Do I cut my mom out of my life?

[Daisycat]

I think I did misread what Marco wrote. Its been a long week. Broken water heater... stressful emergency surgeries and my arm feels like someone stabbed it for hours yesterday so I can't work out.

Finding ways to deal with stress is one thing , but no one should have to be called a b at work by clients. Everyone should treat people who are doing their job with respect. ( with exceptions of course... I mean the person who told me I had a fatal brain tumor deserved to be fired - which she was)

I have to separate myself from the tragedies I see with animals. If I let that get to me I would curl up in a ball and cry more than I already do.

[Mamabug]

Finding ways to deal with stress is one thing , but no one should have to be called a b at work by clients. Everyone should treat people who are doing their job with respect.

I agree.

But stressing about it doesn't hurt them; it hurts you. Find some resiliency strategies that work for you and use them.

[Daisycat]

I agree.

But stressing about it doesn't hurt them; it hurts you. Find some resiliency strategies that work for you and use them.

My problem is everything that used to help me with stress are things I can't do anymore. So now I am just working out excessively and dieting as strict as possible since at least my weight is one thing I can control. '

I can't smoke , drink , go out with friends , go to dinner and restaurant food , talk to people and joke around... So basically Netflix and working out are my only to ways I have to deal with stress.

And I can't do the things I mentioned above because either it is bad for people like me. ( smoking or eating dinner out with friends , been there with drinking - it turns into a massive wine addiction , and I just don't enjoy being around "normal" people anymore. - we no longer have anything in common and when they talk about the insignificant problems in their life I want to smack them....

So I am just going to have to get used to Netflix and working out as a way to relieve stress.
Tattoos and piercings are defiantly a massive help , but I need to give all the things I have had done in the past 2 months time to heal so it will be a few months before I can finish.

[Jules A]

I can't smoke , drink , go out with friends , go to dinner and restaurant food , talk to people and joke around... So basically Netflix and working out are my only to ways I have to deal with stress.

I work out and don't smoke or drink but no going out to restaurants with friends, talking to people or joking around?

[Mamabug]

I can't smoke , drink , go out with friends , go to dinner and restaurant food , talk to people and joke around... So basically Netflix and working out are my only to ways I have to deal with stress.

And I can't do the things I mentioned above because either it is bad for people like me.
...

So I am just going to have to get used to Netflix and working out as a way to relieve stress.

I know I'm a broken record. But resiliency strategies, Daisycat. Resiliency strategies.

My doctor would disagree, big time, with discontinuing going out with friends. He would be recommending that you increase, not decrease, that. That's a resiliency strategy.

And that you need to add additional resiliency strategies. He would also recommend documenting them -- if you write them duwn, you'll hold yourself more accountable.

If you quit going out with friends and doing fun things you like, that's going backwards. Resiliency helps us to cope with stressors and adds to quality of health.

Taking away your resiliency strategies will make stress more difficult to manage. Managing stress is just as important as taking your medicine, eating a healthy diet, and exercising.

[Mamabug]

And I can't do the things I mentioned above because either it is bad for people like me. ( smoking or eating dinner out with friends , been there with drinking - it turns into a massive wine addiction , and I just don't enjoy being around "normal" people anymore. - we no longer have anything in common and when they talk about the insignificant problems in their life I want to smack them...

Perhaps, if your friends are causing you stress, you might need to seek out "right tribe" friends. My doc talks about these too.

"Right tribe" friends are like-minded people who share our values, our beliefs and experiences. They help us to find connection.

Some of my right tribe friends include:
- my Circle of Hope group (where I volunteer),
- my writing group,
- a group of 3-4 friends that I invite over to watch a video once in awhile,
- my small group (6 women who meet regularly to share about our lives and pray together)
- etc

Figure out how to build "right tribe" friendships into your life.

[Daisycat]

I work out and don't smoke or drink but no going out to restaurants with friends, talking to people or joking around?

I can’t eat restaurant food so I’d be miserable drinking my water. As for joking around and talking to people , I have nothing in common with them anymore and don’t have the energy to pretend to care about the insignificant fight someone had about doing the dishes.

[Daisycat]

Mamabug

my friends were my tribe before this. Now I’m different and we share nothing in common. Hanging out with people who can plan for a future and who can go out and be carefree depresses me.

The few times I have hung out with friends I just get more depressed because I’m reminded of everything I’ve lost and get angry about how unfair it is and then decide to get a new tattoo or lower my target weight again.

[Mamabug]

Mamabug
my friends were my tribe before this. Now I’m different and we share nothing in common. Hanging out with people who can plan for a future and who can go out and be carefree depresses me.

You need to take care of yourself, Daisycat. If you are too depressed to hang out with friends, then ... you are too depressed.

If you are too depressed, seek therapy.

I will repeat ...
- If you quit going out with friends and doing things you enjoy, that's going backwards.
- Managing stress (and depression) is just as important as taking your medicine, eating a healthy diet, and exercising. (And quitting smoking.)

Your negative energy can negatively impact your health, including your MS. The stress you create and refuse to deal with could trigger an MS flare. A trip to a restaurant with friends is a resiliency strategy that can help you to cope with stress in a positive way.

If you are too depressed to enjoy your friends ... , then you are too depressed.

Seek help.

[Daisycat]

Mama bug

Of course I’m depressed. I lost everything I had been working so hard for with no warning.

Hanging out with friends depresses me since it reminds me of that girl that died on September 21 2017. I’ll never be that person again and it takes to much energy to try.

Id feel safer eating my nasty diet food than I would going out with friends and wasting money on food I can’t really eat anyway.

It doesnt help that there’s absolutely nothing we can talk about anymore. It sucks but it is what it is.

Ive always been a loner so it’s not that much different but still sucks that the few people I used to be close to can’t be a part of my life because I can’t explain my diet or why I don’t drink anymore

[Mamabug]

You lost everything?!

Hmmm. Let me tell you about my first flare.

I was age 39. I called 911 in the middle of the night because I couldn't move my left side. The ambulance took me to the hospital -- by myself, at first. Hubby needed to wait a half hour for his parents to arrive to take care of our kids.

They kept me for 3 days -- thought I'd had a stroke. I was off work for two or three months. Had to do PT to learn how to walk.

Went back to work for a couple of weeks. Had flare #2. Manic and psychotic symptoms, followed by extreme fatigue. Slept 16-20 hours per day.

Was now undiagnosed / in limbo. Off work for four or five more months. By this time, I'd used all my FMLA time and lost my job.

Etc, etc.

Girl -- you lost everything?! You're the girl that died? Get a grip. If you are looking for sympathy, you came to the wrong person.

Yes; you're depressed. Get some help. Your stress is risking you triggering another flare. Learn how to cope. Move on.

[Jules A]

Mamabug
my friends were my tribe before this. Now I’m different and we share nothing in common. Hanging out with people who can plan for a future and who can go out and be carefree depresses me.

The few times I have hung out with friends I just get more depressed because I’m reminded of everything I’ve lost and get angry about how unfair it is and then decide to get a new tattoo or lower my target weight again.

This is very self centered and concrete. Do you really resent people including your friends and family for being spared this curse? I wouldn't wish this on an enemy and trust me there are worse things. I have cared for people with ALS and Huntingtons, young people with cancer, middle aged people who have had life altering strokes and many with traumatic brain injuries who are left with enough cognition to know their life has been stolen from them. Do I feel sorry for my self? Heck yeah but I know my pain isn't more significant than anyone else's and I actually feel blessed as compared to some I know.

Part of being in a tribe includes celebrating the positives and being there for support during the rough times. Our MS isn't diddly right now compared to some of the things my friends and family have been through. At the time I was diagnosed with MS a friend in her 30s was diagnosed with breast CA at the same time she found out she was pregnant and it had already invaded her bones. She lost the baby and slowly, painfully died from cancer within two years. I'm still working, attending concerts, conferences, traveling and very importantly to me walking. Definitely more blessings at this point in time.

[Daisycat]

Mama bug

I did lose everything I had going in my life. Everything I had worked for was over.

im sure my friend with stage 4 breast cancer would tell everyone here to get a grip. Just because one persons lose isn’t as “bad” as another’s doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Jules

i resent the fact that they have a future. I’m terrified to make plans to far in advance because of this and can never go out of town since if I have an issue I’m screwed.

I’m glad my old friends have great lives. It doesn’t make it hurt less that mine is not great

[pennstater]

Mama bug

I did lose everything I had going in my life. Everything I had worked for was over.

im sure my friend with stage 4 breast cancer would tell everyone here to get a grip. Just because one persons lose isn’t as “bad” as another’s doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Jules

i resent the fact that they have a future. I’m terrified to make plans to far in advance because of this and can never go out of town since if I have an issue I’m screwed.

I’m glad my old friends have great lives. It doesn’t make it hurt less that mine is not great

You haven't lost everything. You are mentally quitting - giving up everything. I am sure your friend would tell you to live and enjoy life - because you have one. Her future may have been taken away from her. Your future has been taken away by you and nothing else. Your fear is emotionally paralyzing you.

As for travel, I have traveled in the US, and have also been to Europe 3 times since diagnosis. We are going in the spring again to visit my college roommate who lives in Scotland. Two of the trips, still on an injectable, so my needles traveled with me.

Our life is partially controlled by the choices we make. You didn't choose MS - none of us did. But you are choosing how you respond to it. This more than anything will control how you live and enjoy your life.

You pick and choose what you want to respond to. You ignore all the wise advice without even serious consideration that people spend time providing and if you respond, it is the same theme, over and over.

I can't imagine if you had a relapse like mamabug, Seesha, ant, or others on this board have had. I thankfully haven't, but hope I would have their tenacity to fight. To equate my battle to theirs is delusional. I listen to these people, building a skillset that I hope will serve me well later should I need it.

No one gets thru life without some level of adversity - we just may not know their battles - just like your friends don't know yours. But how we respond to adversity is crucial. So all those people who you think have perfect lives - they may not. But they respond by living life.

If you want your life back, then take your life back. If you don't want it back, then don't take it back. But don't keep playing the victim here regarding your perceived losses.

Checking out of this thread too.

[Mamabug]

im sure my friend with stage 4 breast cancer would tell everyone here to get a grip.

My point, exactly. Quit licking your wounds; others have it worse.

Jules

i resent the fact that they have a future. I’m terrified to make plans to far in advance because of this and can never go out of town since if I have an issue I’m screwed.

I’m glad my old friends have great lives. It doesn’t make it hurt less that mine is not great

On another thread, someone suggested, Daisycat, that this thought is selfish. I'll second that.

I have friends who are healthy. I have a friend on her third bout with cancer and in the midst of chemo, again.

My 83 y.o. Dad is healthy. My siblings both struggle with type one diabetes. I wish good health for all of them. I certainly don't resent my Dad, or my healthy friends, or wish ill health on them.

If I had a friend who resented me for having good health, I'd wonder if they were a true friend. With friends like that, who needs enemies.
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Yeah; life is hard. It's hard for us too. So we seek support from each other. And we go to therapy when we need it. We learn appropriate coping skills, we learn to be resilient and bounce back. We try to choose acceptance, courage and wisdom.

We cycle back, once in awhile, through our grief related to our losses. But we don't wallow there. We take more steps forward than backwards. And, even though we wish life was different, there are still many days when we enjoy life.