Human contact please

[Carolinemf]

.
feeling pretty down.

Probably multiple reasons.

Not least- stopped taking paroxetine.
Just another thing to remember so why bother with the added stress.
Doc up'd dose after discussion but haven't filled script.

feeling very stupid, cog fog makes me feel like i'm just fading away.
Some one actually said that something i queried was 'stupid' the other day.
Actually they said i was stupid for saying it.

Then i was counting on my fingers the months of age my grandaughter was and couldn't get it to make sense. I was a numbers person.
My husband and son just looked at me with concern.

Also been having lots of dizziness and headaches.

Am pretty much 'over' everything at the moment.
Thanks for listening.
It helps to gather thoughts.

[ElemteacherPK6]

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I can relate to mental health struggles, and they are very real and difficult to deal with. Did you stop your med suddenly? That can cause lots of symptoms including things like dizziness and headache and more. It doesn't sound like it's working for you, so maybe talk with your doc and with your neuro about your physical and cognitive concerns? I've also found a lot of value and help through therapy once I found a therapist I really clicked with.

Not sure if you wanted suggestions, but I wanted to offer them just in case. You are not alone! Wish I could give you some real human contact, but sometimes it helps to hear it even through a screen. Hang in there and take things on day or moment at a time.

[Myoak]

Hello Caroline,

I'm so sorry for the difficult time you are going through right now, bless your heart.

I am praying for you in this moment... that your heart and mind be at peace and that a new joy will flood your soul.

Now, for more practical matters... don't you think that following your doctor's advice may be a good idea? It is not difficult to believe that the prescription for paroxetine may be helpful.

Please attempt to do the things you believe will be helpful in recovering strength. Please do the things which you know are good for you... resting, taking helpful meds, maintaining good relationships. Please turn your thoughts toward life, love, and peace. First thoughts, then words, then deeds, as you gain momentum. Don't rush or hurry, give yourself a break, don't be hard on your self.

You have a wonderful life and family who loves you, needs you, and desire the very best for you with all their hearts.

Touch those who are near you, won't you? Just request one of your loved ones come near, take their hand and you tell them that you love them and appreciate them. They need your touch and your love just as much as you need their's.

I believe this present difficult time will pass, I truly do. I believe the fog will clear like a gentle breeze refreshing your mind, emotions, and thinking. Be of good cheer because this fog will pass, my dear friend.

Caroline, we are ten thousand miles apart but I am beside you right now in thoughts as warm as human touch.

[Carolinemf]

Thanks for the reply.

Just returned from a visit with grandbaby(11 mths) thought that may help shake this encroaching dose of self pity.

Only a temporary lightening.

No the motion sickness feeling has steadily been increasing in frequency and severity for a while.
Is worse with fatigue, like everything else.
In general i feel i am steadily progressing -a bit quicker maybe, over the last year or so.

Unfortunately i know there is very little to be done re: cognition.

Just hate worrying family about any concerns and sometimes i just can't seem to get my thoughts straight unless vocalised.

Aussies don't have as much faith in therapy as some others as a rule. i have been to a psychiatrist before diagnosis because apparently i was making myself ill. And a few years ago saw a councillor for a bit.
Probably wouldn't go there again though i am glad it's been of help for you.

More than anything i think a few incidents lately have severely knocked my sense of self worth big time.
I have always liked to think of myself as self reliant and capable- some might say stubborn- and try and face my ms consequences in a practical way.

But i do feel a bit like this is becoming kind of redundant enterprise.
The term - I would like to be remembered the way i was comes to mind.

[Golgotha]

More than anything i think a few incidents lately have severely knocked my sense of self worth big time.

Those are the issues that wound. The debilitation from those wounds can be worse than MS itself. Just don't let that push you into that downward spiral thing (been there, done that ).

The happy spin I always put on it is "life goes on, I've got to bounce back like I always do" -- and so far it's worked. And your self-reliant and stubborn core should help with that, right?

[Carolinemf]

Hello Myoak,
Thanks for your kind words.

Unfortunately being thought of as stupid by one of my loved ones is one of the things that has me wanting to just curl up in the fetal position and not stick my head out into the world again.
I know they regretted what they said as soon as it was out

But it hurts

[Carolinemf]

Golgotha,
You are so right. i do need to avoid those ominous spirals.

and normally my stubborn core would just tell it to push off and be damned.
i'm gonna get on with it.

But i forgot which month my grandaughter was born in.
She's only 11 months old.

How hurt would she be if she were old enough to know?
How much will i be hurting her in future with random brain farts?

Sorry spiral is winning i think.

[Myoak]

Hey, Caroline!

You are welcome!

Caroline, we all say things we wish we would not have, especially me, and way too often.

Don't be too hard on your loved one for blurting out something hurtful, everyone has moments like that. I have done it and so have you. The question now is... what can we do going forward to begin healing?

I suggest YOU be the one to begin the healing process by expressing your love to that person. Love covers transgressions. It doesn't excuse them, it forgives them and so should you. That is what love does and that is how love acts. You were hurt at your most vulnerable time; the combination of being vulnerable and getting hurt was devastating and may have made you feel like giving up on prospects of your future.

But I believe in you, Caroline. I believe you have the strength and the will to begin shaping the kind of life, the way of living, you desire.

I wish you the best. Hang in there! You can come through this.

I believe in you.

[Carolinemf]

Hey myoak!

You are supposed to wave a magic wand and make me feel better!?!?!?

Not make me bawl in front of a keyboard like a blithering idiot.....!


Really.. thank you all so much for letting me dump on you.

I hope i haven't brought anyone down with all my negative's...

Is good not to feel quite so alone....

I have really had a few tough months and that has contributed to med routines etc etc also getting out of wack.
Which has made other things worse.. sleep ,stomach,cramps,menopause-domino's etc...

I am a wall builder. Its my coping mechanism.
But it does get lonely behind here.

I didn't sleep well again last night and have another headache waking up.
Its an absolutely beautiful day outside...
I should be out in my garden....but ...

I took my regular dose of paroxetine this morning .

I don't know if I can take your advice and be the bigger man Myoak.
I have in the past but i am finding forgiveness hard to find this time around.

Humans are a pain in general and family specifically most of the time.
I want a puppy...
But then it has to be cared for... so maybe not.

neuro apt 7/5 may be postponed because jcv test not back yet.
We have a lot on over the next couple of months and don't need anymore hurdles.
having monthly blood tests to keep track of platelet count ,due next week too.
etc
Stress levels increasing just starting this list.

So i'll see how i go.
Guess i should just get up off my bum and get started.

[Mamabug]

No advice, other than don't shut yourself off from those who care about you.

Thinking of you.

[Myoak]

Oh my dear, Caroline, the last person I made cry was my guitar instructor! I'm certain he was convinced I had a severe learning disability! Guitar is definitely not my calling. Jingle Bells after 3 weeks made that abundantly clear. I'm still embarrassed. Duh! Oh well, he has recovered by now.

I have forgotten and I am too lazy to go back and look, are you on Tysabri, Caroline? You mentioned the JCV test is why I thought you may be. Tysabri is a good DMT, IMO.

Thank you for being transparent in your posts. You are loved and safe here expressing, frustrations, doubts, anger or whatever is happening, good or bad. We are all the same, Caroline. Never fear bringing anyone down by expressing how you feel. I don't want you to be struggling but we all do at times and I am refreshed by your honesty. Honesty is the right way to go and expression is often the first step in healing.

Thank you for sharing the way you have. We share joys with anyone but we share our hurts only with those we trust not to hurt us more. So in that way I feel privileged, trusted and closer to you, my dear friend.

You are such a quality person. How wonderful to know you.

[Jules A]

I'm so sorry you are feeling down, especially that someone made you feel even worse. Something to consider is that with profound depression can come a loss of mental acuity. Hopefully when your depression lifts your thoughts will clear.

Therapy, if done by a skilled clinician, can be life changing. I say medication can take the edge off symptoms to get your attention but therapy is where the real growth with regard to strategies and acceptance comes into play. It is unfortunate that our Aussie friends haven't embraced the research supporting the value of structured therapy yet. Hopefully that will change.

[marti]

Caroline you are so very normal! Who on this board has NOT struggled? We all have! It's just a little harder for us to recover. Takes longer.

I'm going thru some of this right now. Yesterday was Sam's birthday... the first since he passed on. We all had a bad time with it. I asked myself "what's wrong with me?". There is NOTHING wrong with me. And there is nothing wrong with you. Take it all a step at a time. You'll come back around to your old self.

[REG53]

Caroline, I'm so sorry your are going thru a rough time of feeling depressed. I prayed for brighter days for you.

I hope you get back to your garden soon. It may help you feel better.

[pennstater]

Caroline,

So sorry you are feeling down. I am sure your loved one feels awful for having said that. I know for me, the thing that hurts the most is when someone comments on something I am worried about. And cognitive abilities are it for me.

Whether fair or not, I tell people that sometimes it feels like I have ADD, or what I envision living with untreated ADD might feel like. That sometimes helps people understand. When someone says something about my memory, it hurts. But that is what I also worry the most about. So it brings it front and center.

I hope you find yourself feeling better soon.