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    Baa Humbug

    Well here we are in the most 'glorious' time of the year.
    I remember that I was once one of those all into Christmas people, but I just don't have the energy anymore. Too bad my family refuses to see it.

    Big family dinner scheduled for Christmas eve (50+ people). Gifts will be exchanged. So, as my mothers oldest child (and only daughter) it falls on me to make her plans happen. And oh, she called today and had another eccentric plan for me to do for decorations.
    I spend months trying to find gifts for everyone - all the people that I see twice a year max. Then spent a week or more wrapping everything. And here we are days away. Instead of resting up for the not enjoyable to me occasion I will be busy all this week too..

    Had a dentist appointment this morning so I got up and had my coffee. Then fed up and got ready to venture out. In the misty rain. After dentist I had to go shopping for a few items I need for my part of meal preparation for Wednesday, and had to stop for feed for my chickens before heading home. But that isn't the end for today. I still had to get chicken feed out to the bins (in the rain). I am taking a break now before I start baking. Need to make a cake and some cookies today so that I can finish the other items tomorrow.

    Then Christmas eve (the big day) arrives. I load up food and gifts and drive 30 miles to place we rent for the family get together. Of course I have to arrive early enough to set up the tables and get the decorations out. And as I watch everyone file in (too many of them empty-handed) I question every time why I am suspose to enjoy this?
    And lets not forget the aftermath. SOMEBODY has to stick around until others are gone (carrying bags of gifts and 3 to-go boxes each) and clean up. Then I will have to load up the car again and drive home in the dark.

    My DD may or may not bring the grandchildren over that nite for their gifts from grandma.

    Then on Christmas day it is time to go to my husbands family for their Holiday thing. At least there will be a much smaller crowd there and I don't have to cook and haul food for that one.

    I so dread this every year. If the past is any indication then I will be wiped out until the new year..
    One of my brothers always goes up to my husband and asks how I am doing. DH always just tells him that I have good days and bad days. If he were so concerned don't you think he would ask me? So I could tell him that this is just too much - for me and his mother!

    #2
    I am tired just reading this! I hope you are able to get some much needed (and deserved) rest afterwards 50+ people i just had sensory overload!!!!
    is there a quiet place you can "escape" to there? that is what i do at our family gatherings (much smaller than yours).
    hunterd/HuntOP/Dave
    volunteer
    MS World
    hunterd@msworld.org
    PPMS DX 2001

    "ADAPT AND OVERCOME" - MY COUSIN

    Comment


      #3
      Time for a change

      msjigo: Everybody is accustomed to your doing all the work. They're concerned about your MS but only theoretically, not enough to really pitch in. And you want to keep your life, the one where you can make the holidays magical for huge groups of people. It wouldn't make you happier if you were forced to give it up and step back.

      Here's what I propose: next year, do just that. Stop because you decide to, not because you have to. Explain that you're not doing well physically, and others will have to figure it out that year. I'm not saying that's what you should do every year from now on, I'm asking you to do it once. I picture the bossy relatives taking over, failing to work cooperatively, and everything being sort of a train wreck. Or they realize what a giant effort it is, feel bad they let you do so much of it and things improve--you should have done it sooner. Or something else entirely. Whatever--you must resist the urge to make things right! The kids' lives won't come to an end if they just get a gift card. Do what's easy and stress-free.

      Let it all happen, don't stage-manage or help, and then decide what you want to do the following year. You've gotten into a tradition that doesn't work for you anymore. You should decide your own fate. Don't let others decide for you. Let go, just for one year.

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by msgijo View Post
        Well here we are in the most 'glorious' time of the year.
        I remember that I was once one of those all into Christmas people, but I just don't have the energy anymore. Too bad my family refuses to see it.

        Big family dinner scheduled for Christmas eve (50+ people). Gifts will be exchanged. So, as my mothers oldest child (and only daughter) it falls on me to make her plans happen.
        Wow - I am exhausted just envisioning this too!! Where is your husband when all the shopping, loading up presents, setting up and cleaning up happens???

        I used to try and do it all myself (and hold down a job too), until I couldn't do it anymore. My husband, even though he works, pitches in more and more each year.

        You probably can't change things this year, but why don't you try to delegate responsibilities for next year? There's no reason why your brother and others shouldn't help - most times people are delighted to help and gives them a sense of satisfaction! Some could come early to help set up, others to put up decorations, set the plates, etc. and others could stay to clean up.

        And I hope this is a potluck!

        As for gifts, I can't even imagine shopping for 50 people!! Try getting Visa (or others) gift certificates - is such an easy way to go. It might not be personal, but they will likely spend it on something they will want or need. A gift exchange is also a great idea.

        Good luck and hang in there! I hope you can find some quiet moments to relax. Maybe when it's all over!
        1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
        Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

        Comment


          #5
          Thanks all.
          I guess I was kinda having sensory overload when I was posting - just thinking about it all . I did finish what I intended to do yesterday so that was all good. Over the years I have found the need to do things in stages, over long periods of time.

          There have been some changes over the years. I absolutely refuse to do a big dinner both Thanksgiving AND Christmas, so now the 'meal' is on thanksgiving and we have finger foods for Christmas. And yeah the older ones - mom, aunt and brothers, as well as my DD bring food.

          And for the gifts I get for my parents. my aunt and uncle, my brothers and spouses and my cousin. I also buy something for the nieces and nephews up to age 12. There is one exception - I have one nephew who makes an effort to interact with me throughout the year that is over 12, so I gift him.
          I actually did give gift cards last year. I saw some really cute 'take out menu' boxes and grabbed several. Then I purchased gift cards for a couple of different popular food places to put in the boxes. Of course , being me, I simply had to 'complete' the gift by visiting several establishments and picking up 'take out menus' to stuff in the boxes...

          And DH does his part too. He seems to always be scheduled to work 2nd shift (4 PM - midnight) on holidays. But even though the place we rent is 30 miles from our house in one direction and he works 20 miles from our house in complete opposite direction he still always helps me load then drives to event, helps unload and set up and stays as long as he can before leaving to go to work.
          And I totally appreciated that he came up with a brilliant idea for his family and about half of mine this year - even ordered it online for me.

          Aqua 10 - You are correct that I do want to make things magical - especially for the kids. And doing events has always been something that I enjoyed and was good at. But I am really still doing this for my mothers sake. Both my DD and I have already informed her that when she passes this is over! Several years ago I did take a year off. I was going thru a divorce and was NOT in a holiday mood! Didn't call and didn't show. And I have never had anyone say anything to me about it - at all.

          My uncle finally figured out this past Thanksgiving that things didn't just magically happen. He was the one with the key and when he was informed that he had to show up at least an hour ahead of time he couldn't understand - until he saw everything i did before anyone else arrived .
          I agree that somebody has to step up. Not real sure of the solution but will definitely speak to some people this year and see if I cant get some of this off of me and my mother.

          Hunterd, Normally I just go outside where it is cooler and quieter for a while. But this year it is suppose to be raining so that may not work. At least I always park close to entrance, so if I HAVE to escape I can always go sit in my car.

          Hey, 12-26 is only a few days away. Then I have all year to recoup ...

          Comment


            #6
            Hi Humbug.

            Just take care of yourself this season. Choose what to say yes to and what to say no too. Ask for help, when you need it.

            I've found that, when I do this in a friendly way, family respects that I have a disability, and they are more than willing to accommodate.

            Please do not feel guilty when you ask. You do not feel guilty for taking your MS medications.

            This is simply a health maintenance strategy, as that is. You may end up in an MS flare if you are stressed. It will be easier for both you and them if you stay healthy in the first place, instead of having to wait for the flare to pass.

            You'd be much less use to them then.
            ~ Faith
            MSWorld Volunteer -- Moderator since JUN2012
            (now a Mimibug)

            Symptoms began in JAN02
            - Dx with RRMS in OCT03, following 21 months of limbo, ruling out lots of other dx, and some "probable stroke" and "probable CNS" dx for awhile.
            - In 2008, I was back in limbo briefly, then re-dx w/ MS: JUL08
            .

            - Betaseron NOV03-AUG08; Copaxone20 SEPT08-APR15; Copaxone40 APR15-present
            - Began receiving SSDI / LTD NOV08. Not employed. I volunteer in my church and community.

            Comment


              #7
              Whew. Another year done. I even got home before dark .

              DH decided to take the day off from work to make sure that I had help and to make sure that I was okay.

              And I found my replacement. My cousins fiance was a great help during thanksgiving and today also. So I asked her if she would work with me for a year or so and then take over, and she was happy to be included

              Everyone must have seen that this is getting to be too much because I had more help today than I can remember ever having. It will take a while for them to let me go - I think - because everyone was still asking me which dish to use for what, where things were suppose to go, and asking my approval of every little detail. When I told my cousin that I was 'training' a replacement, and who it was, he said Good! And that it was about time that somebody stepped up to help.

              It seems that as my mothers grandchildren get 'of age' they are dropping out. There were far fewer people there today (and at thanksgiving also) than there were in the past. I realize that the dinners are a way for her to see her kids and grandchildren at least twice a year, and feel bad for her that it looks like in a few years the only people there will be her and her children. But at the same time I know that she is not in much better shape than I am, and it is time to do something different. I talked to her yesterday and suggested that she visit one of her children - at their homes - one holiday a year. There are enough holidays for everyone to have a turn to 'host' her yearly.
              Of course she didn't even want to talk about that!

              All in all it went well. I only had to escape once and it had stopped raining at that time.
              Now all that is left is tomorrow with DH family and grandchildren over on Sat for their gifts.

              But I wanted to thank everyone for their suggestions, and for telling me that I didn't need to feel guilty because it had simply become too much for me.

              Comment


                #8
                I'm so glad it went well for you!

                That was a great idea to call for a replacement and of course they will want your advice. You have set an excellent example and now you can be the director!

                Enjoy Christmas with your DH's family tomorrow
                1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
                Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

                Comment


                  #9
                  Thanks again. here is hoping that everyone had a nice, relaxing and happy Christmas.

                  One good thing about my 'replacement' - we have the same first name, so nobody will have to remember to change the name they call out to for 'instructions' on how to do things .

                  DH's family is even more dysfunctional that mine but we had a pretty good time. I actually had conversations with MIL and his sister .
                  It is always helpful to know something about people when trying to pick out gifts, and now I know a little more about them .

                  now on to another new - improved? - year.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Yes; on to a new, improved year. Glad things went well for you.

                    And, yeah. Just remember that advice for the future. Do not, ever, feel guilty for saying "no" if it reduces your stress. It is a health maintenance strategy.
                    ~ Faith
                    MSWorld Volunteer -- Moderator since JUN2012
                    (now a Mimibug)

                    Symptoms began in JAN02
                    - Dx with RRMS in OCT03, following 21 months of limbo, ruling out lots of other dx, and some "probable stroke" and "probable CNS" dx for awhile.
                    - In 2008, I was back in limbo briefly, then re-dx w/ MS: JUL08
                    .

                    - Betaseron NOV03-AUG08; Copaxone20 SEPT08-APR15; Copaxone40 APR15-present
                    - Began receiving SSDI / LTD NOV08. Not employed. I volunteer in my church and community.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Another year of my family get-togethers is over . Tomorrow at in-laws wont be bad at all - a much smaller crowd and I just have to show up and eat .

                      My 'replacement' has NOT turned out so well, but at least my brothers and their wives are helping out more. And as more and more of the nieces and nephews get older and 'drop out' there is less of a crowd, and the ones that attend are mature enough that all things seem to go simpler.
                      While I feel bad for my mother's sake maybe she will realize that it is time for her to slow down - yeah I know, I am just now figuring that out for me.

                      I still have the memories of when my children were small and Christmas was magical. I have to admit that it hasn't been the same since they grew up. But thanks to the replies I got to my rant last year I was able to step back a little this year and just let it be. It turned out well. I think that all left happy (and full). So again I say THANKS. You guys are the best .

                      Wishing all a Happy Holiday Season .

                      Comment


                        #12
                        It was helpful for me that you posted on last year's thread, so we could read about how things had improved somewhat.

                        But continue to remember the advice for next year, and learn to say no to more. You gave the disability. Others should begin make Christmas magical for you.
                        ~ Faith
                        MSWorld Volunteer -- Moderator since JUN2012
                        (now a Mimibug)

                        Symptoms began in JAN02
                        - Dx with RRMS in OCT03, following 21 months of limbo, ruling out lots of other dx, and some "probable stroke" and "probable CNS" dx for awhile.
                        - In 2008, I was back in limbo briefly, then re-dx w/ MS: JUL08
                        .

                        - Betaseron NOV03-AUG08; Copaxone20 SEPT08-APR15; Copaxone40 APR15-present
                        - Began receiving SSDI / LTD NOV08. Not employed. I volunteer in my church and community.

                        Comment

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