My DH and I have a long history of verbal fighting. Maybe it happens once or twice a month now but before, during the time period leading up to my second exacerbation --- the fighting reached an all time high - no violence just fast escalation into screaming matches leaving me crying sometimes for hours, holes punched in walls, lamps thrown, etc. And we were fighting a few times a week.
I am often blamed for causing these fights although IMHO that's not the case, it takes two to tango and my DH is very moody, also very funny and charismatic -- also very hostile in general toward the world and usually has a depressed outlook on his life and future.
When we're not fighting we generally enjoy a loving marriage.
Simple question::: If your loved one is crying in front of you asking you to just stop fighting and talk, stop being cold and shutting me out, etc. -- what would you do? My DH ignores me, or tells me he's sick of me being disappointed in him and I'll never be happy, etc. He asserts that his reaction of being cold and stuck in his anger is perfectly normal and justified, and ps he's sick of being blamed for exacerbating the MS.
He will ignore me for hours, even if I am in the next room crying the entire time. As it gets closer to evening, if I try to talk to him about it (so hard for me to go to bed upset or angry) he just wants to go to bed so he can get up for his "awful job" the next morning. He accuses me of being ungrateful for what he does do for me, like food shopping if I'm too fatigued, working an extra day a week for the last year while I waited for my disability hearing to take place.
I'm scared and I don't know which way is up. I'm so confused now I don't know who starts what -- I don't even think it matters. I'm not a big wrong vs. right person. What does it matter who is right if you are both wounded by the battle?
I'm worried about the effect this could be having on my health and began telling him this during that year preceding my second MS attack. Now when we fight his line is he's just sick of me blaming him for my illness.
When an argument reaches a certain level and I am really upset, crying, we're throwing the word divorce back and forth, I have to get in my car and leave. I simply cannot tolerate being around him when he is angry. Pack my bag, get in my car, pick up cigarettes, start driving to a friend's or my parents only to get a phone call asking me to come home.
And I turn around.
Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to just stop being so angry when he sees how upset I am? or to talk to me BEFORE I leave the house because of the emotional toll it takes on me? Plus the danger of crying and driving.
I get really upset. When I do ask him this he blames me for starting the argument and feels it is unreasonable for me to ask him to do anything different.
is it more harmful to stay in a stressful marriage or to go through a divorce?
I do feel a worsening of symptoms after a fight and it takes days for me to get back to "my normal."
Any feedback, from caretakers and MS-ers will be appreciated.
Do other MS-ers find when they get upset it is hard to calm down?
Thanks for the space to vent.... sorry so long... it was a rough weekend and I am at the end of my rope.
Oh yeah, and he doesn't want to go to counseling - he doesn't believe it is helpful. And he claims to love me with all his heart and soul, etc... and that this marriage means everything to him, everything he does is for me, every choice he makes is with me in mind, etc.
Jade
I am often blamed for causing these fights although IMHO that's not the case, it takes two to tango and my DH is very moody, also very funny and charismatic -- also very hostile in general toward the world and usually has a depressed outlook on his life and future.
When we're not fighting we generally enjoy a loving marriage.
Simple question::: If your loved one is crying in front of you asking you to just stop fighting and talk, stop being cold and shutting me out, etc. -- what would you do? My DH ignores me, or tells me he's sick of me being disappointed in him and I'll never be happy, etc. He asserts that his reaction of being cold and stuck in his anger is perfectly normal and justified, and ps he's sick of being blamed for exacerbating the MS.
He will ignore me for hours, even if I am in the next room crying the entire time. As it gets closer to evening, if I try to talk to him about it (so hard for me to go to bed upset or angry) he just wants to go to bed so he can get up for his "awful job" the next morning. He accuses me of being ungrateful for what he does do for me, like food shopping if I'm too fatigued, working an extra day a week for the last year while I waited for my disability hearing to take place.
I'm scared and I don't know which way is up. I'm so confused now I don't know who starts what -- I don't even think it matters. I'm not a big wrong vs. right person. What does it matter who is right if you are both wounded by the battle?
I'm worried about the effect this could be having on my health and began telling him this during that year preceding my second MS attack. Now when we fight his line is he's just sick of me blaming him for my illness.
When an argument reaches a certain level and I am really upset, crying, we're throwing the word divorce back and forth, I have to get in my car and leave. I simply cannot tolerate being around him when he is angry. Pack my bag, get in my car, pick up cigarettes, start driving to a friend's or my parents only to get a phone call asking me to come home.
And I turn around.
Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to just stop being so angry when he sees how upset I am? or to talk to me BEFORE I leave the house because of the emotional toll it takes on me? Plus the danger of crying and driving.
I get really upset. When I do ask him this he blames me for starting the argument and feels it is unreasonable for me to ask him to do anything different.
is it more harmful to stay in a stressful marriage or to go through a divorce?
I do feel a worsening of symptoms after a fight and it takes days for me to get back to "my normal."
Any feedback, from caretakers and MS-ers will be appreciated.
Do other MS-ers find when they get upset it is hard to calm down?
Thanks for the space to vent.... sorry so long... it was a rough weekend and I am at the end of my rope.
Oh yeah, and he doesn't want to go to counseling - he doesn't believe it is helpful. And he claims to love me with all his heart and soul, etc... and that this marriage means everything to him, everything he does is for me, every choice he makes is with me in mind, etc.
Jade
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