How do I tell my boyfriend I think we should break up

[Daisycat]

I am as sure as I can be. As far as I know no one in my family ever needed any assistance walking or living in general. I obviously can’t know about every single member of my family BUT every close member I know about lived a long and healthy life and defiantly never had any signs of this crud.
I am defiantly appreciative of my wild younger days. I have been there and done that and know no good comes from it. I am kind of scared as to what I would be doing if I hadn’t had my wild years.
And I am defiantly making sure I spend my money on fun things now. I make the minimum payments every month and if there is any intreset at the end of the year I plan to pay that off (mostly so I can get more in taxes… I know it probably won’t be as much as I pay BUT at least I’ll be paying extra). I did have my 5 year plan to pay it off. It would have been rough, but I had every penny planned to make sure I had it paid off ASAP to save for my rescue.

[Mamabug]

... it baffles me that people here either seem to think I should ... accept what is my life and find a way to be happy.

Hmmm. And you've found a better option?

Your preference seems to be to remain unhappy, to be angry at the universe and resentful of your help friends and family members.

Faced with those two choices, there's no question which I'd choose. I'm not sure why you believe your choice is better.

[Daisycat]

What I am doing (being angry about this) keeps me motivated to work out and eat healthy and take all my supplements. It is motivating me to do things I would have never tried before (sky diving and bungee jumping… although I have to wait on both for awhile… who knew they wouldn’t want you jumping out of a plane with a bunch of piercings…)



I am going to see at least 3 bands I have always wanted to see this year and probably more once more concert dates are announced. Before I would have been too worried about paying off student loans, I also had never taken a vacation at work… But change in our max carry over PTO policy and me deciding I need to make the most of however long I have left have made for several nice 2 weeks vacations coming up. I am talking with my practice manager about the possibility of me taking a 3 week vacation in June since I still have to much PTO and it is very hard to get under the amount they allow now.




If I decided to accept this disease I might not be as into working out and eating right. I might not care about getting sunlight and avoiding alcohol since I already have this disease so I would think what is the point.



My way gives me a tiny amount of hope that I can actually live my entire life “normally” and maybe in 10 years or so start actually planning for a future and relaxes a tiny tiny amount on the working out and dieting. I plan to fight this thing with everything I have.

[Mamabug]

What I am doing (being angry about this) keeps me motivated to work out and eat healthy and take all my supplements. It is motivating me to do things I would have never tried before ...

My way gives me a tiny amount of hope that I can actually live my entire life “normally” and maybe in 10 years or so start actually planning for a future and relaxes a tiny tiny amount on the working out and dieting. I plan to fight this thing with everything I have.

You have some good things to say here.

But motivation can sprout from determination. It doesn't need to start with anger.

Anger is often accompanied by clenched fists, increased heart rate and, most dangerous of all -- stress.

Determination, on the other hand, is often accompanied by dreams, hard work and dedication to a goal.

Stress can undo all the good diet and exercise strategies you are working so hard to incorporate.

We often hear about stress triggering strokes and heart attacks. But stress exacerbates health problems in many diseases.

I have a friend who has been a health nut for all of the 30 years that I have known her. She prepares healthy meals and snacks and rarely eats out. She's never been a smoker. She exercises. She takes supplements and uses essential oils. She maintains a healthy weight, etc.

But she was the caregiver for her elderly mother, who had dementia, for 5+ years. And two years ago, she lost her 26 y.o. daughter in an unusual ski diving accident.

In spite of all the healthful things she was doing, and no family hx of cancer, she developed cancer. More than one doctor has attributed it to stress.

Daisycat, continue your motivation to work out and eat healthy. Continue to set goals to try new things.

But swap your anger for determination. And add some joy and happiness and hope.

[Daisycat]

For me what started my motivation was a night of Dr googling and finding different things on exercise and fasting mimicking diets. I had had a cruddy day at work and had horrible cramps so I was angry about something else entirely and it morphed into anger over this disease. This is giving me something to focus on and keeps me motivated to reach a new goal every day.


I agree with the stress thing… but since I have started working out my resting heart rate has dropped tremendously – as well as my at work heart rate. But knowing I have a night of Netflix binging and running on the treadmill or with my dog helps. If I can put this out of my mind I can avoid stress, and being able to vent helps me a lot with stress. I have no one IRL to vent to so I usually get it all out on here. I have one friend, who knows, but everyone else who knows isn’t someone I can talk to about this and I feel bad burdening her 24/7 when she is going through a lot of drama herself right now.

I do find joy and happiness in little things. Like checking things off my bucket list or buying tickets for my concerts, but I just do not think I am at the point to where I am going to be happy more often than I am angry and sad.

[Seasha]

Thanks to everyone who has responded to Daisy's thread and have given much needed advice. This thread with 64 replies has run it's course so at this time we are going to close it.

Daisy, we hope your can work things out with your boyfriend (your original question). You may always ask more questions or comments in a new thread.

[Seasha]

This thread is now open for business

[Daisycat]

I am still at a loss on this one. I go back and forth on this and have talked about this with my BF. I think he is expecting best case outcome and I am expecting worst case outcome. There are so many things to consider with this for me. Its not like I want to leave him to run off with some rich guy and do nothing but travel the world.

I honestly feel guilty for staying with him. An example... he went out with some friends and their SO to eat and drink the other night. I didn't go because I can't do any of those things (and also because I had to get up at 6 the next day and we had two emergency surgeries scheduled... so I figured I shouldn't go into work on no sleep)

He wants to go to dinner some nights , but I always tell him no because I am still learning what I can and cannot eat on my new way of eating... so our usual one night a week of eating out has stopped.

I just feel like our lives are going in two different directions and unless I somehow "cure" myself of this disease we are going to keep drifting further and further apart. Some days I feel like all I do is work , work out , and sleep. The most we talk on some days is the 15 minutes when I can get him to help me play HQ...

My priorities in life have changed because of this disease and I do still love him , but it is really hard for me to justify staying with him some days. I know he misses how it used to be , but I can never be that way again.

I know I have said a lot of this before... but I am still working out how I feel. And yes he should be a part of this decision , but I sometimes wonder if his love for me is blinding him to how unhappy he really is now.

[kittysmith]

Here's a thought...

Just say, "Hey, I hoped this would work out, but I am determined to fight this on my own and do not care about how you or anyone else feels. You need to leave now. We are through". Why string him along when you are never going to change your mind or try to be happy? There. End of story. Good luck to you both!

[Jules A]

Just say, "Hey, I hoped this would work out, but I am determined to fight this on my own and do not care about how you or anyone else feels. You need to leave now. We are through". Why string him along when you are never going to change your mind or try to be happy? There. End of story. Good luck to you both!

I kind of like it. And if as I suspect this isn't what DC really means maybe she will find peace with the gamble we all take in relationships. If and when he's ready to bail he will regardless of what she attempts to orchestrate.

[Mamabug]

I think he is expecting best case outcome and I am expecting worst case outcome.

I'm so glad you talked to him about your plans for the future. Even though your opinions aren't the same, good communication is a solid foundation to continue talking and to make decisions when it's time.

Reality will likely be somewhere in between best-case and worst-case. I don't advocate throwing away an eighteen year relationship with a man you want to grow old with.

You've made clear the door to leave is open. If you are not unhappy, there is no reason for you to end the relationship. He gets to decide if he is unhappy enough to leave.

If you make his adult decisions for him, that would be a reason to feel guilty. "Staying with him", instead of breaking his heart, is not a reason to feel guilty.

[Daisycat]

Kitty

because I’ve just had a 100% honest talk about my plans. I’m sure it was at least a little shocking. I’ve hinted at it but never said 100% this is what’s happening. So maybe it’s a shock to him.


Jules

if we cant come to an agreement we probably will bail. It’s not something we are going to discuss everyday but it will be talked about again.

Mamabug

i think my fear is hell regret staying after everything is all over. But that’s a discussion for another day.

[Jules A]

Jules

if we cant come to an agreement we probably will bail. It’s not something we are going to discuss everyday but it will be talked about again.

Mamabug

i think my fear is hell regret staying after everything is all over. But that’s a discussion for another day.

I get it, we all do, but my thought is if he regrets it that's on him. And keep in mind you are looking at it through your lens. He not regret it.

I could be deluding myself but my husband who I also gave the option to bail very likely wouldn't regret staying with me even if the unthinkable happens. He's just that kind of guy. I'm not but he truly is.