Ignorance is bliss, but its been too long

[Aliivs]

My mom was diagnosed in December 2011. I have played rather silent in the whole ordeal. Choosing ignorance over acceptance.

I recently joined this forum to help with my understanding of the illness, and to also seek advice/help for my family.

My mom is in her mid-50s and overweight. She has just this year finally taken control of her eating habits and has seen great improvements. I am however, trying to get her to be more active. She has a habit of sitting all day (either sewing or on her ipad). A couple years ago, I purchased yoga DVDs that were directed towards people with mobility issues. She suffers from numbness in her legs, and her hips get extremely stiff. I did However, she will not use the DVDs, they have only sat and collected dust. How can I help her be motivated to becoming more mobile.. no matter how hard it is for her... She needs to push herself, but is easier for her to give up, and be upset.

I love my mom, but I need her to see that we as a family need her to take control and fight this. Some days I feel she is just giving in to the illness instead of accepting it and pushing onwards. Is there something more I can do?

Its hard for me to help in all of this, because I live 3hours away. Winter months make it nearly impossible to go there on the weekends, and I can't afford the gas money to be there more than every few months. I truly want to be there, not only to help my mom, but also to help my dad. I've debated moving back home, but I have a life here where I am at.

My dad is now having to give up things he loves doing because my mom can't partake anymore. I know he needs his time to do things he loves, but my mom makes a big deal out of it and he feels guilty leaving her behind. So he doesn't go, which isn't fair. He needs his space too...

[msgijo]

My mom was diagnosed in December 2011.

I was dx'ed in 1994. My daughter was 12 at the the time. She was taught to give me shots (Avonex) and gave me injections (I am needle -phobic). An all around great kid - after she moved out she still came by at least once a month to take me shopping, and several more times each month to check on me. She lived a WHOLE LOT CLOSER to me that you live to your parents .

My mom is in her mid-50s and overweight. She has just this year finally taken control of her eating habits and has seen great improvements. I am however, trying to get her to be more active. She has a habit of sitting all day (either sewing or on her ipad). A couple years ago, I purchased yoga DVDs that were directed towards people with mobility issues. She suffers from numbness in her legs, and her hips get extremely stiff. I did However, she will not use the DVDs, they have only sat and collected dust. How can I help her be motivated to becoming more mobile.. no matter how hard it is for her... She needs to push herself, but is easier for her to give up, and be upset.

I am also in my mid 50's some mobility problems. My daughter purchased a Wii for me to use. Her reasoning was that since I liked games it would be a good way to get me moving (Wii resort), and I could always just play other games on it, to keep my mind active. I do still use it - occasionally. Normally I have to replace the batteries every time I decide to play with it .

She knows that I can't work outside on my Koi pond like I used to do, and that outside flowers are a little more than I handle (heat sensitive), so she didn't really think that there was anything abnormal when they started looking neglected.
But I think it was the fact that she noticed my house is no longer spotless - as she remembered from her childhood - that caused her to conclude that I must be depressed. She started bugging me to take up the crafts I had done years ago. Sketching, painting etc. So I had to come clean with her. I can't do those things any more. My hands shake too badly for that. And my eyesight is just too poor.
These are things she may have picked up on if she lived here with me, but they were things that I had not had a reason to share with her. Like you, she has a life now. Why worry her about things that there is nothing to be done about?

I love my mom, but I need her to see that we as a family need her to take control and fight this. Some days I feel she is just giving in to the illness instead of accepting it and pushing onwards. Is there something more I can do?

As I said earlier, my daughter has moved out. She is now married with a child of her own to care for. She has a job. She has a life. And since my husband takes good care of me (not her father) she has let him take over caring for me. I may not see her for a month or two at a time. I know she would do anything I asked her to do for me, but I don't wish to intrude on her life. Or to let her worry about me.

I say this to suggest that there may be things going on with your mother that you don't know about. I am currently suffering from some major fatigue issues. Will I let my daughter know? NO.

Its hard for me to help in all of this, because I live 3hours away. I can't afford the gas money to be there more than every few months. I truly want to be there, not only to help my mom, but also to help my dad. I've debated moving back home, but I have a life here where I am at.

My dad is now having to give up things he loves doing because my mom can't partake anymore. I know he needs his time to do things he loves, but my mom makes a big deal out of it and he feels guilty leaving her behind. So he doesn't go, which isn't fair. He needs his space too...

Yes it is hard and no it isn't fair to your mother and father or you that this horrible disease is impacting your lives. But life isn't fair

Suggestions? Continue to encourage you mom on her weight loss. As she losses more weight she may feel more like doing things. Continue to learn about MS and be supportive if/when new things pop up. The more you know the easier it will be to accept the way things are.

Sorry if I am sounding negative right now, but I am really wishing that I had just a tad more energy. I am REALLY tired of sitting here in this chair

Welcome to the forum. Good luck and best wishes

[hunterd]

I do not know what her limitations are, and I do not know if this is available to her, but how about suggesting and aqua therapy class or possibly water aerobics. Thank you for taking an interest in your mom's life of MS. Welcome to MSWorld!

[Aliivs]

MSgijo - thank you for your response. much of what you said put things in a bit better of a perspective. you're right that she probably isn't telling me everything that is going on... She does put up a big front, and tries to be strong.. Deep down I know she is having a hard time. I just wish she would tell me what I can do... All she truly wants when I come to visit is my time. I'd do anything for my parents, they've done so much for me.

A lot of the house duties are falling on my dad. My mom tries to help, but I know she tires easily. When I offer my help to my dad.. like coming to visit and cooking all weekend, he refuses. He has too much pride to let me take over for a few days... I just wish he could get out and do some of the things he enjoys doing without feeling bad about it.

Hunterd - I will suggest the aqua class to her, but she hasn't been in a bathing suit since... before I was born I'm sure.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

[msgijo]

MSgijo - thank you for your response. much of what you said put things in a bit better of a perspective. you're right that she probably isn't telling me everything that is going on... She does put up a big front, and tries to be strong..

You are quite welcome . I am glad that my muddled post gave you some insight in the matter. Your parents are just being parents .

All she truly wants when I come to visit is my time. I'd do anything for my parents, they've done so much for me.

Hmm - This could work to your advantage ..

A lot of the house duties are falling on my dad. My mom tries to help, but I know she tires easily. When I offer my help to my dad.. like coming to visit and cooking all weekend, he refuses. He has too much pride to let me take over for a few days... I just wish he could get out and do some of the things he enjoys doing without feeling bad about it.

Maybe you know what some of the things your dad would to do like are? Are they events? Or just a 'go and do' type thing? In any event, you may want to try and schedule a visit around that. Then insist on a 'girls time'.
While your dad is gone you will have the opportunity to try out this wonderful "new recipe" that you found, and oops - that made a lot more than i thought it would. And you should always clean up any mess that you make - right? Sounds like a clean kitchen to me .

You may have to be sneaky, but think on it. Take some decorating magazines to show your mom -
then suggest that the 2 of you go shopping to get the things she likes, and voila - you simply HAVE to do some cleaning to incorporate the new stuff. Added bonus will be she gets out of the house and moving.

In spite of me trying to 'help' with suggestions I really feel that a warning is required with this. Tread carefully. I personally would not want my daughter to come in and turn my world into chaos . MS symptoms do change from day to day, and some days (or weeks) are better than others. You don't want to influence her to 'over-do'.

Your mom is blessed to have such a caring daughter. Best of luck.

[Aliivs]

Maybe you know what some of the things your dad would to do like are? Are they events? Or just a 'go and do' type thing? In any event, you may want to try and schedule a visit around that. Then insist on a 'girls time'.
While your dad is gone you will have the opportunity to try out this wonderful "new recipe" that you found, and oops - that made a lot more than i thought it would. And you should always clean up any mess that you make - right? Sounds like a clean kitchen to me .

You may have to be sneaky, but think on it. Take some decorating magazines to show your mom -
then suggest that the 2 of you go shopping to get the things she likes, and voila - you simply HAVE to do some cleaning to incorporate the new stuff. Added bonus will be she gets out of the house and moving.

In spite of me trying to 'help' with suggestions I really feel that a warning is required with this. Tread carefully. I personally would not want my daughter to come in and turn my world into chaos . MS symptoms do change from day to day, and some days (or weeks) are better than others. You don't want to influence her to 'over-do'.

Your mom is blessed to have such a caring daughter. Best of luck.

Thanks MSgijo,

Yet again you've given me something to work with. My parents bought a travel bike in 2009, and did many trips all over Canada and the States. However, since my mom's diagnosis it slowly petered off. She can no longer get on the bike... So now my Dad whom loves his freedom feeling of riding the open highways has cut back significantly.

I have made plans to take my dad out... I actually convinced my family to drive to see me for easter. I'm hosting a dinner at my house (first time ever!). Which is going to allow me to take my Dad out for a night at a hockey game. The following weekend I am going to a retreat with my mom for quilting (my sister will be there as well).

I love the idea of showing up for some girls time, thus allowing my dad some downtime. And the idea of trying a new recipe or looking through some design magazines (my dad would hate that though, bringing more stuff inot the house hah). What other ideas are you keeping from me? hah

You've given me a lot to work with, I thank you for your input. I will heed your warning, as it is hard for me to read my mom some days. She puts on a pretty tough front. thank you thank you thank you

[msgijo]

Glad I could be of assistance.

That's great that they are coming to your house for the holiday. It's nice that you and your dad will be going out - that will give your mom 'permission' to rest some .

Other ideas? Your dad may could get involved with MS Bike rides?

Instead of decorating with useless dust-catchers, maybe new curtains / blinds? Or most everyone has shoe boxes or file folders full of old photos. Drag them out and get her to tell you the stories of each of them. Write names and dates (if known) on the back of them. Which is another decorating idea - get frames for the happiest or more 'important' ones and hang them. That would help take care of some clutter.

While you are getting rid of clutter go thru the closets and get rid of things that she can't / don't wear. Some items may be too difficult for her to put on.

Your mom makes me think of my grandmother. She was very ill the last 20 years of her life, but when anyone can to visit she put on a good front and said that everything was fine (so blatantly not). After my MS dx she and I suffered from a lot of common symptoms. I think that I was the only person she would admit to not feeling well to because she knew that I could identify.
Now you can't decide to, and lord knows that I hope you never do, develop MS. But your mom has to know that you empathize with her in some way to open up to you. You have looked at the symptoms of MS - now watch your mom and step in when you see her having problems.

I have only one more thought. Here is something that I would suggest - to anyone.
Have you guys ever talked about end of life decisions? Not a happy subject but in all honesty it is something that EVERYONE needs to do. My husband and I recently filled out healthcare power of attorney and living will forms. Difficult choices to consider, but every gets to die. I feel better knowing that my wishes are documented and that my husband and daughter don't have to face those choices.

And now I am out of suggestions.
OH - BTW dominoes was canceled today - NOT by me. Our 'score-keeper' came out and the three of us just sat around, ate and talked for a while. No dots - yay

Have a great holiday and good luck. Keep us updated on how things are going.