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    Been gone for quite a while...I'll try to explain why

    I found answers here, I found advice here. I also have to find myself.

    This journey of MS is not the same for everyone. Right now, I want to cry. But I won't do it.

    My journey has taken me to a place that I would have never thought a positive, confident, and forward looking person, that is adaptive to change could not see.
    If you look back into my profile, I have been diagnosed since 2006, according to the physicians. I am just accepting. Yet, the struggle is real when the time comes that retirement at age 56 is upon me. Not something a sibling or lifelong friend can actually accept no less yourself. I make jokes to try to "ease" what is my reality. I miss my career. But I also appreciate the fact that I know my limitations. Do I want to be the old me...sure. Am I the old me 10 years ago... NO.
    I want to continue on trying to adapt. Is this easy? Well, I want to be positive however it's difficult.

    I want to cry. Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what is my life going forward. Do I really have what it takes to continue forward. Maybe I'm having one of those days. Pain, depression, what else that I can't, won't disclose.

    I'm contemplating leaving my family because I want to. Not death, but being selfish. To be this person I've always been, to just make my own choices without having to have another opinion. I have a supportive family. "?" A husband, children, grandchildren. My mother is living, and I have a sister that is the best big sister anyone could have. I really can't envision a support person having my back more than she. But, I recently have questions and concerns about how she really feels about me???

    So, what is my problem? I realize it. I know I do. But, I don't know. Do I want independence with a disability that could only worsen or do I want to play it safe with the family I've also been there for. I think I contribute to the family structure. As in, I try to make sure the family comes together no matter the reason or occasion. Am I selfish to feel that maybe someone else should take the wheel? But guess how that turned out the last holiday season. I, and my immediate family were left out, not included, not informed. Why? I was sick and weak. I wanted for someone else to take the wheel. And it ended up that my immediate family were the consequence of being left out of the holiday get togethers.
    If I were not a part of planning it, my family was not included.

    WAIT, here we go... husband just walked in and literally walked right by me. Gone. I am alone all day, every evening, but I have to be present when he cooks or I have an attitude.
    I am so conflicted. I love him. He's a good provider.
    I am done for today. I am so confused. Love him or leave him? But would I be leaving my entire family. Him, children, grandchildren, and extended family?

    Well?

    #2
    Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you but I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post about your struggles. I'm sure many here can relate on some level. I hope things improve and that you get some clarity.
    He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
    Anonymous

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by Jules A View Post
      Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you but I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post about your struggles. I'm sure many here can relate on some level. I hope things improve and that you get some clarity.
      Jules A,

      You have been my constant from day one. I initially thought your preparation for this time was a little "strong". I thought your future outlook was kinda harsh. Sorry but I didn't/couldn't see your view. I'm now at the point where I can see myself in a place where if I need assistance outside my family I am prepared. You placed a thought where I may not have realized your opinion was realistic, yet, but was taken, pondered and thus stayed on my mind.

      Thank you

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by livinms View Post
        Jules A,
        You have been my constant from day one. I initially thought your preparation for this time was a little "strong". I thought your future outlook was kinda harsh. Sorry but I didn't/couldn't see your view. I'm now at the point where I can see myself in a place where if I need assistance outside my family I am prepared. You placed a thought where I may not have realized your opinion was realistic, yet, but was taken, pondered and thus stayed on my mind.
        Thank you
        Funny how we can be oblivious to our impact on others. You are very welcome and I can only hope I have not caused you undue duress. This is a well needed reminder that my online ruminations are being considered sometimes.

        My delivery can be a rough around the edges and I am no-nonsense but I truly don't ever intend to be mean spirited. I continue to strive for growth which means different things to me at different times and for now I am attempting to be more patient, flexible and thoughtful.

        Thank you, your words will stay with me. I hope you continue to write because as you know there are some smart, insightful folks here for support.
        He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
        Anonymous

        Comment


          #5
          Difficult conversation continued...

          Jules A.

          Please don't stop your truth. You stuck in my head many years ago while I was still all in with my career. Your words can and will also do the same for many others. Expressing the reality is what is needed and to help others prepare and be strong on their journey.

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by livinms View Post
            Jules A.
            Please don't stop your truth. You stuck in my head many years ago while I was still all in with my career. Your words can and will also do the same for many others. Expressing the reality is what is needed and to help others prepare and be strong on their journey.
            I think sometimes our truth might need to adapt? Being flexible seems to be a characteristic of strong people and you definitely sound like a strong person.

            What I'm sure others here will encourage too is that your family also gets a say in the matter.
            I guarantee they don't want you leaving them even if you have changed. We all change that is a given and it seems there are always some pros and some cons with changes especially those that come with aging.
            He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
            Anonymous

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by livinms View Post
              I found answers here, I found advice here. I also have to find myself.

              This journey of MS is not the same for everyone. Right now, I want to cry. But I won't do it.

              My journey has taken me to a place that I would have never thought a positive, confident, and forward looking person, that is adaptive to change could not see.
              If you look back into my profile, I have been diagnosed since 2006, according to the physicians. I am just accepting. Yet, the struggle is real when the time comes that retirement at age 56 is upon me. Not something a sibling or lifelong friend can actually accept no less yourself. I make jokes to try to "ease" what is my reality. I miss my career. But I also appreciate the fact that I know my limitations. Do I want to be the old me...sure. Am I the old me 10 years ago... NO.
              I want to continue on trying to adapt. Is this easy? Well, I want to be positive however it's difficult.

              I want to cry. Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what is my life going forward. Do I really have what it takes to continue forward. Maybe I'm having one of those days. Pain, depression, what else that I can't, won't disclose.

              I'm contemplating leaving my family because I want to. Not death, but being selfish. To be this person I've always been, to just make my own choices without having to have another opinion. I have a supportive family. "?" A husband, children, grandchildren. My mother is living, and I have a sister that is the best big sister anyone could have. I really can't envision a support person having my back more than she. But, I recently have questions and concerns about how she really feels about me???

              So, what is my problem? I realize it. I know I do. But, I don't know. Do I want independence with a disability that could only worsen or do I want to play it safe with the family I've also been there for. I think I contribute to the family structure. As in, I try to make sure the family comes together no matter the reason or occasion. Am I selfish to feel that maybe someone else should take the wheel? But guess how that turned out the last holiday season. I, and my immediate family were left out, not included, not informed. Why? I was sick and weak. I wanted for someone else to take the wheel. And it ended up that my immediate family were the consequence of being left out of the holiday get togethers.
              If I were not a part of planning it, my family was not included.

              WAIT, here we go... husband just walked in and literally walked right by me. Gone. I am alone all day, every evening, but I have to be present when he cooks or I have an attitude.
              I am so conflicted. I love him. He's a good provider.
              I am done for today. I am so confused. Love him or leave him? But would I be leaving my entire family. Him, children, grandchildren, and extended family?

              Well?
              Hi livinms

              Thank you for sharing with us.

              It appears that you have both physical and emotional issues going on that you are dealing with. Tough combination!

              I needed to seek counseling/therapy in order to make some sense of my issues.

              Therapy helped me immensely, thank goodness.

              Trying to make big decisions, while not exactly being in a very good place emotionally, is not such a wise idea.

              You may just need some time and space to work through your stuff.

              I wish I had the qualifications give you answers and wise advice, but for now you have my support, as well as an 'ear' to listen.

              Take Care
              PPMS for 26 years (dx 1998)
              ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

              Comment


                #8
                Livinms,
                Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you, Jules and Koko for participating also.

                I have felt these feelings and lived through these variations and extremes. I try not to make any big decisions when I am at a low point. You seem to have a large ecology of family and connections among whom you live. I know it is hard, but don't give up on them and don't give up on yourself. And don't give up on finding new, evolving ways to work together.

                I believe we are all stronger than we know. When my MS (I have had MS for decades) has taken yet another asset away from me, I have eventually found something in myself I didn't realize I could draw on. Sometimes persevering no matter what is all I have.

                The challenges of MS for me are not just the physical or cognitive. I am working my hardest on faith and hope. Faith in myself. Faith in the others who have been given to me to love. Faith that they are loving me back as best they can. Expectations can easily blind me to the beauty that is right before me. Hope is to keep trying.

                Don't give up.
                Stay lifted,
                Mermaid Susan
                "Life is short, and we have but little time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us; so let us be swift to love, and make haste to be kind."
-Henri Amiel

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by KoKo View Post
                  Trying to make big decisions, while not exactly being in a very good place emotionally, is not such a wise idea.

                  You may just need some time and space to work through your stuff.
                  I agree with KoKo here that perhaps this is a good time to step back a bit before you make any decision. Leaving your family, however you feel right now, is huge! Are you fully equipped to live independently, both physically and mentally, in the future?

                  The suggestion to seek counseling/therapy is also a good idea. I needed it in my past and it was a game changer for me.

                  Thanks for sharing, livinms. I wish you well
                  1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
                  Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

                  Comment


                    #10
                    When did you retire? There is a longer than expected adjustment period when you retire. And then it happens all over again when your husband retires. And it's a huge adjustment. Even when you want to retire and look forward to it, the adjustment is real.

                    Comment

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