Probably over

[Taryn]

Serious Cognitive Impairment .....

My husband, 58, was diagnosed with MS 6 years ago a month after we married. And to be honest, I had postponed our wedding previously because of anger and relationship issues that never got resolved before I put the date back on with a simple ceremony. He was moody, "never smiled", or rarely shared emotions other than anger or frustration...and I am a very upbeat woman.

I know, why did I marry him...it is a long story. I have had an intense life..mother of seven, relocated to New York (for him), had a horrific divorce, etc. etc. Now only one teenager at home since I moved to NY.

Over the years, he has struggled with many of the physical disabilities of MS, from tremendous fatigue, sensitivity to heat, spasticity, urinary/bowel problems, tremors in his left hand, balance problems, etc. etc...all complicated by a plate in his foot from a very serious accident 9 years ago when he fell and was run over by a forklift. And he needs my help with cutting his meats for dinner, physical outside work he can no longer do, etc. etc.

However, the greatest adjustment has been the cognitive impairment which has been severe for my husband...alongside his temperament which is "flat"...with no communication...or just anger. He had a neuro-psychological exam 2 years ago and it showed tremendous impairment, and he is going for another one this week.

He functions on many levels like a child; often has little regard for hygiene unless I remind him. He lost his license about a year ago (his driving was very scary for the last 3 years) after he failed miserably a DMV test. I realized it may sound as if I just rambled on...what I finally want to say...what is so painfully difficult for me is knowing what part is the MS, what part is his character / selfishness...because he displays no capacity for any empathy or appreciation for another...no reference outside of his own.

He has known for 6 years about his MS -- and I have begged for smiles, etc...tried to humor him, etc. He can laugh on the phone with friends. And yes, he is in counseling. And yes, I am a co-dependent!!!!


** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

[Jules A]

And yes, he is in counseling. And yes, I am a co-dependent!!!!

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

Whew I was worried until I got to your last line.

It is a great thing that he is in counseling. Since you admit you are co-dependent I guess the only question is: are you going to do anything to change it or is it working for you?

[Taryn]

God has me...

I know my post must have sounded so insensitive, so uncaring..I am not carrying Reggie's cross; I truly don't know what it is like for him. I am an extremely compassionate and sensitive woman. And I have given myself over in all ways that I have known possible to help him...it has taken absolutely no initiative in his MS.

I have read so many posts from members suffering deeply with MS, who still maintain caring relationships with other people, and who have managed to find joy and meaning in their life - and who refused to be defined by MS. So,...I know that grace, that strength is possible. I have so prayed for Reggie to receive some of that grace, insight, selflessness.

He has been in counseling for years. Actually, 3 weeks into our dating I asked him to return to counseling for his anger issues; however, he seems incapable of following through with therapists suggestions. He is now seeing a new counselor for the past four month, but I don't expect anything to change from Reggie's end. I am also meeting with the counselor, and we are trying to focus on my focusing on myself because my "bucket" is so empty...and it is so hard to be constantly bombarded by his rudeness, hostility, etc., and never a kind word or engaged conversation.

My spiritual life is the most important to me, so I am focusing on that right now; if part-time work would come through (I am been without work for 3 years), that would be such a blessing.

[Jules A]

Hi Taryn,
You didn't sound insensitive to me just like you are tired of living with someone who is abusive. The thing is though, you are the one staying with him and putting up with his behavior.

Although I value my marriage and the commitment we made it would be over real quick if my husband was disrespectful no matter what the reason.

Please consider exploring why you are willing to settle for this type of treatment. MS doesn't give anyone a license to be nasty and I wouldn't be guilted into staying in an unhappy home. Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Nanobaby]

Completely agree with JulesA. MS is not a license to be obnoxious & inconsiderate.