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    Intimacy issues and MS!

    I have been married 8 years now. Sure a few things have changed but I am also no spring chicken either! First I must say intimacy goes way beyond just sex. To me personally it is the hand holding, the laughing with each other, watching TV while he runs his fingers through my hair, the looks he gives me when he kisses me. Those are the intimate things that happen daily and matter to me.*

    I sometimes feel that as a society we have so much emphasis on sex. It's*
    In commercials, ads even fast food! *Sex does not make a marriage all by itself. If that were true we all would have just stated single and have sex! *
    I was married before briefly. 2 years 1 month from "I do" to legally divorced. *Looking back we had no intimacy just sex. When that's all you have in a marriage it's doomed to fail. Ok plus having sex with my sister through a wrench in it too! I realized when I feel in love with my husband that sadly I never was " in love " with him. I guess always having to be the only adult in the relationship may have had something to do with it too. *I have not seen or heard from him in 12 years. I sincerely hope he has found true love as I have.*

    Don't get me wrong sex is very important in a marriage. To me its the one way your spirt and souls come together as one. Where you each get lost in each other. Has my MS changed our sex life. Sure a little.*
    I have to give some of that credit to my antidepressant. You know for a pill that can do so much good it sure loves to mess with your sex life. I mean sure it makes me happier but it can and has caused the " inability to have one"! It plays mind tricks on me. What I mean is during that "time" my mind starts spinning thoughts. " oh no it's taking me too long"! I think too much during that time my husband says. I would NEVER fake it either. That's just not me! Plus how do you know if your overreacting or not? What happens if you should give an academy award winning performance and the next time you don't? Your husband/boyfriend could think he failed or doesn't do it for you anymore! That's a whole can of worms you don't want to open! So I say ...if you don't end up "making it" that's ok just "don't fake it"!*

    That's all in the past. Once my body and mind got used to the antidepressant then things went back to normal, well sort of normal!*
    MS effects my bladder and my intestines. Ok my sphincter too! Thank goodness my husband loves me and adores me. Because there is nothing more embarrassing then "pressure" down there causes your bladder to leak suddenly or you rip a fart! Over the years it has happened and will happen again. We have learned to just work through it at the time. Then we laugh at it afterwards. You can not stress about these things. You have to learn to roll with the leaks and farts! Lol*
    Seriously freaking out about it will only end up giving you a complex and prevent you from enjoying yourself. *
    I hope that everyone has a spouse or significant other that understands what we are going through and does not make a big deal when we have accidents!*

    Here is some information I found online I thought you might find helpful.*

    The ways in which MS can affect sexuality and expressions of intimacy can be divided into primary, secondary, and tertiary sexual dysfunction.

    Primary sexual dysfunction stems directly from MS-related changes in the brain and spinal cord that affect the sexual response or the ability to feel sexual pleasure. In both men and women, this can include a decrease or loss of sex drive, decreased or unpleasant genital sensations, and diminished capacity for orgasm. Men may experience difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection and a decrease in or loss of ejaculatory force or frequency. Women may experience decreased vaginal lubrication, loss of vaginal muscle tone and/or diminished clitoral engorgement.

    Secondary sexual dysfunction stems from MS-related symptoms that do not directly involve nerve pathways to the genital system, but nevertheless impair sexual pleasure or the sexual response. Secondary symptoms may include bladder and bowel problems, fatigue, spasticity, muscle weakness, body or hand tremors, impairments in attention and concentration, and non-genital sensory changes.

    Tertiary sexual dysfunction results from disability-related psychosocial and cultural issues that can interfere with one’s sexual feelings and experiences. For example, some people find it difficult to reconcile the idea of being disabled with being fully sexually expressive. Changes in self-esteem– including the way one feels about one’s body – depression, demoralization or mood swings can all interfere with intimacy and sexuality. The sexual partnership can be severely challenged by changes within a relationship, such as one person becoming the other person’s caregiver. Similarly, changes in employment status or role performance within the household are often associated with emotional adjustments that can temporarily interfere with sexual expression. The strain of coping with MS challenges a couple’s efforts to communicate openly about their respective experiences and their changing needs for sexual expression and fulfillment.

    To read the entire article:

    http://www.msfocus.org/article-detai...x?articleID=37

    Have a fantastic day everyone!*

    #2
    Intimacy Issues and MS

    Thank you Christine209 for your helpful URL and frank talk.

    Comment


      #3
      issue ed

      impotence is problem. That and deppression and fear of losing control and my job are making me think of suicide a few times per week.

      I was going to jump out of the car on the expressway earlier today but my two kids were in the back seat.
      I got home fought with wife which scared kids.
      Went out by myself had one drink havent thought about killing myself while laying here, i am having cognitive issues. A good pshcharity who i sometimes lie to ang a great marriage counsler. Will take a zolpedia in a few minutes to go to sleep.

      If it wasnt for my kids i would leave tomorrow and probably kill myself totally.


      ** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

      Comment


        #4
        Lack of Desire for Women

        I am glad we have this section to come too. I have had a lack of desire to have sex or anything intimate as of late.
        I know that I am 53 and that I am going through some change with menopause.

        I had the Novasure procedure done on Feb 14, 2010 (how romantic, lol). Which is fantastic by the way! After the procedure and healing my sex drive was still good, actually it had increased. My husband was a happy man.

        Fastward to today. My husband is wondering what is wrong with me. I have no drive or desire to have sex. What has changed is that I was dx with MS. Not that that is the reason specifically.

        I think it is because of the meds I am on and the fact that I can't get any restful sleep on a nightly bases.

        Im up until 3-4am and then crash in the recliner only to wake up at 7am to get hubby off to work. Sometimes of late he has let me sleep in and sneeks off to work getting his own breakfast.

        He is a 49 year old man who LOVES intimacy and sex. I on the other hand could do without it. Only on occasion am I the initiator.

        Is this something I need to tell my neuro about? If I could just get more sleep, I think I could be more inclined to want sex.

        Most times I am in so much pain, and my legs hurt so much that I don't want to be touched. Hubby stretches my legs, rubs where it hurts and wants so much to help in anyway he can.

        But I feel and see the frustration in his eyes and actions towards me. We all know ladies, if you don't take care of your man, he may seek elsewhere. AND that is what i do not want.

        We have been married for almost 6 years but we have known each other for 10.

        I sure could use some advice here for you who have had MS longer than I. I was dx last August officially. Was in limbo for 2 years.
        STR

        Comment


          #5
          I'm so sorry you're going through this Str,

          Is it possible that you may get "in the mood" only after things have started. I went through a period where I couldn't care less about sex, but once we got started I was fine.

          I find that with the MS it just takes a little, or quite a bit of time to become aroused. Maybe if you allowed a little more time to your lovemaking it might work out better.

          I understand the uncertainty of having your hubby go astray, but I'd be open with him and tell him about your concerns. I'm sure the talk will make you feel much better.

          Any husband that would cheat on his wife because she was ill is not a husband worth keeping. They have other options!

          I wish you well!
          When I can laugh at my experiences, I own them and they don't own me!

          Comment


            #6
            I completely agree with Carole, and as a male, the vise versa is also true. ( at least about the cheating)

            Have you looked into what medications you're on?many medications have a side effect that deals with a decreased sex drive. I would also definitely tell your doctor ( I personally think that there should be no secrets between you and your doctor)
            hunterd/HuntOP/Dave
            volunteer
            MS World
            hunterd@msworld.org
            PPMS DX 2001

            "ADAPT AND OVERCOME" - MY COUSIN

            Comment


              #7
              I understand

              Christine - thanks for the article info - I will definately read.

              Sprint - You are Loved!!! Please find someone to talk to to help resolve your suicidal thoughts. I've been there, it does get better - I promise! Hang tight!

              I was married for 13 years and had MS the entire marriage. Life was good until I started having 'issues' with lack of my ex being able to stimulate me. When I asked him if he would be able to abstain while I found out what the issues was his answer was "no sex wasn't part of the deal" and we ended up having unsatisfying time.

              After all the years of being 'fine' I was having an issue and like Sprint, was to the point of suicide. My counselor (thank God) talked me down and helped me to realize many things, which is why I am divorced from him.

              I am now very happy, remarried to a wonderful man, I have had my MS for 19 years and yes it does take a little extra commitment for the moment (more foreplay, glass of wine, and lubricants), but it hasn't changed my enjoyment and my spouse says he is happy with out intimate life.

              It is learning and growing with your disease that will help you to survive. Sprint - don't let it define who you are!

              Thank you all for letting me know that I am not alone with some of these problems like I thought. Whew - I am normal!
              Sz

              Comment


                #8
                Lack of Desire

                Thank you Carole and Hunterd ....

                I did have a talk with my neuro and he said that some of the issues I am having is because of my meds. He said he might consider giving me lyrica or myraplex since we have had to increase the neurontin to 1800mg a day. He doesn't want to go any higher with the dosage.

                And I did have a heart to heart with my husband. He is frustrated too with this but he said TOGETHER we will find ways to help satisfy our desire or the lack of. He understands my frustration. He is committed to finding ways to help me cope with this disease.

                I love him so much ... he went on to say ... didn't our vows say "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"? And if this is the worse sickness , he can handle it, lol.

                It was all in my mind that I was afraid he would look elsewhere. He loves me and wants no other!

                He has diabetes and said that someday he might not be able to either.

                I am so glad that I took your advice and talked with my doc and my hubby. I am happy once again

                Thank you again for great advice!
                STR

                Comment


                  #9
                  It takes ages....

                  I was diagnosed with MS ten years ago. I am female and i enjoy sex and everything to do with it. However, i have such a hard time reaching orgasm - it takes hours.... Do other people out there have this same issue? Michelle, Sydney Australia. I am 44.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Shellyrock, I'm 49 and have the same issues. I think a combo of age and MS. Relax and have an adult beverage to help loosen those muscles.
                    Sz

                    Comment


                      #11
                      You're not alone Shellyrock! Worrying about it doesn't help matters. Your greater stimulation will come from your mind. Keep your focus where you want it!
                      When I can laugh at my experiences, I own them and they don't own me!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I agree :-(

                        I've been diagnosed for 18 years. I remember when I went to support group meetings and the people who were about my age now(38) were talking about this issue and I didn't experience it. However about 7 years later I started to experience the lub. issues and no being able to achieve reach that point. However, now my body has gotten to another point with the illness where I am so fatigue that I don't want to take a chance of having a stroke or worse. LOL! if I can just meet that person to understand that and still want to marry me I would be alright. LOL! I know that probably won't happen so I will buy me a couple of dogs. LOL!
                        Enjoy the Sun each day that it Shines!

                        Comment

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