Have you ever felt like dying?

[Trace1]

Sorry for this awful depressing message... but It is the one and only Place I feel safe saying what it is I must say tonight. I have NEVER felt like giving up.. but tonight I do. Tonight I feel selfish, and alone in all my own pity. I just hate myself tonight. I feel like a failure. Whenever I feel I'm ahead of my MS and I am coping it seems I sabbitace myself into self hatred. I blame myself for getting/ having MS and the Burdens is hangs over my families heads. Tonight the pain is awful. Just taking things second by second. While my family is none the wiser and never takes me serious, I'm afraid this time. See I Have had MS now DX'ed near 4 years. Struggles YUP so many I can't count. Hosp stays ? so many I have LOST count. so I gained allot of weight. had Gastric Bypass 2 months ago lost almost 55 pounds so far and tonight my Husband is questioning the fact that he feels I'm not loosing it quickly enough. anyway I feel like ending it all. I can't undo my ms nor can I rush a very difficult surgery, and My Dr didn't even recognise me.. so I'm confused sad lonely within myself and I have never felt so close to wanting to end my life like I do now. Think I'll call the Dr in the Morning. I can't even cry.. I don't want to cry. or Eat... or smile or laugh.. and YES I'm on meds for depression so need not ask.. anyway needed to get that out.. thanks so much Trace.

[poohb3ar]

DON'T GIVE UP!

Trace1,
i know right now it's hard to see the good about anything. but hang in there!
things usually look better in the morning with a little sleep.
if you're seriously thinking of ways to commit suicide you need to wake up/ talk to your DH. i'm sure he'd disagree that life would be better without you.
lots of us get down, and many of us (if we truly admit it) think about dying. i know many have for reasons you listed.

i know that even though i can't do a lot of things, i can still be here to listen to my children (they're grown & have to call) and when i asked my DH wouldn't he be better off without me seriously, he said NO!

sometimes DH's make comments that they don't realize how much they hurt us. they too are frustrated and affected by our MS. but that doesn't mean they want us gone, just the disease (like we wish it was gone).

i'm wide awake tonight if you want to talk more.
hang in there, if you can't sleep try something to take your mind off your problems (play in the arcade, read, watch favorite shows, etc.)
i'll be praying for you!
take care and God bless ya

[KoKo]

Hi Trace

Yes Trace, I have felt like dying. But those feelings have always passed. I'm sure there are other members who have felt that bad at various times also.

Sounds like you are going through a really, really rough spot right now. Dealing with MS is tough enough, and you have other issues going on as well.

Having MS is not your fault - you didn't want it, or ask for it.

It's so difficult when family and friends don't understand how we're feeling. A great majority of our symptoms are invisible to others - pain, fatigue, sadness, etc. Sometimes they just don't get it!

It's good that you shared with us what's going on. Most of us can relate with the feelings. Keep sharing all that you need to here.

This is a safe place.

Hopefully you will feel a little better tomorrow, and you can get some rest.

It's a good idea that you are going to call your Doc in the morning.

Let us know how you are doing.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Take care,
KoKo

[dolule]

Trace1

“Tonight I feel selfish, and alone in all my own pity” – how perfectly you describe those feelings that, I’m sure, all of us have had. So you’re not alone and you are NOT responsible for having MS. Read your message back to yourself. If someone else had written it, would you think she was a worthless person or would your heart go out to her? Show yourself that same compassion.
You went through surgery in order to lose weight? And you’ve lost 55 lbs already?! It sounds to me like you’re working hard to be the best person you can be! You deserve to be proud of yourself!

I agree with Poohb3ar: things often seem so much worse at night than they do the next morning. Now that you’ve written down your feelings, you’re brain can let go of them. Let yourself sleep.

[KarenR]

Hello Trace

Most of us have been exactly where you are tonight.

Always remember that this is a safe place to come and vent.

If your feelings persist, please, please, please call the Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. They are a great bunch of people and can help you.

Let us know how you are feeling.

We care.

[mgoerke]

Been there too in many occasions. You just have to hang on for another day and the darkness will lift enough for you to see the reasons to go on and then hope will follow.

Depression and despair are the worst, but you just can't give in. Hopefully knowing you are not alone is some small comfort.

[photomama]

Most of us have had these feelings- some fleeting, some that last a lot longer. MS is a hard disease to deal with and it is a harder disease because the only people who TRULY understand how to live with it are the people who have it. And everyone who has it walks a different journey.

You have spoken true words from the heart. Sometimes we bend until we can't bend anymore. Sounds like it is time for you to reach out for help dealing with this. We are here for you!! Please call your doctor, get some help dealing with these feelings and know that we are here (always!) to listen and talk with you!

((hugs))

[Sequoia]

I'm so sorry you're in such misery, Trace! My heart goes out to you.

I, too, have thought of suicide more than once, as have many people with MS. You're not alone in that, and you're also not alone because there's a whole boardful of members here who care about you and want to help.

I know you're on an antidepressant, but it sounds as if it may not be working well enough for you. You may need a higher dosage, or you may need to switch to another one. If you haven't already discussed this with your doctor, please do!!!

You didn't mention counseling. Are you currently seeing a counselor/therapist? If not, please consider asking your doctor for a referral...or if you call the hotline number you've been given they should be able to refer you. Counseling can be very helpful in dealing with the challenges of living with MS, as well as the aftermath of bariatric surgery.

I hope you're feeling better this morning, dear.

[Seasha]

Dear Trace - I'm echoing much of the messages here that some of us have been in your shoes. It has happened to me when my previous husband died years ago (I wanted to die with him) and again while traveling my MS journey for 22 years now.

The main thing that helped me was to seek out help with a therapist. Are you seeing one? Have you considered? My therapist worked with me for about 5 years and saved my life. It was amazing to me how much heavy baggage I was carrying around and was able to heave it off my shoulders - with time.

Each and everyone of us has a God-given purpose while on earth. Yes, even while being depressed or in pain and despair. MS puts us in front of a mirror and asks what is the lessen to be learnt here? Sometimes the answers are too difficult to face, but given time, we reach in far enough and eventually get this Aha! moment and it can make some sense. I am only me, but this is what I've gained from working with my therapist.

I hope when you wake up today, it will be refreshing and the clouds will part. Please know we are here to listen and you are not alone anymore!!

Sending you heartfelt (((hugs)))

[aitch10]

I am so sorry you're having such a rough time. I agree with PP's about not giving up. This ******* disease is really, really hard to deal with so don't give it the satisfaction of letting it think it's beaten you.

::hugs::

[Turtlebay]

Hang in there

Trace,
You can do this. I agree with what has already been posted, I'm sending you (((hugs))) and prayers.
Teresa

[GIGI69]

Please Check Back In!

Has anyone heard from Tracie?!

YES! Many of us have felt that way.

I HATE that my kids are scared of every little pain they have. They just know they are going to follow in my footsteps.

I HATE that I have plans and they are often interupted because of my health (had some tonight and I will be spending it on the couch).

I HATE that my husband has to use HIS sick time to take care of ME.

But there are GOOD days too.

If you are thinking about suicide remember that is permanent and the grief and guilt it leaves for those left behind is substantially more significant than any feelings they are having dealing with your illness. Please talk to someone! Let us know how you are doing.

[poohb3ar]

LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!

Trace,

i know you're probably feeling really down still. but PLEASE drop a short note and let us know how you're doing
.
there's a lot of loving, caring people here who would love to know.

you're still in my thoughts and prayers!

if you have those thoughts again, you can contact me by going to my stats(click on people's name at top of messge and that stuff comes up) and email me or on board here, or at least call a live person on the suicide line 1-800-273-8255, a great bunch of people who want to help you.

we really care about what's going on with you.:rose

hang in there!
take care and God bless ya!

[kif8skip]

Hoping you are okay - sending healing thoughts and prayers your way Trace

[candycane]

I hope you're feeling better, Trace.
I've noticed lately when I'm watching TV about 9/11,I think to myself, if I was on a plane that was hi-jacked, I'd be one of the people who attacks the hi-jackers.
I'm not brave, I just don't care anymore. I'm tired of evil people who don't appreciate their health or who want to do harm to others. Why live a long life? So I can get more & more debilitated???
On the other hand, you've received some great support here & I also appreciate the responses. I like the idea of seeking out a therapist & think it's time I do that myself.
Please let us know how you're doing.