Once a year vacation/High stress experience

[kittysmith]

Every July, my son, 13 and on autism spectrum, goes to autism camp. It's an amazing place and he looks forward to it all year. Plus, my husband and I get 5 days alone. My husband's parents used to live near the camp (in NC). It was great. We stayed with them and always had a good time. Now, my husband's mom is deceased and his dad lives near us in Tennessee.

Since we don't have family to stay with, we go to my hometown (about 2 hrs away) and stay with friends. It's great, but the heat and being on the run, trying to meet up with family and friends is exhausting. I have to see my narcissitic mom who is always mean to me and my brother. My mom continually asks why I have to nap and rest so much. I tell her every time it's MS fatigue. Her response is, "Is that your excuse for being so lazy in High School". I wasn't lazy in HS, nor was I in college, nor am I now. She expects me to visit her in her assited living every day we are there. After spending time with her I am mentally and physically beat. I LOVE getting together with friends and my brother's family. We are just going through some really rough stuff with my mom. She's out of control.

So, to summarize: Son loves camp, it's worth it to feel tired, have blurry eyes, pain, and having to use a cane when I get to spend time with my favorite people. Dread visiting my mom. Vacation=exhaustion and stress. No one really understands the level of exhaustion, least of all, my mom.

How do I get past the bad stuff in order to enjoy my time with friends and family I only see once a year?

[pennstater]

Sorry to hear about you Mom. When you used to stay with your in-laws, I am guessing you didn't drive to see Mom everyday. So rather than visit all 5 days, maybe limit it to 3. Give yourself a few days off. You don't need to be insulted every day.

If you can, maybe schedule an hour early to mid afternoon where you can rest in quiet for an hour. Give yourself a chance to recharge. Even if you don't nap, just having the quiet calm can do wonders.

I hope you have a great trip. Enjoy your family.

[MyGirlsMom]

Kittysmith,
My thought is just do what is best for you. I really do understand the mom challenges as I didn’t see my mother for many years due an unresolved issues and similar sorts of stuff. I have tried to “honor” my mother by being a good mother to my children and that is exactly what you are doing everyday!! (I think I got that from Dr Laura years ago.)

The most important thing you can do is be the best mom...and if that means taking 5 relaxing days for yourself doing what helps you, then in MHO, that is what you should do. Please don’t feel guilty...you need to receive your needs met so you can support your child. Hugs!!

[MMMMS]

How about faking that you have a set schedule? Let your mother know that you'll be there on a particular day. If she's available for a visit, you'll stop by for an hour or so. If she asks why you can't find more time in your schedule, too lazy I guess. Stick to your fake schedule, and don't divulge details. All your mother needs to know, because it's the only part of the schedule that involves her, is that you'll be available on one day for an hour or 2. Don't discuss your health or fatigue with her. If your schedule includes a nap, it's also none of her business. Don't give the truth to people who use it against you.

[marti]

Your situation sounds exhausting. I'd find a way around it somehow.

I absolutely hate it when someone suggests that I take a vacation. These are the people who just don't get it. They don't understand that there is no rest in a vacation for some of us.

If your Mom is in assisted living I'd guess you could just skip over that visit and do the best you can with the other family members. Would she know if you were in town? Would she care? Seems like it would be much less stressful for you if you just stayed away from Mom.

[kittysmith]

Thanks, Guys

I talked to my Mom last night. We had a great phone visit. That's not the way she normally acts, though. At least I can walk out and leave if she starts insulting me, demanding money or a ride to Wal-Mart. She's about to turn 86. My bro and I have talked about just cutting her out of our lives, but, we have tender hearts like our Dad. We don't want to hurt anyone, even her. Staying in the next town over helps. I so wish camp wasn't always in July. I'm going to make sure I take care of my body while we're gone. I will make time for rest and relaxation. I may stay up later and party a bit while we are temporarily childfree. Lol. I appreciate your responses.

[Mamabug]

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

That tends to be my attitude when others are a problem. I'm pretty good at deciding the problem is their circus, not mine.

I just go on and take care of myself and let them deal with their inaccurate perceptions however they wish. I just do what I need to do and set whatever boundaries I need to set to care for myself.