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Wife has MS. I want to separate, but not because of MS

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    Wife has MS. I want to separate, but not because of MS

    I grew up as a caretaker for my mother who has a similar disease to MS. I've been through the ringer on it a couple times. So yes, I'm sure I have some neurosis and when my wife was diagnosed 10 months ago, it freaked me out.

    That being said, we've both been pretty unhappy and half fulfilled for many years. We talked about splitting before the diagnosis and she's said she is leaving me dozens of times, including 3-4 times this year.

    I stopped fighting it. We have a 4 year old and it's gotten so bad, I fear for her happiness too. And a few months ago I decided I was going to do it.

    I did today, and nearly the first thing that came out of her mouth was I was leaving her because she was sick.

    She has a very mild form of MS. Only one relapse in 10 years (undiagnosed after the first attack). She is a 2 or 3 on the scale. She takes no drugs for it (yet) other than Tryptomer and some anti-depressents. It's still a serious thing, don't get me wrong, but she isn't disabled in any visible way.

    She has parents she wanted to move back in with anyway, and we have enough money (my job pays well) that I can support her financially and I'm also willing to do so socially and with my time.

    I still love and care for this person - but I'm far from being in love and we are no good together.

    Spouses who have been in my shoes: What should I do or say? I feel *awful*. After she said that it just crumpled my heart up. I can't go back now, but I feel like I can't go forward either with her hating me for "abandoning" her.

    My perfect scenario is we live near each-other, we do 50/50 custody and have a family dinner once every 2 weeks or something. Right now it seems more likely she will shut me out and hate me forever.

    Advice?

    #2
    Excuse me, she has been sick for a long time and exactly how did you feel, the day your child was born?
    Your wedding day?

    Something in me says, If you can harness the passion and positive feelings that drew you to marry her and even have a child with her, prehaps thinking of those times, might help you make better decisions.

    Also, Please don't expect other MSer's to take your guilt away. You sound like a fairly intelligent man, is there some reason you are not in couples and family therapy??? I believe you need to start with that and stop looking for other MSer's to temper your own guilt.

    I'll stop writing before i ask, 'who is the new gal.' fed

    Comment


      #3
      I haven't walked in your shoes and it's much easier to give advice than take it. I'm not sure why you are posting here AFTER you left your wife, but you asked for "advice" so here it goes. I simply have nothing within me to provide you comfort or support.

      Originally posted by jeek View Post
      I stopped fighting it. We have a 4 year old and it's gotten so bad, I fear for her happiness too. And a few months ago I decided I was going to do it. I did today. My perfect scenario is we live near each-other, we do 50/50 custody and have a family dinner once every 2 weeks or something. Right now it seems more likely she will shut me out and hate me forever.
      Did you come here to try and feel better about leaving your wife? Couldn't rationalize away your guilt? Why did you not reach out for help BEFORE leaving? You claim to fear for your daughter's happiness, but then voluntarily left your home want to get divorced? Divorce is a tragedy for children that requires them to face aspects of life they are not emotionally prepared to deal with. Please go get a vasectomy to prevent you from fathering any other children you'll later walk out on.

      Maybe if you put MONTHS of thought and effort into improving your marriage you would have had no reason to split up. Maybe it's time you "man up" and lead your family into a better period of time. Life has hardships and it sounds like you have had your share of them. When you experience hardships in life that you cannot handle then you ask for help. You should be in both individual and family counseling.

      I don't know about your vows but mine included "for better or worse" "in sickness and health" and "to death do us part." In the PERFECT SCENARIO you should go back and be a husband to your wife and father to your daughter.

      Comment


        #4
        Hello jeek,

        Wife has MS. I want to separate, but not because of MS
        Then why come to a MS forum?

        I grew up as a caretaker for my mother who has a similar disease to MS. I've been through the ringer on it a couple times. So yes, I'm sure I have some neurosis and when my wife was diagnosed 10 months ago, it freaked me out.
        Sounds like you could benefit from Psychotherapy to deal with your issues on this topic.

        If you want out of the marriage then get out. If you don't then get marriage counseling.
        Diagnosed 1984
        “Lightworkers aren’t here to avoid the darkness…they are here to transform the darkness through the illuminating power of love.” Muses from a mystic

        Comment


          #5
          I don't know anything about your situation except what you wrote. I do know that relationships can be complicated and messy.

          My advice, without judgement, is for you both to seek counselling and/or mediation. Good luck.

          Comment


            #6
            This has got to be a joke, right? Now here's my joke, when I read your moniker, I initially thought it said "jerk".

            Why come to a MS Board when you've already LEFT your wife who has MS? Why come here at all?

            So your wife has had MS 10 years, and you have a child that's 4...

            Get counseling..for yourself, not for the marriage. My guess is that she's as fed up with "jeek" as you are with her.

            Comment


              #7
              I don't expect my husband to be my caregiver or stay with me if he is miserable whether I'm sick or not so if you aren't happy and don't want to work on the marriage then leaving is the likely the best thing for everyone.

              Since you have already left I'm not sure what advice we can offer. As with any break up it will take time to figure out how best to proceed with regard to the child you share.
              He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
              Anonymous

              Comment


                #8
                You share a daughter.
                You will be connected forever.
                You will be at the same events, parties, occasions.

                She is 4, the next 14 years of your life belong to her. You need to find a way to work this out.
                These years do not belong to you or your wife.
                You both made a huge commitment when you became parents.
                Huge commitments require huge effort. (it is that simple.)

                And of course your wife said something to make you feel guilty.
                You hurt her when you told her you wanted to leave. She wants to hurt you back.

                You are the captain of this ship.
                You can change course and provide some form of a happy stable life.
                Or you can continue forward doing what you want out of frustration.(and your lives will probably be messy forever.)

                There is no easy way to do this. Life is hard.
                You said you have a good job and can support her... try spending some money on a good counseling program.
                (that is much cheaper and easier than divorce.)

                Anyway you slice it, The next 14 years are not yours.
                Do you want them to be really tough but productive. Or a total waste of time that prepares nobody for the future?
                Saying you want to divorce for your DD happiness is ***. She will be happier with mom and dad at home.

                People love to proclaim how they would give their lives for their children. But very few are that generous.
                Its time to be a man and do the work that needs to be done.
                Don't sit at the bar crying with the rest of the boys. Your family needs a man at home especially if your wife is unstable.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Whether this is even real is besides the point I'm going to make.

                  Tommy, I respectfully, but wholeheartedly disagree.

                  Kids are not stupid. They know when things are wrong and it is usually worse for them in the long run to be raised in a home where they know their parents' marriage is a farce.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by misslux View Post
                    Whether this is even real is besides the point I'm going to make.

                    Tommy, I respectfully, but wholeheartedly disagree.

                    Kids are not stupid. They know when things are wrong and it is usually worse for them in the long run to be raised in a home where they know their parents' marriage is a farce.
                    Misslux, I am not so sure it would be a farce. Often, when someone writes or states: 'I shouldn't say this but" that is when they really should keep their yap shut. Or, I am going to say this and you can hang up, if you like.

                    I immediately hang up or say, then don't tell me, if you shouldn't.
                    and when I read, it is not the M.S.--I am certain that is the #1 factor of this guy wanting to abandon his family! IMHO..which is why I suspect there is probably another women.

                    It was nice to get the men's perspective on this issue.
                    OP has some guilt of leaving someone with MS and thot he'd get support to leave her, here. I am certain he read the threads of..MSers saying run from marrying a MSer and all the comments, so many here made on that thread.

                    Nope I don't buy this OP'rs reasoning. If she were mean, he would have posted that, if she was unreasonable--yeh, he'd post that too, in his own defense. Nope, this guy is just tired of her MS and too greedy to make some changes to accomadate her.

                    Not to mention, STRESS MAKES M.S. WORSE. Surely, that guy knew that. If people WORK their way out of a marriage-that is different. That takes commitment and love; of oneself and ones family.

                    My time in couples counseling, made ME a BETTER PERSON. I don't regret any failed relationship I've had, because I understand how to work ones way out and make it a mutual split. I've never asked anyone to stay, when they wanted to leave--I'd rent them a place, to get out to.

                    But, both parties need to be 'there' and make that decision.

                    in case you wonder...My parents stayed together for 7 children and everyday i heard, "I can hardly wait until the last kid is 18, so we can divorce." They didn't..because they were never married. So, after the last one left, my dad died of a major heart attack.

                    There is a toll, no matter who or what you do. I just feel, the psychological work needs to be done; before I'd support the OP's position.

                    He doesn't have MS and I doubt he is spending his nights alone, either! fed

                    Comment


                      #11
                      If you scroll up, I suggested counselling.

                      To clarify, my "whether this is real" comment was about the OP. We don't know if he is a troll or not.

                      The rest of it was addressing Tommy's comments about staying together for the kids. I just don't think anyone needs to stay in a marriage where they are unhappy.

                      Having said that, I neither support or condemn the OP's decision. I don't know him or her or anything other than what he wrote.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Wow, good discussion. A lot of people are angry at me. This surprised me since you don't even know me. I thought this group would have some understanding and be able to give some non-judgemental advice. I'm sorry if I've offended you.

                        Here's my facts since people seem to know a lot about me:

                        - Not abandoning my family. Separation does != abandonment.

                        - I have suggested couples therapy many times, she has refused.

                        - No other woman. I can't lie and say I don't want one, but I think most people who have an estranged marriage would say that. I don't know where that judgement has come from, projection I guess...

                        - By "I did it" means I told her I wanted to. Not that I actually did. In reality, I don't think I can right now since she isn't stable, but lying and pretending I'm still in love because I am "manning up" hardly seems honorable, right?

                        Here's the thing: It's not that if someone get MS, all other normal life stuff just goes away. It would be nice if it were that simple, but 50% of marriages end anyway. Just because someone is sick doesn't mean that they aren't still in that 50%.

                        I just don't know what to do. We're not happy, our kid can tell and is upset about it. My parents split, and I'm glad they did. They were a nightmare together.

                        I didn't come here to have random strangers judge me or reassure me (although you are welcome to do either). I'm interested what people who have been in a similar situation have done. Has anyone had positive separations? Have you managed to be caretakers while still having your own sexual/personal/financial freedom? If so, how? If not, how have you managed to come to terms with the life you are stuck in?

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by jeek View Post
                          Has anyone had positive separations? Have you managed to be caretakers while still having your own sexual/personal/financial freedom? If so, how?
                          This in itself is a very interesting and valid question IMHO. Basically ex-spouses/partners who remain friends where one remains caretaker. I'm sure it could work if both parties are okay with it. I don't think it is as a unique a situation as it seems.

                          First step would still be counselling though and getting her to agree to go. Not sure how it could work if she still refuses.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Don't know if this will help you or not... I'm the MSer in my family. If my husband wanted to dissolve the marriage, for any reason (including me being sick), and was only staying with me because I have MS, that's not fair to both of us. What a waste of 2 lives.

                            I'm all for counselling and such so try not to give up before some kind of conselling. If she doesn't want to go, try it on your own (seeing you go may make her want to join you).

                            Good luck!

                            Jen
                            RRMS 2005, Copaxone since 2007
                            "I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am."

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by Cat Mom View Post
                              Don't know if this will help you or not... I'm the MSer in my family. If my husband wanted to dissolve the marriage, for any reason (including me being sick), and was only staying with me because I have MS, that's not fair to both of us. What a waste of 2 lives.

                              I'm all for counselling and such so try not to give up before some kind of conselling. If she doesn't want to go, try it on your own (seeing you go may make her want to join you).

                              Good luck!

                              Jen
                              Good advice if your partner refuses to go to counseling that doesn't mean there isn't value in going alone to try and work through things.

                              That said I'd consider what sounds like her present state of good health because if you think it is hard leaving now I can't imagine the mental anguish on both sides that would go along with leaving someone who is truly disabled.

                              Note to self and anyone else with a chronic disease: for as long as you are able keep working and creating the financial assets needed to ensure your comfortable future should a relationship dissolve. Although I would be emotionally wounded if my husband decided, for whatever reason, that he had enough I will be able to maintain my present standard of living even if that requires hiring assistance.

                              Like has been pointed out, sadly many marriages don't last, MS or not. Another example of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
                              He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                              Anonymous

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