Having sex for the sake of your marriage...

[Tawanda]

Has anyone here lost their sexuality? Between M.S. and my age, I could care less if I ever have sex again. Personally, I doubt my husband feels the same way, so what should I do? If I was male, there is no way I could perform, but being female, well, to put in bluntly, I can still "do it".

Please don't anyone recommend marriage or any other type of counselling (unless you know of one that can cure my M.S.)! I am just looking for off-the-cuff opinions. I wish sex wasn't so important in this world/life, but let's face it. It is.

[hunterd]

tawanda, my wife and i were just talking about this. i`m the one with ms, and everything`s broken. i told her that she deserved to be satisfied, however it happened. that was probably the hardest thing i`ve evre said. it was weird, for us both. good luck to you.

dave

[Des]

It is a problem with MS. Check out the Ladies' message boards for some discussions and suggestions about it.

I asked my gynecologist about the dryness after menopause. She put me on Premarin and then Estradiol, which helped.

I always figured if my DH wasn't getting it at home, he'd get it somewhere. I trust him, of course, but why make things even harder (so to speak) to deal with? That motivates me to wear lingerie, have dinner by candlelight, drink wine with dinner, go to bed early enough that I don't fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow, and whatever else we think of.

[Jules A]

I don't think it is so much a MS issue as it is a man vs. woman issue.

While I'm sure you will get some responses from a woman or two that claim to feel as hot as when they were 19 and still want to do it nightly with the same piece of tail they have been with for the last 20 years, and whoopty-do for them, all I'm going to add is the women past their childbearing years that I know well enough to talk about this with are pretty adamant that there is no little need for a little blue pill and definitely NO pump!

[Toomnyhats]

While I'm sure you will get some responses from a woman or two that claim to feel as hot as when they were 19 and still want to do it nightly with the same piece of tail they have been with for the last 20 years, and whoopty-do for them, all I'm going to add is the women past their childbearing years that I know well enough to talk about this with are pretty adamant that there is no little need for a little blue pill and definitely NO pump!

Jules, you crack me up!!!

Thx for sharing your sense of humor with us, I needed a chuckle tonight

P.S. I agree

[GardeningMSer]

Male vs Female

My marriage went from good to terrible when my wife lost interest in sex and affection. I've always enjoyed both and after numerous discussions decided I want to live a full life so filed for divorce and left town. This started when we were in our late 50s, several years after she went through menopause.

I've spent a fair amount of time reading marriage forums and found there are almost as many women complaining about husbands who aren't interested as men complaining about their wives' loss of interest.

I've also spent time on dating forums and found a lot of women who want sex and affection in their 50s and 60s. Of course this is all self reported so it has no statistical validity.

[Jules A]

My marriage went from good to terrible when my wife lost interest in sex and affection.

Thanks for adding the other side of this discussion. I'm glad you had the decency to move on and are getting plenty of what you want now but it makes me sad to think that your marriage went from good to terrible simply because your wife lost interest in sex.

[GardeningMSer]

It was more than the lack of sex

Jules,

It wasn't just the lack of sex, her OCD & depression cranked up and she spent 70+ hours a week working, going out to meetings three times a week, often on weekends, ignoring me when she was home, on her computer all hours of day and night. It was very rare she'd be in bed and awake when I was, her sleep schedule often ran from 2 or 3 AM to 11 or later.

It was not a marriage, it was so far from what we had for the first twenty years that I felt cheated; it was a marriage in name only. Even so I would probably have stayed if we had regular contact - dinners together, movies, some cuddling, she felt saying "I love you" was all she needed to do to keep me around - WRONG! Actions speak louder than words.

Thanks for adding the other side of this discussion. I'm glad you had the decency to move on and are getting plenty of what you want now but it makes me sad to think that your marriage went from good to terrible simply because your wife lost interest in sex.

[tommylee]

Even so I would probably have stayed if we had regular contact - dinners together, movies, some cuddling, she felt saying "I love you" was all she needed to do to keep me around - WRONG! Actions speak louder than words.

I don't think it has much to do with MS?
Many women seem to loose intrest in their 40's?
Many men never loose intrest.

There seems to be a misunderstanding among women that men just want sex?
If we just wanted sex that is easily found or bought.
For many men; sex = acceptance and love.

If it was just a physical function; a hooker service would be cheaper and easier than being married.
But we are not just wanting sex but love and approval.

How many women will stick with a husband who is always telling them what to eat or not eat???
Imagine for a moment;...
There is a large jar full of cookies always on the counter. (They are fresh and smell good and they are your favorite kind)
But your husband say's, "You eat too many cookies." "No more cookies for you!"

Being denied regularly sends us a message that we are no longer wanted or loved.
It is difficult to stay devoted to anybody that makes you feel unacceptable.
This is a common problem even with "healthy couples".

Problem is as men; WE DONT UNDERSTAND THE LOSS OF INTEREST!!!
That sounds as wacky as deciding not to eat.

We are not pigs or self centered ... We just would like to enjoy some cookies once in a while.

Does that make any sense?

[Jules A]

I don't think it has much to do with MS?
Many women seem to loose intrest in their 40's?
Many men never loose intrest.

There seems to be a misunderstanding among women that men just want sex?
If we just wanted sex that is easily found or bought.
For many men; sex = acceptance and love.

I was waiting for you, what took you so long? I definitely think it is more of a man/woman thing than MS which I guess is good.

Your post makes sense coming from the male point of view however as you also pointed out just as men can't understanding losing interest some women can't understand the continued drive.

As someone who works in the health care field I can intellectually accept that this is the way is is for males but I'm not sure I will ever understand the serious legal and family problems men get into related to their urges or the numerous 60-70 year olds that are admitted to the hospital with a laundry list of serious health issues like cardiovascular disease or diabetes and yet ED is at the top of their personal list of concerns. I mean how long do you expect that thing to work?

[tommylee]

I mean how long do you expect that thing to work?

Forever???

Why not?
It is alot more exciting than 20 min on a treadmill? (i hope?) Where is the harm?
Can it really be so drudgerous??? As a man...I don't understand.

I have been with my wife for 25 years and I am still hot for her most everyday. (not sure if that is a blessing or a curse?)

[GardeningMSer]

Nothing to do with MS

Tommylee -

My stbx wife actually told me to get a girlfriend and/or see a prostitute when I wanted to make love. She thought this was a loving statement, I took it as out and out rejection, she still can't understand why I took her absence the way I did.

Dating is tough enough w/o being married.

I know one of my great pleasures is being with my lover, not necessarily making love, sex is nice but after hitting 60 once or twice a week seems to be as much as I need.

I don't think it has much to do with MS?
Many women seem to loose intrest in their 40's?
Many men never loose intrest.

There seems to be a misunderstanding among women that men just want sex?
If we just wanted sex that is easily found or bought.
For many men; sex = acceptance and love.

If it was just a physical function; a hooker service would be cheaper and easier than being married.
But we are not just wanting sex but love and approval.

How many women will stick with a husband who is always telling them what to eat or not eat???
Imagine for a moment;...
There is a large jar full of cookies always on the counter. (They are fresh and smell good and they are your favorite kind)
But your husband say's, "You eat too many cookies." "No more cookies for you!"

Being denied regularly sends us a message that we are no longer wanted or loved.
It is difficult to stay devoted to anybody that makes you feel unacceptable.
This is a common problem even with "healthy couples".

Problem is as men; WE DONT UNDERSTAND THE LOSS OF INTEREST!!!
That sounds as wacky as deciding not to eat.

We are not pigs or self centered ... We just would like to enjoy some cookies once in a while.

Does that make any sense?

[Jules A]

Forever???

Why not?
It is alot more exciting than 20 min on a treadmill? (i hope?) Where is the harm?
Can it really be so drudgerous??? As a man...I don't understand.

I have been with my wife for 25 years and I am still hot for her most everyday. (not sure if that is a blessing or a curse?)

It is very sweet that you are still hot for your wife after 25 years even if she opts for the treadmill instead.

[Tawanda]

sex or dishes?

Forever???

Why not?
It is alot more exciting than 20 min on a treadmill? (i hope?) Where is the harm?
Can it really be so drudgerous??? As a man...I don't understand.

Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad (that's about the same amount of time that it takes me to do the dishes)!

[Deer In Headlights]

Everyday

Let him know that he is still a man and even if you don't care for it, DON'T MAKE HIM BELIEVE IT.

Sorry for being inconsiderate of you feelings and I don't what it is like on your side of the fence. I'm a male and I'm the one with ms, I wish I didn't have the urge because I'd get a lot more done.

Guys are dogs that need to be pet, let us think that we are wanted and we're (I'm) happy. We love to make our masters happy.

Men and women don't think of sex the same way. From a guys point of view, IT'S SIMPLE

roff, roff