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    No drive and boyfriend gets angry

    I have no sex drive at all. On top of it sex hurts me so we never have sex. Since the drive isn't there I don't want anything to do with "other ways" either. Now my boyfriend is angry to the point he goes outside and kicks stuff because he's pissed.

    I promised I would talk to my doctor about it. I asked him that if I'm not into it but do it with him wouldn't it not be good for him. He said it didn't matter how I felt as long as he is getting it. Then just a few minutes ago he said he's gonna rape me tonight. He says he is understanding of my disease and he helps me A LOT, but then he says this stuff knowing I've been through a rape and attempted murder. Can someone really be so selfish? I feel like crap all the time, he doesn't understand or care that my sexual dysfunction hurts me too.

    Now that he keeps trying even at 3 am when he knows I haven't even slept yet, and he says these things, that even if I had an inkling of frisky ness it don't even want to give it to him now. He gets so angry I can physically see him shake. I haven't dated anyone in 8 years really and he was my first everything about 20 years ago. He is great and understanding in every other way but all I want to do is cry all the time because I'm constantly having to deal with him groping, and saying insensitive things. I'm actually afraid for tonight. I think I already know what I need to do. I just feel like sex doesn't even hold a special meaning with him because he said it doesn't matter how I feel. Is this anything worth fixing or even talking talking to my doc about?

    #2
    I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but IMHO, you need to leave him sooner than later. A loving and respectful partner does NOT treat someone that way physically or emotionally.

    By all means talk to your doctor about issues but independent of your relationship.

    Good luck.

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      #3
      Also, call the cops. He made a direct threat to you. Stay safe!

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        #4
        Originally posted by Jrasted79 View Post

        He said it didn't matter how I felt as long as he is getting it. Then just a few minutes ago he said he's gonna rape me tonight.

        He gets so angry I can physically see him shake. I'm actually afraid for tonight.
        IMO there isn't anything to fix. I don't care if he brings you flowers, makes you breakfast, or tells you how good he is to you even with your "disease". He needs to go packing. And fast.

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          #5
          Jrastad, are you okay?

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            #6
            I am done, he leaves on the 6th, and he's not coming back. I am so independent and he wants me to give everything up to him. This has all the red flags of an abusive relationship. I've been trying to write this in secret since I got up. I've been awake 3 hours, I've been crying from pain the whole time and he's already started 3 arguments with me. I just switched from a free Medicaid doctor to one I pay for. I got out of an appt late the other day. He over heard a conversation I was having with my mom. She was saying now that I'm paying out of pocket that you would think I wouldn't have to wait 3-4 hours like before. He said that it was a snide comment and now he thinks she's an ***.

            I'm sorry for venting. It's just maddening. He just came out and told me to start making lists, i do I showed him my book. He has to make everything an argument. I am a super mellow non argumentative person. I've been having trouble with anxiety and he makes it ten times worse. He just came and sat on the bed and told me to trim his hair. I've been crying in pain and I said I'm not clipping your hair in bed. I asked if I could do it later and he got mad, shaking, and throwing stuff down.

            I can't do this anymore. All the help he gives isn't worth this and he refuses to go to therapy because he says it's for crazy people and he isn't crazy. I go to therapy so I guess I'm crazy. Sorry again just need to vent.

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              #7
              Originally posted by Jrasted79 View Post
              I am done, he leaves on the 6th, and he's not coming back. I am so independent and he wants me to give everything up to him. This has all the red flags of an abusive relationship. I've been trying to write this in secret since I got up. I've been awake 3 hours, I've been crying from pain the whole time and he's already started 3 arguments with me. I just switched from a free Medicaid doctor to one I pay for. I got out of an appt late the other day. He over heard a conversation I was having with my mom. She was saying now that I'm paying out of pocket that you would think I wouldn't have to wait 3-4 hours like before. He said that it was a snide comment and now he thinks she's an ***.

              I'm sorry for venting. It's just maddening. He just came out and told me to start making lists, i do I showed him my book. He has to make everything an argument. I am a super mellow non argumentative person. I've been having trouble with anxiety and he makes it ten times worse. He just came and sat on the bed and told me to trim his hair. I've been crying in pain and I said I'm not clipping your hair in bed. I asked if I could do it later and he got mad, shaking, and throwing stuff down.

              I can't do this anymore. All the help he gives isn't worth this and he refuses to go to therapy because he says it's for crazy people and he isn't crazy. I go to therapy so I guess I'm crazy. Sorry again just need to vent.
              You vent all you want to! We are just happy that you are okay!

              My one big question is, why are you waiting until the 6th?
              hunterd/HuntOP/Dave
              volunteer
              MS World
              hunterd@msworld.org
              PPMS DX 2001

              "ADAPT AND OVERCOME" - MY COUSIN

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                #8
                Making him leave is the best thing you can do, living in a state of constant anxiety and fear causes all kinds of health problems, besides making MS worse. And any relationship like that will only get worse.

                Originally posted by hunterd View Post
                You vent all you want to! We are just happy that you are okay!

                My one big question is, why are you waiting until the 6th?
                If he's already showing all these signs of abuse and anger, I'm also very concerned he's not leaving for close to two weeks. Giving him an ultimatum to get out is only going to add more fuel to his anger. He ought to be out already, as you'll be the next thing he decides to kick and throw down, or worse! If he won't leave, call the cops. Tell them his threats and your concerns for both your and your daughter's safety. We want you to stay OK, as well as your daughter!!!!
                Kimba

                “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ― Max Planck

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                  #9
                  Well he kind of dropped everything in Colorado where he lives to come "help" me. He has to wait to get paid till he can go back. It was already planned that he would go back and then move here a month later. I had a horrible primary care doc so he said he'd pay cash each month for this new doc but I won't be able to afford to pay myself so I'm going to have to withdrawal from my pain meds. He came in and changed everything and I can't keep up with what he has changed. I know it's my own fault. I did fight all these changes but he said everything is changed and I have to get used to it.

                  I think he saw me as an ill person having a hard time so I would be to weak to fight back. Like an easy target. I want to tell him how I feel but I'm scared to. I just want my home back to myself. I have no safe place anymore and I'm frantic without that

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                    #10
                    Please stay safe, call 911 if you get an inkling something is awry. Please keep us updated!

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                      #11
                      Jrasted,

                      I'm just now reading this thread. I am very glad to hear you have decided to leave your partner (or have him leave). This is an abusive relationship (physically, sexually, and emotionally).

                      I am, however, very concerned that you continue to live together until the 6th. I'm not judging, believe me, we all negotiate many aspects of our lives daily.

                      There is a domestic violence shelter in the San Bernandino area called Option House. They have a 24 hour/7 day a week hotline number (which you may have to google "san bernandino AND domestic violence" AND "option house"), but I'll try putting the number here: 909-381-3471.

                      Please keep us posted. Good luck and stay safe.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Thanks for the advice. I live way too far from San Bernardino. I have this domestic abuse app that will send a message to my mom and she knows what's going on. I've been through too much in my life and I don't deserve this now. I've been single for many years and just wanted to be loved. Who better than my first love, ya right. I should have listened to mom, I really don't know him. I've never seen so many red flags in such a short period if time.

                        I'd rather struggle than have someone around that scares me, tries to take away all my independence, and am afraid of saying anything in fear of him starting a fight. I've always been a tomboy and worked on my own cars, I still do with little things. He got mad cuz I was trouble shooting my radiator fan by switching the relay switches. He was upset like I knew more than him. It's all silly stuff and then he stomps off shaking and throwing things.

                        I tried to explain things to him today but he just doesn't see anything wrong and it's all my fault because I don't explain everything *** thing to him. I tell him every time he comes on to me that I'm in pain and that I have no sex drive. I'm sick of having to say it three times a day. He just likes to start fights and I'm not like that.

                        He thought he noticed that I didn't recycle even though I told him 5 times to stop throwing trash in the recycling container. I told him I store them in the garage and it's for emergency and money for gas for doctors appointments. He found an old container so now he goes around collecting cans from the house and throws them in his container saying," my cans, my cans!" I seriously think he may be crazy or mentally not there.

                        I keep bringing up therapy and he says he's not weak. Only weak people need therapy. Then he had a chance to meet a guy the other day for a job, he had nothing going on but instead said he'll meet the guy on Wednesday. I said what if someone else meets him today and gets the job. He said his demeanor and experience will blow anyone else out of the water. I seriously thought to myself, you are a ***!!!

                        I can't wait to have my old life back. Everyday tasks will go back to being harder but it's so much better than fear and anxiety. I'm just gonna spend a lot of time with mom until he leaves.

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                          #13
                          Hi Jocelyn I'm so sorry that you are going through this I felt like something was wrong cause we normally talk and text each other I hope you know that Angel and I are here for you. I truly am sorry if you need anything try and call or text us. And please let me know your o.k. your my friend and I care for you and Olivia as well. Let me know if he hurts you me and Mike and my nephew Tommy will be there to make him leave you told me his family is up here so if need be maybe he can stay with them and let me know if that is a solution for you till he can get back to Colorado. Take care your friend Bobby

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                            #14
                            This has upset me greatly, I can't imagine how you feel. My ex husband was abusive but NOTHING compared to what you're going through!

                            I was with him for 16 years, married for 12 and had 3 great kids together. He stepped out of line only a couple of times per year, I could easily brush it off but then it started to affect my kids. Also, he worked 3-11 pm and I worked 8-4 so we didn't spend a lot of time together.

                            Splitting up was one of the only things we did right. He actually ended up being a better dad and a decent bloke!

                            If there's one thing I learned (from counselling that I went to without him) is that this behaviour was NORMAL to him due to growing up in a home where his dad abused his mom. I was blessed with parents that regularly showed love, not fighting in front of us. In fact, I didn't even know that kids had bad childhoods until I met a troubled friend at 12 or 13. I just assumed every kid had it as great as I did!!!

                            I guess what I'm trying to say is find a safe place to go until the 6th. Don't try to reason with him, it will just create more angst on both your parts and you do not need this. I would go so far as to stop into your local police station and file a report... just in case. They won't let him know this but at least there's something on file should you need to get a restraining order. My guess is that things will be more tense as the 6th approaches.

                            I'm sorry if I sound stern, it's not something to be taken lightly. I know far too much about abuse, my 3 step-sons moved in with us at ages 12, 13 and 15 due to their mother's abuse... my husband got sole custody in 2009.

                            I don't ever say this but email address is in my profile if you want to chat, I'm very worried about you. Please don't take any chances, stay safe, check in with someone, like your mom or a close friend, regularly.

                            Please don't forget to keep us informed too.

                            Jen
                            RRMS 2005, Copaxone since 2007
                            "I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am."

                            Comment


                              #15
                              HEED THESE WARNINGS

                              My God, I just stumbled across this thread. ...

                              Dear Woman, many of us have been in some form of nightmarish abuse. PLEASE do not rationalize that "this is different". Those who have walked in your shoes know the red flags when we see them. Many understand your vulnerability on so many levels, but your life depends on you absolutely removing this individual from your life.

                              Please DO NOT HESITATE to call 9-1-1 the second you consider it. DO NOT try to talk yourself out of it or rethink it.
                              That inner voice is there for a reason -your survival.

                              You have many people who care about what happens to you-don't ever forget this.

                              Denise

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