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    Dating and MS

    I'm 34 years old and would love to date, find a companion, get married and start a family someday, but I can't help feeling like I'm being selfish.

    I have put my dating life on hold ever since I was diagnosed back in 2012. While I can still walk and am independent in doing things for myself, things can change at any moment. I don't want to be a burden for someone. I could not live with myself knowing that.

    How do you guys feel about dating with this disease? Anyone in the same boat as me? Do you even bring up in the conversation that you have MS? If so, how early on do you broach the subject? I feel like the other person should know upfront about what they are getting into. Definitely not the first date perhaps, but before things get too serious.

    Thoughts?



    “Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.”
    ― Helen Keller

    #2
    Hi ladybug,
    This is JMHO.
    Each of us has a different ms journey. some can experience a lot of problems and disability and problems others can do quite well and live a virtually normal life with only a few bumps along the way.
    The thing is that at some point the damage done by ms does catch up with us all eventually, but none of us know when that will be.

    But no one (ms or not) knows what the future holds.
    You may meet some one who seems perfectly healthy and it turns out they have cancer or some other ailment and you end up looking after them.

    I married just as my ms was presenting and i wasn't diagnosed for another ten years.
    Next week i have been married 32 yrs and have 5 children.
    If i had been diagnosed prior to marriage and decided 'not to date' i wouldn't have done these things.

    Yes i agree it is simple courtesy and consideration to be honest to some one you care about.
    But let them make the choice AND LIVE YOUR LIFE don't let ms spoil the now as well as the future.

    I hope this is helpful. I'm sure others will offer good perspectives as well.

    Comment


      #3
      Hi ladybug,

      I was diagnosed 3years before I met my husband. We were casual friends for 6 months before dating. Since I knew him, after our 2nd date, I told him. I wanted to give him an out where we could still be friends. He said noone has guarantees.

      He almost changed his mind after doing an MS walk with me, where he was faced with the reality of what MS could be. But he thought long and hard, realized again, no guarantees. He didn't tell me until much later he struggled after the walk.

      When I knew things were serious, I tried to give an out again. He said for all we knew, he could have a stroke or some accident, and I could be his caregiver. Then he asked me if I would run away if that was the case. The answer was no, so he told me to stop trying to push him away. I took him to a neuro appt to make sure he fully understood.

      I realized he was right. So eight years later, I still feel guilty sometimes. I worry, will he be able to retire when he wants or will he stay longer for my healthcare benefits? I sometimes worry about if I need care, am I going to deplete all the financial resources we share? What will be left for his future? But then he reminds me to stay in the moment and that he isn't doing anything that he doesn't want to.

      So don't give up on dating. I don't think you have to tell right away. If you feel the relationship is going to head somewhere, then I would tell. But when you do, I wouldn't make a huge deal, just that you have MS and are treated for it and if he has any questions, you are happy to discuss.

      Once it does start moving along, then I would make sure to educate about MS, the possibilities of progression, but also the possibilities of milder courses and advances in medicines and research. You don't want to hide the rougher side of MS, but also don't want to present it as if it is a given for your future. There are many parents with families on this board.

      Good luck. Live your best life!
      Kathy
      DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by ladybug162 View Post
        I'm 34 years old and would love to date, find a companion, get married and start a family someday, but I can't help feeling like I'm being selfish.

        I have put my dating life on hold ever since I was diagnosed back in 2012. While I can still walk and am independent in doing things for myself, things can change at any moment. I don't want to be a burden for someone. I could not live with myself knowing that.

        How do you guys feel about dating with this disease? Anyone in the same boat as me? Do you even bring up in the conversation that you have MS? If so, how early on do you broach the subject? I feel like the other person should know upfront about what they are getting into. Definitely not the first date perhaps, but before things get too serious.

        Thoughts?
        Ladybug - I was in your shoes.

        I told my ex-husband about MS before I agreed to marry him, and thought that he understood what could happen, but alas, his perception of taking care of everything was mostly taking care of himself (NOT me or the house / yards not even HIS children ). After too many relapses where he turned a blind eye to things I had to let him go (more like booted him out cause I could still take care of things - cook, work, drive ect).

        So I started dating again. I always had conversations with each person (phone or texting) before meeting tham. I can assure you that there are a whole lot of frogs out there!

        But I did finally find my prince . Again I went thru what was / had happened to me and the list of what could happen. He was insistent that he would take care of me. And we had several disagreements where he wanted to sit me on a shelf so that nothing would happen to me . I had to make him see that I needed to do what I could while I could. So after a couple of years we got married. BTW he is type 1 diabetic (insulin dependant).

        I have become very adept at detecting low blood sugar episodes, and have had to call EMT's so many times that they recognize him when we are out in town (shopping, dining ). Countless times I have managed to revive him without calling for help. He actually listens to me now when I ask him to check his sugar.

        In October of last year he had a brain hemorrhage and spent 2 weeks in ICU. They determined that he had an AVM, and it has become my responsibility to drive him everywhere. The doctors performed 5 procedures (technical term 'gluing') to attempt to stabilize the AVM and prevent additional hemorrhaging. The AVM has caused him to suffer from many of the same sx's that I have dealt with for years - vision problems, cog fog and fatigue - as well as many that I never had experience with - seizures, persistent nausea and mood swings.

        Finally his neuro decided that it was time to surgically remove it. We were told of the risks of surgery and the date was set - 2 1/2 weeks ago. He underwent brain surgery. The AVM was removed (GOOD) but he has lost the vision on his right side, and his left side is wonky now. He is going through a rough time in that he cannot read his mail, operate his phone, determine which prescriptions he needs to take when, see to navigate around the house or even draw up his insulin. The doctors are hopeful that as the swelling goes down more vision will return but it is a real possibility that it will not.

        He was working when all of this started. He has exhausted his STD and is having trouble getting LTD started. Now he is feeling worthless. No money coming in while creating astronomical bills, unable to take care of himself and everything falling on my shoulders. His plan of being my knight is shining armor is quickly fading as his new reality is setting in.

        I said all of this to say that life is unpredictable. While he feels it is his greatest failure that I am taking care of him instead of him taking care of me all that I can say is that i am grateful that after 25 years with MS I am able to do so.

        BUT to answer your questions ..
        Forget that you have MS in the looking stage. Look for people that you enjoy talking to and have anything in common with.

        If after extensive talking you want to meet somebody IRL then to so in a public place - for your safety.

        Do not be in a hurry to reveal that you have MS. You will be able to weed many out after a week. As I said there are a whole lot of "frogs" out there.

        After you tell them that you have MS don't leave them hanging - inform them about it. Not just general (that too) but about YOUR MS. I think that it became more real to my husband after we attended an MS event and he actually saw and talked to others both with MS and their carepartners.

        After you find your 'prince' be sure not to abuse them. Continue doing all that you can for as long as you can.

        There may very well be some people that you meet that are NOT your lifelong love but which may turn into great friends. But again. forget that you have MS and just have fun for now. Let people get to know who you are first then if the MS is a dealbreaker for them it probably should be .

        Good luck.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by msgijo View Post
          BUT to answer your questions ..
          Forget that you have MS in the looking stage. Look for people that you enjoy talking to and have anything in common with.

          If after extensive talking you want to meet somebody IRL then to so in a public place - for your safety.

          Do not be in a hurry to reveal that you have MS. You will be able to weed many out after a week. As I said there are a whole lot of "frogs" out there.

          After you tell them that you have MS don't leave them hanging - inform them about it. Not just general (that too) but about YOUR MS. I think that it became more real to my husband after we attended an MS event and he actually saw and talked to others both with MS and their carepartners.

          After you find your 'prince' be sure not to abuse them. Continue doing all that you can for as long as you can.

          There may very well be some people that you meet that are NOT your lifelong love but which may turn into great friends. But again. forget that you have MS and just have fun for now. Let people get to know who you are first then if the MS is a dealbreaker for them it probably should be .

          Good luck.
          This is such good advice and one I wholeheartedly agree with!

          Another point I'd like to make, ladybug, is that all life is a journey, whether you have MS or not. One never knows where the journey may lead you, but it can only start when you take a first step. You may be surprised along the way what you find! Putting your dating on hold might close you off to any possibilities. I'd say go with it and good luck to you
          1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
          Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by msgijo View Post
            Ladybug - I was in your shoes.

            I told my ex-husband about MS before I agreed to marry him, and thought that he understood what could happen, but alas, his perception of taking care of everything was mostly taking care of himself (NOT me or the house / yards not even HIS children ). After too many relapses where he turned a blind eye to things I had to let him go (more like booted him out cause I could still take care of things - cook, work, drive ect).

            So I started dating again. I always had conversations with each person (phone or texting) before meeting tham. I can assure you that there are a whole lot of frogs out there!

            But I did finally find my prince . Again I went thru what was / had happened to me and the list of what could happen. He was insistent that he would take care of me. And we had several disagreements where he wanted to sit me on a shelf so that nothing would happen to me . I had to make him see that I needed to do what I could while I could. So after a couple of years we got married. BTW he is type 1 diabetic (insulin dependant).

            I have become very adept at detecting low blood sugar episodes, and have had to call EMT's so many times that they recognize him when we are out in town (shopping, dining ). Countless times I have managed to revive him without calling for help. He actually listens to me now when I ask him to check his sugar.

            In October of last year he had a brain hemorrhage and spent 2 weeks in ICU. They determined that he had an AVM, and it has become my responsibility to drive him everywhere. The doctors performed 5 procedures (technical term 'gluing') to attempt to stabilize the AVM and prevent additional hemorrhaging. The AVM has caused him to suffer from many of the same sx's that I have dealt with for years - vision problems, cog fog and fatigue - as well as many that I never had experience with - seizures, persistent nausea and mood swings.

            Finally his neuro decided that it was time to surgically remove it. We were told of the risks of surgery and the date was set - 2 1/2 weeks ago. He underwent brain surgery. The AVM was removed (GOOD) but he has lost the vision on his right side, and his left side is wonky now. He is going through a rough time in that he cannot read his mail, operate his phone, determine which prescriptions he needs to take when, see to navigate around the house or even draw up his insulin. The doctors are hopeful that as the swelling goes down more vision will return but it is a real possibility that it will not.

            He was working when all of this started. He has exhausted his STD and is having trouble getting LTD started. Now he is feeling worthless. No money coming in while creating astronomical bills, unable to take care of himself and everything falling on my shoulders. His plan of being my knight is shining armor is quickly fading as his new reality is setting in.

            I said all of this to say that life is unpredictable. While he feels it is his greatest failure that I am taking care of him instead of him taking care of me all that I can say is that i am grateful that after 25 years with MS I am able to do so.

            BUT to answer your questions ..
            Forget that you have MS in the looking stage. Look for people that you enjoy talking to and have anything in common with.

            If after extensive talking you want to meet somebody IRL then to so in a public place - for your safety.

            Do not be in a hurry to reveal that you have MS. You will be able to weed many out after a week. As I said there are a whole lot of "frogs" out there.

            After you tell them that you have MS don't leave them hanging - inform them about it. Not just general (that too) but about YOUR MS. I think that it became more real to my husband after we attended an MS event and he actually saw and talked to others both with MS and their carepartners.

            After you find your 'prince' be sure not to abuse them. Continue doing all that you can for as long as you can.

            There may very well be some people that you meet that are NOT your lifelong love but which may turn into great friends. But again. forget that you have MS and just have fun for now. Let people get to know who you are first then if the MS is a dealbreaker for them it probably should be .

            Good luck.
            Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate it. I am so sorry you and your husband are going through such a rough time! How is your husband doing now? I will keep you both in my prayers.

            We can never tell what life will throw at us next. Ever since my ovarian surgery my lower back has never been the same. I can no longer stand or walk for more than five minutes before I get excruciating pain in my back. I think it's from the epidural I had right before the surgery. My mom thinks it's my ms. I think I'm just going to try to see an ortho doctor and see if they can provide some relief. My eyes have also been acting up recently. Last week I had to go renew my drivers license and I could not pass the eye exam. It had been awhile since I had been to the eye doctor. Well when I went my doctor was pretty upset with me because the pressures in my eyes were very high. He said I could be developing glaucoma and he was glad that my expiring drivers license was what brought me in. So now I have to go back for more testing and hoping it's not glaucoma.



            “Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.”
            ― Helen Keller

            Comment


              #7
              Thank you all for your stories and advice! I really appreciate it. God bless you all.



              “Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.”
              ― Helen Keller

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by ladybug162 View Post
                Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate it. I am so sorry you and your husband are going through such a rough time! How is your husband doing now? I will keep you both in my prayers.

                We can never tell what life will throw at us next. Ever since my ovarian surgery my lower back has never been the same. I can no longer stand or walk for more than five minutes before I get excruciating pain in my back. I think it's from the epidural I had right before the surgery. My mom thinks it's my ms. I think I'm just going to try to see an ortho doctor and see if they can provide some relief. My eyes have also been acting up recently. Last week I had to go renew my drivers license and I could not pass the eye exam. It had been awhile since I had been to the eye doctor. Well when I went my doctor was pretty upset with me because the pressures in my eyes were very high. He said I could be developing glaucoma and he was glad that my expiring drivers license was what brought me in. So now I have to go back for more testing and hoping it's not glaucoma.
                Thank you for the prayers! My dh is adjusting to his new normal. Well, he is trying to. BTW he does not like my "world" - the crazy sx's, the too many doctors and the inability to do anything about any of it. He always at least attempted to understand what I was going thru, now he can totally identify .

                I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now. There really should be a law that if you have MS you are not allowed to have anything else wrong with you.
                Hopefully it will not be glaucoma. Are you diabetic? I ask because that can screw up your eyes. But in any event do go back and follow the doctor's orders. Eyesight is very valuable.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hi ladybug, There are no grantees what's gonna be like a normal healthy person eventually diagnosed with some thing but all you know its life and no one gets out of this world alive. So make the most of what you have now. I wish you all the best in your search and don't give up Good luck!!

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