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    hi

    Just wanted to say "hi" to everyone here since I don't talk to anyone from my life from before. I am in my mid 30s and found out about my curse almost a year ago. I am still probably in the denial and anger stages of my grief... (with some depression thrown in there).

    But I am currently working at a job I love. I am the lead surgical tech/trainer at a veterinary clinic. It was always my dream to do this and eventually work at a referral surgical center but this curse has ruined that dream along with so many other dreams. The only thing that makes it acceptable is I do love my job and make good money and know my Coworkers/Doctors would support me if I told them BUT I wouldn't want them to have to constantly worry about me making a mistake. I promise I will be the first one to say I need to file for disability when my mental function puts a patient at risk.

    My other dream was to retire and open a doggy rescue for homeless dogs... but by the time I am old enough to do that I will be lucky if I can take care of myself. Not seeing caring for 20 + dogs as something in my future.

    So there is my sad story about how this curse has taken away my two life long dreams. One I was one year away from applying to sit to become a board certified veterinary surgical technician, but life had other plans. So now my biggest goal is to get through the day without crying

    #2
    Are you still able to do your dream job? Do you have residual symptoms that make it difficult? Or is it the fear of an unknown future with MS that makes you worry that you may not be able to do it one day? That one day could be tomorrow, but it could be 20 years from now, or never.

    We all have been there, with fear. And things happen that make the fear come back. But you can't live your life in a perpetual state of fear forever. I mentioned in another thread that you really should talk to a therapist to help you get thru your diagnosis and give you some tools to help you adjust.

    From your other post, you mentioned you were on Copaxone, but haven't looked at efficacy. Has the Copaxone been working, have you had another relapse?

    There are drugs that are more effective, but you have to move past your denial and fear to research. Another reason I think a therapist would help. You may still decide Copaxone is right for you, but you need to make an informed decision. I was worried in your other post where you said you couldn't look at the comparisons.

    With MS, you need to be as proactive as you can. It is a tough balance to stay educated without overwhelming ourselves. It is lots harder when newly diagnosed. We all remember the fear and anxiety. Do something for yourself and find a way to help move you thru the stages of grief and help you accept and adjust to life with MS. It is ever evolving.
    Kathy
    DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

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      #3
      I am still able to do my job that I love BUT it is not my “dream” job. My dream was to become a specialized surgical technician and work at a referral center. I do not have any residual symptoms besides extreme depression and anxiety, but I know I would never forgive myself if I had a patient die while under my care because of this curse.
      The Copaxane has worked for me and have not had any relapses. Posting on these boards is the most I have talked about/thought about this curse since I was diagnosed. I usually spend at least 10 minutes crying after I call in a refill of my medication or have to use it. I really want to just NOT think about it.
      My problem with other medications is the side effects. Some say hair loss is a major side effect and I can’t have something like that. Not for vanity purposes but for not wanting anyone to know about this. I am truly ashamed and blame myself for this.

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        #4
        Hi Daisycat,
        I started off like you with denial and anger. It is really easy to allow the anger towards this disease to feel like it has robbed you of your dreams. It helped me to choke off the power I was allowing MS over me when it was pointed out to me that I was in control of how much power I gave to this disease.

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          #5
          Oh Daisy - please do not blame yourself. You did nothing that caused MS. I once thought it was a payback for breaking up with a wonderful guy a long time ago, someone who moved his mother and little brother out of a rough neighborhood once he graduated college - his mother had progressive MS. I now know that is totally ridiculous, but in initial years, I was positive it was a payback.

          Please, whatever you do, do not blame yourself. None of us caused our MS.

          A little hope for you. If you fully recovered physically and you have not had a relapse, that is a good sign. The longer between relapses, it is usually a more favorable disease course.

          As for side effects, even if your hair thinned, you still don't have to disclose. Many conditions can cause it, thyroid, hormones, etc...It is your choice what you disclose.
          Kathy
          DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

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            #6
            Thank you for telling me not to blame myself. I am close to cutting my mom out of my life because she makes this crap 1000 times worse. Today was her saying she read this is caused by people eating poorly - which I did when I was A kid but who didn’t.

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              #7
              Hey Daisycat and welcome.

              No, MS is not your fault. I think down that road you'll only hit (or stay at) bargaining. It can be ugly, but don't fear depression... from there, don't give in to anger. From there... well, I'll just say that the steps get easier.

              Anyway, stop by the chat sometime. Anyone there would be able to talk to you about the process.

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                #8
                Originally posted by headrift View Post
                Hey Daisycat and welcome.

                No, MS is not your fault. I think down that road you'll only hit (or stay at) bargaining. It can be ugly, but don't fear depression... from there, don't give in to anger. From there... well, I'll just say that the steps get easier.

                Anyway, stop by the chat sometime. Anyone there would be able to talk to you about the process.
                . I sure hope things get easier because now anytime I start to care about something I feel so stupid and pathetic since I don’t feel like I deserve anything anymore. I am humiliated and ashamed about this curse

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                  #9
                  I personally hate the word "deserve". I believe some things can be "earned", but MS is not one of them. "Pathetic" is similar... you don't get to call yourself that, and anyone telling you are has problems of their own.

                  As far as ashamed... I can feel you there. I'm shamed by my own cog fog... I used to be able to config a webserver at 40 paces on a rainy day. Just now, my buddy did it for me. Not totally, just let me pause for a day to let my brain catch back up to me. He wasn't down on me or anything, and was really cool and understanding about it. He's a good friend and has been for decades now.

                  And... you can be like that to yourself. I'm taking the rest of the night off and going back to ssl configuration options tomorrow. I'll deal with it then.

                  'Course, you might not have cog fog or anything like that. If you don't, count yourself lucky. If you can still walk without a wheelchair or a cane, count yourself lucky. Things can always get worse. In your case, hang on to what good you can find, and don't stress the small stuff if you don't have it anymore. You are lucky in the long run.

                  Because really, you (and we) might be "cursed" now, but it's easier to deal with if you just rack it up to bad luck and roll on with it.

                  Anyway, sorry. It can be rough, but keep your chin up and all those "cheesy" bits of wisdom you don't want to think about right now. Let it go and I can promise you that while things might not get 100% better, they can weigh on you less.

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                    #10
                    I have no one at work I can go to about this. I’m worried they would do their best to get me to quit without firing me. They want to avoid paying someone long term disability and the lawsuit they’d face if I mess up and hurt a patient because of my rotting brain. So I just don’t talk to anyone unless it’s work related and focus on my patients. I have some nootropics I take too. Might not be the best long term but my long term prognosis isn’t happiness and rainbows. So I’ll just do what I need to to make it through the day at work without hiding in the bathroom and crying.
                    And... you can be like that to yourself. I'm taking the rest of the night off and going back to ssl configuration options tomorrow. I'll deal with it then. And I don’t really think I have cog fog but anytime I have to ask someone something twice or I don’t know something I assume it’s the curse.

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