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He treats me like a patient.

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    He treats me like a patient.

    I was diagnosed the month following my wedding (March 2014). My husband has always been kind of a caretaker--cooks, cleans and caters to me. So I guess I didn't notice that he was doing even more of that while I was going through the diagnosing process and each time I've had an exacerbation.

    Well lately, I have been in more pain than ever! After working a 40 hour week, I have little energy left for anything. He continues to take care of my basic needs. But I fear he doesn't see me as a woman anymore. To him, I am just a patient.

    I'm still quite foxy 😉but I don't think he desires me like he used to. Is this common? I try to be as "normal" as possible but sometimes that takes more energy than I can muster.

    I don't think it's intentional but it still hurts. Any similar experiences or advice? Thanks.

    #2
    Hi KevsLuv,

    One of the most important things for a long term, sustainable marriage is communication. Pick a day/time when you are both relaxed and not frustrated or angry.

    When having this discussion remember to use "I feel, I think, my perspective, ect. " instead of telling him "you make me feel, you..." When a person hears the "you" word such as "you make me feel... or you don't..." it can make them feel attacked or as if they are doing everything wrong and they will become defensive.

    When the word "I" is used you are then expressing the way you are feeling, thinking, basically your own perspective. This can lead to a productive discussion.

    Remember, each person as their own perspective. This does not make one person right or the other person wrong. They just view things differently.

    So...what you are feeling and thinking may not be the reality of his actions. Please speak to him
    Diagnosed 1984
    “Lightworkers aren’t here to avoid the darkness…they are here to transform the darkness through the illuminating power of love.” Muses from a mystic

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      #3
      just another perspective...

      My DH has MS. Like you, he works a 40 hr week and has energy for little else. I do all the housework, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, etc on top of working my own 40+ hour week. These are all everyday things that simply need to be done by someone and most of the time I do not mind doing them. That being said, they are definitely a drain on my energy levels and I don't always have the energy or desire for some fun in the sack. It is certainly not because he is less desirable to me now than he was before being diagnosed.
      On a side note, you two have only been married for a little over a year. The dynamics of married life seem to ebb and flow a little differently with each passing year. Like Snoopy suggested- talk to him. I bet his answer will surprise you!

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        #4
        Thanks

        Snoopy and Hotdiggitydog thank you very much for your responses. I appreciate the kind words and the different perspectives.

        We have some quality time planned soon. I'll talk to him about it then. I so appreciate everything he does for me but I just want to make sure we don't lose the fire!

        Comment


          #5
          I was diagnosed, and had my worst exacerbation ever just 6 weeks before our wedding. I was at the point that my now husband had to help me shower, eat etc. I was only 25 at the time. I did give him the option to cancel the wedding and he said absolutely not.

          But for a long time he was so worried about me that he was doing everything around the house that needed to be done. While I appreciate everything he does for me I felt that he wasn't letting me contribute fully to our marriage.

          Like everyone suggested I discussed this with him and explained how I was feeling. His response was that he was so afraid of something happening to me and him loosing me that he felt he needed to do everything for me.

          Now almost 18 years later he does still do a lot of the work around here but he no longer babies me and allows me to do some of the work. He definitely will not let me do yard work in the heat of the summer.

          i feel that communication is extreemly important. I also think that as time goes on you will both grow, learn and adapt to this disease and the challenges it throws to you. But with open honest communication you can work through it together.
          Wendy

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            #6
            Thanks Holliedog

            Thank you for that. Sometimes it feels like we were the only newlyweds dealing with MS. Since I posted this thread, he and I have talked some and I am hopeful that things will get better.

            Comment


              #7
              Hi KevsLuv.

              I am glad to hear that you two talked. I have been wondering how things were going.

              I have been married only 8 years, but was in process of going on disability when my DH and I met, so he knew what he was getting into. In fact we waited a couple of years after meeting before getting married. He had this grand vision of 'taking care' of me. Couple of problems to that tho ...

              First off he is sorta lazy (just being honest) and I have always been a type A person, so that was our first conflict. I finally told him to let me do what I could - while I could - cause it would be hard enough when I couldn't. I will however make the concession of not working in the goldfish pond when he isn't around, and carrying my cell phone while he is at work

              Second glitch - he is an insulin dependent diabetic. And it is not well controlled. So I have had to learn how to recognize the signs of low blood sugar and how to get it up - in a hurry. Sometimes I cant, and have called for EMT's several times. He has totaled only two vehicles since our marriage due to low blood sugar. Now he will call me when he gets to wherever he is going (ie. work, store, his dad's) and when he is headed home - his concession.

              The roles we had thought we would take in our marriage are not what the reality is today. In a strange way I believe that it has helped us. I can understand his worrying about me and he recognizes that I am trying my best to not nag him when I see a problem developing. But it didn't just work out like that. We talked. And talked. And still have to talk it out sometimes.

              Great advise on the perspective talking - when we have our talks I ALWAYS emphasis the "I FEEL .." People are always complimenting us on our 'wonderful marriage', and we just look at each other and smile. It is work. A full time job. And sometimes is isn't so wonderful . But neither of us would have it any other way .

              Good luck

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by msgijo View Post
                I finally told him to let me do what I could - while I could - cause it would be hard enough when I couldn't. I will however make the concession of not working in the goldfish pond when he isn't around, and carrying my cell phone while he is at work
                I think this is crucial for us all. Do what we can while we can. If we allow someone to care for us or rescue us when it isn't totally necessary it creates an unequal balance of power in the relationship and usually resentment.

                OP having him cook, clean and cater to you in addition to working a full time job will likely get old for him unless he is totally co-dependent and that is a whole other bag of worms. I'd try to contribute in those areas some if you are physically able to. Good luck!
                He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                Anonymous

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by Jules A View Post
                  OP having him cook, clean and cater to you in addition to working a full time job will likely get old for him unless he is totally co-dependent and that is a whole other bag of worms. I'd try to contribute in those areas some if you are physically able to. Good luck!
                  You're right. I am on leave from work now and have really put forth an effort to take on more of the household chores.

                  I've explained to him how I feel and we have been working together to feel like spouses more than patient and caretaker.

                  I appreciate the advice.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by KevsLuv View Post
                    You're right. I am on leave from work now and have really put forth an effort to take on more of the household chores.

                    I've explained to him how I feel and we have been working together to feel like spouses more than patient and caretaker.

                    I appreciate the advice.
                    Best wishes and please keep us posted!
                    He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                    Anonymous

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by KevsLuv View Post
                      Thank you for that. Sometimes it feels like we were the only newlyweds dealing with MS. Since I posted this thread, he and I have talked some and I am hopeful that things will get better.
                      Hello,

                      I know this is a little old but I also got married recently, this March, and I just got diagnosed with MS this month.

                      My husband already wants to baby me, he even begs me to quit my job! I know it's because he loves me and is very worried, but I just wanted to let you know I also am a newlywed going through this.

                      Hope everything goes well for you

                      Comment


                        #12
                        thoughts

                        Like those of us with MS, we have our life dumped on its head when we hear the diagnosis. We (at least I) wasn't sure how to deal with the situation. I'm sure it's confusing for others. I think most people tend to "guess" at what they should be doing.

                        What has worked for me has been telling those who are overly eager to help that I'll make a deal with them. Let me try because they might not be around the next time, and I promise to ask if I need help. I explain that when they try to do things for me, they are taking away a learning experience. I need to learn how to navigate life when others aren't around and they are helping by being close and allowing me to try as I learn. You can see their desire to help, but over time, they tend to learn when they need to step in and when to watch the show.

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