How do I tell my boyfriend I think we should break up

[Daisycat]

After a lot of thought and talking with my good friend and dr I have decided I am leaving my boyfriend. He deserves better.

He didnt sign up to be my caretaker and he deserves a chance to find someone he can have a real future with.

I was was really hoping he would take me up on my offers to walk away but I know that would make him look bad.

I don’t hate him. This actually breaks my heart but I know it might be 15 years from now but I’m not going to make him into a caretaker.

When should i do this? Do I wait until after the holidays , tomorrow (tonight isn’t an option his favorite team is playing football), when our lease is up)

i plan to stay single forever so I’m not worried about myself but I just want to give him the best chance to have a real future with someone.

I realized after this past week we no longer have anything we can share. Sorry for my rambling but this really breaks my heart. I thought we would grow old together, but I love him enough to let him go.

Whats sad is this December would be 18 years that we were together but at least I got to know true love once.

[headrift]

Might sound odd, but he's got a say as well. When I was first diagnosed, I gave my girlfriend (at the time) the option to walk away, as you did. She declined, and was very understanding. At that point it was just on me to keep being a hassle down to a minimum, which I really needed.

Make sure he understands the new situation, but also make sure you're not being more of a drag than he can handle. *shrug*

If the two of you really want to be together (and after 18 years, you do) don't make this a hassle on him. Neither of you deserve it.

[Daisycat]

I get that he should have some say but In the end as much as it breaks my heart I know it’s the right thing.

As of right now everything is the same as it was when I was “normal “ (except we don’t go out to dinner or I never go out with him anymore)

he deserves someone he can actually do things with. My focus is on preventing this thing from progressing and that means some days I might spend 2 hours or more working out. And I’m never going to take a “day off “ my diet.

Its to important to me to prevent this thing from progressing.

And I know I’m a drag but I’m miserable and I’ve tried everything I can think off.

I even talked to someone (apparently my company has free employee assistance where we can talk to counselors at no cost to us- yay for me for finally looking at all our benefits)

[headrift]

And I know I’m a drag but I’m miserable and I’ve tried everything I can think off.

Being "a drag" is something you might feel about yourself and he might not feel about you. If you're not up for going out to dinner, let him know. If you need to exercise instead of going out, let him know.

Communication is a key thing. If he's been around for 18 years, you probably know that already. Let him know that you might need some help now or in the future. Lean on him.

If he doesn't like the new situation or doesn't like the new you, then yeah, get rid of him and make room for the next partner. At least get rid of his weight. That's a big "if", though.

[pennstater]

If you don't love him and/or not a healthy relationship, then break up with him.

If you have grown apart and both feel that no future is possible, and you want different things out of life, then break up.

If you are breaking up with him because of your fear of the future, then he should be involved. Can you honestly say that if the situation was reversed and he was the one with MS, that you would walk away or want him to break up with you without giving you a voice?

Really curious what your doctor said that supports you leaving your boyfriend? I was going to suggest if it is the fear of the future, take him to a neuro visit, discuss the possible challenges of life with MS, then discuss and decide your future.

You seem to be jumping way ahead and assuming you need a caregiver. You are throwing away alot of living for what if scenarios that may never come true.

[Daisycat]

I am thinking about breaking up with him because I do not feel he should be forced to take care of me and I feel he deserves someone he can actually do things with. If it was reversed I would not leave him, but if he felt the way I do I don’t think there would be anything I could say to change his mind.

The Dr said it made sense to him that I would want to leave my BF to give him the chance to find someone to have a future with while he was still youngish. I am jumping ahead and I am not wanting to steal his future and retirement years.

Head drift-


He has been 100% supportive most of the time. I just feel guilty that I might be holding him back one day from things he had planned for his life. He deserves that future… not the other one that might happen.

[Daisycat]

I should add this was brought on by are the caregivers happy thread. I would rather us break up and still love each other and mourn for what we lost instead of us growing to despise each other and wishing we had never known each other.

[Mamabug]

I agree with Headrift and Pennstater; he has a say too. This is an eighteen year relationship. You don't have any right to dictate an end to this.

If you were in an unhealthy relationship, it would be different. You need to take care of yourself.

But your significant other is the one that needs to take care of him. It is not loving and thoughtful, but rather presumptuous and controlling of you to assume you know what is best for him.

By all means have a conversation about your concerns; offer him a way out if he wants it.

But this is, absolutely, not your decision to make. He is an adult. A decision this important warrants a "conversation", not an "announcement" or "proclamation".

[sarabeach123]

The Dr said it made sense to him that I would want to leave my BF to give him the chance to find someone to have a future with while he was still youngish. I am jumping ahead and I am not wanting to steal his future and retirement years.

Daisy, if your doctor is validating your fears that you are going to become disabled and dependant on your boyfriend, then I am concerned that your doctor doesn't understand MS; and also that he is overstepping his bounds in terms of advice giving. Is this your neuro or your primary care doctor?

[pennstater]

Did your doctor say anything else other than it made sense to him that you would want to leave your boyfriend?

If not, this infuriates me. I had the same conversation with my neuro. He told me that I was making an "I" decision that should be a "we" decision. He also said that I was presuming the worst case prognosis and also assuming that my now husband was going to live a picture perfect life with someone else and have no health issues himself.

To further illustrate his point that I was predicting a future which may not happen, he told me either one of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

He also said that with the meds today, that it was possible I wouldn't need a caregiver until I was the age my peers needed one.

He then said we needed to discuss together.

So if your doc just left it that it was a good idea for you to leave your boyfriend when the doc suspects CIS and not yet MS, it really pisses me off.

[Bobby72]

After a lot of thought and talking with my good friend and dr I have decided I am leaving my boyfriend. He deserves better.

He didnt sign up to be my caretaker and he deserves a chance to find someone he can have a real future with.

I was was really hoping he would take me up on my offers to walk away but I know that would make him look bad.

I don’t hate him. This actually breaks my heart but I know it might be 15 years from now but I’m not going to make him into a caretaker.

When should i do this? Do I wait until after the holidays , tomorrow (tonight isn’t an option his favorite team is playing football), when our lease is up)

i plan to stay single forever so I’m not worried about myself but I just want to give him the best chance to have a real future with someone.

I realized after this past week we no longer have anything we can share. Sorry for my rambling but this really breaks my heart. I thought we would grow old together, but I love him enough to let him go.

Whats sad is this December would be 18 years that we were together but at least I got to know true love once.

I think that after 18 year's it's you wanting to do this to be a little selfish on your part per say. If he has stuck by you this long and without complaining then maybe you are the one who is on happy.
Do you feel like this possibly I have to suspect that this is the case. Maybe you are going through a rough patch with your MS and it's affecting your emotions. But for a Dr to say that he is wrong. And if you are afraid of being left when you do get crippled up I get that but what if he had a stroke would you not care for him.

[Bobby72]

After a lot of thought and talking with my good friend and dr I have decided I am leaving my boyfriend. He deserves better.

He didnt sign up to be my caretaker and he deserves a chance to find someone he can have a real future with.

I was was really hoping he would take me up on my offers to walk away but I know that would make him look bad.

I don’t hate him. This actually breaks my heart but I know it might be 15 years from now but I’m not going to make him into a caretaker.

When should i do this? Do I wait until after the holidays , tomorrow (tonight isn’t an option his favorite team is playing football), when our lease is up)

i plan to stay single forever so I’m not worried about myself but I just want to give him the best chance to have a real future with someone.

I realized after this past week we no longer have anything we can share. Sorry for my rambling but this really breaks my heart. I thought we would grow old together, but I love him enough to let him go.

Whats sad is this December would be 18 years that we were together but at least I got to know true love once.

Ok I just went through to find out when you got your DX and in the first couple of years we all get that way and try and blame ourselves and then the denial and depression then we will push people away I believe from fear and depression and I can admit I have done the same as you are now with in a year of my DX.

[Daisycat]

Mamabug


I agree that he should have *some* say , buy I don’t want him to end up resenting me which a lot of caretakers end up doing. I offered him an “out” twice. (well five times if you count every day I was in the hospital), but each time he said no. I just don’t want him to end up hating me when we could end things as friends and still love each other but in a different way.

sarabeach


This was from a neuro . My PCP has already told me he doesn’t know enough about this disease to feel it is his place to give a lot of advice. He will answer small questions , but I doubt anything like this one.


Pennstater


Nope… he said it made sense to him that I want to give him a chance to find someone to have a future with and not someone who *might* one day end up needing his help on everything I do. It kind of surprised me that he said that… but I see my third one (the highly recommended specialist one) Thursday so maybe she’ll have a different view.

Bobby72


Up until 14 months ago I was very happy and thought we would grow old together. I just don’t want him to end up hating me because he thinks I stole his future. These entire 14 months have been a rough patch for me. I cannot think of one day where I have been truly happy for the entire day. I have had things happen that have made me happy but reality quickly comes back to me.


I just really want us to remember the good times and not him having to bathe me and take me to the bathroom and feed me and pay for everything ( yes I know a 100% worst case scenario)

[Jules A]

Nope… he said it made sense to him that I want to give him a chance to find someone to have a future with and not someone who *might* one day end up needing his help on everything I do. It kind of surprised me that he said that… but I see my third one (the highly recommended specialist one) Thursday so maybe she’ll have a different view.

But in all fairness to this poor Doc he was asked an impossible question. I have to agree that it makes sense we would consider this. Why would he invalidate your concerns when they are what I suspect we have all wondered about?

I sure did. I resolved it in my mind by having what I feel is a relatively iron clad plan to go to a skilled nursing facility with an advanced directive indicating no treatment for anything except pain. I definitely considered what it would be like if my poor husband was forced to be my caregiver and no thank you. And FWIW I'm surely not being his caregiver either if, God forbid, something happens to him.

While I definitely don't think we need to throw in the towel before its time MS does not have a great prognosis overall and frankly they can shove that CIS placeholder where the sun don't shine. Expecting physicians to hold our hands and pretend as if there isn't the likelihood of significant disability in our future is unrealistic.

[Temagami]

You seem like a person who likes to be in control and here you are controlling your BF´s future without his input. Doesn´t seem like you are giving him the same space that you seek for yourself.

Were he to stay with you and were you to need his help for daily care, or even before that point, he has the freedom to walk away at any time and YET, he is still there.

Then there´s always the chance that he will need your help or if he were to leave you, what guarantee is there that the new partner would not get diagnosed with something serious?

Mindful meditation would add a lot to your basket of coping skills and help you put this all in perspective.