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    Sounds like crap to me.

    I have been dx since 1997 retired from work in 2000.
    My wife has never accepted my dx and has been a very unsupportive partner for 15+ years.
    We have a son who graduated high school last summer and went to college this year.
    Over the past 15 years we have been to couples counseling, independent counseling, I have read a dozen self help books, etc., etc., etc.. None of it met with any cooperation. So last summer I moved out.

    Everything was fine. Not too much resistance, just a few last angry words bounced off of me as I left.
    It felt good. Years of being miss treated by a selfish, self-absorbed person that broke my heart and spirit being unloaded just like that.
    Put the house on the market and rented the lower flat in a dump in town. I had a quiet and enjoyable summer. Met a lot of new people that seem to enjoy my company and even went on a few dates.

    In October I moved to an apartment in Denver with a woman.... well as soon as the ex found out she went berserk!!!
    Now I get 3 letters a day from her telling me how sorry she is and how we belong together. I have to leave my phone turned off because the stream of text are disturbing my rest and causing me stress.

    After fifteen years of treating me like crap and two months of counseling she tells me she now understands how selfish she was and wants me to come back.
    She say's she now understands and wants to help care for me the rest of my life.

    This woman broke my heart and showed me nothing but pain for many, many years.
    I think this desperate act to get me back is motivated by fear of being alone rather than love for me.

    Walking out that door was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life. I do not want to walk back in just to face the same old krap.
    I have felt happier and healthier all summer with the lowered stress but now my ex is trying (very successfully) to ratchet it back up.

    I am too tired and worn to entertain anymore crap and that is what this all seems like to me.
    I think I like not being married and only having to worry about me.

    Any thoughts??? Thanks.

    #2
    Tommylee - You did what you could and that wasn't good enough, so it's good you moved on with your life. I'm sure it was initially difficult, but I would have done the same. Actually, many years ago I did walk out of an abusive relationship and never looked back.

    It's her loss and not yours and I'm sure you are healthier being around someone who is a positive influence in your life. Kudos to you!
    1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
    Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by tommylee View Post
      wants to help care for me the rest of my life.
      I certainly don't know your wife or her motivation but imo anyone who says they want to care for someone for the rest of their life would make me suspicious.
      He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
      Anonymous

      Comment


        #4
        Thank you for the insightful statements and questions. I have been reading for some time on this site. you sound like you are searching for what to do.

        Why do you mention your son first? that he just graduated and now in college - were you waiting for him to leave so you could too? Did you decided to run just when you and your wife would now have time together, focused on each other? So your son is gone & you leave her too? I have heard this story before. And your home is on the market?

        So what you are saying is: no son, no spouse, and no home for her? That is a WHOLE lot for someone to take. You have had MS for 15 years - I would assume it has progressed. She may have been carrying a full load for a long time - like my sister - and could not see what she was doing. My brother in law is tired and his MS makes him go to his room and shut the door just to get some quietness. My sister does everything for their kids. And works a full time job. She is just barely holding it together. You quit your job in 2000?

        "Over the past 15 years, we've been to couples counseling...etc.. " WE? So the counseling, did it not help you cooperate either? What do you image she might be going thru? It sounds like you did not meet with any cooperation in your self help books. Why blame her?

        "put the house on the market and rented a flat." So where is the ex? Still in the same family house that she goes home to by herself each and every night since you walked out months ago? Is she in the home doing everything to sell it? I've been there - too much for one person with everything else she is going through.

        You have had an enjoyable summer, a married man, dating, met a lot of new people - one would guess she could too. If she is like my sister, she still has a house to sell - keeping it clean, ready to show - No son, no you. Sounds like she has a reason to be pissed. Did you work before? Now she does? So does my sister. My sister and I grew up thinking we each married the man of our dreams and that we were going to be taken care of. Things change - so do people - so does a one time "unsupportive partner" who "say's she now understands and wants to help care for me the rest of my life." I bet she would if you gave her a second chance. I am blessed that I got a second chance. Big blessings. Forgiveness is key.

        Now you are living with a woman? And you just abandoned her in this summer? So, it took you 4-5 months to find a replacement? REALLY? And you wonder why she went berserk? What would you have done if she was diagnosed w MS and she found a man to live with in 4-5 months? Left your butt behind? I know I went berserk when my husband left me for another. What do you really think she should have done? Played it calm? how does one stay calm in this situation? A weak person stays calm and walks away. A whole-hearted, in love person will FIGHT for what they want. And it sounds like that is what she is doing now with trying to get your attention w text and letters. I bet she has been drowning and now she is hoping you will throw her a life jacket and pull her to you. You can save her if you wanted to. And save you too - been there.

        Do you really think this new woman will take care of you the rest of your life? you have a family that you walked away from. I think it sounds a lot like my sister's situation. She has been so overcome by guilt of putting her kids first for so many years, to teach them to be great people. And now she does not feel like a great person. 15 years. You two have been together a long time - possibly more if your kid is in college.

        She broke your heart and like my sister, her heart is broken also. A new woman will not take care of you. She might be gone when the first struggle arises. Fear might be driving your ex now but abandonment is more like it. Women are very resilient and forgiving and can certainly understand what they need to change when the man of their dreams walks away.

        I love to gamble. I would gamble that if you tried to go back, that you would not get "the same old crap." My sister came crumbling when her sp left for a brief time period. It did not take her long to realize what she might be loosing if she did not realize it was almost gone. She loves her husband with every thing she has and he loves her. I am glad you are happier and healthier now but for how long? 3 letters a day? She is telling you something. I hope you listen.

        I do all I can for my sister. There is nothing like family. I bet your wife sees that she has not paid attention to you & has been selfish and now regrets it deeply. I know from experience.

        It is good that you want to worry about you. Let her worry about you too. Son is gone, house (is it gone?), she wants to take care of you. Do you really think she is full of crap and won't take care of you? Selfish and self-absorbed people tend to break quickly when their life support is gone. I bet you are her life. And not her fear. Just my thoughts.

        Comment


          #5
          Good for you Tommylee! Anyone who's been around here for a few years knows of your unhappiness (to put it mildly).

          6 years before MS, I left an abusive marriage of 12 years, the "last straw" was a medical emergency where he totally let me down. I called it "the point of no return" as there was no way I could have gone on after what happened, after years of abuse.

          It was almost a premonition for what was coming, there was no way he would have "put up with" my MS!

          Please do what's best for YOU, I'm wishing you well in your journey. Please keep us posted.
          Jen
          RRMS 2005, Copaxone since 2007
          "I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am."

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by colobro View Post
            Thank you for the insightful statements and questions. I have been reading for some time on this site. you sound like you are searching for what to do.

            Why do you mention your son first? that he just graduated and now in college - were you waiting for him to leave so you could too? Did you decided to run just when you and your wife would now have time together, focused on each other? So your son is gone & you leave her too? I have heard this story before. And your home is on the market?

            So what you are saying is: no son, no spouse, and no home for her? That is a WHOLE lot for someone to take. You have had MS for 15 years - I would assume it has progressed. She may have been carrying a full load for a long time - like my sister - and could not see what she was doing. My brother in law is tired and his MS makes him go to his room and shut the door just to get some quietness. My sister does everything for their kids. And works a full time job. She is just barely holding it together. You quit your job in 2000?

            "Over the past 15 years, we've been to couples counseling...etc.. " WE? So the counseling, did it not help you cooperate either? What do you image she might be going thru? It sounds like you did not meet with any cooperation in your self help books. Why blame her?

            "put the house on the market and rented a flat." So where is the ex? Still in the same family house that she goes home to by herself each and every night since you walked out months ago? Is she in the home doing everything to sell it? I've been there - too much for one person with everything else she is going through.

            You have had an enjoyable summer, a married man, dating, met a lot of new people - one would guess she could too. If she is like my sister, she still has a house to sell - keeping it clean, ready to show - No son, no you. Sounds like she has a reason to be pissed. Did you work before? Now she does? So does my sister. My sister and I grew up thinking we each married the man of our dreams and that we were going to be taken care of. Things change - so do people - so does a one time "unsupportive partner" who "say's she now understands and wants to help care for me the rest of my life." I bet she would if you gave her a second chance. I am blessed that I got a second chance. Big blessings. Forgiveness is key.

            Now you are living with a woman? And you just abandoned her in this summer? So, it took you 4-5 months to find a replacement? REALLY? And you wonder why she went berserk? What would you have done if she was diagnosed w MS and she found a man to live with in 4-5 months? Left your butt behind? I know I went berserk when my husband left me for another. What do you really think she should have done? Played it calm? how does one stay calm in this situation? A weak person stays calm and walks away. A whole-hearted, in love person will FIGHT for what they want. And it sounds like that is what she is doing now with trying to get your attention w text and letters. I bet she has been drowning and now she is hoping you will throw her a life jacket and pull her to you. You can save her if you wanted to. And save you too - been there.

            Do you really think this new woman will take care of you the rest of your life? you have a family that you walked away from. I think it sounds a lot like my sister's situation. She has been so overcome by guilt of putting her kids first for so many years, to teach them to be great people. And now she does not feel like a great person. 15 years. You two have been together a long time - possibly more if your kid is in college.

            She broke your heart and like my sister, her heart is broken also. A new woman will not take care of you. She might be gone when the first struggle arises. Fear might be driving your ex now but abandonment is more like it. Women are very resilient and forgiving and can certainly understand what they need to change when the man of their dreams walks away.

            I love to gamble. I would gamble that if you tried to go back, that you would not get "the same old crap." My sister came crumbling when her sp left for a brief time period. It did not take her long to realize what she might be loosing if she did not realize it was almost gone. She loves her husband with every thing she has and he loves her. I am glad you are happier and healthier now but for how long? 3 letters a day? She is telling you something. I hope you listen.

            I do all I can for my sister. There is nothing like family. I bet your wife sees that she has not paid attention to you & has been selfish and now regrets it deeply. I know from experience.

            It is good that you want to worry about you. Let her worry about you too. Son is gone, house (is it gone?), she wants to take care of you. Do you really think she is full of crap and won't take care of you? Selfish and self-absorbed people tend to break quickly when their life support is gone. I bet you are her life. And not her fear. Just my thoughts.
            Do not mix up your sister and my ex.
            Actually when I got my dx dw said, "you cant be sick, you have to work.)
            When I had to leave my career her words of comfort were; "Don't expect me to take care of you, I wont do it.

            As far as holding down the fort???
            I was Mr Mom. Did all the car-pool, cooking, cleaning, all household maintenance in and out.(large country property, 300' driveway to plow 3 acres to mow, a barn, dogs, cats, meals to prepare everyday, etc.)
            She did not take a job until we ran out of money and I had sold all of MY POSSESSIONS not one of hers.
            My retirement account, 401k plan, classic car, ATV's, motorcycle, my crew cab truck, my camper, my guns, tools, I had to give up everything while she never missed a sale at the mall.

            Last year I painted the outside of the house alone with no help from her and yes I did ask.
            For the past two years I have been saying; we need to get the house ready to sell so we can pay for sons college.
            Once again on my own. No cooperation no help.
            Now wife has had a job for five years. She makes twice the money I do on disability but she cannot pay half of the bills and could offer zero help paying for our sons school. (so that fell on me also)

            I don't think your sisters story is anything like mine.
            Yes I think my ex is fighting the divorce for her own comfort rather than any real concern for me.

            Was I planning on leaving? Yes. After banging your head on a wall for years with no results a person needs a plan to exit. It is not something you do on a whim.

            Sorry your sister has had such a hard time...but I did not marry your sister.

            Comment


              #7
              It sounds like you have done a lot for the family and still are providing. I am sorry if I came off saying your story was like my sisters - parts sound similar but wrong of me. You have mentioned many a valid point that would cause anger and tension and stress. I bet your son feels blessed to have had you as Mr. Mom. Your wife may have missed out on a few things she wanted to attend during your son's growing up.

              When my brother in law was diagnosed, I felt for him - the man of the family, the head of the household, the bread winner and he enjoyed the "status" of his job and the prospect of a great future. I remember telling him "you might want to find something else to do now that your MS is taking you from your primary job because with the time you have on your hands, it might be tough to accept" - Because men hold their job close to who they are/a status symbol of what they have accomplished. Do you think your wife was saying from her heart, "staying at home all day is not good for your own self-esteem. Is there something you would like to do to find another calling that is enjoyable but not as stressful and that you can do in the good hours in the day that you have?" That is what I thought but did not say it as eloquently. I had to apologize and re-phrase.

              "Don't expect me to take care of you, I wont do it." would be heart breaking to hear from any loved one when you are facing leaving your career and a lifetime w MS. I can imagine that stung - you still hold those words close after 15 years. I can tell it hurt.

              Maybe recently with the calling out from your wife to you to let her back into your life, she has had a time to reflect who you are, what she has lost and the future without you. Certainly, there must be fear in the separation on both of your parts but who writes all those cards/texts unless there is a true crying out from her heart?

              You have been planning on leaving - "not something you do on a whim." This might all be new to her and she never planned on you leaving or she never thought of being without you.

              When I took my vow before the Lord when getting married, I meant it for life. My Jesus is with me and with my sister; we feel His presence. Maybe the Spirit is convicting her of her wrongs. Have hope in the Lord, He does break down walls and heals hearts.

              I will be thinking about you and praying for your healing heart.

              Comment


                #8
                "Last year I painted the outside of the house alone with no help from her and yes I did ask.
                For the past two years I have been saying; we need to get the house ready to sell so we can pay for sons college."

                Wasn't your energetic teenage son home? Did he paint with you? Was that a bonding time before college?



                "Now wife has had a job for five years. She makes twice the money I do on disability but she cannot pay half of the bills and could offer zero help paying for our sons school. (so that fell on me also)"

                Sell the house and let her pay for college out of her portion - if you make money on selling the house. You have paid - let her pay now. Let her feel it in the bank acct.



                "I had sold all of MY POSSESSIONS not one of hers.
                My retirement account, 401k plan, classic car, ATV's, motorcycle, my crew cab truck, my camper, my guns, tools, I had to give up everything while she never missed a sale at the mall."

                You have given up all your earthly possessions/boy toys to care for the needs of your family at the time. Your choices are good choices - you needed the money at the time. It is a blessing you had stuff to sell and make money on. It is difficult to assume another will do the same with their possessions. Your choices cannot be her choices - you are in control of you, not her, even thou you were married.

                I was not able to let go of my things because they meant so much to me and reminded me of my family.I held on to what I could take control of because so much in life is out of our control. I held on so tightly to stuff that brought me comfort - other families & our friends loved coming to our home for special events such as Easter or Thanksgiving or Christmas because it was such as warm and welcoming home. The people made it comfortable but the surroundings did as well - the table settings for the various occasions, the activities planned. And I spent a lot of money myself to make it memorable. A nice home is comforting to many and stuff costs a lot.

                Did you also have to shop for clothes? shoes? coats? or did she provide that for you in her spending?



                "I think I like not being married and only having to worry about me."

                I hope you find peace in your choices now and that you are happy not being married. I could not go it alone in the way my health is going.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by letgo View Post
                  Wasn't your energetic teenage son home? Did he paint with you? Was that a bonding time before college?
                  Actually our son has been working full time 40+ hours a week since he was 16 and took a huge load of AP classes.
                  He got into the best business school in the state with all of his math requirements and foreign language requirements done.
                  Our son is very busy and industrious and his energy is spent well. If it were not for his outstanding performance in high school and his financial contribution from working so hard he would not be able to attend such a nice school.
                  The financial aid he earned on merit covers about 75% of the cost...but that does not make it cheap, merely possible.

                  Our son has the least free time of anybody in the house.
                  He has a full time job while going to school full time.
                  If he can find a free hour I would like him to see his friends or his girlfriend. Have some fun while he is 18.

                  No lazy kid syndrome here!!! The one thing we did well together was raise our son.
                  For all of my troubles and complaining I will say she is a good mom and always made time for our son and helped a lot with school work.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    [QUOTE=letgo;1465674

                    I was not able to let go of my things because they meant so much to me and reminded me of my family.I held on to what I could take control of because so much in life is out of our control. I held on so tightly to stuff that brought me comfort - other families & our friends loved coming to our home for special events such as Easter or Thanksgiving or Christmas because it was such as warm and welcoming home. The people made it comfortable but the surroundings did as well - the table settings for the various occasions, the activities planned. And I spent a lot of money myself to make it memorable. A nice home is comforting to many and stuff costs a lot.
                    **********************************
                    We had this sort of thing going on.
                    A separate set of dishes for every holiday. Christmas china, Easter china, Formal china, Halloween dishes, Crystal glass sets, multiple sets of silverware..... it may be fun for some but it is a great deal of weight for others to carry and pay for.
                    Does a place setting improve a holiday if it also brings financial stress?
                    Who is stuck with the work of switching all the dishes out of the cabinets? Packing up and storing everything for next year? This is done multiple times a year. (not fun for me)
                    Did you also have to shop for clothes? shoes? coats? or did she provide that for you in her spending?

                    You asked about shoes and clothes?
                    I am a 50 year old man and all my clothes and shoes fit in the back seat of my car. Did not need the trunk, just the back seat.
                    That is all my winter and summer, formal and casual clothes and shoes in the backseat of my 16 year old BMW.
                    (so, no I have not spent much on clothes in my life and I drive a very old car and live cheap.)

                    "I think I like not being married and only having to worry about me."

                    I hope you find peace in your choices now and that you are happy not being married. I could not go it alone in the way my health is going.[/QUOTE]

                    I want to go quickly once I cannot care for myself. I am not afraid of the end as much as I fear missing out on today.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      If you have found peace with your decision and have found a person to share your life with after all you have been through....kudos.
                      My now ex, "hooked up" with a person I asked into our home of 27 years of marriage to help me with my MS and he walked out the door a mere 30 days later.
                      That was 3 years ago. I have moved on and have found a wonderful man to share my life with. I have never looked back. I had been DX with MS 17 years before and had been working 2 jobs to help catch up financially....that never happened.
                      I am now on disability and have a powerful support system and am trying to get back the mobility that stressful year has cost me.
                      I am going to win this battle and hope he's at peace with his decision.
                      Tommylee....do what is best for you.
                      Take care.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by gwynnf View Post
                        Tommylee....do what is best for you.
                        Take care.
                        Thanks. That is exactly what I am trying to figure out.
                        What is best for me...(it has been a long time since I have asked myself that question.)

                        Comment


                          #13
                          "Actually our son has been working full time 40+ hours a week since he was 16 and took a huge load of AP classes.
                          He got into the best business school in the state with all of his math requirements and foreign language requirements done.
                          Our son is very busy and industrious and his energy is spent well. If it were not for his outstanding performance in high school and his financial contribution from working so hard he would not be able to attend such a nice school.
                          The financial aid he earned on merit covers about 75% of the cost...but that does not make it cheap, merely possible.
                          Our son has the least free time of anybody in the house.
                          He has a full time job while going to school full time."


                          If painting was done in the summer, like most do, one would think your son would not have been in school - did your wife not work 40/week also? Show her some grace - sounds like you did not have any expectations of your son to paint - why not show your wife the same compassion? He has more energy than your wife one would assume and he may have enjoyed it - you know, time with you?




                          "No lazy kid syndrome here!!! The one thing we did well together was raise our son.
                          For all of my troubles and complaining I will say she is a good mom and always made time for our son and helped a lot with school work."


                          Good for you, your wife and your son. I hope your son is dealing well with all that is going on - how much does he know? Even though he is 18, he still may need counseling.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            "I want to go quickly once I cannot care for myself. I am not afraid of the end as much as I fear missing out on today."

                            I hope to go quickly also - but for some reason, I just don't think it is 100% my choice. But I wish it were.

                            From your previous messages, sounds like your ex wants you back and to take care of you if you would let her? People tend to freeze and not know how to move on or react until faced with the loss of a dearly loved person in their life. I have seen MS really mess with my family's minds - for a long while - then many of them came around and love me dearly. It just took them longer to come to grips with it and how to help - cause people want to fix things and there is not fixing another can do for one w MS - so people get confused on "what can I do"? Then they realize that all we need is family to come beside and try to understand.

                            People in my life "came around to help me whole-heartedly" at different times and I am so blessed and glad I walked back into their life and did not keep my back turned on them. God is good. All the time. He heals hearts and breaks down walls and will rid the scales off eyes when the time is right.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by letgo View Post


                              If painting was done in the summer, like most do, one would think your son would not have been in school - did your wife not work 40/week also? Show her some grace - sounds like you did not have any expectations of your son to paint - why not show your wife the same compassion? He has more energy than your wife one would assume and he may have enjoyed it - you know, time with you
                              Actually he works 12 hour days in the summer.
                              Had over 5k of his own money to contribute to his college fund...bought and paid for his own car... covers many of his own expenses.
                              So no he did not have much time and works closer to 60 hours a week in summer.

                              As far as grace... I thought I showed that by doing the entire job alone.
                              ( this is a 36' tall house and I do not feel safe on a ladder.)
                              It took me all summer but it got done.

                              And yes the few moments I got with my son when he is not working or with his girl I did prefer to have some fun rather than paint.

                              Comment

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