Having bipolar leaves me with a sense of hesitancy as I try to navigate this world. All roads lead to delusion or surrealism. If I were an artist maybe I would enjoy this perspective; but I spent years studying logic and the dissonances are too marked to give anything a benefit of the doubt. Maybe that's taking logic to a perverse degree. I don't even trust my delusions - maybe someone really has it in for me. Or created some evil algorithm that makes me think someone is there - which as far as delusions go is much more comforting than me sitting here trying to outwit a batch of programs. Maybe I'm too much in my head.

One thing I disliked about cognitive behavioral therapy was the deconstruction and reverse engineering that allowed for an interpretation that 'felt better'. Here's where I get stuck. Interpretation? I can already feel the confusion coming in. Maybe I had one too many psychotic episodes, or wasn't properly medicated, or undercomplied. (I knew spellcheck was gonna have an issue with that. Maybe I should keep my thoughts within the realm of spellcheck - but again I keep falling back to a world that holds a slight patina of surrealness or absurdity. Maybe it doesn't matter what I think - so long as I don't hurt myself or others.

I think I'm gonna try studying Hegel. Not in a presumptuous way. Maybe I'll find the place where he veered off and started to take himself waaay too seriously.