Disabled dating Disabled, good or bad idea

[Jrasted79]

So I am at the probable MS stage and my boyfriend has severe Fibromyalgia. We are long distance at the moment and met because each of us had youtube videos about our diseases. We were friends since June and then became facebook friends in November, he saw my status as in a relationship, and got a little sad. I had it that way to shut people out, keep the guys away. Anyways, he realized his feelings were more and my feelings had grown stronger by that point too.

I am going to visit him the last week of march, he is in Illinois, I'm in California. The journey is gonna suck but its so worth it.

Here's the problem. We are two very intelligent adults in our early 30'. We talked about all the things that could happen in the future with our diseases, mine especially. It has been very aggressive the past two years so he is expecting more of the same. I told him I need treatment, I could do very well on treatment and to just hang in there. I know he does, we care very deeply for each other.

It's his mom always saying she's gonna get worse and you are sick too, what can you handle, you need to find a healthy nice woman in her 40's, no kids, that can take care of you. I think all of her talk about me getting worse and the fact that I have 7 year old are getting to him. He is getting scared that it's gonna be hard and struggle,never ending drama. I know he loves me, I wish his mom would stop planting seeds.

What do you guys think, is one disabled person dating another just asking for hard times. Is it a bad idea? One thing I do know is that this man understands me more than anyone else and he wouldn't get mad when I have bad days because he knows its not my fault, everyone else in my life gets mad at me when I am sick like its my fault, like I brought this on myself.

[fishead]

The only difference I see, is that you both already HAVE your "cards showing"! If he OR YOU got involved with anyone, neither of you would know what THAT persons future holds.

Is his Fibro "disabling"? I understand that Fibro hurts, but pain and disabilitating are not the same.

[Jrasted79]

His fibro is very much disabling. He is on disability. His worst symptoms seem to be the sunburn feeling, severe fatigue (he fell asleep waiting for his check while ordering lunch yesterday) and inability to focus or concentrate. He does cry when the pain hits. I am also glad in a way that he feels comfortable enough to share those things with me

[Cat Mom]

You don't have to make any decisions or long term commitment right now so why don't you just carry on as is, it sounds like you definitely care very much about each other.

Can you ask him to not share his mother's comments as they hurt you?

[MSer102]

I don't see any problem with one disabled person dating another. After all you're just people. But I think it depends on why your dating and if you can find a balance between your disabilities. I do see a HUGE problem with getting involved with a grown man who never learned how to tune out his mother's comments. Your right - that's going to be a never ending drama.

I don't think the problem is his mother planting seeds. If it isn't his mother it will be something else or something else or something else. Life is full of seeds and weeds and all kinds of other bad things. I think the problem might be that your boyfriend doesn't have enough emotional maturity to run his own life.

Why are you dating him and why is he your boyfriend? Is the only reason because he understands disability? What about him as a person? A person has to be emotionally strong to live with a physical disability. Did you pick him because you think he's going to be emotionally strong when you can't be? If he can't handle his mother's comments then he might not be as emotionally strong as you want him to be and that will always be a problem.

His physical disability might not be a problem, but his emotional disability might be. Sorry about that, but something doesn't sound right to me.

[Jrasted79]

He says that he doesn't listen to her. I think he is trying to point out how different they are, where she is a negative nancy, he just wants to find love. He's super intelligent and one subject we always talk about is psychology. I am trying to school with a double major in criminal justice and psychology but it is proving super difficult with my short-term memory loss. Anyways, I feel we have so much in common even agree on the wants and needs of my daughter. I am going there in a few weeks, guess I can feel it out.

At this point all we have is an emotional commitment, if it doesn't work oh well, ive been through heart break before. I am just happy to have found someone who can find things to love about me instead of running when I mention my illness.

Thanks for all the input, I will use it!

[Jules A]

It sounds like you have realistic expectations and hopefully you can remain friends if there isn't a love connection when you meet.

Frankly I'd be as concerned about dating a man who is on disability from fibromyalgia as I would be someone with MS. Maybe tell that to Mom.

[pinkcane]

My opinion

Stay friends.

Stress & drama will cause YOUR ms symptoms to worsen!
Take care of yourself , this scenario will certainly bring drama...just sayin

[MSer102]

Some people think that disabled people dating other disabled people is a good idea because there are online dating sites for disabled people. If this guy doesn't work out there are dating sites you can try.

[MSMOBILITYMAN]

FUTILE SEARCH 4 OTHERS ON DISABLED DATING SITES

THIS HAS NOT WORKED OUT FOR ME AT ALL....

SEARCHING FOR OTHERS ON DISABLED DATING SITES IS A
WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY!
BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT....

ITS SEEMS DISABLED GALS AND GUYS NEED AN ABLE-BODIED FRIEND FIRST...AND 2 DISABLED TOGETHER ARE LIKE THE..BLIND HELPING THE VISION IMPAIRED...AND WHEN ONE STUMBLES AND FALLS WHO WILL LIFT YOU UP?

[allHailye2]

i'd like to know what happened. how was the visit Jrasted79?

[Jrasted79]

Little late in reply but a lot has happened.

I went to visit. It was good and bad. I was so happy to be with him. We had a lot of fun, but he did snap at me once and I went outside and cried. It was due to miscommunication. I guess he was on a bit of a roll getting some stuff done around the house. He got up from his computer chair to do something so I sat down there with the intent of him finding me there and I was gonna mess with him a bit and give him a hug, just being lovey. He snapped at me and said, god I just want to sit down!

See with him, he rarely has energy. When he's on a roll he likes to get as much done as possible, no interruptions. He wasn't used to someone being there to interrupt. The rest of the time I joked about him being an ****** and we laughed. We still laugh and joke about it to this day.

We found on that trip that although we love each other, we could not live together. We talked about continuing the relationship, I could move there but we'd just live in our own apartmentS. Now we have just decided that it would just be too hard. We are still the best of friends and still say I love you. I would actually like to plan another visit this summer but I'll be getting a hotel room lol. I didn't bring my lil one last time and I think she would really like the area and the attractions. She really loves Paul too. She knows that he is just a good friend of ours. He sends her stuff often and talks to her on the phone so they have a friendship too.

So I guess I think in some cases two disabled people together may not work out so well. But I also think it depends on the type of disability each person has. Where one person may be at a deficit the other may be just fine and vice versa. In that case it may just work out quite well. Also what kind of supportive services one has may make the difference. Usually one person would have to pick up the slack, but let's say one has in home supportive services. Then the other person wouldn't have to deal with the stress of keeping up the house. Those little things can create a lot of resentment over time.

As for Paul and I, we are both at a deficit in the same areas with no supportive services. Nothing would ever get done and we would drive each other nuts but we make the best friends ever!!!