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Mother's Day and my birthday make me cry

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    Mother's Day and my birthday make me cry

    Ok, some backstory.

    I don't have kids. My husband and I live in VA, my mom and dad live in FL, my brother lives in PA, and my in-laws live in OH. There's no support system here for me. I can't face going off my meds before trying to have a baby, deal with a newborn, stay off meds if I want to breastfeed.... its a terrifying prospect.

    As a child, teenager, and into college I always said 'NO KIDS'. I was never interesting in being a mom. That lasted exactly as long as it took to meet my husband. He's such an amazing man, and would be an amazing dad. I want to watch him be a dad. I want to have a baby. I want to give my brother a niece or nephew. I want to be a mom.

    My youngerbrother just had a baby on Tuesday. I'm so happy for him.

    I just turned 33 last month. And for the last two weeks, the mere mention of kids turns me into a blubbering mess. My husband is amazingly supportive and he and I have talked and decided that kids might just not be in the cards for us. We'll just be amazing aunt and uncle to our 8 nieces and nephews.

    That's been the plan for a few years now. And we're both happy with our lives. We're even making plans to move back to OH (where we're both from) to be closer to nieces and nephews and in-laws.

    So, WHY AM I CRYING? Birthdays are usually hard for me about this, but this weekend, I had to get up from a hibachi table and go cry in the bathroom because a mom sat down to our table with a newborn.

    Thank you for reading this long, ramble. I think I just needed to get it out there somewhere. Thank you for being the place I can go for support. Thank you ladies.

    #2
    Hi Deb,
    Sorry you're feeling so down. I hope talking helped. Always here to listen.
    All 'special occasions' make me miserable too especially with so much around us in this impersonal new age showing us glimpses of the perfect relationships -like we are surrounded by the Brady bunch. It's so hard to see others experiencing something we believe we can never have-it hurts.

    Your post sounds to me like your dealing with depression and triggers may be very upsetting for you.
    Not trying to diagnose or preach- just empathising from my own experience

    If this isn't the case and there is a subconscious change of desire in regard to having a family maybe you would like to discuss further. Lots of us have made the decision you have and others have gone down another path .
    I'm sure you would find some helpful experiences to share on here.
    All the best Deb,
    Caroline

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      #3
      Thanks

      Thanks Carolyn. I have two huge fears, one on each path -

      Have kids - MS progresses, I'm not able to work or care for my kids and my husband is stuck caring for children and me.
      Don't - I am terrified that I will regret not having kids. I comfort myself with nieces and nephews and talk of possible adoption.

      I just don't want to make the wrong choice. The longer I wait, the more the lack of decision becomes its own decision.

      This sucks. I think that's all I can say at the end of this.

      Comment


        #4
        Many hugs.
        "Hope for the best and plan for the worst. That way, all your surprises will be pleasant."
        Verin Mathwin, The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan

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          #5
          Sorry you are having a rough time. If you haven't, I would discuss with your neuro your fears.

          I don't have kids, but do think that being a parent is the hardest job, and probably, the most fulfilling. I have heard people liken it to wearing your heart outside your body.

          That being said, not having kids also opens up other opportunities and experiences in life.

          I would take MS out of the equation, and decide if you want kids and why. If you do, add MS back in, then discuss your fears with your husband and neuro. I would also make sure your husband does the same, as he may feel he wants kids, but may feel strongly that he doesn't want them if it risks your health, or may be ok with the risks when you walk thru them with your neuro.

          As you said, adoption may be a good answer if the fear of relapses before after pregnancy is your big negative on having kids.

          Without any kids, you can still have meaningful and rewarding relationships with other kids. They could be nieces or nephews, or thru fostering or volunteering with youths, or mentoring a child.

          If you decide not to have kids, I feel that you won't have regrets if you feel you have had a fulfilling life.

          I hope you feel better soon,
          Kathy
          DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

          Comment


            #6
            Aunt Deb
            Thanks
            Thanks Carolyn. I have two huge fears, one on each path -

            Have kids - MS progresses, I'm not able to work or care for my kids and my husband is stuck caring for children and me.
            Don't - I am terrified that I will regret not having kids. I comfort myself with nieces and nephews and talk of possible adoption.

            I just don't want to make the wrong choice. The longer I wait, the more the lack of decision becomes its own decision.

            This sucks. I think that's all I can say at the end of this.
            Hi again Deb,
            Your welcome- anytime
            It really does sound like you are feeling the clock ticking and questioning your previous decision .

            Both your fears are not only understandable they show you are a caring person who doesn't want to burden loved ones.
            You're absolutely right- this does suck- its not what you had in mind for your life.
            Please don't put more pressure on yourself by thinking you have to MAKE A DECISION IN A TIME FRAME.
            To work something like this out and make a decision you need to take your time and share your fears with your husband because he is involved too. It may help to go to counselling and discuss openly with some one else present who can keep you both on point, because it can be counter productive to get so emotional that we don't listen to the other person.

            If the possibility of not having children is already causing you upset then the feeling of loss can cause on going depression and resentment and it can cause as much or more damage to any of your relationships and quality of life as dealing with (possible ) ms relapses and the physical issues of rearing a child.
            Deb , please believe me- there is no right or wrong choice. Many things that happen just happen!
            Be fair to yourself and the rest of your family- be clear on WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY and try and BE HAPPY.
            Caroline

            Comment


              #7
              Hello Aunt Deb,

              I agree with all the advice that has been given. I am sorry you are having a lot of anxiety and I hope by talking with your husband and neuro you will find your answer.

              I wish you all the best.
              God Bless Us All

              Comment


                #8
                Thank you isn't enough

                Thank you everyone. As I wrote the original post, I realized a lot of my fears were that my husband (not consciously) would be disappointed or come to be resentful.

                I didn't realize that until I was typing that post. As soon as I got home yesterday, we talked and I told him what I had realized. He showed me a collage I had made earlier in the day and said 'I'm good. You had trouble getting all of the kids into the frame.' I think that fear is still there, but now that I am conscious of it, I can deal with it.

                This amazing community has gotten me through 7 years of MS. I know I can come here and someone (usually many someones) will say the right things to bring me out of whatever funk I've got myself into. I can never thank you all enough.

                Thank you

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