, she's super busy but one day she calls all excited because guess what, someone she went to HS with has MS too and had to quit her nursing job and our lives were very similar and we're the same age. She's on tysabri have I heard of it? So I friend her on social media and send a lighthearted intro, /seen ignores me I try again, not laying heavy stuff on but like oh this happened, sucks huh /seen ignores me. So I give up, it's hard to make new friends after 35, but I feel for me it's just impossible. Everything's so non-trivial and depressing, AU on fire, half the planet dead, cratering inside somatically, crime though the roof, work difficult, too cold to go outside, it would be so nice to have a cup of coffee with someone but even that is asking too much. I don't even know what to do. Get an MRI? I have one healthy embryo left so it would just be informational. Continue to look for a new place first? Hire someone to clean this dust-riddled pile of filth around the boxes? Give up and just eat, sleep, go to work and let things devolve around me?
At work this person I was hiring began to show really bad judgement and downtown elected not to process him but he flipped out and was recording me and taking photographs without me permission. Before I sent a cease and desist letter he said he hoped I would die alone because I would make a horrible (used another word) mother. Completely unrelated but I was downtown buying teaching supplies and this guy running tackled me from behind, injuring my hip, slammed my head into the ground, and spat in my face. I went to the preliminary hearing and he didn't show and it didn't matter because they hadn't arranged for an interpreter for him. Three days later I was robbed at a gas station.
I went to an urgent care center and asked her to do a really through differential with an open mind. I've been relapse free for over six years and was hoping it wasn't progression. The sx went away around the first week of January and I was so happy, but then I got L'hermitte's in those fingers and it was like being slapped in the face. This sx breaks your heart, you get distracted and forget about MS but then you move your head a bit without a thought it's like I'M STILL EATING HOLES IN YOUR PRECIOUS CPU. I know it's not the worst relapse ever but I believe I have tumefactive MS and it does seem to have that progression profile but I also read some people with it have one major attack and that's it. But not me. Neuro no hope because he "doesn't believe in labels."
I was getting ready to move and seemed to have good communication with the person I was going to rent the house from but he ghosted and I just let it go if he's a flake, my credit score is near perfect zero debt no smoking, etc. etc. so I don't know, but it doesn't matter because of my hip I'm in a maze of half packed boxes and I can't even vacuum. I stopped going to my therapist because I forgot two appointments and was charged, they were in my day planner and I had a post-it note but it didn't matter. I was speaking to my boss and I spoke over her and she lectured me about how I was rude and I was shattered inside but the cognitive stuff is always making your life difficult and undermining you too, I am not a rude person.
I'm also totally alone which is very difficult right now. I went back to my home state for a little under a week but I had a bad cold and PMS and was basically just a lump my mother shoveled food into. Everyone seemed to be under the impression I wasn't coming back up here but I'm not sure why. She said, "you're leaving" and I'm like well I'm not independently wealthy, so. If we dial 911 we have to call our boss so when I was telling her about the ex-in-hire before I flew down she said in most condescending voice imaginable you have to put the request in writing and I said I emailed you over three weeks ago so she said resend it and I will consider. So I had to nail bite because I had already bought the tickets.
One last thing. My old boss we used to be closer but not anymore, she's super busy but one day she calls all excited because guess what, someone she went to HS with has MS too and had to quit her nursing job and our lives were very similar and we're the same age. She's on tysabri have I heard of it? So I friend her on social media and send a lighthearted intro, /seen ignores me I try again, not laying heavy stuff on but like oh this happened, sucks huh /seen ignores me. So I give up, it's hard to make new friends after 35, but I feel for me it's just impossible. Everything's so non-trivial and depressing, AU on fire, half the planet dead, cratering inside somatically, crime though the roof, work difficult, too cold to go outside, it would be so nice to have a cup of coffee with someone but even that is asking too much. I don't even know what to do. Get an MRI? I have one healthy embryo left so it would just be informational. Continue to look for a new place first? Hire someone to clean this dust-riddled pile of filth around the boxes? Give up and just eat, sleep, go to work and let things devolve around me?
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