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    #16
    A little more about guilt. We had accumulated so much equipment, medicine, dressings, compression socks, finally a hospital bed. This stuff was everywhere. Some of it was never used and the bed was here for one night. One day Sam said to me "I'll bet you'll be glad to get your house back". He was right. By that time I just wanted him to go on and I wanted all the medical stuff to go so I could clean up again. Maybe by that time he kind of knew he was almost finished.

    We started cleaning out his room right away. Gave his clothes away ( he was not a clothing person ). Donated his books and movies. I bought new bedding for his room that no one will probably ever use. Shortly after the wake I had our bathroom remodeled to fix a bathtub leak. Then I had my son put in a new kitchen faucet. I just launched into fixing little things that Sam and I had talked about and planned to do. His room is kind of like a shrine now. Just his picture, his flag, his military hats. The dressers and closet are empty. Do you know how selfish this makes me feel? I did want him to pass... because he wanted to... because I wanted his suffering to end and because... I'm OCD and wanted a clean, neat house again. I wanted to be able to lower the volume on the tv. I wanted to be able to turn off the lights at night. (We kept them on so he could see his way to the bathroom at night). I wanted to be able to slow myself down.

    Most of all I want to know what was in his mind as he passed. Did he know I loved him and that we would all miss him? I whispered that in his ear the last night and that morning just before he passed. I kept telling him it was okay for him to go. I just want him to know he was cared for and loved. I'm having a very hard time believing in any afterlife. I don't believe that our loved ones are looking down on us. That would make heaven an unhappy place if they could see us suffering or making mistakes. How would that be heaven for them?

    I'm so sorry for unloading on you all. But it feels so good to be able to put my words down. I'm bawling the whole time, but I guess it's therapeutic to a point. Thanks so much for allowing me to use MSWorld for something non MS.
    Marti




    The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

    Comment


      #17
      Originally posted by marti View Post
      A little more about guilt. We had accumulated so much equipment, medicine, dressings, compression socks, finally a hospital bed. This stuff was everywhere. Some of it was never used and the bed was here for one night. One day Sam said to me "I'll bet you'll be glad to get your house back". He was right. By that time I just wanted him to go on and I wanted all the medical stuff to go so I could clean up again. Maybe by that time he kind of knew he was almost finished.

      We started cleaning out his room right away. Gave his clothes away ( he was not a clothing person ). Donated his books and movies. I bought new bedding for his room that no one will probably ever use. Shortly after the wake I had our bathroom remodeled to fix a bathtub leak. Then I had my son put in a new kitchen faucet. I just launched into fixing little things that Sam and I had talked about and planned to do. His room is kind of like a shrine now. Just his picture, his flag, his military hats. The dressers and closet are empty. Do you know how selfish this makes me feel? I did want him to pass... because he wanted to... because I wanted his suffering to end and because... I'm OCD and wanted a clean, neat house again. I wanted to be able to lower the volume on the tv. I wanted to be able to turn off the lights at night. (We kept them on so he could see his way to the bathroom at night). I wanted to be able to slow myself down.

      Most of all I want to know what was in his mind as he passed. Did he know I loved him and that we would all miss him? I whispered that in his ear the last night and that morning just before he passed. I kept telling him it was okay for him to go. I just want him to know he was cared for and loved. I'm having a very hard time believing in any afterlife. I don't believe that our loved ones are looking down on us. That would make heaven an unhappy place if they could see us suffering or making mistakes. How would that be heaven for them?

      I'm so sorry for unloading on you all. But it feels so good to be able to put my words down. I'm bawling the whole time, but I guess it's therapeutic to a point. Thanks so much for allowing me to use MSWorld for something non MS.


      I should mention that Sam's ashes are still in his room with some flowers and a vase full of American flags. His personal items are in a box in his closet. So I guess I still have the most important parts of him for now. Our son is going to take him "hunting" one last time in November and scatter him on his favorite hunting mountain. That was something they had talked about doing. We've done everything the way he wanted, except for the 5 days in a nursing home for Respite (which didn't help anyone).
      Marti




      The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

      Comment


        #18
        Originally posted by marti View Post
        A little more about guilt. We had accumulated so much equipment, medicine, dressings, compression socks, finally a hospital bed. This stuff was everywhere. Some of it was never used and the bed was here for one night. One day Sam said to me "I'll bet you'll be glad to get your house back". He was right. By that time I just wanted him to go on and I wanted all the medical stuff to go so I could clean up again. Maybe by that time he kind of knew he was almost finished.

        We started cleaning out his room right away. Gave his clothes away ( he was not a clothing person ). Donated his books and movies. I bought new bedding for his room that no one will probably ever use. Shortly after the wake I had our bathroom remodeled to fix a bathtub leak. Then I had my son put in a new kitchen faucet. I just launched into fixing little things that Sam and I had talked about and planned to do. His room is kind of like a shrine now. Just his picture, his flag, his military hats. The dressers and closet are empty. Do you know how selfish this makes me feel? I did want him to pass... because he wanted to... because I wanted his suffering to end and because... I'm OCD and wanted a clean, neat house again. I wanted to be able to lower the volume on the tv. I wanted to be able to turn off the lights at night. (We kept them on so he could see his way to the bathroom at night). I wanted to be able to slow myself down.

        Most of all I want to know what was in his mind as he passed. Did he know I loved him and that we would all miss him? I whispered that in his ear the last night and that morning just before he passed. I kept telling him it was okay for him to go. I just want him to know he was cared for and loved. I'm having a very hard time believing in any afterlife. I don't believe that our loved ones are looking down on us. That would make heaven an unhappy place if they could see us suffering or making mistakes. How would that be heaven for them?

        I'm so sorry for unloading on you all. But it feels so good to be able to put my words down. I'm bawling the whole time, but I guess it's therapeutic to a point. Thanks so much for allowing me to use MSWorld for something non MS.
        (((Marti))) Do not feel guilt about this!!! Before I had MS I would work multiple jobs, one of which was an under-the-table 3rd shift CNA. More often then not, with the couples I cared for, the gentleman of the marriage was the one who was most in need of my help, and the one to pass away first.

        When they passed, every widow did some sort of home improvement project and got rid of pretty much everything pertaining to their husbands. Their grief stage was in process years before the actual deaths. The first things to go were usually the out of style old man clothes that hadn't been worn in forever (my stepmother couldn't get rid of my Dad's clothes fast enough, and it's not like any of his kids wanted them!).

        My husband's junky workbench in the basement, his electronics, his "spare" parts to God know what? If he goes before me, they will be gone fast. Plus the strings of outdoor Chrismas lights taking up the whole attic...I won't be putting them up (maybe a single wreath on the door at best, outdoor lighting was always his thing).

        To the same point, I would never expect him, or my daughter, to be beholden to my personal junk (btw, as I get older I am longer acquiring, just purging...trying to spare my loved ones from having to make such emotional decisions about what to let go of). I did buy decent jewelry during my career years, but honestly, even the good stuff looks just like the costume jewelry. If I had to do it again I would buy fake everything! I want to tell my daughter what she should hang on to...what is the "good" stuff, but she thinks it's morbid still...

        Other than the money, the jewelry and the silver, I would say toss it. Even the ten million scrapbooks and photo albums from three generations from both my husband's family and mind just take up space (plus our high school yearbooks...omg...yup, still here). How long do you hang on to those musty things anyway? My daughter can go through them, keep a few pics, and toss. Stuff is just stuff, Marti.
        Tawanda
        ___________________________________________
        Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2004; First sign of trouble: 1994

        Comment


          #19
          Originally posted by marti View Post
          Right now I'm feeling guilt. Sam was nearly deaf, but I believe he heard me complain to the kids about how hard it was to take care of him. Maybe he thought I didn't want to care for him. There were times I didn't believe he was that helpless... that he could do things for himself, but just wouldn't. But I know his mind was confused and certain little functions were lost to him. I was so worn out with running to do those little things, like turning on the tv and playing a dvd for him. I couldn't understand why he couldn't remember how to do those things for himself. Sometimes I thought he was just being lazy. Now I feel guilty because I know he was sicker than I realized. It's so hard to get into the mind of someone who is failing.

          I'm so sorry guys. I am so torn up. It's so much easier to talk to "strangers" sometimes and I love you for being there to listen. I appreciate any first hand experience stories you have. How did you all get through this????
          Ah Marti, feeling quilt is nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of the process. I felt a lot of guilt when my kid's dad passed. I'm not going into it now, but it was front row and center at first. Very gradually it subsided as I talked to others about some of the problems we had (like all relationships). I had to get it out before I could move on.

          Once I got through the guilt process, I then could concentrate on all the good aspects, the funny moments, the loving moments, everything that was wonderful about our marriage. You will get there too!

          You are going to feel at lot of conflicting emotions right now and that's OK. It's kind of like going thru the grief process of having MS. It;s all good and important as long as we allow these feelings to come out and not get stuck. And it's good to cry rivers. All the darkness comes out to create space for light to come in. But, it takes time.

          Please be patient with yourself and try to eat, even if it's snacking throughout the day. You want to be there for your sons now and for yourself. That's what got me through ultimately - being present for my children and realizing I needed to take care of myself!

          Sending love your way
          We are here for you.
          1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
          Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

          Comment


            #20
            Originally posted by Tawanda View Post
            (((Marti))) Do not feel guilt about this!!! Before I had MS I would work multiple jobs, one of which was an under-the-table 3rd shift CNA. More often then not, with the couples I cared for, the gentleman of the marriage was the one who was most in need of my help, and the one to pass away first.

            When they passed, every widow did some sort of home improvement project and got rid of pretty much everything pertaining to their husbands. Their grief stage was in process years before the actual deaths. The first things to go were usually the out of style old man clothes that hadn't been worn in forever (my stepmother couldn't get rid of my Dad's clothes fast enough, and it's not like any of his kids wanted them!).

            My husband's junky workbench in the basement, his electronics, his "spare" parts to God know what? If he goes before me, they will be gone fast. Plus the strings of outdoor Chrismas lights taking up the whole attic...I won't be putting them up (maybe a single wreath on the door at best, outdoor lighting was always his thing).

            To the same point, I would never expect him, or my daughter, to be beholden to my personal junk (btw, as I get older I am longer acquiring, just purging...trying to spare my loved ones from having to make such emotional decisions about what to let go of). I did buy decent jewelry during my career years, but honestly, even the good stuff looks just like the costume jewelry. If I had to do it again I would buy fake everything! I want to tell my daughter what she should hang on to...what is the "good" stuff, but she thinks it's morbid still...

            Other than the money, the jewelry and the silver, I would say toss it. Even the ten million scrapbooks and photo albums from three generations from both my husband's family and mind just take up space (plus our high school yearbooks...omg...yup, still here). How long do you hang on to those musty things anyway? My daughter can go through them, keep a few pics, and toss. Stuff is just stuff, Marti.

            Tawanda you are a sanity saver!! We did pretty much everything you mentioned. The kids will go thru the shed and divide up the tools. I've been giving away my own extra things for a few years already. When I retired I gave away most of my clothes. Just kept the very most casual stuff. I never go anywhere so I don't need anything much. I've been piece by piece giving things to the kids that I think they would like... even if they want to sell them. They will probably want to keep all the pictures and scrapbooks... memorabilia. They have already shared their Dad's favorite Navy keepsakes... medals, things he brought home from Vietnam, Japan, Hawaii etc. But all the other stuff is gone.

            Like I said, I've been systematically donating or pitching my own things that I just don't want to dust anymore. I love you for your post!! What a relief to meet someone who knows and understands. That process is a kind of purging. Now I say, less is better. Much easier to keep the place in order (somewhat). Thank you, thank you, thank you. Trying to keep just the good memories, but that's the hardest part of grieving. You remember everything... at least for now.
            Marti




            The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

            Comment


              #21
              Originally posted by Seasha View Post
              Ah Marti, feeling quilt is nothing to be ashamed of. It is part of the process. I felt a lot of guilt when my kid's dad passed. I'm not going into it now, but it was front row and center at first. Very gradually it subsided as I talked to others about some of the problems we had (like all relationships). I had to get it out before I could move on.

              Once I got through the guilt process, I then could concentrate on all the good aspects, the funny moments, the loving moments, everything that was wonderful about our marriage. You will get there too!

              You are going to feel at lot of conflicting emotions right now and that's OK. It's kind of like going thru the grief process of having MS. It;s all good and important as long as we allow these feelings to come out and not get stuck. And it's good to cry rivers. All the darkness comes out to create space for light to come in. But, it takes time.

              Please be patient with yourself and try to eat, even if it's snacking throughout the day. You want to be there for your sons now and for yourself. That's what got me through ultimately - being present for my children and realizing I needed to take care of myself!

              Sending love your way
              We are here for you.

              Seasha thank you so much again and again. I know it had to be very hard for you and the kids. Mine are grown and have been a big help to me. I can't stand that I was impatient with Sam. I even made him cry once, then I cried. I can't remember what it was all about and that's what bothers me most. I can't remember every little detail and I really thought I would. I WANT to remember every breath he took. This has been a bad day for me. Crying most of the day and it's making my dizziness worse and worse. Almost to the point of fainting. Some days go by easily. So I know it will pass and get better. I never expected it to be so hard. I've had the BEST messages here lately. I hope to move on and stop clogging up the board with this. Get back to the business of talking about MS. We've all been thru so much here. Love you friend.
              Marti




              The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

              Comment


                #22
                Marti, I have not yet walked this path that you are on, but I just wanted you to know that I care. You always have so many good thoughts to share with others, even during your own tough times and trials. You are a friend to many on the board and I am glad that you feel you are always welcome to share, with both joys and griefs. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....I know you will find peace for yourself over time. Sam was very blessed to have YOU in his life!!
                Warmly, MGM

                Comment


                  #23
                  Originally posted by MyGirlsMom View Post
                  Marti, I have not yet walked this path that you are on, but I just wanted you to know that I care. You always have so many good thoughts to share with others, even during your own tough times and trials. You are a friend to many on the board and I am glad that you feel you are always welcome to share, with both joys and griefs. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....I know you will find peace for yourself over time. Sam was very blessed to have YOU in his life!!
                  Warmly, MGM

                  Thank you so much. I've been trying to respond to every message. Hope I haven't left anyone out. But I don't want to drag this out. I hope I am finished with my grieving posts. Have gotten so much help here. Moving on is my goal.
                  Marti




                  The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

                  Comment


                    #24
                    Originally posted by marti View Post
                    Thank you so much. I've been trying to respond to every message. Hope I haven't left anyone out. But I don't want to drag this out. I hope I am finished with my grieving posts. Have gotten so much help here. Moving on is my goal.
                    Marti, it is really OK if you have more grieving posts! Life can be hard at times and that is why you have friends here on MS World. 🌹

                    Comment


                      #25
                      Originally posted by MyGirlsMom View Post
                      Marti, it is really OK if you have more grieving posts! Life can be hard at times and that is why you have friends here on MS World. 🌹

                      Thank you again.
                      Marti




                      The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

                      Comment


                        #26
                        Originally posted by MyGirlsMom View Post
                        Marti, it is really OK if you have more grieving posts! Life can be hard at times and that is why you have friends here on MS World. 🌹
                        I totally agree. Grief is not a linear path by any means.
                        Tawanda
                        ___________________________________________
                        Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2004; First sign of trouble: 1994

                        Comment

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