The exhaustion of grief

[marti]

My sweet son is telling me he is going to make me go out with him and his family... wants to drag me to events that I really have no interest in and no energy to attend. He just doesn't understand the fatigue that comes with MS and how utterly broken and tired I am. Guess he thinks I'm too much of a couch potato.

I'm fine with riding the couch! I don't want to participate... never really did. I've always been better off alone.

So how do I get this through to him that I am fine and don't need a "fun filled" life just because Sam passed away? I don't mind an occasional day out or visit, but I'm afraid he's going to take this too far. Most of their activities seem to take them into the night which I really can't stand. He's worried about his Mom and I get that. But I just can't make him understand that I love my alone time. This is the sweetest son and I love him completely. Don't want to hurt his feelings. But I just don't want to be running all the time either.

We haven't even had Sam's memorial yet... so ... no closure. All the kids have had a hard time with this, but Mama has moments every day and will for awhile. I'm just not ready for a social life.

What do you all think?

[Carlyle]

I’m like you

Hi, my dw tells me same thing.I can go to most appointments but that’s about it.I try to do my pt each day,but I’m wore out,God help us all

[502E79]

My sweet son is telling me he is going to make me go out with him and his family... wants to drag me to events that I really have no interest in and no energy to attend. He just doesn't understand the fatigue that comes with MS and how utterly broken and tired I am. Guess he thinks I'm too much of a couch potato.

I'm fine with riding the couch! I don't want to participate... never really did. I've always been better off alone.

So how do I get this through to him that I am fine and don't need a "fun filled" life just because Sam passed away? I don't mind an occasional day out or visit, but I'm afraid he's going to take this too far. Most of their activities seem to take them into the night which I really can't stand. He's worried about his Mom and I get that. But I just can't make him understand that I love my alone time. This is the sweetest son and I love him completely. Don't want to hurt his feelings. But I just don't want to be running all the time either.

We haven't even had Sam's memorial yet... so ... no closure. All the kids have had a hard time with this, but Mama has moments every day and will for awhile. I'm just not ready for a social life.

What do you all think?

Marti,

It's too soon even for someone without MS. We all grieve differently but certainly everyone needs a month or so just to let the process begin.

Your son means well and is concerned... he has to know you better than I or others on this board.

I would suggest that you speak with his wife, state your case and ask that she help explain both your gratitude for your son's concern and your need to quietly absorb what is happening. A phone call daily will suffice until you collect yourself.

And you will reach out when you are ready. As before I remember you and family in my prayers.

Jer

[hsmaldo]

Marti, first off, I'm so sorry to hear about Sam passing away.

Regarding your son, even before Sam passed, I know you were exhausted and running yourself ragged trying to keep up with everything. But now, I agree, you need rest. You need to give your body a chance to rest and catch up with everything--before everything catches up with your body!

That's very sweet of your son to want to keep you busy and your mind off things, but I would agree that talking with him or his wife and just letting them know that you can't go to everything and that it would be detrimental to YOUR health if you were to try to do what he would like to you to do.

I know they are hurting too, but be gentle with yourself and go easy on yourself. Don't push yourself beyond your limits.

Let your son know that you need some time and space to process everything and that keeping busy is not what is going to help you get through this time of adjustment.

Again, I'm so sorry Marti. My prayers are with you and your family.

[Cat Mom]

I'm just not ready for a social life.

You just said it perfectly! This not only gets you out of going places you don't feel well enough to attend, but it also does not place blame on ANYONE.

A lot of the time just getting showered/hair/makeup/picking something to wear that's comfortable, etc. is enough to exhaust me and another whole lot of people. More effort is required when under such stress, buttons/buckles get difficult to close/open, etc.

You are under extreme stress, please don't feel bad turning people down... be OK with it, you have MS and need time to grieve. You'll feel a lot less stress not having to commit to events or occasions that will wear you out, physically and/or emotionally. I even ask the person who needs the RSVP if I can let them know closer to the date, or even last minute. In 13 years I've never had anybody say "No".

I hope you make time for yourself in order to grieve, put yourself first. I wish you well in this process.
Jen

[pennstater]

Maybe you can let him know that you are physically and emotionally exhausted and really need some time to grieve and recover.

Let him know the best way to help you now would be to come visit, maybe do a few things for you, help you go thru Sam's things, and/or bring a meal to share.

Let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness and caring and that when you are ready for the occasional outing, he will be your first call.

You do have to put your own needs first. Grieve at your own pace, make those doctor appointments you had to cancel, and rest.

[marti]

I think my son is understanding now. He's been trying to be extra helpful and just worried about Mom. But now I think he is getting that I am just not ready for much of anything.

Don't want anyone to have the wrong impression. He is the best son anyone could want and he is so very good to me.