I don't think I can handle this

[Phoenix1991]

Here I lay in bed, on Christmas Eve, contemplating ending my life. In my early years I wished I could sleep the entire day and wake up with the toys under the tree. Not anymore. Now I wish I would wake up healthy.

I have tried in vain to get people to understand that the nerves in my leg demyelinate in heat or after exercise to no avail. Why does my leg feel numb in heat? No one that I talked to knows. The emergency room neurologist said it could be related to demyelination, but no one else has made a big deal of it, not even the multiple sclerosis doctor.*
Yet, it must be MS. That one brain lesion? Is it too far-fetched to suggest that that and my urinary problems might all be related. But no, says the neurologist, the lesion is too small to be causing those problems. And yet people with primary progressive ms have very few if any MS lesions on their brain. For them, it is all cell death. The MRI never changes for them, the cells just die early. No inflammation.

But I don't have PPMS? I'm too young apparently. I don't walk with any funny gait. So why is my leg worse in the heat? Tell me! This is not a somatoform disorder, there is no way that I made up the sensation of pins and needles in my mind when I walk outside into the cold. Those are the nerves reconnecting.

Unfortunately it is not relapsing MS. I am not a lucky man. There are no markers to suggest that it is. No enhancing lesions. No feeling of exacerbation. I will be in a wheelchair soon enough. The rain pours outside. I wish there was a chance to start life over. This one is finished.

No one believes the boy who cried wolf. The boy who wanted love and friends but found none. I am alone. I wish I was strong enough to carry such an awful burden, but I am not.*
There is no treatment for PPMS. Your axons die, then you die. It's a neurodegenerative disease, much like Alzheimer's.*

I'm only 23, for Christ's sake. I wanted a family and a daughter but now i will be lucky to be walking in a few years. I can't believe all the pain and struggle I went through in high school and college ended in this dark, miserable path. I wish God would save me. I wish he would really badly.*

My sin was carrying my stress and anxiety inside of me for so long. That probably messed up my brain in so many ways. I'm sorry God.*

I will most likely end my life. That is such a selfish act, and I will miss my parents. And my only friend.

I hope there is a Heaven and that god forgives me and I can raise a family there and find love and be a dad. But not here.*
Goodbye

Phoenix - if you are contemplating suicide, even if only for an instant, you should call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 Professionals that can help are available 24/7. PLEASE call! It's free and 100% confidential.

Note from Seasha - who cares about your wellbeing!

[hlburke87]

Please Phoenix1991 do not take your life. I am going through this same struggle. I still have to have my MRI's read by a second nero/radiologist because the first guy was a quake. I really feel your pain when they say they don't know what's going on. Please ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please just have hope that things will get better. I am rooting for you!

hlburke87

[SNOOPY]

Hi Phoenix1991,

At this time you do not have a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. Having one anomaly (lesion) show up on a brain MRI doesn't necessarily indicate MS.

Multiple Sclerosis = Multiple = many -- Sclerosis = scaring. At this time you have one(1) lesion which does not equate to Multiple (Sclerosis). Not all lesions on MRI means Multiple Sclerosis. There are many different reasons a person could have a lesion show up on MRI.

people with primary progressive ms have very few if any MS lesions on their brain.

I have had MS diagnosed for almost 30 years with symptoms that go back to childhood. This disease has pretty much left my brain alone. The damage this disease has done is on the spinal cord.

I was diagnosed as Relapsing/Remitting NOT Primary Progressive.

This is not a somatoform disorder, there is no way that I made up the sensation of pins and needles in my mind when I walk outside into the cold.

If you have been diagnosed with a Somatoform Disorder your symptoms are very real, it just wouldn't be due to MS.

Those are the nerves reconnecting.

No, Phoenix1991.

Those of us with MS can be heat intolerant, cold intolerant or both. This process does not mean our nerves reconnect, although that would be nice.

There is no treatment for PPMS. Your axons die, then you die. It's a neurodegenerative disease, much like Alzheimer's.*

Multiple Sclerosis is nothing like Alzheimer's.

The diagnostic criteria for Primary Progressive MS:
http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Wha...Progressive-MS

The urinary tract is the specialty of a Urologist. If you have not been to a Urologist about your urinary problems please do so.

I would like to stress the importance of seeking the help and guidance of the Mental Health Professional. This would be beneficial in helping you cope with what ever diagnosis you may receive. This is also for your own safety and welfare.

Take care and Merry Christmas

[zoysia]

Please Phoenix1991, tell me about your leg pain. I believe I can and do understand what you are going through, but need more information from you to confirm. I also believe that most of us here, on these boards, understand exactly what you are going through. We know the pain. We know the frustration of trying to explain ourselves in words that others understand, but even then the others (family, friends, doctors, etc.) just don't "get it" and we suffer because of that. We know the exasperation of trying and trying and trying to no avail, then just throwing our hands up into the air giving up knowing that no matter what we say or do, "they" just will never understand.

So, please, tell me about your leg and how it gets numb in the heat. Does it hurt in the kind of way where it's burning? Just tingling, pin pricking? Is it hurting in your foot? Ankle? Up the calf to your knee? Does it hurt in your thigh? Just one side? How hot does it have to get to trigger this numbness?

I'd like to know. So, please tell me so that I can compare your pain to that which I'm feeling in my leg. Recently, about two days ago, my one leg, left side, out of nowhere and completely of its own mind sent the most horrible of shocking pain from my thigh to my toes, left side, for no reason than I was playing my computer video game, sitting quietly in my chair here. Excruciating pain, but it passed after about 5 minutes. I have no idea where it came from but for some MS-stuff going on in my head over these last few months.

Maybe you know something about this kind of pain. If you do, please share it.

God bless you. The information you give just might help me figure this out. And maybe we both will feel better.

[Mamabug]

Phoenix - I echo what Seasha urges. You have posted, multiple times, on the board, regarding your extreme situation.

We have responded with suggestions and encouragement. But, we are not there. And, even if we were, we cannot make you do anything that you do not decide, of your own free will, to do.

I am glad that you continue to post. First and foremost, of course, it re-assures me that you have not carried out your plan.

But, secondly, and, also very important, it shows that, in reality, although you are contemplating suicide, you do not really desire to end your life. Or, you would have. You desire assistance.

Please call the National Suicide Hotline, as Seasha suggests.

Tomorrow is Christmas Day. I look forward to reading a post from you that will tell us that you have made the call, and that you now have hope that things are looking up. What better Christmas gift could you give yourself and all of those who care about you?

Warmest thoughts,
Faith

Phoenix - if you are contemplating suicide, even if only for an instant, you should call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 Professionals that can help are available 24/7. PLEASE call! It's free and 100% confidential.

[Kimba22]

Hi Phoenix,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down, and are feeling even more discouraged since you saw the MS Specialist. I can't say whether you have MS or not, or even what type you may have. Only a neurologist would be qualified to determine that.

What we all can do is offer you our support, understanding, and knowledge. We can also help walk you through the diagnostic process, and point you in the direction of symptomatic management (you don't even need a MS dx). I only hope you'll give us all a chance. There are so many members here who would be more than willing to do that! (And just so you know, there are even different spectrums of PPMS, ranging from mild to severe.)

I know you don't believe this right now. But, you are also early enough in this game if it is indeed MS. Early enough to benefit from current treatment or new ones still in the pipeline.

I know you are scared. It's entirely understandable! All of us have been there. Or are there right now. And many of us have been in the same dark place you find yourself now. (I have been one of them and managed to get the right help just in time.) But, there is still hope on the other side. Please don't give up.

There are advances happening all the time with MS research. One of the most exciting going on right now is remylinating the nerves. Not all that long ago it wasn't even considered a possibility. Now it is and several different compounds are in clinical trials right now. The one in stage 2 clinical trials is called Anti-lingo. Once they can do that, it will stop MS in it's tracks and halt any further destruction/ progression. Whatever damage that may have already been done will also improve, because nerve signals will once again be able to travel again down those nerve pathways.

The other is stem cell research. The ones showing exciting promise right now for MS are mesenchymal and neural stem cells. (In fact, both were just used back to back on a legendary hockey player, Gordie Howe, who had suffered a major stroke with miraculous results! I can't imagine the possible implications this may have for repairing neurons and restoring function in MS as well.)

They are also getting closer to figuring out how to test potential MS therapies in a petri dish. They'd basically clone human MS cells and use them to determine whether a therapy was effective or not in MS. That would be huge. No more waiting until potential therapies went through years of clinical trials. They are also looking at ways to repair any damage that has already occurred. Great news to the ears of anyone with progressive MS.

Please do whatever you need to so you can climb out of the despair you are in right now. Call the number Seasha and Mamabug provided for starters. Then, seek out some professional help and don't give up trying to find out what is wrong until you have answers! Only then can you can receive proper treatment, to hopefully turn things around. It would be even more devastating to your loved ones if you took your own life and then, after an autopsy (required for any suspicious death), whatever is going on turned out to be no where near as bad as you had thought it was.

And as you've been reading this, you might be thinking I don't have progressive MS. I do. Or it can't be that bad or that I have a lot of understanding and support from people surrounding me. Neither is true. No one gets it, not even the doctors. Just tonight someone close to me (who should've known better) said something stupid and very hurtful. But I still wake up and fight this every day. I'm no one special and never thought I could handle this, either. But, I've found I can. You can, too!

Please hang in there. God's not ready for you yet! Please keep coming back and asking questions or just sharing your fears or concerns. We are all here for you and care.

[hunterd]

Phoenix, we're all in the same boat. The only people that understand what you were going through are those of us who had gone through the same thing. Many of us have had the same thoughts as you, but we are still here providing strength to others so that they can continue on. The fight that you are going through is a hard one and it is not won in one quick stroke. You need to fight tooth and nail to overcome this, and I know that you can do it!
As was already mentioned, the researchers are trying many different things and I believe with all my heart that they will stop MS in my lifetime!
I think that you have much more to look forward to since you are so young! They may stumble upon a cure next week for all we know. The main point I am trying to make is that the pros ( living) far outweigh the cons ( dying). Please call one of those numbers listed above, or maybe talk to a clergyman or a good friend or relative. Talk to anyone. I believe in you, and I think you will pull out of this situation you are in.

[Mamabug]

Saying a special prayer for you today, Phoenix. I repeat my urging to call the Suicide Hotline. If it's simpler for you, even just call 911 and they will put you in touch with someone who can help you.

I will be checking back, as I can, and when I am home today. I pray that I will hear that you have sought help.

The Lord is my Shepherd. And, the Lord is your Shepherd. He wants to hold you in His arms. He wants to find you when you are lost and comfort you in your depression. He wants you to be whole again.

(((hugs)))

[Cordelia22]

Could you please contact me? I'm 22 and I have one lesion in the exact same place as you, I have weakness in my right arm and leg. Please message me because no one is listening to me

[choco]

I'm no one special

Yes you are 😊😊

[pennstater]

Phoenix - keeping you in prayers. If you are out there, please just let us know you are, even if you don't post anything but that.

I know when we don't have answers, fear of the unknown and our future can sometimes be overwhelming, leading us to see only the worst case. I pray you reached out for help.