To those who have lost loved ones..

[marti]

I feel the need to reach out to those of you who lost a loved one.

If anyone would be able to "listen" to me let me know.

Thank you again.

[Tawanda]

The second wave

Yes indeed. There are so many loved ones I have lost. I feel like you have reached that second point of grief. Immediately after my brother died, there were family, friends, cards, flowers, casseroles, etc...lots of activity and support. It wasn't until a couple of months later when everything settled down and things got back to "normal", that I truly feltvmy personal loss. Everyone had gotten on with their lives, jobs and families, but I was alone-still single. "Round 2" was almost harder than the formal, ceremonial parts. The wake/funeral was "surreal". The second wave was just plain old "real"...and painful.

I am wondering if that might be where you are at with your grief for Sam tonight. ❤️ Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace from my humble abode in Connecticut. Sam's struggle is over, while yours is only beginning. Being the surviving spouse of a loving marriage is the worse of the two if you ask me, but from all that you have told us about your beloved, he would want you to remember him fondly, but to be happy as you move forward with your life.

[Seasha]

How are you doing, Marti? Are you managing well enough?

You thread glared out at me because today is the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing. I shed some tears today, but I'm OK and so grateful that I got to be the daughter of this amazing woman. She was my main support system, next to my husband. She lived to be a couple months shy of 95.

I lost my previous husband years ago to metastasized melanoma cancer when my kids were 8, 10 and 21. It was hard. Really hard at the time taking care of 2 young ones alone in Alaska. Life goes on even tho I couldn't imagine at the time. I'm now happily married again with lots of grandchildren.

I've thought of you and I'd love to hear how you're coping with Sam gone. Has his passing affected your life living alone? I've been there and hope you're doing OK.

[pennstater]

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Once everything returns to "normal" routines for family and friends, it is the hardest.

[Temagami]

There´s a woman named Donna Marie Todd who has created a retreat called A Widow´s Tale and if you google her, she has info on attending a retreat or hosting one in your area.

[marti]

I will probably have to do this in several threads. Every time I start I end up with tears running down my face. Guess my life is still in "threads".

Right now I'm feeling guilt. Sam was nearly deaf, but I believe he heard me complain to the kids about how hard it was to take care of him. Maybe he thought I didn't want to care for him. There were times I didn't believe he was that helpless... that he could do things for himself, but just wouldn't. But I know his mind was confused and certain little functions were lost to him. I was so worn out with running to do those little things, like turning on the tv and playing a dvd for him. I couldn't understand why he couldn't remember how to do those things for himself. Sometimes I thought he was just being lazy. Now I feel guilty because I know he was sicker than I realized. It's so hard to get into the mind of someone who is failing.

I keep wondering if he knew he was not going to get better. He seemed to think he would beat the whole mess. He believed he would get off the oxygen and get well. I could see as the days went by that nothing was going to get better. He said some things that I didn't understand and still don't and I can't get some of those words out of my head. Then, he got to the point of babbling and no one understood what he was trying to say. I keep wanting to know if he had any thoughts the last 2 days of his life. He seemed peaceful... the drugs no doubt helped.

I'm so sorry guys. I am so torn up. It's so much easier to talk to "strangers" sometimes and I love you for being there to listen. I appreciate any first hand experience stories you have. How did you all get through this????

[pennstater]

Marti,

Being a caregiver is difficult for a healthy person, let alone having health issues yourself. I am sure Sam knew how much you cared and loved him, as you showed it day in and out. It is not the spectacular gestures, but the day to day routines that exemplify it. I think it is normal, that in loss, we also feel guilty, wondering if we did enough.

I haven't lost a spouse, so I won't pretend to know that pain. By any chance, does the hospice agency or local hospital offer any grief counseling and support groups? I know when both my parents passed on hospice, it was offered. And they had a separate group for loss of spouse. We are always here for you too, but it may help to share with others experiencing the same.

Thinking of you.

[Boudreaux]

Im sure the guilt is something alot of people live with after a loved one passes. I dont spend nearly enough time with some of my family members and if one of them were to pass I'm sure it would haunt me for the rest of my time. Look, we all have moments of weakness where we put ourselves first and get aggervated with others but in the end we all pass on. I make mistakes in my personal relationships everyday and not unlike you, the hardest part is forgiving myself. Best wishes.

[KoKo]

Hi marti

You are more than welcome to share your experiences, feelings and grief with us. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to share as well.

. How did you all get through this????

When my Mom started to show signs of dementia at 60 years of age (later confirmed as early onset Alzheimer's), I moved in with her.

I worked for the US Postal Service at the time, and was diagnosed with PPMS a few years later.

The gradual decline that my Mom went through was truly heartbreaking to watch. She passed away after about 7 years.

Working full time (and lots of overtime as well) is how I got through.

The thing about grief is that it would show up seemingly out of the blue at times.

I can remember that while driving home from work, the reality and the grief would hit me and cause me to cry.

While grocery shopping, I would pass by foods and other items that I would purchase for my Mom, and again the tears welled up.

So many little reminders would bring on the grief!

Working as much as I did kept my mind occupied for the most part, as well as focusing on my own MS stuff.

I honestly don't know how I would have dealt with the pain and grief, as you are doing marti, alone at home, and without the "outlet" that I had of having my mind focused on work for most of the time.

The intense grief does ease up some over time, but the heart never really forgets.

Wishing you peace, marti.

Take Care

[marti]

Hi marti

You are more than welcome to share your experiences, feelings and grief with us. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to share as well.



When my Mom started to show signs of dementia at 60 years of age (later confirmed as early onset Alzheimer's), I moved in with her.

I worked for the US Postal Service at the time, and was diagnosed with PPMS a few years later.

The gradual decline that my Mom went through was truly heartbreaking to watch. She passed away after about 7 years.

Working full time (and lots of overtime as well) is how I got through.

The thing about grief is that it would show up seemingly out of the blue at times.

I can remember that while driving home from work, the reality and the grief would hit me and cause me to cry.

While grocery shopping, I would pass by foods and other items that I would purchase for my Mom, and again the tears welled up.

So many little reminders would bring on the grief!

Working as much as I did kept my mind occupied for the most part, as well as focusing on my own MS stuff.

I honestly don't know how I would have dealt with the pain and grief, as you are doing marti, alone at home, and without the "outlet" that I had of having my mind focused on work for most of the time.

The intense grief does ease up some over time, but the heart never really forgets.

Wishing you peace, marti.

Take Care

You know I feel your pain. And the grocery shopping!!! OMG..... I had bought him special foods without salt, low sugar etc etc hoping it would help to feed him better. And he would always put things in his riding shopping cart that we did not need, or had on the shelf at home. This went on and on all the time. When he passed I threw away all that food!! And yes, I still see him reaching for those items. My shopping cart is so much less full now. I haven't really figured out how to cook a meal for myself. Good for you... working with PPMS. I didn't think too many people with Primary could do that. Thanks so much.

[marti]

Yes indeed. There are so many loved ones I have lost. I feel like you have reached that second point of grief. Immediately after my brother died, there were family, friends, cards, flowers, casseroles, etc...lots of activity and support. It wasn't until a couple of months later when everything settled down and things got back to "normal", that I truly feltvmy personal loss. Everyone had gotten on with their lives, jobs and families, but I was alone-still single. "Round 2" was almost harder than the formal, ceremonial parts. The wake/funeral was "surreal". The second wave was just plain old "real"...and painful.

I am wondering if that might be where you are at with your grief for Sam tonight. ❤️ Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace from my humble abode in Connecticut. Sam's struggle is over, while yours is only beginning. Being the surviving spouse of a loving marriage is the worse of the two if you ask me, but from all that you have told us about your beloved, he would want you to remember him fondly, but to be happy as you move forward with your life.

"Round two".... exactly. Thank for your lovely words. Right now there is no healing. Too raw at this time.

[marti]

How are you doing, Marti? Are you managing well enough?

You thread glared out at me because today is the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing. I shed some tears today, but I'm OK and so grateful that I got to be the daughter of this amazing woman. She was my main support system, next to my husband. She lived to be a couple months shy of 95.

I lost my previous husband years ago to metastasized melanoma cancer when my kids were 8, 10 and 21. It was hard. Really hard at the time taking care of 2 young ones alone in Alaska. Life goes on even tho I couldn't imagine at the time. I'm now happily married again with lots of grandchildren.

I've thought of you and I'd love to hear how you're coping with Sam gone. Has his passing affected your life living alone? I've been there and hope you're doing OK.

I've thought of you so many times over these couple months. Not sure how you pulled through it all. My living alone is okay. I'm somewhat of a hermit anyway and always enjoyed my alone time... there was not much of that these last few years. Some days are good. Then, out of the blue, something will come to mind or someone will greet me in the grocery store and it all floods back. I really hate to cry in public!!

[marti]

Marti,

Being a caregiver is difficult for a healthy person, let alone having health issues yourself. I am sure Sam knew how much you cared and loved him, as you showed it day in and out. It is not the spectacular gestures, but the day to day routines that exemplify it. I think it is normal, that in loss, we also feel guilty, wondering if we did enough.

I haven't lost a spouse, so I won't pretend to know that pain. By any chance, does the hospice agency or local hospital offer any grief counseling and support groups? I know when both my parents passed on hospice, it was offered. And they had a separate group for loss of spouse. We are always here for you too, but it may help to share with others experiencing the same.

Thinking of you.

Kathy you are so right about wondering if I did enough. I doubt myself all the time... thinking I should not have called Hospice. But I could not take care of him by myself anymore. The kids tried to help but they were as helpless as I was. Always wondering if I was doing things right. Constantly calling 911 to come pick him up off the floor. The Hospice people did offer grief counseling, but I didn't want to have any more people coming and going and I can't drive very far to go to meetings. I am better off alone. Thanks again.

[marti]

Im sure the guilt is something alot of people live with after a loved one passes. I dont spend nearly enough time with some of my family members and if one of them were to pass I'm sure it would haunt me for the rest of my time. Look, we all have moments of weakness where we put ourselves first and get aggervated with others but in the end we all pass on. I make mistakes in my personal relationships everyday and not unlike you, the hardest part is forgiving myself. Best wishes.

Thank you Boudreaux. I know you have tried to help me through these threads before. You're probably right about people feeling guilty when someone dies. So many questions and doubts in my mind.

[KoKo]

Good for you... working with PPMS. I didn't think too many people with Primary could do that. Thanks so much.

marti

Thank you. I was able to work for 5 more years after dx.

I haven't really figured out how to cook a meal for myself.

Hopefully in time your appetite will improve, and you will find ways to prepare meals for yourself (or find other options if needed).


Take Care