LOVE ~ What do we (I) have to offer?

[Tracy42]

Hello,

MS is disabling in so many ways. My thoughts are, at times, as over whelming as my symptoms. I wonder, if they exacerbate them? I know they can bring on fear, panic, depression, etc (I am on an antidepressant). This disease has forced me to do much work on myself, reevaluating what’s truly important in life.

I know I AM still worthy of Love and companionship and all the blessings of life, however, I am struggling with what I HAVE to offer? I have few (one) if any friends and after reading some of the relationship threads feel like it would not be fair to let any man to get involved me having MS.

Can anyone help me out? I know I am a much better person in many ways, but bad days seem to keep me shut down from allowing anyone in. I’m 45, there is so much I had wanted in my life. When I do go out, "I look so good" that I do attract attention, but I feel like a faud. No one knows how I'm feeling, how long it took me to get ready, etc. I do always divulge my disease, but I don't think anyone "gets it". I spend some time with a man who has two young children, and I don’t want to be a third and I believe the thinks the same.
What DO WE have to offer? Anything for a healthy person (ugh, makes me so sad).

Thank you for any words of wisdom….
~Tracy

[LullabyJD]

You can love someone from a bed. You can love someone from a wheelchair. You can love someone from the top of a hairless head to the bottom of tingly numb toes. In the end, what we have brought to the table won't be measured by the items we leave behind, but the sense of all encompassing love and acceptance we provided to those in our lives who deserved them.

Everyone has their hurdle to overcome in life. MS is yours. MS is mine. But I'm darned if I'll willingly GIVE this disease the ability to render me alone. Even if it takes everything else away from me, the one single thing it cannot take is the one single thing that matters most- my ability to deeply and profoundly love.

Don't surrender your most valuable asset, which is that ability to care and love others, to a disease which isn't powerful enough to take it.

[Citlalli]

Being Worthy

I too continue to struggle with this issue.
With RR, if someone meets me when I'm fine, I feel like a fraud if I don't disclose, but I never do, because I feel it would be such a deal breaker. When I'm in trouble, as I am now, I can barely do anything and walk with a cane--so feel like who would possibly be interested. Even though the bad times have been few and far between, I guess I've let them define me. I always have this lurking fear that I can't be honest, and I'm not. Of course, I think potential partners sense this. I always wish I had met the love of my life before I got sick, but that didn't happen. I think in part that the uncertainties of MS--with bad flares and long remissions--led me to play cat and mouse with my identity.

I am so grateful for the words of wisdom above! It's time for me--long since--to take them to heart: not to let this illness take away the one thing it's not powerful enough to steal, our capacity to love.

But how to self-present? I'm stumped. Getting slowly braver, thanks to all of you out there.

[SNOOPY]

You can love someone from a bed. You can love someone from a wheelchair. You can love someone from the top of a hairless head to the bottom of tingly numb toes.

I like that LullabyJD, very nice.

Tracy,

Don't let MS define who you are, you are so much more than the disease. Does this disease suck? Yes. Can it be difficult to live with MS? Yes. Does that mean you don't deserve to have a relationship or be loved? No, defintely no.

What do you have to offer? You know yourself better than anyone, make a list of everything positive about you and then ask someone close to you to write their thoughts about you. The list might suprise and enlighten you to who you are and what you have to offer.

Just a thought

[Tracy42]

Thank you

Lullaby,
You brought tears to my eyes. I thought I had nothing to offer...but what matters more in life than love? Rejection hurts, but if I know I have the most important thing to offer, no matter how I feel...I just may be brave enough to remain confident and feel worthy because of what you shared. You have lifted me up and I am so grateful.

Citlelli,
We can do it! It is SO hard, but the alternative is even more painful. I hope these words are helping you as much as they are helping me.

Snoopy,
GREAT idea! I am going to do this strait away. Thank you!

[LullabyJD]

Tracy, I'm glad to be of help.

Honestly, there are no promises in life. If you had found your soulmate preDX, you'd have to be afraid they would leave you (I worry). If you are in the dating world, you have to constantly consider disclosure. Either way, we all have to worry about how our DX will affect the people we cherish.

But the bottom line is that if a person is worth your love, they will love you. If they love you, the DX will be just another part of you.

It's easy for me to say that, I know, because I'm newly DX'ed. But I grew up in a house of MS, in a time when you really did need an exit strategy, because the prognosis was all too frequently ignorantly dire. And I'll tell you, truly, my parents had/have one of the most loving relationships I've ever seen. They are attracted to one another, and are intimate with one another despite the DX and any SX.

This gives me hope that my own marriage, and the relationships of others, can weather this! Value yourself, and be willing to take a leap of faith into offering your love to others. Love is rarely returned when it is not also given.

Oh, and get a dog. Nobody loves ya like a dog loves ya!

[mjan]

While I was reading your post (trust me this will bring many replies)..I was thinking..She is so honest, forthcoming..REAL..and vulnerable. All good qualities.

Remember.. you can manifest what you believe..what you think. Trust me you can. SO.. make your list.. think of all the positives in your life. You are NOT dying of cancer, you are alive..and growing spiritually each and every day meeting the challenges that life brings us all.

LIVE LIFE!! And.. then watch the love follow..
You ability to love is NOT hampered..you are a beaming light of hope and love.. others will notice and come to you.
Many want to love you and be loved by you.. allow it to happen...

My mother always guided me with these words: Remember someone has it much worse than you..and..give back to others.

Gentle Hugs, Jan

[Sdickerson1]

No love for MSers, hubby packed and gone!

My husband took a job away from me and my kids for 2 yrs! Cal sit-- doing what is best for the family to my face, behind my back he told people he would divorce me if he did not get away and did not care what anyone thought about it... I don't know if he will be back-- he did not even say goodbye! I am 36 and can't imagine being alone for the rest of my life butha. Pondered the same thing--- what do I have to offer and who would want this. I asedmy male friend the other day to be brutally honest-- who would want to date a woman, sick with 3 kids... He said Nobody!! I knew this but my heart sank.. He then said... Unless they loved you.. I know 2 people... One is taking the high road the other can't beauty me... This disease takes relationships from you, unless you are lucky and had a wonderful partner when you were dx

[Tracy42]

Hope

Lullaby,

Your posts are giving me hope, that I AM worthy of love. I have work to do on giving it, no matter how I am feeling. I have been doing the opposite. Telling men I care about that I have nothing to offer (thus the post) and set a time frame for dating before I withdraw (as I don’t want someone I really have feelings for to see my reality). The potential of more emotional loss, is incompressible…but at the same time, I am losing more by denying any chance for what I deserve, LOVE.
I have much to learn and am trying SO HARD. Your input is immensely helpful. Thank you for taking time to reply. God bless you!

Jan,

Thank you for your kind words, they mean the world. I know love will bring love…I just haven’t felt worthy. I am going to practice giving it, and figure out ways to do it creatively, when I am at my worst. Thank you so very much. My heart has hope. God Bless, ~Tracy

[Nabbosa]

LOTS to offer

I just started dating again for the first time since diagnosis. I'd actually had an accident about a year before, that left me having to have some facial surgery and orthodontic work, so that also kept me from wanting to date.

Earlier this year, I asked someone out, and he declined - without knowing about the MS. So keep in mind that there are may reasons to be rejected - and they aren't necessarily a problem, just an incompatibility.

I've got to admit, about four weeks ago, I would not have been comforted by those words, but now I feel them very deeply. I joined a dating website, and am just blown away by the number of men who have said kind things to me, whether interested or not.

I've disclosed to one man so far - and didn't use the name of the disease yet, just explained a few things regarding my injection site reactions, and what the medication does (in vague terms), and that it's a progressive neurological disease that is not contagious or communicable in any way. And that my disease activity has been pretty mild. So far, so good. The romantic evening still progressed pretty much as we'd both anticipated.

What really boosted my self-esteem when I started this whole thing, was going to have a free makeover at a couple different department store cosmetics counters. I happened to end up with a couple of excellent makeup artists who brought out my very best features in a way I didn't even know was possible. One pointed out to me that she just highlighted the beauty that was already there. It made me see myself in a completely different light - one that others have seen and see even more now. So do something that will make you see your strengths again.

Wit, intelligence, kindness, honesty, loyalty, supportiveness and caring are all things that MS can't take away from us.

All best, everybody! Sharing some of my newly-discovered beauty (inside and out) to all of you.

[lynnepynne]

This thread has been beautiful to read.

Let us not underestimate men in their capacity to be giving and nurturing partners. Not all are daunted by the added complexities of a chronic illness. Some, certainly, but not all.

[NeuroNixed Craig]

Dear Tracy,

I can no longer remember the number of times I've encountered chronically ill patients feeling exactly the way you do right now.

You have so much to offer I would not have room to express it within this entire forum. Your feelings are true and run deep with compassion and concern for other people and how you may or may not benefit them with a relationship. That is a bottomless well within you or you would not be here asking this question.

You have everything to offer another person in a meaningful relationship as anyone else. The key principle to understand is one is unable to share what one does not have for themselves. I know this sounds scary but I am only relating this specifically to you in the aspect of your self-doubt. Remove the self-doubt and let go, the floodgates will open with opportunities for meaningful relationships.

Just from reading your original post I feel you are caring, compassionate, understanding, empathetic, deep emotionally and willing to put it on the line. On top of all these qualities you state you, "look so good" in public. WOW! What a wonderful combination to behold. You really lack nothing which would prevent you from being loved.

Put yourself out there, be true to yourself and honest with the other person. Make Tracy the center of what you have to offer, not MS. MS is simply an added characteristic to your personality. It does not own you, unless you give it permission. You may get hurt, sure. We all do at some point, but you are committed and strong in your desire, you will get back up and keep on going. The right person is out there for you because you are ready with what you DO have to offer.

[empirerecs]

This post is is good and positive. If someone comes along and they are the right person they will love you no matter what. You have to remember, anything can happen during a relationship, someone can have a heart attack, a stroke, any kind of disabling accident and if you or the person sticks around they are worth it! Love is love no matter what happens.

Be honest in the beginning and give them time to process the information - you will be surprised! If you have feelings for someone not telling them about MS could mess that up. It's a big deal, it's an unpredictable disease, something can happen or nothing can happen for years. If you feel you have to hide it, you might not be with the right person.

I was recently divorced at the same time I was DX and my friends talked me into an online dating site - actually, it was my therapist so I could learn how to talk to men, not necessarily date yet. I was honest from the start and I had such positive outcomes! I was asked out by four men - then I stopped the site because I wasn't ready to date, but we stayed in touch and have great friendships. But they hung around and were willing to date me! Successful, nice men, one even had 2 little kids and was still very interested.

So much about life is unpredictable, MS is just one of those things. Everyone has great things going for them, it sounds like you all do as well. You have friends who have stood by you, why wouldn't a potential partner? When you meet the right person you will know it, with or without MS.

Sdickerson1 - I am sorry about your husband. But please believe that someone will come along, regardless of your disease and having 3 kids, it happened with a friend of mine. It took some time, but it did happen. Most people with kids and no disease are feeling the same way, MS is just another part of your life. My sister has 3 kids, was 39 when she met her fiance, she didn't think it would happen with 3 kids (she doesn't have a disease but she is a pain in the butt, he's crazy to take just her on! )

I met someone randomly, we have a lot in common, he actually has a more debilitating disease than I do. It's working though. We understand our issues and what may or may not happen in the future. I am 45 and he is 50. He is dealing with a kidney stone right now and we had to go to the ER because we had no idea what the excrutiating pain was - so really anything in the world can happen to anyone, with or without a disease.

Be positive, you are wonderful and people will love you for you when the right one comes along.

[hunterd]

"What DO WE have to offer? Anything for a healthy person (ugh, makes me so sad)."
you have the same thing to offer as anyone else! remember, "love is blind". i can hold your hand, give you a hug and kiss, and if your eyes were closed, you wouldn`t know i was in a wc! good luck.

[empirerecs]

Hunterd - very well put. Thank you for your message.