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    unexpected role reversal

    My husband was hurt in an a military trainning accident in 1994. I have taken care of him for all these year. He had horrible pain due to a severe back injury.

    A month ago he had a pain pump put in. Since then he has improved - a lot. Meanwhile, I have progressively gotten worse. Now he is trying to take care of me.

    To say that I am a control freak is an understatement. I especially hate help in the kitchen or with housework. I also don't want to give up my independence of driving. I am really struggling with this. Any advice?

    Right now he is at the store picking up milk and something for dinner (he doesn't cook at all). In 20 years of marriage he has never gone to the store for groceries. I am thankful for his help, but I am having a hard time letting go of my role as caregiver.

    Ideas on how to make this transition smoothly?

    #2
    Originally posted by katvar View Post
    My husband was hurt in an a military trainning accident in 1994. I have taken care of him for all these year. He had horrible pain due to a severe back injury.

    A month ago he had a pain pump put in. Since then he has improved - a lot. Meanwhile, I have progressively gotten worse. Now he is trying to take care of me.

    To say that I am a control freak is an understatement. I especially hate help in the kitchen or with housework. I also don't want to give up my independence of driving. I am really struggling with this. Any advice?

    Right now he is at the store picking up milk and something for dinner (he doesn't cook at all). In 20 years of marriage he has never gone to the store for groceries. I am thankful for his help, but I am having a hard time letting go of my role as caregiver.

    Ideas on how to make this transition smoothly?
    Katvar, as someone who has been on both sides of this issue with my DW's MS the best way is to look at your life as a "partnership". It will never be 50/50 sometimes 75/25 and sometimes 99/1. You both work together, pick up the slack when needed and keep your focus on the fact that your working together for the good of your family, no matter how many.

    Good Luck, keep strong.

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      #3
      I understand completely. My husband has to do so much more now. I have a really hard time even pushing the vacuum so now he does it. At first I was upset that we buy alot more frozen dinners-did he prefer it over my cooking? No it just eshausts me so much to do anything he wants me to have some energy to spend with him.

      The partnerships do change. We still love each other though and I am glad I can lean on him. Let him be there for you now. Realize that control is but an illusion anyway so you have to let it go.

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        #4
        Gift

        I am my husband's caregiver. It IS hard to let him do things that I would normally do, it is part of loving and caregiving. Recently we both had a really nasty flu pass through our lives. I was so sick and still tried to do the normal chores, I couldn't.

        My darling husband stepped in and carried as many of the basic chores as he could. I felt awful... until I saw the joy in his eyes for being able to help me. I still wanted to do everything, but seeing his love filled my heart.

        The love and partnership you share is a precious gift. Hug him, say thank you and refuse to think how you would do it differently, he is sharing his love for you. How blessed you are

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          #5
          My story--give & take

          I have had RRMS for 27 years. Since losing my job, Ive gone on SSDI and am home now.

          Feb 23rd my husband fell on the ice while going for the paper in the morning. We live above his business(auto parts & machine shop). He works alone. At noon he came up to get his lunch and he said "I did something bad!" He could not lift his left arm and it was swollen. He of course said he didn't think anything was broken and he didn't want to go get it checked out (insurance has HIGH deductible). After work he came up and put ice on it. I now became the "nurse". The next morning he had a customer who needed a press job done. He showed the guy his arm and suggested if he (a long time customer) wanted to do the job he'd teach him and let him use his tools. It turned out to be a good morning for the two guys. Customer's wife also has MS so they talked about how we must feel all the time. That made my husband see a different side of things. My husband's arm has recovered--95%.

          My husband has been a great help. This winter I stopped driving, lost confidence in myself and getting around in the snow is not my thing. So my husband started going grocery shopping with me. For all the years we've been married I've alway done the shopping myself. What a lesson for him. At first if was overwheling for him. Now he has fun and won't let me do it alone!

          Now that the weather is getting nicer I'm thinking about getting hand controls for driving. I know my husband isn't excited about that. But I'm not ready to be trapped at home.

          Thanks for letting me share, toot
          toot

          DX 1986 currently on TY
          Copaxone 2003 to February 2015

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            #6
            I can relate to the grocery shopping. He called me three times from the store for help finding items. He took a picture of the milk jug before he left so he could get the right kind (yeah I'm that picky). It was funny because I could just picture him trying to get just the right things, while wandering around the store.

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              #7
              My husband does probably 95 percent of the grocery shopping (I think he's gotten to where he likes it...he loves to go to Aldi and then brag about all the money he saved, LOL.)

              Our philosophy is I will do as much as I possibly can, and then what I can't do, he is more than willing to do. I was pretty limited for a long time, recently had a baclofen pump put in, and now I'm able to do more than I've done over the past year, so I'm doing more things around the house and getting more accomplished.

              We don't even discuss "chores" and who's going to do what. If I can do it, I do it. If it's not done, he knows I couldn't accomplish it and picks up the slack. We're empty nesters now, which makes it easier because there's just him and me.

              It's working well. Does he do things the way I'd do them...no...but I don't even mention that, just glad it gets done.

              Comment


                #8
                shopping

                Last night we were having serbian salad with a burek and I realized I didn't have Feta cheese. A must for the salad.

                Husband said I'll go to store. "Where exactly will it be?" I said it shoyld be way on the back wall near the cheese & lunch meats. He found it!

                His only complaint was the long line for the one item. I said"you could have used the self checkout" but he said NO, wasn't sure how that would work.

                Luck we have others to help out

                Toot

                Wow, just looked out the window and it is snowing BIG flakes---lake effect
                toot

                DX 1986 currently on TY
                Copaxone 2003 to February 2015

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