I keep wishing for relapse???

[sarawarden]

It is strange I know but I hope that someone can relate... I think all the time about if I could handle a relapse. I was originally diagnosed when I was 15 (15 years ago next week). My first relapse (leg numbness and tingling) which brought on my diagnosis and then a second relapse (optic neuritis) about 4 years ago. I have had a lot of time between relapses and have fully recovered. I have a pretty healthy lifestyle only issues are due to med side effects . Which most people would think that is amazing! And so do I... But I constantly question can I really handle a relapse. It is almost as if I feel like a am not able to relate to everyone else with MS. I feel like my MS is not as bad so I don't have anything to compare to. Also everything that changes or is happening to my body I don't know if it is MS related or not. I just think... is this tingling in my hand because I am having a relapse or just because I sat all day at the computer and have a over used my hands.

I am not sure if is fear or anxiety but I constantly think... could I survive on my own if I had a relapse. Can I handle the problems that I see with people on the street or the internet or papers or tv or movies. I guess that I want to know how it feels to have relapse. I know that is really bad and I should never hope for that. I am sure I will regret these thoughts later on in life when I do have serious problems.

Can any one relate to this?

[AriD]

I can relate to the feelings of "is this symptom caused by MS or something else" but never the hope for a relapse to see how I would handle it. The unknown of this disease is very scary and worrying about what's to come is always on my mind though. And if I'll be able to cope with it. As things get worse now, I worry a lot.
After my diagnosis and a few years of relapses, I had several quiet years. I also felt like I couldn't relate to the disease or people suffering with it. I had myself convinced I didn't have it despite the symptoms I had. But it reared its ugly head a few years ago and I unfortunately can relate too well now.
Hopefully MS will stay quiet for you.

[TinaP303]

Hi Sarawarden.
No, it's really strange to wonder how you'll handle a relapse. Or, if it is, I'm just as strange. My story is similar to yours, but a much shorter timeline, only 3 yrs. Let's hope that we keep wondering how we'd handle a relapse for a long, long time.

[msgijo]

Hi Sarawarden. I can relate to parts of your post.

I was dx'ed over 20 years ago, and have been very lucky. I can still walk pretty much unaided (not pretty at times) and drive myself (MOST times). I don't need help with most ADLs. Some vision problems but don't normally wear glasses unless I am reading. So yeah I get it that I don't quite fit here sometimes.

Like when I posted that after I spent a couple of hours working in the yard and that I was wiped out for over a day. Whining that I couldn't still do everything that I did in the past. And there are others here that cant even get into their yards much less work outside for a couple of hours.

BUT I have to tell the truth here - every time I see the title of this post I have to smile. It reminds me of something that happened with my husband. May I tell the story?

I had a dog when he met me - an old bad tempered lap dog that loved me. DH decided that he wanted one too. He was always saying how much he wished that he had a lap dog. So my daughter got him one for his birthday. Oh he was so happy. And the puppy (Banjo) wouldn't have anything to do with me at first. He had a lap dog for about a week.
But since dh works and I stay home (and feed the animals and let them out and love them all day) Banjo decided that I was the ALPHA and started following me around all the time. He became my other lap dog, then when my old dog died he really did become MY dog

So dh started again "I wish I had a lap dog". Well my uncle's next door neighbor was getting rid of some small, house-trained, neutered/spayed dogs, and asked if I knew anyone that wanted them. I took Banjo with me and he picked out "Lucy". Now Lucy is a cuddle dog. She LOVES to be petted. ALL the time. She DEMANDS it.

So now dh finally has his lap dog. And Lucy drives him crazy. She is always jumping in his lap, and begging for attention. She wants to go EVERYWHERE with him. Both of the dogs are jealous. Banjo has decided that Lucy cant have all the love so he will jump up in dh's lap when Lucy is there - then he has two lap dogs. And they both have white fur - so it is very easy for total strangers to know that he has a dog. He learned very quickly to be careful of what he wishes for. Cause he just might get it.

I, for one, hope that you don't have to face a terrible relapse for many years, but know that we do what we have to do. You will make it thru it. You said that you have a pretty healthy lifestyle - that's great! Keep it up. Keep learning all you can about MS but don't let it consume you. Make a list of symptoms that are concerning you and and let your neuro decide if they are MS or not.
Take care.

[sarawarden]

Thank you for your all your helpful words. It honestly helped just by putting my feelings in words. It makes me feel better that I can at least say my thoughts "out loud". I am still going to think these things. Especially when I see someone with a cane or in a wheelchair .... do they have MS? could that be me one day? I know that I should be careful what I wish for, but you cant always help it.

[cptmelissa]

I can totally relate

I don't really "wish" for a relapse. I was diagnosed last year with a very mild case (1-2/10) of MS. But while I still have fatigue and vibrations, those really are the only symptoms I have been having. And the fatigue has gotten better since I have been on Copaxone for 10 months. So it is almost like I feel like a fraud, like I don't really have MS because my symptoms have gotten better. I'm not sure I am explaining it well. But I think I can totally relate.