Sounds like crap to me.

[there]

Sounds like crap to me too and I would also say hurry up and do what is right for you as life is short. Sounds like the 'I want what I suddenly cannot have' jealousy thing.

I am surprised though that emotionally you could move in with someone that quickly unless you stopped loving your wife years ago.

[tommylee]

Sounds like crap to me too and I would also say hurry up and do what is right for you as life is short. Sounds like the 'I want what I suddenly cannot have' jealousy thing.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
That is what I think also.

I am surprised though that emotionally you could move in with someone that quickly unless you stopped loving your wife years ago.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I never stopped loving her. I just gave up after a decade plus of trying to gain acceptance.
I have been lonely for years. It has never been difficult for me to meet people I just have been unavailable for 28 years.
The help with expenses and being treated well is a very nice change.
I will never get married again.

[letgo]

"Thanks. That is exactly what I am trying to figure out.
What is best for me...(it has been a long time since I have asked myself that question.)"


I have been thinking about this post. It has been interesting - sort of like a mystery ... (a deep voice says: "what do you think he does now?")

"I never stopped loving her."

Oh, please, tell us ... if you never stopped loving her, then WHY are you not together? SHE LOVES YOU MAN and WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!! Why are men, Sometimes, the last to know?


From your previous post: "I had a quiet and enjoyable summer" - HOW BORING!!!

REALLY? RUN to your wife. Summer is not suppose to be quiet and enjoyable - Summer is when you live it up. The new chick you are with sounds boring and will leave you soon. Your ex is waiting patiently to have you back so that she can love on you for the rest of her life - and that is NOT crap.

What were your trying to gain acceptance to? She accepts you for who you are. With the letters/text, she is not ready to move on. You can reach her now if you are willing to.


It sounds like to me, "a couple of times a year" you were asked to "draw the wagon so that the whole neighborhood could gather round and have a yahoo of a good time." - you "switched out and packed up" which shows how much you love your friends, the memories, the family times, good ole' get together's", What a great time. That is how I remember those good ole days. Your ex sounds colorful and knows how to make others feel great - give her another chance. We old gals LOVE another chance - and you will be blessed. God says to forgive as far as the east is from the west. God is love.

[gwynnf]

This post has really brought out a lot of people's opinions. That is great. We are not here to judge, but be able to talk with other people.
I'm not good at copying and pasting, but in reference to being able to move on quickly. What is the "proper" length of time. As someone told me once....live everyday as if it is your last.

I too was married for 28 years before my then husband walked out on me. Until a month prior neither one of us knew the person he left with. Yes, we both met her at the same time. He vowed to always love me...always take care of me...

I had an appointment with an attorney within a week of him walking out. And I have never looked back. I stuck to my vows. I wasn't the one who walked out. Would I ever take him back...never. Yes, there were underlying problems. And I never thought I'd have the strength to stand on my own. I can, I have and I will continue to do so.
I have met a wonderful man who is caring and supportive and we are both in agreement, we will never marry unless it is in our best interest for medical or financial reasons.
Until that time comes or does not come...we are forever "permanently engaged".

[tommylee]

"I never stopped loving her."

Oh, please, tell us ... if you never stopped loving her, then WHY are you not together? SHE LOVES YOU MAN and WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!! Why are men, Sometimes, the last to know?

Have you ever liked anything that was bad for you? Be it a person or smoking or whatever, many people continue to live in unhealthy ways.
It is not healthy for me to live with such a stressful person.
Why do you say SHE LOVES YOU AND WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! ??? The evidence of history shows a very different picture.

Repeated requests for help came back with the same answer NO, NO, NO!!!



From your previous post: "I had a quiet and enjoyable summer" - HOW BORING!!!
Boring is under-rated. I like it quiet.

REALLY? RUN to your wife. Summer is not suppose to be quiet and enjoyable - Summer is when you live it up. The new chick you are with sounds boring and will leave you soon. Your ex is waiting patiently to have you back so that she can love on you for the rest of her life - and that is NOT crap.

Summer is not when I live it up! I just try to survive the heat and maintain some level of comfort.
I worked for years to save our marriage and waited and prayed and slept alone for many years.
She was never interested until I moved on in life.
If the "new chick" "leaves me" what have I lost?
If this whole "I'm sorry for the past 15 years" is genuine then she will still be waiting to be with me.
If she decides to date and finds somebody she enjoys more than me...Great!!! She will probably be happier with someone that can "live it up" in the summer.

With the letters/text, she is not ready to move on.

DING, DING, DING, winner!!!
I think this is more about her not being ready to move on than any true desire for a healthy relationship.

It sounds like to me, "a couple of times a year" you were asked to "draw the wagon so that the whole neighborhood could gather round and have a yahoo of a good time." - you "switched out and packed up" which shows how much you love your friends, the memories, the family times, good ole' get together's", What a great time. That is how I remember those good ole days. Your ex sounds colorful and knows how to make others feel great - give her another chance. We old gals LOVE another chance - and you will be blessed. God says to forgive as far as the east is from the west. God is love.

Do you have MS?
Do you know putting on the "yahoo of a good time" requires a lot of work?
As years pass my ability to manage this load became more difficult.
It is not good fun when it becomes an endurance contest rather than a gift to others.

The "new chick" has nothing to do with the situation with my ex. Our marriage has been neglected to death and she never was available to work on it and never available to care for me when I requested it in the past.
No cooperation was ever experienced until she lost me and that scared her.
All these devotion and love letters are just words and if I went back now those words would disappear soon also.

So if I catch your drift your opinion is; Go back while you can.
I must say that sounds like a horrible idea now.
There is a lot of work to do before any idea like that would ever be entertained.

And the ominous warning of I will end up alone is not so scary.
Alone is better than the past 15 years.
Alone is easier to manage my life than with a partner that is a constant source of stress.

[Jules A]

And the ominous warning of I will end up alone is not so scary.
Alone is better than the past 15 years.
Alone is easier to manage my life than with a partner that is a constant source of stress.

I'm also not at all concerned about being alone. I would much rather be alone than be a burden on my husband or feel stuck with him if he isn't being respectful.

[tommylee]

I'm also not at all concerned about being alone. I would much rather be alone than be a burden on my husband or feel stuck with him if he isn't being respectful.

THANK YOU!!!
I think this new found love and respect she is promising me will evaporate in less than a year and I will just have to do the same thing all over again.

I do not want to be with someone I have to leave to get their attention.
That is not good for me.

[kelm10]

I am so thankful for this thread

I am sitting in the situation that you were in, Tommylee.

I have been in what feels like an unloving relationship for the past 6 years.

Even though my husband was on disability when we met and I accepted that and we worked it out. He contributed to things that needed done in the house and I worked (a career that I loved.)

He was able to go off of disability and we both contributed financially and I became the sole contributor in the household work. I often and still have asked for help with the house. With very little effort given. He does pay most of the bills and had been doing good work at maintaining the computers of the household, because this is his trade.

The anger from my husband, since I have gone on disability has been huge. He refers to me being on vacation, I am wanting my refund of this vacation that I am not on.

I have been to counseling. He refuses to go to counseling, that is his choice. I often sit at where do I want to go with this marriage.

We have two children and I worry at what this marriage is teaching them. I am trying to teach them what is the correct way to act with the relationship, by showing the love for a spouse. I pray often, because that is what my beliefs are. I ask for support from family and friends. And, I get it, thankfully.

Tommylee, I am glad that you have moved on and and receiving the love that you have been looking for.

I appreciate the opinions of others. But, this is a personal choice and it has to be what someone is comfortable with.

[tommylee]

The anger from my husband, since I have gone on disability has been huge. He refers to me being on vacation, I am wanting my refund of this vacation that I am not on.


We have two children and I worry at what this marriage is teaching them. I am trying to teach them what is the correct way to act with the relationship, by showing the love for a spouse.

Tommylee, I am glad that you have moved on and and receiving the love that you have been looking for.

Ahh, the endless vacation syndrome!
This is the all time worst vacation ever and we never get to go home. Home is no longer there.
I was treated like I won lotto or something. Lucky me!!!
All I have to do is feel like poop forever and I don't have to go to a regular job. (that sucks! I hate being sick and I loved my job.)

The kids make it tough because they will be with you forever.
I do think it has been destructive to our son to watch the lack of love and respect.
Do you stay and show them how to see a job thru or do you leave and show them how to stand up for your self?

As far as moving on... that is still a difficult journey.

Just because you may leave your spouse does not mean you do not love them deeply.
If your mate causes you pain day in day out for years be it physical or emotional abuse it may be best to leave.
Many people stay in abusive relationships out of love...(love can kill you)

Only you can decide if your situation is dangerous to you or your family.
If you leave it will not be easy.
The feelings are still there. You will still care. It is difficult to process all the emotions and it is scary.

I do not know if it is from my childhood or my marriage experience or both, but I feel traumatized by love.

[suzq]

It sounds like you did the right thing for yourself. I know from experience that stress is MSs worst enemy and stress from emotional issues seem to be extremely taxing. You becoming sick didn't automatically allow her to use you as a punching bag.

I have been married for 27 years and was diagnosed five years after we got married. The first 11 years that we were married, my MS had little progression. Around our 15th anniversary we experienced some substantial marital issues. I got so involved in trying to fix my marriage that I forgot to take care of myself altogether. I ended up in the hospital and after almost dying I spent three months in a rehabilitation Hospital. By the time I got out my MS had progressed to an extreme amount of disability.

We are still married but I have learned a very important lesson. Take care of yourself first. And if you do end up alone at least you are more capable of taking care of yourself. At this point if anything happens in my marriage. I have no choice but to go into a nursing home and that's a crappy choice to have to make.

So be happy, healthy and stress-free. I think you did the right thing.

[Jules A]

At this point if anything happens in my marriage. I have no choice but to go into a nursing home and that's a crappy choice to have to make.
.

So here's a general question to anyone not just suzq. Why is having to go to a nursing home if we are no longer able to care for ourselves such a taboo topic and dreaded outcome?

What exactly are our expectations when we are no longer able to care for ourselves whether it is thanks to MS, extreme old age or a horrific accident? It reminds me of elderly people who refuse to consider moving into assisted living and the family just turns a blind eye to them muddling along until they are hospitalized for what is usually something avoidable and then APS has to step in and handle the dirty deed.

My thought would be if I can no longer take care of my needs it will require a skilled, trained and most importantly compensated staff to attend to me. Since my poor husband or family members don't fit any of the above criteria I'm going to just accept that this is the progression of my life and check myself into a place that is able to adequately care for me.

Although I totally get dreading that the time might come when I can't care for myself if it is, it is and I'll do what is logical and necessary at that time.

TommyLee if you aren't cool with this being here cause I'm sort of veering off topic I can repost somewhere else but we seem to have a lively and honest conversation going so I thought I might get more participation than the crickets that chirp when something provocative aka not hearts/flowers is posted on the main section.

[Tawanda]

Take care of yourself first. And if you do end up alone at least you are more capable of taking care of yourself.

I don't think we have much control over this. MS is a progressive disease even with zero stress.

Tommy Lee, I have followed your story for a long time and wish you happiness. I know it was an agonizing decision. In my history of bad boyfriends, it was only when I totally and completely washed my hands of them that they promised to straighten out and fly right. It wasn't about true love or mending their ways. It was about the fact that instead of a doormat I became a challenge. It seems to be human nature to most want what you can't have. It's purely about ego IMHO.

[fishead]

I will not weigh in with my thoughts, I will simply wish you peace and good luck.

[tommylee]

I'm going to just accept that this is the progression of my life and check myself into a place that is able to adequately care for me.

I will also do this or perhaps a plastic bag and a rubber-band could do the trick when the time comes.

Either way, I would like to enjoy the time I have left and the ability to move while I have it. (even if it is not the same.)

The end is a dark subject but I do not mind talking about it.

[tommylee]

In my history of bad boyfriends, it was only when I totally and completely washed my hands of them that they promised to straighten out and fly right. It wasn't about true love or mending their ways. It was about the fact that instead of a doormat I became a challenge. It seems to be human nature to most want what you can't have. It's purely about ego IMHO.

Sounds about right.
I don't have a history of bad girlfriends but until this summer I have not been on a date other than my wife since 1986.
Sometimes the past 15 years seem like a long bad date.
Sure there were a few good times but most of it felt like constant punishment for getting sick.