Rude family

[lstrl]

As some of you may know, I work for my dad at the family business with my two brothers. It seems like I've always got an appt for something, between going for regular neuro follow ups, getting new MRIs, regular pcp visits to work on getting the right antidepressant and dose, and I've had a couple eye appts to get my double vision on the way to corrected. I always let my family know whenever an appt is made.

I had two appts this week, and when I went to tell my dad I was leaving yesterday for the last one, he yelled at me in front of a customer how I've always got something and how I shouldn't even work! He was the one who forced me into it! I actually can't even handle it with my constant fatigue, but I live with it because I have no other choice. Then, any time I miss a day or have an appt, my dad and brothers are always making comments about how easy I have it and how I never do any work. I am so angry and frustrated right now, I refused to go in today. I've got enough to deal with and that just made things ten times worse.

Clearly nothing I do or say will ever make them understand my situation. I've given up because it'll just never happen. Going elsewhere isn't an option either because I'd never be able to keep a job (or get one for that matter, nobody would hire me when I was looking). I just don't know what to do anymore. Between dealing with the MS to putting up with family drama, I've gotten to the point where I just don't care about anything anymore. There are so many nights that I go to bed and wish I wouldn't wake up. What are you supposed to do when you get to that point? I have no idea what I can do to even attempt to make things a little better.

[palmtree]

Do you live with them, too? If they have to support you they should be grateful you are contributing to the family business.

Do they pay you out of payroll like any employee? If they do, they have to take out SSDI. My thought is that, if you could get SSDI, you would have some freedom. It's not enough to rent your own apartment but maybe a room in a house.

It could give you some bargaining power and maybe help them wake up to the fact that you've been diagnosed with a very disabling illness.

I hope you can find an escape. Abuse from an employer is not ok. Abuse from family is not ok. When they are one and the same, it's unconscionable.

[lstrl]

No, I don't live with them. The problem with that though is I only get paid enough to pay monthly recurring bills, not including my house payment, so last month my dad had to make that for me. I could never sell my house either because I'm in a brand new neighborhood where they're still building and it would never sell when someone could just have one built. Back when I was completely on my own, none of this was an issue because I had plenty of money to pay everything and contribute to savings. Sadly, the ms took all that away from me and I cleared out my savings and IRA.

I applied for SSDI and had an alj hearing almost two months ago, but I haven't heard back yet. If I get approved, all will be just fine and I will have a lot of leverage when he pulls this crap, but if I get denied again, I have no idea what I'm going to do. Of course, any time that gets brought up, my dad has to make comments on how I'm milking the system because I'm not disabled. My attorney painted a picture to them at the hearing that got the job lady (can't think of that title right now) to say I wouldn't be able to work, and everything she said is exactly how it is for me. I hope that means an approval is coming, but I'm just sitting and waiting.

My mom will get on my dad when he gets too carried away sometimes, but then yesterday it sounded like she was siding with him, saying they need me and she doesn't have the money to pay my bills if I don't work. I understand that and I don't want handouts to provide for me the rest of my life, but is it really too much to ask for to not deal with abuse every time I'm having a bad day and don't have the energy to come in or I've got yet another appt? As often as it has happened, he should know this by now, but of course, he has to say I'm faking it. If that was the case, then how did I always hold a job with good attendance back before all this happened? I actually find it worse calling in and putting family in a bind, but I guess he doesn't believe that.

Sorry for the long rant, it's just hard when you're dealing with someone who refuses to see reality. I guess that's a risk when most symptoms are invisible (I'm never standing long enough for him to see the weakness that's always there). He has seen it when I was at my worst, so because of that, he thinks I'm doing really well now. I wish that were the case, but this disease has just enough hold on me that it tends to ruin everything.

[poppydarling]

" The problem with that though is I only get paid enough to pay monthly recurring bills, not including my house payment..."

On top of the abuse, your family doesn't pay you a living wage?! Do you work full-time for them?

I agree with everything palmtree posted. Take the idea that they are family (so-called) out of it — is this behavior tolerable by anybody in your life, most of all an employer? They are actually violating the ADA law from what you described.

I think you urgently need to find a counselor or pastor or a trusted person to talk out your options and get the support you deserve. The MS Society can definitely help you find someone in your area, and there are many counselors who work on sliding scale (I saw a social worker at a local religious nonprofit for about $10 a session). You can call the United Way at 211 or visit their website and tell them what you need – they are connected to hundreds of social services in areas across the country, and they are all provided free.

Don't give up on advocating for yourself, and don't stop believing that you deserve better, because you do. I have a family very similar to yours, and the only answer for me was to move out of their lives. I had to accept that they would never change but that I would not continue to accept their abuse.

[Dale76]

As some of you may know, I work for my dad at the family business with my two brothers. It seems like I've always got an appt for something, between going for regular neuro follow ups, getting new MRIs, regular pcp visits to work on getting the right antidepressant and dose, and I've had a couple eye appts to get my double vision on the way to corrected. I always let my family know whenever an appt is made.

I had two appts this week, and when I went to tell my dad I was leaving yesterday for the last one, he yelled at me in front of a customer how I've always got something and how I shouldn't even work! He was the one who forced me into it! I actually can't even handle it with my constant fatigue, but I live with it because I have no other choice. Then, any time I miss a day or have an appt, my dad and brothers are always making comments about how easy I have it and how I never do any work. I am so angry and frustrated right now, I refused to go in today. I've got enough to deal with and that just made things ten times worse.

Clearly nothing I do or say will ever make them understand my situation. I've given up because it'll just never happen. Going elsewhere isn't an option either because I'd never be able to keep a job (or get one for that matter, nobody would hire me when I was looking). I just don't know what to do anymore. Between dealing with the MS to putting up with family drama, I've gotten to the point where I just don't care about anything anymore. There are so many nights that I go to bed and wish I wouldn't wake up. What are you supposed to do when you get to that point? I have no idea what I can do to even attempt to make things a little better.

Next time your family talks to you like that in front of a customer just reply back:

"You seem to forget I have MS and remember you forced me to work here!"

I bet that would embarrass your dad pretty good and make him think twice about making more comments. The customer might even tell him off if your lucky.

I agree with the others that you should try to find a better situation ASAP.

[kelm10]

family

You are right they will never understand what you are going through.

It will just be a constant time of reminding them of what your symptoms are. They will probably never get it, even with that, and it gets tireing having to tell them.

My husband has made comments before that I am on vacation. Nothing new with his personality. I do not even rise or respond to comments like that anymore.

Good luck with your family and the results from SSDI. Been there, too. When you do work "part time" it really does throw a monkey wrench into SSDI, but, they, too, will never get it either.

What we would all not give to be able to be back to before the MS diagnosis. To not have to live with this, but, we do.

Chin up, know that you are not milking the system. If you were not disabled, then you would not be leaving work for appointments or not coming in when they treat you the way they did.

I said the other day to a co-worker that I think that all adults should be made mandatory that they live in another person's (someone diagnosed with a chronic illness) shoes for one week. I think that their attitude would be much more forth coming. And, they should have to repeat that week yearly to remind them what it is like.

I am glad that some organizations are teaching the youth how it is. The boy scouts organization is one of them. They often hold disability awareness segments for the youth. I have been impressed with what they have been teaching the boys.

[Goldfinch]

...when I went to tell my dad I was leaving yesterday for the last one, he yelled at me in front of a customer...There are so many nights that I go to bed and wish I wouldn't wake up. What are you supposed to do when you get to that point?

Turn that frown upside down. The next time you get blamed by Dad for being sick, remind him that research has shown there is a genetic component to the condition, and that he obviously is partly responsible for the mess he made and that he should feel bad. Do this in a dispassionate, matter of fact voice. He will feel bad.

[sassycatsms1]

re- rude family

hi diffrent situation but here to . and drama oh my and when i saw the post my heart felt drop it hit home . some my family dont get it either i do think there is alot of us .just dont really know how to say it . and not know how to not feel bad about dont know if that made sense or not but thank you and hugs to all