Divorce and MS

[Lilac]

Hello,

I am not exactly sure how to word this here goes...

I finally got up the courage to leave my husband of 16 years. As he reminds me he never hit me, but he has been verbally abusive to me and my 4 girls and has abused me in other ways. He is telling me he does not want a divorce and loves me so much. In the very next breath he is blaming all of this on my MS and says that I have had a personality change due to the MS. He is very manipulative and makes me question myself all of the time. I know it is difficult to understand my situation and make any judgements, but I was just wondering if anyone else with MS has had personality changes - he seems to suggest that there are a lot of articles on this. I told him my personality change was actually me standing up for myself and no longer putting up with the "other abuse", which of course he denies ever happened.
The reason I ask is because I am starting to feel bad for breaking up the family and his heart. My mom and my sisters stand behind me 100% and tell me it is him. Maybe it is my low self esteem I still question myself.

[samandmattsmom]

I think that I grew stronger emotionally and personally after I found out that I had MS. I think that coming to terms with MS and that you are still okay makes you that way. I really had to get to "know" myself again and realize that I am not broken, damaged, or handicapped. That in itself gave me new self esteem that I had never had before. Don't spend the rest of your life being abused in anyway or being a victim. You are only given one life and we do not get do overs. Also, you have to think about your daughters and what they are learning from the situation. You want them to be strong women....not ones that think they deserve that type of treatment. I was that woman once as well. I met my husband after I was diagnosed and I think that the MS and the increas in my self confdence made me ready for him. I knew what I was looking for and what I wanted. I also knew what I did not want and would not tolerate, and for the first time, I was not going to settle. Search your heart and think about which outcome will give you the most peace and peace for your family. I am not saying that it is going to be easy....divorce never is. I have been divorced before...and it was very hard....I had a newborn and a lot of pride to swallow, but I knew that I had made the right decision. I am sorry for all of the rambling....Good luck to you and I will keep you and your girls in my prayers!

[cosake]

Be strong, do what you feel is right, don't second-guess yourself and listen to your family and girlfriends. They often "see" things happening with relationships that others are blind to.

It must have been a difficult decision for you to make, but it sounds like you've already made up your mind. And your reasons for doubting yourself aren't about YOU - they're about everyone else. Do what is right for YOU and the rest will work itself out. Don't let hubby guilt you into a decision that you will regret.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Jules A]

Well if your "new personality" changes are identifying his behavior as abusive whether it came about based on changes in your brain from MS or not I'd embrace it.

If you aren't happy and aren't feeling respected I would doubt it is imagined and again so what? if you aren't feeling safe or happy with him it is time to go for both your sakes. Wishing you the best.

[tlrosbach]

Personally, I believe that every person can change and that most marriages with some help can be fixed. I have been married for 19 years. The first 17 were the worst years of my life. I believe my husband was "abusive" in some ways also but, not physically. We had serious counseling and the past 2 years have been the best years of our life. When we were going through divorce preceedings there was not one single person that was supportive of marriage...my family and friends all encouraged me to leave... In general, people are not supportive of marriage these days. If your husband would be willing to seek counseling and to work on changing and you personally would be willing to own up to your end of the problems..and work on changing...you could still have a chance. I do believe that MS can cause some personality changes but, most likely the stress of your disease is affecting your marriage more so than your moodiness. Personally, I am glad that I stuck it out..and worked it out.. It will only work though if both of you are willing to take a good hard look at YOURSELVES and change the things that need changing. Good luck.

[lemstar]

funny you should ask....

My husband says I have changed. I am not so sure. Well, yeah, I guess I have. Sigh.....

Who the heck wouldn't experience some change after diagnosis with a progressive disease??

I too think my change is actually for the better. I had some other serious health issues at the same time as my MS diagnosis. All of this shook my world, and reminded me of what is really important. Not much, except our health. Most everything else pales in comparison when survival is the issue on the table.

My husband has changed too. He is less joyful I think, after dealing with all of my health issues. It has taken its toll on him as well.

We have just celebrated our 30th anniversary. We are about to embark on a weeklong vacation to California. We are working at staying connected, and undamaged by our circumstance.
After all, 99% of our experience is perception, not circumstance. There are people in awful situations wtih good attitudes that are happy, and people who have everything and are miserable.
So my bootstraps get plenty of wear, as i pull them up daily.
Hang in there, have confidence that you are doing the best you can, and celebrate your standing up for yourself.

[sunshine008]

awesome insight i just posted about my crazy husband in another area lol.

I dont' know a whole lot about ms, i'm just learning i'm a newbie to the dx yet as most not new to it's fun symptoms. I have found though that it can't change the entirety of who you are.

I give you credit it isnt' easy to leave a marriage that isnt' healthy under normal circumstances, nevermind when one has ms.

You know your situation best and what's gone on and yes it will improve the quality of your children's lives in time. yes it will also be hard, yet i once heard anything hard is usually worthwhile.

I do believe in marriage i'm still hanging onto mine. yet i also believe friendship and respect have to be number one in it for it to work for the long haul. those are just my ramblings, i too am figuring out my situation and not where you are yet.

good luck to you and the kids in whatever you decide. yet one thing to mention do not feel bad for hurting him, the kids i get that yet if it was his behaviors that hurt you, belittled you than he is the one imo that should feel totally at a loss and maybe just maybe he's ready to own it and learn how to change it thru counseling etc. ya never know

[Shashi]

I think I'm married to your husband's twin brother. We've been married for five years, but separated for the past year and a half. And I'm filing for divorce in September. He is very emotionally abusive and was starting to be physically abusive when I left. (I actually left three times, and went back twice.)

My husband also denies any wrong doing and says I just didn't try hard enough. He says I was "cold" and non-responsive toward him, but that was me trying to protect myself. Nothing I ever did was good enough. He tried to isolate me from my family, told me that my grown children didn't love me, and that no one else could ever love me. I wasn't allowed to open the mail, if I went to the bathroom he wanted to know where I was going (and if I was gone for more than five minutes, he'd come running in there and ask me what I was doing and who I was calling), and if I made or got a phone call, it had to be on speaker phone so he could hear the entire conversation. He'd also check my cellphone records to see what calls I made and who called me. If I went to the grocery store alone (which was rare), I had to stick to the list he had approved, and he told me how long I was allowed to be gone. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. My family did not like him, and they have told me that I was not to blame at all. Just as you are not to blame.

Abusers will not accept responsibility for their own actions and will try to blame everything on you. Don't buy into that. It's not you and it's not your MS. Even your family can see that. Whatever you do, don't go back! He'll do everything he can to get you back under his control. Don't do it. You're much better off not having to live with the stress that this type of relationship puts you under.

Be happy that you are finally free, and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me. (My e-mail address is in my profile.)

Hugs and prayers,

Lisa

[Aqua10]

You can do it!

Nothing is better for your health than getting rid of what's dragging you down. Once you don't have somebody around who makes you feel bad about yourself, you'll start feeling so much better--you'll wonder why the heck you put up with it for so long. You may think "I do know all those bad things he says about me aren't true," but trust me, your ego is being crushed bit by bit anyway. When I finally got over the sadness of getting a divorce, I started to feel like the future might be exciting and fun, I have friends who think I'm lovable and want to be around me, imagine that! Financials, kids, MS, all can be very worrisome, but you don't need somebody who makes you feel you're not a good enough person. You are. He's the one with the problem. You can look yourself in the mirror proudly; he should be ashamed of what he sees, if he had any self-insight.

[BigA]

Lilac,

I just read your post and had to comment. That is if you don't mind a man's comment here...

So as you might guess, I'm a man and have the MS. My wife doesn't. After diagnosis, I did change. Everyone changes after an illness. Once you really understand you won't live forever, I mean once you really get that each day is precious, you act differently.

It may mean leaving an abusive spouse. In my case, I told my wife she was abusive and I loved her but I wasn't going to put up with it. I also started spending money on things I thought were important.

The thing is that it's very hard for them too. My wife loves me, but she has anxiety that she'll be left taking care of me, or that we'll be homeless, etc. At the same time, she's had to adjust to the "new me". She even commented that I was changing so fast that it was hard for her to keep up.

We came close to divorce, but went back from the edge. We're still dealing with things, but are more happy. I made having a loving relationship part of my new goals. So if your husband really loves you, give it a chance with a little patience. You can always get a divorce. But you have to understand that it's very difficult for partners as well.

[GIGI69]

Therapy?

Would you/he be willing to get marriage therapy? If he really loves you as much as he says maybe he would. I'm in the camp that all options should be explored before taking the divorce step.

[mc_smile]

Unfortunately, a passive-aggressive personality rarely changes, because they can never comprehend that there's anything wrong with their behavior and can't really understand how it hurts other people.

[Sdickerson1]

My husband says I changed.. I explain my entire identity changed! I was a medical professional, full time working mom, took my kids and their friends everywhere, my house was the house all the kids wanted to stay at, I through parties for the kids all the time (elaborate parties). Now I am on disability and unable to drive.... Kids don't stay at my house bc I can wake up and not be able to take care of Myself! Parties--- I try, but I never know what my MS will do so they are birthday/holiday and with help and a much smaller scale..... I gained 45 pounds on steroids ( lost all but 9) I can't workout or tan anymore and I lost so much hair I had to wear a wig.... Now my hair started growing back curly so I had to get the very thin stringy hair cut and I have about 2+ inches of curly hair..... Oh yes! I have changed!!! And it takes an emotional toll that does effect my personality I am sure! I tell him to walk in my shoes and see if he does not "change" with is entire identity stolen

[inmoni5]

Unfortunately, a passive-aggressive personality rarely changes, because they can never comprehend that there's anything wrong with their behavior and can't really understand how it hurts other people.

This is the truth!!! When they themselves don't "see" that there is a problem then they can't change. You can talk/cry/shout all you want but unless they "see" there is a problem....they just CAN'T change, even if they say they will. UGH it's a vicious cycle....and it will always end up in the same place. I know this first hand...and deal with it daily. Good luck to you and hugs....it's a tough decision.