divorce/spousal support?

[Pam423]

I haven't been on here for a very long time!

I was dx with MS about 5 years ago, when I was 40 years old. I would say I have a pretty mild case, with some things happening on and off. Mostly I just feel hungover from day to day and tired.

My husband and I have been married almost 20 years, but now are in the process of divorce (his choice, but I agree). I have been employed part time for about 7 years, but was employed full time before that. At first it was to balance my work/life and take care of our 3 children and household, then as I grew more tired from the MS, I just felt fortunate that I could work part time. I was told by a phone consultation lawyer and the lawyer I eventually hired, that because of my MS and the length of time of our marriage I should be able to receive permanent spousal support. I never really considered myself "disabled", but I really am tuckered out! I question my ability to work full time and still enjoy regular life. I just want me and my children to be able to stay in this house and neighborhood they grew up in (and with neighbors I love and trust) until they are out of school. Is that so much to ask? I NEED that spousal support to do this.

Well now my husbands lawyer is making me do a vocational assessment and says I have to go back to work full time. I am so angry. I am worried that if I go back to work full time and am not able to handle it, or end up disabled in a couple years, I am hosed! I'll end up without a job, without health benefits to pay for that $4000 copaxone and those $4000 MRIs, and without an income! I could go on disability, but it would not be near what I would get in spousal support. Of course my lawyer is not in agreement with this, but lets be real, I only have so much money to pay a lawyer! Luckily I took out legal plan insurance from work, so that is paying a lot of it, but I am practically having anxiety attacks worrying about how much more it could cost when my free hours are up.

I am so angry about this. Has anyone else gone through this? What do I do? As you all know, with MS - I may be fine today, but could wake up next week with vision problems or unable to walk, etc.

UGH! I have so much HATE in me right now I know it is not good for me or my MS. Of course, if something MS related was going to happen, now would be the right time I guess. I'm so sad.

[LisaL77]

There are some tests your neurologist can conduct or refer you to a specialist to conduct to determine probably the same things as the vocational assessment they are demanding you do.

You know, every time someone I know gets divorced, either one or both parties are shocked at how much it costs, how little they received regarding shared assets split, and how much child support they are required to pay. This is one of those 'It's cheaper to keep her' kind of things, that's what I tell my husband. I have a feeling your husband is in for a HUGE surprise regarding child support and the spousal support that I bet you will receive.

I wish you good luck and hope it does not get ugly.

[Tawanda]

Mostly I just feel hungover from day to day and tired.

This is probably the worst of my M.S. and I don't sugarcoat it. As far as your husband's lawyer's "vocational assessment?" He will probably see that symptom differently! I have never heard of a vocational assessment. It sounds like just total harassment and an attempt to just break you.

I know as far as a divorce goes, I'd cut my losses and split. Unless we are talking Donald Trump money, the kind of stress involved would not be worth it in the end.

It sounds like you may have to re-frame your picture of what you expected in life, but you will not be the first to have to do so. I doubt any one of us with M.S. expected to be living our lives the way we do. What can you do?

Take care of yourself and your health. Money/property battles can bring you so far down that you'll never recover. Good luck. Divorce and M.S. are a mean combination.

[Cat Mom]

Dear Pam, the laws here are different but probably at least similar. I think you need to get your doctors on side before any vocational anything, especially when it's initiated by his lawyer. I'm assuming that you already have health insurance while working part time and you can not jeopardize that and also, your health.

You are now working part time because of your MS, your doctors should be suuportive of this, maybe they can put an end to this rubbish voc assessment and back you on your part time work and need for spousal support.

Good luck, try to keep your cool, be kind to yourself, especially during the high stress of it.

Warm regards,
Jen

[FL_Jhawk]

It is common to have a vocational consultant evaluate the financial earning capacity of a divorced party. If one party is capable and able to work, it is unfair to expect the other party to permanantly support them. You fight him by hiring your own consultant to show that you are either unable to work or or partially disabled and will continue to need financial support.

His lawyer is doing this to try to reduce what his client will have to pay in alimony and support. If you fail to refute his consultant, the judge may be forced to agree with the consultant -- the expert.

I hate expensive divorces where one party drives up the costs, but to give up without a fight in this situation doesn't seem like a good idea. I think he is going to end up paying a lot, but you have to make the right moves now, and hiring a vocational consultant and even a medical consultant will pay benefits come court time.

[Tawanda]

I hate expensive divorces where one party drives up the costs, but to give up without a fight in this situation doesn't seem like a good idea. I think he is going to end up paying a lot, but you have to make the right moves now, and hiring a vocational consultant and even a medical consultant will pay benefits come court time.

It's come to this now...a battle of the "vocational experts". I find this really sad. Apparently your M.S. diagnosis has your soon-to-be-X Husband running scared.

My cousin has M.S. and divorced recently. Financially, she did very well. Along with her M.S., the guy left her for a younger, healthier woman. Every situation is different, but apparently the X-husband knew the cards were stacked against him (plus there may have been some guilt tossed in). If you don't mind me asking, is there a 3rd party involved? That is such a game-changer.

[Pam423]

Yes, although he has been denying it since he hired a lawyer (insert snicker here), there is a 3rd party. I will be the first to say though, that she is not the cause of this divorce, but she is the catalyst that finally threw it into motion. At least she is older than me, but I sort of know her so that doesn't make me feel any better. She is an old classmate of his. that blasted facebook.

We have had issues on and off over the past 5 or so years (hmm, since about the time of my dx). Then a couple of our children had some health issues, and our issues got put on the back burner for a while. I was always hopeful that we would work it out, as I thought it was important to bring our children up during their teens in a 2 parent household.

I can receive benefits from my part time job. We just recently switched to his benefits because mine just went down the tubes this year, switching from a hmo/ppo to a hra/hsa format instead. Not always good with a person with a chronic condition and limited income!

My lawyer did tell them that if they wanted this assessment done, they would be paying for it. Thankfully (??) I had some incidents of vertigo a couple weeks back. (i mean who would ever wish for something to happen, but this would be the right time!). I had a MRI over the past weekend and will get the results next week along with a doctors appointment. I am going to talk to my doctor about all this and just ask his opinion about what I should say or do, or if there is anything he can say/do.

I get where his lawyer is coming from, and he is just protecting his client. But I'm not really out to scam him, I'm just trying to look out for my future. After being with someone over 22 years, and being married for 20, I guess I sort of thought that this is who I'd be with for a while longer. What ever happened to in sickness and health, in good time and in bad?

I might add that I've been with the same company for over 25 years. The boss I have is very understanding and has been very flexible when I'm not feeling great. I put in my hours though, I don't take advantage of her.

I just can't believe how the feelings changed once lawyers came into it. I've actually started seeing a therapist just as a way to deal with my stress. He is still living here until all our financials and custody issues are worked out. I want him to leave, but at the same time am scared of what I'll do without his paycheck.

Thanks for your advice. Maybe I will have to look into hiring my own consultant. What's another 2 grand in the grand scheme of things (YIKES!).

[LisaL77]

You should ask your neuro if he/she can conduct any testing to determine your ability to work more. Good luck, I think if you are well-prepared and ready for any ugliness, you will get what you deserve.

[lemstar]

Your therapist can also testify as to your mental, emotional, and even physical stamina for full time work.