LOVE ~ What do we (I) have to offer?

[Tracy42]

Thank you!

Thank you all so very much! Think I’ve cleansed my insides with so many tears.

NeuroNixed Craig, you hit the nail on the head. Self –doubt, unworthiness, unlovable. It is so hard to stand in my truth of worthiness, confident and loveable, soooo hard (even before MS and overwhelmingly after).

45 and I have never been in love (I have some work to do!) I have been rejected each time because of MS (One date I had SUCH a great time… his friend saw us out and pulled him aside and asked “who is she, she is beautiful” His reply was “Isn’t she? I’ve wanted to ask her out for a while, but she’s done, she has MS”. He didn’t know I was in earshot. After dinner he asked me to go back to his place, I didn’t, and we have never spoken again.
I come apart dating, I can speak about what I used to do, accomplishments and I pretty much brush past the MS, like it’s just something I deal with… but I need more in my reserve mental account of what I do have to offer, otherwise when I don’t feel good, I disappear in self-pity party world. I know I put the good energy out initially and then a big cloud of but I’m not good enough next. You are helping me add positive talk in my head about what I have to offer, where I had none.
Thank you, Thank you….and sorry for going on and on…

[Thinkimjob]

Two cents' worth. If you base your loveability value on physical beauty, which I'm sure you don't, then you're doomed to disaster.
That's not just MSers, that's everyone.
Young people are less "forgiving" of disability and infirmity than older people, and women are probably more likely to "cope" than men. Yes, generalising, I know.
Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. I hope you find it.
Here endeth the lesson.

[oso49]

LOVE ~ What do we (I) have to offer?

Tracy,

I can't begin to add any more to these posts than what has already been said about you. You must be one amazing woman!

I envy the man who comes into your life. .

Barry

[tommylee]

Unconditional love is a wonderful thing.

"Unconditional Love"???
Does that really exist?
I think "unconditional love" is a lie that leaves many with expectations that will never be met.

IMHO you will have better luck finding a "magic carpet" than "unconditional love".

That does not mean that you or any of us are unlovable. It just means there are "conditions" for love.
(It is important to be treated with respect,kindness,grace, etc)
It is an exchange where both parties aim to give eachother the best life they can.

I love my dog....but if the first thing he did everytime I let him in the house was to poop in my living room, that love would quickly change.
My dog loves me...but if I quit feeding him and rubbing his belly and playing with him everyday...he would probably move on very quickly.

The point is people are like animals. If they don't feel loved and secure they will soon be gone.

It is not wise to look for something that does not exist?
Unconditional love is a false expectation. If you loved someone and they treated you poorly would you stay?
The rules of "unconditional love"; You love the other person no matter what they do??? That is not very realistic??? We all have expectations and conditions that must be met or the relationship is doomed.

None of this means that you are unlovable. It just means you should be very careful about whom you choose to enter into a relationship with and don't expect them to be flawless.(nobody is)

It is good that you are attractive. That will help widen your field of choice but you still need to sort out what you want or expect from a partner.
(I bet you have some conditions of your own?) (I Do.)

All people are flawed and to some extent are self-serving.
I am not suggesting that you settle for someone you don't care for. I am suggesting that you give potential suitors a bit of grace.

I have been married for 21 years to a beautiful woman. (not all of them happy). My wife has alot to complain about with me. I have some complaints about her also....but that is where the grace or forgiveness come in.

Go ahead and date. Have some fun with it. Being attractive will make it easy to find interested people. Just dont waste your time on guys that are not up to your standards and try to not waste time being hurt because you are not up to someone elses standard. (we all have conditions?)

There are lots of good men out there that would love to meet you. Just don't expect them to be perfect. (none of us are.)

A pretty woman has to be a real nasty witch to be unlovable? And even then some men will put up with that just to get a chance to gaze at you.

If you are gracious and kind and put yourself out there the men will be lining up for a chance to gain your approval.
All you have to do is pick a good one.

Good luck and have some fun.
Choose someone that makes you happy to see them. Don't waste any time on men that bring you pain or make you feel bad. There are thousands of guys out there that would love to get to know you...but you have to be available and want to meet them also.

45 and never been in love?
Perhaps the problem is not MS but a control or other personality issue?
If you are 45 and never been in love with anyone perhaps the issue is you are not available for love yourself?
Can you expect to feel loved when you don't feel love for that person that you expect to love you?
If you have never loved someone or been in love...how do you recognize the idea of love?

The world is full of lonely people.
In order to feel loved in this world I think it is necessary to love others.
It is not a good idea to date if you are not open to the idea of loving someone else?

Decide what you want and go take it.
(love is waiting for you but you need to show up to claim your prize.)


If you are outstandingly beautiful?; you may need to be extra flirty or many men will be affraid to ask you out.
(No they are not wimps. It just hurts more to be shot down by a pretty girl.)
Beautiful women can be dangerous ego busters.

[BigA]

I have this suspicion that it's more the self-pity, rather than the disease that's driving them away. It's a stinky perfume, as they say.

But what kind of guys are you looking for anyway? Still the dashing, good looking sort? What what what? You didn't go home with him on a first date? You should not be picking such shallow guys in the first place. If you're used to that sort of a guy, maybe that part of you should change now. Pick guys who would look like good companions.

I think you'll be fine if you address the psychological issues. There are so many people out there with great spouses who love their partners and don't mind helping them out.

Don't forget - someone may write a post about someone parking in the handicapped spot, but they don't always note that their spouse was with them and they still had a great day. You seem to have a self-esteem problem compounded by your diagnosis. Fortunately, that part is curable and you need to be looking for the right kind of guys. They are out there.

[asiel1]

you just gotta let love rule.. Not MS.

LBJ

[Tracy42]

You are all so wonderful!!!
I can’t tell you the epiphany’s I have had since my post. I realized I’ve been replaying a childhood story in my adult life. That is just “history”, just a story, it is not ME anymore. I shut down emotionally and dated the same type of men. If felt comfort from familiarity, but terrible inside and never good enough. I could never profess (or feel) love to someone who proclaims they could not love me.

In work, I dealt with trauma and death and helped families through grief while still stuffing mine down deeper. I gave everything, needed nothing ~ as in relationships. I never gave my self any value and why would anyone else? (Makes such sense now). I quit laughing, crying and just achieved. On the outside I appeared to have it all and I couldn’t figure out (or anyone else) why no one loved me?
MS came and with it pain, waves of tears and also some wonderful awareness. I lost everything, “external” and was surprised to find that people still liked “me”. As my functionality has been coming back I have been pushing myself out of isolation…but NOW see I tried going right back to my old ways. WOW! If only I could have been smacked up the side of my head earlier! Now I have MS and it’s more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I wish I knew my value sooner as it can be hard to own "value" when I feel so rotten. Sometime I feel swallowed up by it and puts me in a mental quandary to involve someone in this, but I AM a wonderful , deserving person. I am praying on how to stay in a place of truly believing this regardless of how I’m feeling. I think it all has to do with projecting “Love” however how I feel…then how can it not come back?

These are insights from you, and I feel so blessed and supported. I’m sending Love to you all ~ Tracy

YES! Asiel ~ You just gotta let love rule (I'm getting it!!)

[empirerecs]

Interesting responses. Tracy, I believe you are beautiful, I believe you are scared to be alone at 45 with a disease and that you don't understand what love is. Me too.

I'm not exactly sure what I want to say or how to say it. I want you to know that I understand you. And that I don't think I know what love is either - I'm 45. I am in a caring and supportive relationship now, it's a strange and good feeling. It took me 2.5 marraiges and several attempts at relationships to get here and it was a surprise and totally not planned, started out as a friendship.

I don't love myself - if I'm reading the other posts correctly, I think that is the gist of them. If you can't love yourself, it's very hard to love someone else or understand the concept. I wouldn't call it self pity, though. I think it's more fear. When finding someone is based on fear you don't go about it the right way - I didn't anyway.

I never used to watch t.v. I didn't even own one for a couple of years but recently I've watched the Millionaire Matchmaker and she has a great message - monogomy and no sex for 6 months and she is right. It sounds old fashioned but, seriously, have things gone well when people don't do that? If someone won't give you that kind of respect maybe they aren't worth your time. Listen to those boys up there, don't take any crap, you are worth better and if you let someone treat you that way they won't last and it won't be the love you are looking for.

[Tracy42]

Fear

Thank you Neete,
It is total FEAR...Like a peanut allergy, shaky MS-ey fear. And I just have to walk through it. If I like someone it's so hard to be "me" period (not pretend like I love football ,etc). If I'm not interested I'm charming as heck cause I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Thank you for "getting it". Intellectually, I'm think I'm pretty great, but grew up never being enough. Not being enough is hard to shake and add on MS symptoms and it gets harder. I do know people who DO truly love themselves, every little imperfection, quirk, tick, smelly feet, whatever and they are people magnets. I think loving yourself takes practice. But it’s got to be possible.
Gives me hope that you have a loving relationship…Thank you for sharing.
God Bless ~Tracy

[Tawanda]

I wonder why one of the first things us MSers think about after being diagnosed is "what man/woman would want me NOW?"! I mean, by 45, haven't we kinda figured out that Prince or Princess Charming is not going to ride up on a white horse and banish all our troubles, M.S. or not?

Why not focus on yourself and your own interests, and perhaps a suitable partner may come along who likes what you like (bonus!). In any case, it's better to work on yourself than sit by the phone and get bogged down in negativity. Be interesting and you will attract interesting. Be a zero, and you will attract a zero. M.S. does not turn us into zeros unless we let it (so don't let it!).

(Can you here the backround music crankin' up, Gloria Gaynor's "I WILL SURVIVE!" LOL!)

[Rod Ritch]

Tracy,
I know exactly how you feel. I am 55, dx'd in 'o9. Went on SSDI last April. This MonSter has taken so much from me. I was divorced before the dx. Luckily. She would have left me, to deal with it AND the divorce, I'm sure

[Tracy42]

Unconditional Love?

TommyLee,

Such interesting insight on “Unconditional Love”.
What a lively topic for a dinner party!
I think you are right comparing Unconditional Love to a Magic Carpet. It simply can not be all encompassing. I’d like to say dislike the behavior, not the person, however, like you said, if the person was abusive I would hope that would be a deal breaker. All of your points are thought provoking and relatable.

I have been working on being open to potential suitors, but often they OVERWHELM me. Dating has not been “fun” I’m either nervous, or want to run for the hills!

I think much of what I’m going through is personality and being available (like you pointed out) and just knowing what it would feel like. I’ve been having some pretty eye opening moments.

I’m working on “balance” so when it does come along, I can plan creative ways to give, have something to offer, on my worst days. Most challenging is when my intellect, humor, ability to think at the simplest levels leave. I miss myself during these times and I can’t imagine how it would frighten anyone away (it even frightens my family away). I want to plan now, not only how to love myself, but how to somehow still have some ideas to get people I love through my rough patches.

Twanda,

I think the “will anyone Love me now” is one of 100 things that go through someone’s who is diagnosed. I wondered, will I keep my job, my house, my car, health insurance, friends, beyond the health ramifications? I lost most which (1 friend remains) and realize that Love is more important than all the things I worked for. Thus the question, annnd who would love me know??? I ABSOLUTELY agree, do what you can, do what you love, have fun and let the chips fall where they may.

RodRich,

I’m so sorry. Sigh, I can’t imagine.
Don’t give up! I know I could love someone with MS, so I must hope that at some point all the pain will make sense by something, or someone we cannot imagine and is waiting to bring light, grace and love to our lives. How about a cure while I'm at it!
Stay strong and I will too.

Thank you for all of your words ~ Much love, Tracy

[Thinkimjob]

All right, by "unconditional love", I meant more "in sickness and in health", than "in prison for serial killing".

[asiel1]

YES! Asiel ~ You just gotta let love rule (I'm getting it!!) [/QUOTE]---


hey don't thank me. Thank Lenny Kravitz.

[empirerecs]

I had another thought Tracy -
I met my boyfriend when I decided to just give it all up and focus on me. I started volunteering at an animal shelter where I didn't know anyone, I could be anonymous and just get over all the crap that was going on in my life. Of course, I made some acquaintances as you do when you are working with people. I was the "cat lady" - I have a knack for cats and matching people with a cat personality so I adopted tons of them. I worked closely with the "cat whisperer" - he has an even bigger knack than I do! We became friends and had a lot in common and eventually started dating.

Maybe you could find a place to volunteer and go there to just find yourself, not plan on looking for a date, just learning about yourself and what you like about you. It was a good experience for me on many levels.

I also lost my friends because of MS and deciding to stop drinking. Another reason I needed to lose and find myself.

Think of this mess this way - you have to reinvent yourself at this point. Find out what you like and what you want to be and then the right person will come along because you will be so relaxed and confident with yourself at that point they won't know what to do with you and won't want you to leave!