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I'M NO LONGER THE NICE ME?

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    I'M NO LONGER THE NICE ME?

    Hi all,

    I have SPMS with cognitive loss and all kinds of physical stuff, crippling fatigue, difficulty walking, numb hands, etc., etc. I get along well enough... except when I have to deal with people. Darn people.

    Since last summer I've had easy rage attacks at people. Yes, there was usually an underlying reason, but never before would I get angry or rage over such things. I was always nice and understanding.

    Now, one wrong move and KABOOM, I'm off. There's a clear, constant pattern emerging of things setting me off, and I am not enjoying being a jerk. It doesn't feel good.

    I had been on Zoloft for years, with great success, but last Spring I had to wean off of it because it was flipping me to the dark side, giving me horrible depression. The doctor tried a few other AD's on me but all I got was increased fatigue, vertigo, zombie-state, etc. So, we decided to go AD free. And I was going along fine for quite a while, but as my cognitive impairment increased some last year, my inability to cope with the world around me increased.

    I have uncharacteristically gone nuts on a brother-in-law (for horrible things he said, things I should have and previously would have just accepted as things he says), husband, store clerks, vet techs for my pets, you name them, I've hit them.

    I'm tired of going off and just want to feel peaceful and accepting again. Since the experiments with AD's did not work, I'm wondering if a small dose of Ativan might keep me under control.

    Looking for others with this experience.

    Thanks!

    #2
    that has got to be so hard, bless your heart

    i've been pretty depressed lately and seeing someone about it, meds don't work too well either. i've been rude and unsociable, when i'm usually outgoing and happy person.
    but that's only an inkling of what you're experiencing.
    i hate that you're going through this. it must be awful for you. i know how i feel when i've overreacted to relatively mild disagreements/ problems.
    how is everyone else taking it? i pray that you have an understanding family, at least DH, who realizes this isn't really you, but the meds & MonSter doing this.

    wish i could give you an answer on meds. i've tried plenty that don't work, so no help there.

    praying that you get the right help and are able to get back to yourself.

    take care & God bless ya!
    "All things are possible for those who believe." Jesus

    Comment


      #3
      Thank you, Pooh, for your understanding and sharing. I hope that you soon find relief from your depression.

      I have seen a counselor who declared that I am not depressed, and I agree with that assessment. I do as much as I can each and every day and remain interested and productive with my hobbies. That counselor did not prescribe but instead bounced it back to the Neuro, that I have what I'll call MS brain. Also my processing disorders make it very difficult for me to tolerate a lot of input of any kind--visual, auditory, etc. and that in some incidents it was over stimulation that caused me to blow.

      I don't know if the people around me understand this change, it is a process for all of us. When I went off on my brother in law it was horrid. Screaming, mental blow out, there may have been spittle involved. I don't ever want to feel that way again.

      I want to be nice again. I want to be me again, but I know that is not possible. Today my Neuro has recommended I take .5 mg of klonipin 2 times a day and see if that helps. I will do this, hoping that I'll stop hurting others. In my sewing room I have a plaque made for me by a friend several years ago. It reads "Kindness is my calling."

      When I consider all that I have lost, that kindness stands out as my greatest loss. Now all I want is to be a good listener, a silent and peaceful presence in the lives of those around me. I think this is the best gift I can give. And I believe this situation is at a point where the only way I can get there is with meds.

      That makes me sad, but hopeful that there is a way I can stop the madness and be the old me in a new form.

      Thank you for listening and caring. God Bless.

      Comment


        #4
        angry

        That's also how i feel angry at people with rage is not easy people don't understand

        Comment


          #5
          I take an AD (Remeron) and Ativan for dizziness. I think they both help me to stay calm because for a while there I was having spells like you are describing. I liked to throw things and boy was I good at it. Now I am very mellow and happy. Ask about the Ativan, it never hurts to ask.

          Take care
          Lisa
          Disabled RN with MS for 14 years
          SPMS EDSS 7.5 Wheelchair (but a racing one)
          Tysabri

          Comment


            #6
            Thank you all for so openly sharing your ugly parts.

            After a couple of days of Klonipin, which left me agitated as it wore off, the neuro switched me to Ativan. I feel like this will dull my sharp edge. I will use it as needed... Which means anytime I have to deal with anything.

            This disease required so many adjustments, physical, emotional, cognitive. And some times it requires a med to help us. Also I feel a need to be careful of the situations I put myself in. I can attend a party for a grand nephew for 45 minutes or so, after that all of the input makes my connecting wires cross and my temper flare at life. Although Ativan will help with this, I know I also will have to guard against situations that will set me off because of cognitive overload. A little pill can only do so much, and I want to live my life as the nice person that I've always been. If I have to be slightly sedated to be me, then I accept that.

            Comment


              #7
              Hi HereIAm,

              Originally posted by HereIAm
              After a couple of days of Klonipin, which left me agitated as it wore off, the neuro switched me to Ativan .
              0ther than Klonopin or Ativan, severe mood swings respond well to low doses of the anticonvulsant medication valproic acid (Depakote®). (NMSS)

              Ativan is not a drug I can take. I was given it during a hospital stay and it had the opposite effect of helping me feel calm. Instead, it made me even more anxious, and also gave a few hallucinations! http://www.drugs.com/ativan.html

              More information about anger can be found here:

              http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Sym...tional-Changes

              http://www.msfocus.org/article-detai...?articleID=415

              Best of luck ,
              Kimba

              “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ― Max Planck

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by 22cyclist View Post
                I take an AD (Remeron) and Ativan for dizziness. I think they both help me to stay calm because for a while there I was having spells like you are describing. I liked to throw things and boy was I good at it. Now I am very mellow and happy. Ask about the Ativan, it never hurts to ask.

                Take care
                Lisa
                Lisa,

                With all you've been through, it's nice to see your beautiful smile!
                Kimba

                “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ― Max Planck

                Comment


                  #9
                  I too am missing my old me. What I've heard all my life is " oh Teri, your so nice". I don't hear that anymore. I still try so hard to be that kind, caring loving person, but it's work. I also never know when I'll explode. My husband has noticed that when there is too much stimulus going on around me I get anxious and quick to anger. I used to be the one who wanted to be in the middle of everything, the more people, noise energy etc. Calm and quiet is best for me and those around me now. Let's talk patience, what's that anymore? Missing the old me so much.
                  T.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I saw that this thread I started years ago has been reborn with new info and guests. Sorry that the anger bug hits us the way it does.

                    Since my original post I have improved a lot in the anger department. How? I keep my mouth shut. That's it, I've learned to keep my mouth shut and at the same time stay away from triggers (like my sister). It took a lot of practice to get where I am now. At first, I just had to walk away, and whether or not that made sense in the moment, I did it. It felt so good. Then I learned to keep my mouth shut. And, now I know very well what things are going to make me blow, so I just don't go near them.

                    It works. I've not snapped out in a while.

                    Comment

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