Feeling Down and Have Questions

[jamilea]

Does anyone ever question their diagnosis almost like trying to go back into the denial bubble?

Do all of you also find yourself opening your MRI photos on disc and reading the radiology reports? I find myself doing that. It seems like it starts off harmless enough. I'm sure that I have a solid reason for wanting to do it, but after several hours, I realize that I've been hyperfocused on it and obsessing on all of the lesions. It almost feels like a toxic cycle.

Each time I do it and realize that's where I've been at for hours, I feel crappy and depressed afterwards, and find myself wondering why I thought it was a good idea in the first place.

I wonder if I'm vacillating between denial and trying to control something because I feel so powerless? I want so badly to hear the doctor say, "Wait! Guess what? All you have to do is stop eating grapes and you'll be fine." This is a really tough thing to accept, but I really really want to get to a place of acceptance so that I can stop focusing on myself and be proactive. Any suggestions?

[jreagan70]

It almost feels like a toxic cycle.

Not almost. It IS a toxic cycle.

I wonder if I'm vacillating between denial and trying to control something because I feel so powerless?

Going back to something IS part of trying to control something. Just about everyone has at least one thing in their life they keep going back to. It's one of our human foibles. It's the belief that as long as we keep thinking about something and keeping it "alive," there's a chance to change it or to fix it. Rationally, we may even know it's not fixable, but we keep giving ourselves the illusion that is IS fixable because it's still active in our minds. But returning to it just starts the cycle all over again. And the worse we feel about the issue, the more toxic the cycle becomes.

This kind of a cycle is bothersome to people who are otherwise in control of their emotions, and they usually learn to stop it. But people with anxiety and/or obsessive compulsive disorder usually need outside help to break the cycle(s), partly because they don't believe in their own power to control their own thinking.

Each time I do it and realize that's where I've been at for hours, I feel crappy and depressed afterwards, and find myself wondering why I thought it was a good idea in the first place.

Beating up on yourself afterward is also part of the cycle. The cycle is learned behavior. So now that you're aware of what you're doing, you can learn a different response. The cycle started because you wanted to be in control of the situation, but in this case you're trying to control something you can't control.

Instead, you can put your attention on something you can control, and that's your response to the situation. You can learn a new response. It will take some time and practice, but that's how people learn to overcome anxiety.

This is a really tough thing to accept, but I really really want to get to a place of acceptance so that I can stop focusing on myself and be proactive. Any suggestions?

It actually works the other way around. When you stop focusing on yourself and start being proactive, you'll find your way to a place of acceptance.

[dastardly]

Hi Jamilea feeling down and in denial almost seems a part of MS, and I questioned whether I really had MS or they made a mistake for years, I have accepted it now but that doesn't mean Im happy with it, one of the hardest things for me is to try and explain how I feel on the inside how I have no energy and no drive, Im not giving up I don't have the energy to do that but we live with hope and I hope you don't stop focusing on yourself as you are the most important person and to hell with it eat another grape Craig

[jamilea]

Not almost. It IS a toxic cycle.


Going back to something IS part of trying to control something. Just about everyone has at least one thing in their life they keep going back to. It's one of our human foibles. It's the belief that as long as we keep thinking about something and keeping it "alive," there's a chance to change it or to fix it. Rationally, we may even know it's not fixable, but we keep giving ourselves the illusion that is IS fixable because it's still active in our minds. But returning to it just starts the cycle all over again. And the worse we feel about the issue, the more toxic the cycle becomes.

This kind of a cycle is bothersome to people who are otherwise in control of their emotions, and they usually learn to stop it. But people with anxiety and/or obsessive compulsive disorder usually need outside help to break the cycle(s), partly because they don't believe in their own power to control their own thinking.


Beating up on yourself afterward is also part of the cycle. The cycle is learned behavior. So now that you're aware of what you're doing, you can learn a different response. The cycle started because you wanted to be in control of the situation, but in this case you're trying to control something you can't control.

Instead, you can put your attention on something you can control, and that's your response to the situation. You can learn a new response. It will take some time and practice, but that's how people learn to overcome anxiety.


It actually works the other way around. When you stop focusing on yourself and start being proactive, you'll find your way to a place of acceptance.

That's great advice, thank you. I'm curious, are you a Psychologist or can you relate to what I'm going through?

[loopey]

Learning to Cope

I have had trouble coping with MS. It changed me from an optimist to a person who was down a lot of the time. I finally went to a therapist and she advised me to try Mindfulness Meditation. There are two good apps that can be downloaded and tried out initially for free. One is called Headspace and the other is called Calm. I use both and have had positive results.

I am not where I want to be yet but I am improving.

[candycane]

I'm the same way

I'm the same way.

I read jreagan's response and can appreciate and agree with it BUT I will say it's not always helpful to "stop focusing on yourself." I find that I need to focus on myself more in order to be proactive.

I need to show myself the same compassion I show everyone else.

I also think that sometimes denial is just hope out of control. (speaking about me personally)

Does that make sense?

[AriD]

I denied my diagnosis for a long time. Partly because my first neurologist would say I had it, then didn't have it for a couple of years. As things have gotten worse, I still sometimes say to my new neurologist that maybe it's something else, not MS. She just looks at me and says you have MS! Symptoms and relapses are so varied and you can have long periods of feeling good, so I think it's easy to deny its existence. Once it progresses though, it's pretty hard to ignore unfortunately.

[jamilea]

Thanks everyone for your replies of support and sharing your experiences.

Loopey, thanks for the app suggestions. I'm going to download one now and use it tonight