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    #1

    Probably over

    My symptoms started in April and after lots and lots of tests I was told "you have MS' in June. Ever since that day my marriage has been going down hill. It was slow at first but now it seems like we are going down that hill at full speed. All we seem to do is fight and argue. He doesn't seem to care much about what I am going through and how having MS is affecting me. He says he does and he is supportive but his actions aren't really showing it to me. We are coming up on our 13th anniversary and I really think it might be our last. I really dont know how much more I can deal with. We have been in counseling for a few weeks now and it doesn't seem to helping at all. I feel like I am stuck, that if we do come to that "we are done" point that we will have to stay together because I cant work and there is no way I can afford my medications or doctor appts with out his insurance.

    There is so much more I could say but I dont want to bore you all.
    Shannon
    Diagnosed June 2010. Started Betaseron July 2010.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Originally posted by ShanZro View Post
    We have been in counseling for a few weeks now and it doesn't seem to helping at all.
    I know it suck's now but a few weeks is not very long to give anything a real try?

    This is a life changing situation.(being Dx) It may take a few years to figure out how you both deal with it?

    There is a good chance both of you are depressed about it?
    Depressed people often make bad choices. If you feel safe at home why not give it at least a few months?
    Things could improve.

    Comment

      #3
      I agree with TommyLee in that a few weeks isn't nearly long enough unless you really feel your therapist isn't a good match and even then I'd urge you to find another one.

      My opinion is that many marriages aren't all that spiffy to begin with and MS is just the straw that breaks the camel's back.

      FWIW since you are seeing the writing on the wall now I'd try to strategize ways to help yourself should you need to be on your own some day. Planning and being prepared can't hurt.

      It breaks my heart to read that people are stuck in disrespectful relationships because they need the financial support. Good luck.
      He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
      Anonymous

      Comment

        #4
        I'm so sorry.
        Aitch - Writer, historian, wondermom. First symptoms in my teens, DX'd in my twenties, disabled in my thirties. Still the luckiest girl in the world.

        Comment

          #5
          Medical insurance

          I'm sorry your marriage is deteriorating, hope you and h can recover.

          Here in CT the very bright lawyer I saw about my marriage told me that as part of the legal processes the court can order your husband (in this case) to keep you on his medical insurance, if he remarries, there are ways you can continue to be insured.

          She also said one possible arrangement is physical separation but not starting legal proceedings.

          I'm not an attorney, hope you don't need one, but please find one if you need advice that is applicable to your life.

          Originally posted by ShanZro View Post
          My symptoms started in April and after lots and lots of tests I was told "you have MS' in June. Ever since that day my marriage has been going down hill. It was slow at first but now it seems like we are going down that hill at full speed. All we seem to do is fight and argue. He doesn't seem to care much about what I am going through and how having MS is affecting me. He says he does and he is supportive but his actions aren't really showing it to me. We are coming up on our 13th anniversary and I really think it might be our last. I really dont know how much more I can deal with. We have been in counseling for a few weeks now and it doesn't seem to helping at all. I feel like I am stuck, that if we do come to that "we are done" point that we will have to stay together because I cant work and there is no way I can afford my medications or doctor appts with out his insurance.

          There is so much more I could say but I dont want to bore you all.

          Comment

            #6
            that's where I am...

            ...three years after Rx. Not that we don't have other issues going on but a) I really think a lot of it is about my illness and b) I have NO idea how I'll survive financially.

            Been making calls all day. Crying all day. I can't deal with this.

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by KateClark View Post
              ...three years after Rx. Not that we don't have other issues going on but a) I really think a lot of it is about my illness and b) I have NO idea how I'll survive financially.

              Been making calls all day. Crying all day. I can't deal with this.
              It can be overwhelming. Take some time and allow yourself to sort through things. As I said above seeing the writing on the wall and positioning yourself in the best financial light no matter what happens is important.
              He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
              Anonymous

              Comment

                #8
                he has a meltdown about every five years....

                ....this time I'm in a much worse position to cope financially but I've made a bunch of phone calls and I'm going to go through and see that I have a plan if he does actually hit the road. I'm not just going to sit and wait on what he does.

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by KateClark View Post
                  ....this time I'm in a much worse position to cope financially but I've made a bunch of phone calls and I'm going to go through and see that I have a plan if he does actually hit the road. I'm not just going to sit and wait on what he does.
                  Good for you! It is really difficult to make strategic plans during times of emotional stress but in the long run it is crucial and much better than waiting for the chips to fall and scrambling to put something together.

                  Best of luck to you and please keep us posted.
                  He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                  Anonymous

                  Comment

                    #10
                    So.

                    A couple weeks into this he's said some amazingly hateful things including "anyone who doesn't have the strength of character to overcome the disease isn't a person anymore," and implied that I owed it to humanity to commit suicide and not be a burden.

                    It's horrible. In between these things he's acting cute and social and normal. I'm.... I don't think I can stay with someone who thinks I'm subhuman because I have MS. I'm also frightened about this whole mess. I've been talking to a counselor but I also should be talking to a lawyer and I'm scared about all of this. I know nothing about divorce.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Amazing.

                      He's agreed to couples counseling.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        So sorry to hear that you are both going through such difficult times. My husband and I have been through some very hard times during our marriage and we've always been able to work it out, thankfully.

                        I've only recently had my 2nd official flair and it was very hard on him. He hates to see my suffering and he doesn't realize it but he was putting me at a distance, and trying to treat me with kidgloves. That's not what I need and I called him on it. I think he got scared.

                        Is it possible that your hubbies are scared and are acting out because they don't know how to handle the situation themselves ?

                        Or have your marriages had other issues besides the MS all along, and this is just the beginning of the end ?

                        You both have a rough road ahead of you no matter what happens. I hope that with continued counseling you can perhaps get to the root of the real problem and work things through, if that is truly what you want.

                        I wish you both happiness with whatever you decide.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          I relate. Really, I do.

                          Remember, it's nor your fault. So many people who fall seriously ill, unfortunately have to face the fact that their spouse is unable to cope with it. If this does not resolve, it will result in a divorce (or at least a permanent conflict). So many people, mostly women I presume, are left by their spouses. Having been an all-around wife, taking care of the kids, the food, and the household, as well as so many other things, possibly also contributing by working outside the home - when you "get broken", you´re no good anymore, you´re unable to perform your duties...

                          How many husbands will step in and do everything you can't do anymore? How many husbands reduce their working hours in order to do this? Or alternatively, hire a maid or a nanny for your help?

                          It might succeed if
                          - your husband is wealthy or at least can afford this
                          or
                          - you are wealthy and can pay for this
                          or
                          - your husband is an energy package and is happy to do more things for the family
                          or
                          - your husband has no other alternatives than to accept and try to cope
                          or
                          - your husband really loves you.

                          These are a bit rough words. But I think that this is reality for many people, really.

                          Men with ms face their own problems, of course. But they´re a bit different. I suppose they´re more about the threat of losing the masculine role as a provider and the things that come with it. As well as sexual dysfunction, which is more apparent in men.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            And a year later...we're still married. We went to counselling. That fizzled. I've had a lot of trouble this year physically and the house got messy. And now he's back to yelling like crazy.

                            I am so very tired.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              God I really hope in the year that has passed you able to squirrel away some money for your future.

                              I swear it is a good thing that I have my own income because MS or not if I was dependent on someone for funds I'd be embezzling money no matter how generous the person was during the good times. I was raised in a home where the wife had to ask the man for money and hated it.
                              He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                              Anonymous

                              Comment

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